108 comments

Funny Drama

Let’s go,

The honorable court and the idiotic judge may we rise.

I’m sorry, I’ve forgotten how they say it, okay, it goes;

“All rise for the Honorable judge,”

Just as I thought.

We are seated here today to witness the welcoming of a national hero, a man with due honor, a man that should most definitely be coronated king of the village instead of that foolish, senseless, no good, fish-head 'chief' that does nothing but develop the village, building roads, giving potable water, providing free schooling, promoting local businesses, cheaper food, security...Rubbish!

“A man that is very important,”

A man that is…

A woman???

Pardon me distinguished villagers, my eyes are either unclear or I might’ve just been focusing on the small hairs dotting our female hero's chin. Sorry about that, she is quite a beautiful woman. This is the year of body positivity!

Yes, a woman of great feat, she did something more than climb mountains or build bridges or walk over them, or kill a dragon,(apparently English heroes are always doing that, I seriously need an explanation…), or clog a volcano, (fortunately we don’t have those around here), or kill a lion, or survive the evil forest.

Oh, she, Akpovo, is remembered today for the truly jaunting act; something awesome, something terrific, something...

Excuse me while I ask our Honorable why he is staring at our shero's face. Disrespectful. Men these days have no dignity nor shame. The audacity.

Alright, this woman, the darkest in the village; skin like chocolate (Mars not Twix people, the Blacker the Berry (; ), lips drip with honey sweetness, yes, unlike our Honorable, who’s lips drip with the gross liquid formed at the mouth. Judge's saliva.

The red beads that drop at her neck are the most beautifully made in the state. (Wow, they've really prepared the wonderfully infamous woman for this day. She is blessed.)

The purple color glows from the threaded locs of the owu that puff-ly end at her neck, oh precious, I was thinking of having that style this Eke market day, bah, now everyone will want to do it. Bye bye originality.

Now, this beautiful woman must have done something mighty wonderful to deserve this pamper-ment! I mean goodness, the fabric of her half-thigh length shimi wrappa and breast wrap is by far the most expensive-looking I’ve seen; why, it’s from another land entirely! The colors on it are a wide known trademark of the Fula! Expensive! Beautiful! This lady!

Okay, okay, wait, we’ve been gushing over this pretty damsel for the past few hours; Honorable, please open your trap and say something.

“We are all standing here, in the presence of a great woman, ah, I sometimes wonder how come she’s a woman,”

Excuse me?

Honorable, have you listened to the Ted Talks I’ve been sending you? Obviously not.

Talk about mediocrity.

“She is the hero of our land,”

Yes, we said that about five minutes ago, move on.

“The descendant of a great man,”

Oh wow.

“A man who saved our village many years back,”

Excuse us while we recite the anthem in solidarity,

Arise O' compatriots...

No, no, no Honorable, this is not the World Cup, can we please focus on the breathtaking black-coffee-dark-bark-chocolate-fudge-brownie beauty standing before us?

“Young damsel, where is your husband?” Honorable must ask.

“Ah, I do not have one, Judge Inyang,”

By God, are y’all seriously flirting in the village square? You should be ashamed of yourselves. Pathetic.

Yes, yes Honorable, we know her hips are large, many others here are like that you know. Carry on, chop, chop.

“Her father did what no one else in the village could do!” Honorable shot his fat hand up in the air.

Of course, we're always doing such, last week someone gave birth to an Arabian, I thought I’d seen it all.

“What did she do?!”

God bless the generations of the person who just shouted that. May your days be long on the land which the Lord hath given us.

We will not pray that for honorable, sure, he is already hell-bound with the looks he’s giving our damsel.

“This man, this great man,”

Have us die in great anticipation.

“A man of valour”

Oh yes,

“Of great skill,”

Hail him.

“Of outstanding bravery,”

Hm, sure.

“Marvellous genes,” 

Now wait a minute. That doesn’t even….

Ah, yes, how can we skip the dangerous looks our honorable and damsel are exchanging here. The genes must be in the eyes or something.

“He is greatly revered,”

Who knew goats could pull off such suspense. This century is amazing.

“We should’ve made him king while he was alive,”

Tell us what we don’t know.

“This great man, oh, spoking this feat with words is an understatement,” 

Why don’t you get a pen then, and with that terrible English. When I say this beautiful language isn’t for Africans they won’t believe me. See how we’ve utterly destroyed it. This is nothing self, have you heard pidgin?

Shameful.

“The man I am talking about, the great sir Akpabio, was the first ever to, in this entire nation, harvest a groundnut pod with EIGHT nuts! Please shower your praise on this man’s offspring! He is to be highly hailed!”

WHAT?

So you mean to tell me, we dressed up beautifully, looking like peacocks, wasted our mothers' time bending over and inflicting pain on our scalps and brains all in the name of braiding, weaving, threading and what-not, and came to this sandy square, to hail a woman (a very beautiful woman I might add), whose father harvested groundnut?

No wahala. I’m done here, case closed, I have just wasted my time. Your honor, bang the gavel and take this woman to your house, impregnate her and marry her because it is obvious you are a jobless cow. Marry her and resign, yes, villagers, go to your houses and pound yam and prepare afang soup and eat and leave this womanizer; as for me, I’m packing my load, my wig and my mouth and moving to Ghana. Hopefully they will have normal groundnuts there.

Nonsense!


August 29, 2020 02:41

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108 comments

14:23 Sep 02, 2020

The name of your story itself arouses curiosity! I fell down laughing from my chair. It was woooooooooooaaaaahhhhhhhhhh good (that's a type of praise)!

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19:13 Sep 02, 2020

THANK YOUUUUUU PRANATI!!!!!!!👑👑👑😁😍😘😋 I'm so so so so so so so so so so happy!!!😂😂 Thus comment literally made my DAY!!!! Thanks Again?!?!?!!!!👑👑👑

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01:48 Sep 03, 2020

Heee Can you please read my latest submission and review it? Thanks!

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21:29 Sep 03, 2020

Oh sure!!!😜

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Jonathan Blaauw
11:33 Aug 30, 2020

This! Is! Insane! Shero? Is that a thing, or did you just make it up? Here I am, expecting a ‘normal’ story, and you go hit me between the eyes with something outta this world! I know now never to expect normal from your work, because it’s anything but, yet still so, so good! I was laughing the whole way through. You have a special talent for crazy/absurd/hilarious work and you’ve got your own, unique style that stands out a mile away. Different is always good, but you go way, way beyond different and the result is way, way beyond good. I ...

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11:39 Aug 30, 2020

THANK YOU SO MUCH BLAAUWWWWW!!!!!!😭😭😭 That means the world coming from.you!!!! I am SoOOOOOOOOooOo glad you loved it!!!!! Sheroes is actually the name of this African women's organization. I thought it was perfect for that context! Again, THANK YOU?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!😂😂😂😱😰😰😰😘😘😍😁😁😁😭😭😱

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Jonathan Blaauw
15:45 Aug 30, 2020

Sheroes is going to be the name of Beyonce's cover of that David Bowie song 🤣

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15:47 Aug 30, 2020

Are you serious??🤣🤣😏😏😂😆😃😄 Me can't wait to hear it🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😊😁😀😋🎵🔊🎶🎙️🎧🎤

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15:53 Aug 30, 2020

Hey BLAAUW!! (I like shouting pardon me🙃) Just added you in my bio, go check it outttttt!😁

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Jonathan Blaauw
16:45 Aug 30, 2020

Thank you, that's so kind. I just saw the name of your story and started laughing all over again. And after seeing your bio, any doubts I had about your sanity are gone. What colour straight jacket do you prefer? I'm sure we can find a nice pink one with sparkles for you🤣 You are uniquely crazy- I love it!!

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18:15 Aug 30, 2020

Oh you flatter me!😆 I think I'd like that in anything that glows😋✨(sorry, apparently there is no emoji for glowing, only sparkling😒, the discrimination in this) Fluorescence fluorescence fluorescence😎🤡 I'm in love wiv it😉

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22:02 Sep 14, 2020

Hey Blaauw!!! Just submitted two new stories😁😁😁 mind checking em out?✌️✌️✌️

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Azalea Silver
21:05 Nov 17, 2020

This story was hilarious! I'm pretty sure I cracked my ribs while reading this. Especially the part where the judge built up that suspense only to announce that it was because the woman's father grew groundnut!😂😂😂😂

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08:10 Dec 01, 2020

😂😂🤣I am SO glad you liked it! Honestly, it was fun to write also!😂😄

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Natasha Liu
04:35 Sep 08, 2020

This story is unique and I like the way it was narrated!

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14:21 Sep 08, 2020

Thank you so much!!!!

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Amany Sayed
15:47 Sep 05, 2020

Heyyy, check out my daily random?? :)

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21:54 Sep 05, 2020

Kay Kay🙃

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🄼🄹 🅂
03:16 Sep 05, 2020

Inside The Looking Glass (The New Girl Part 2) is out now! I promised I would let you know when it was done, so go take a look!

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21:49 Sep 05, 2020

Yes! Yes! Yes! I'm so sorry for the delayed response😭😭😭 Ive been making so many promises to read people's books and I haven't fulfilled ANY😭😭 But I promise you, once i get the spare time, I most definitely will.

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🄼🄹 🅂
22:22 Sep 05, 2020

No problem I understand that. Let me know what you think when you get a chance, I really hope you like it! 😃

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21:23 Sep 06, 2020

Course!💯😁

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נιмму 🤎
01:18 Aug 31, 2020

ughhh chimi!! im sooo bored ive been doing the same thing all day (checking reedsy) plz answer or I will die of boredom

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10:04 Mar 21, 2021

Jimmy! I have been gone for a thousand years!!!! I already feel the white hairs spreading all over! are you still alive buddy?! *coughs In old age*

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נιмму 🤎
03:08 Apr 10, 2021

jlkdfa omg im here srry i took so long to reply im never really on here anymore

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10:52 Aug 31, 2020

Here!!!

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02:38 Aug 30, 2020

This was good!! At first I was confused on what was happening but then I caught on. I loved the way you made each character! And how every time the "Honorable" Judge spoke. She shot back with something funny and quick. It was so funny to see some words that most people here don't use..but like I understood it..it made me feel so happyyy! Loved the two ending paragraphs too..how you made her describe her whole day just for it to be rubbish. Also! Loved the way you described the mothers doing their hair..so relatable! AHH so good Chim!!

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06:27 Aug 30, 2020

THANK YOUUUU UGOCHI!!!!!!😭😭😭😭😭 I'm SO glad you liked it and could relate to it!😁 I always hint a bit (or a lot) of my Nigerianness when I write! Again, I'm SO happy you like it!!!!💃💃💃💃

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11:59 Aug 31, 2020

Haha of coursseee!! It was so good

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13:41 Aug 31, 2020

😁😁😁

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02:26 Sep 02, 2020

Heyy HEy! I just wrote some stories, if you don't mind can you check them out? (If you have time of course) Thank you!!

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11:12 Sep 02, 2020

Of Course! My phone's about to die now so probably later!😁

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Deidra Lovegren
23:05 Aug 29, 2020

OK, Chi. It is my turn to learn from YOU. This. is. ART. You need to SLAM POET the whole thing. You are my SHERO :) Crying with laughter here: "This is the year of body positivity!" Where did you get this: black-coffee-dark-bark-chocolate-fudge-brownie beauty

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23:27 Aug 29, 2020

😂😂😂 I'm sOoooOOOOOOOOOOOoOoOoo glad you loved it Dei!!! 😭😭😘😍🤗😎💜💛💚💙💃💃💃💃 And I don't know😂😂 Guess I just jumbled together all the things I knew with black and chocolatey goodness!😂

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Deidra Lovegren
09:54 Aug 30, 2020

Poetry. You are poetry!

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10:59 Aug 30, 2020

Ohhhhhh!😱😊😄 I always thought I was just the poet! 😍😘😘

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17:15 Sep 11, 2020

Omigosh. I love it!!! I'm also African American. Not often do you get to read stories like this. I'm particularly guilty of not having diversity in my stories. I'm here for the change, sis. Keep writing. :) 💖💖😊😊

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10:42 Sep 12, 2020

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!😭😭😭 You're African American? Is it like an African with American nationality, like a first generation or... I'm not African American though🙃 I'm Nigerian, which is completely African😂 And yes! Of course! Diversity is VERY important😬😬 It's my niche so I'm all for it😉😊 I'll definitely read some of your stories when i have time!!🏃🏃 And again, AHHHHHH THANK YOU!!!!!😘😘😘❤️❤️💚💙💛

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16:29 Sep 12, 2020

Haha yeah, African with American nationality. Seriously loved your story. 🙂😂🤩

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16:34 Sep 12, 2020

Sweeeeeeet! Wakanda fo eva sista!🙅 And THANKS!!!! Ive just submitted a new one, hope you'll love it as much😂😊

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19:04 Sep 12, 2020

I'll go check it out.

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03:16 Sep 10, 2020

Great job! This was really good. Your writing style is so unique and awesome!

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09:18 Sep 11, 2020

Thank you so much!!!!!

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15:40 Sep 11, 2020

Your welcome!! :)

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Black Rose
21:49 Sep 08, 2020

This is nice, and I like it. It gives the African feel. Nigerian, to be precise, especially with the language you employed in writing. It fascinates me that you're Igbo-Yorùbá.

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13:58 Sep 09, 2020

Thank you😊😊 I love to share the culture and universal beauty of my Wakandan roots in its diversity. 😅

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Lee Jay
05:19 Sep 08, 2020

Your originality is breathtaking. Now that I've read this - I could never compare it to anyone else's work. Ever. I loved it through and through. Especially: black-coffee-dark-bark-chocolate-fudge-brownie beauty I have a thing with comparing coffee to most everything. Again. Brilliant work!!!! Give one of my stories a read if you feel like. :)

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14:22 Sep 08, 2020

THANKS A MILLION!!!!!!!!😭😭😭😭 I am so sooooooo glad you loved it! Yeah, 😹that wacky mind of mine. Once again, THANK YOU!!❤️❤️ And I will MOST DEFINITELY read your stories!!!!!

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Meggy House
12:42 Sep 05, 2020

Oh my goodness, wow! This was such an entertaining read! I love the narrator's wit and the nut foreshadowing in the title. You really have a talent for humorous writing. If you wouldn't mind, could you read one of my stories? This is my first time in a competition and I would love feedback! :)

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21:52 Sep 05, 2020

Oh thank you!!!😁 And that's absolitutedly WONDERFUL!😋 I promise I'll read it once i get the time! And thanks again! Super glad you enjoyed it!☺️

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Meggy House
22:27 Sep 05, 2020

Thank you!

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21:24 Sep 06, 2020

:D

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Deborah Angevin
04:40 Sep 05, 2020

Hi Chimamaka, sorry for the delayed response! I love this story, especially the last two paragraphs! :D

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21:50 Sep 05, 2020

THANK YOU!!😛 So glad you liked it!😁

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ᗰooᑎ ♫ ♪
08:05 Sep 02, 2020

I liked it very much!! Very funny!! 🤣🤣 Good job👍

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11:13 Sep 02, 2020

Thank you!!!!😁😂

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ᗰooᑎ ♫ ♪
11:36 Sep 02, 2020

You're welcome, (Chim/Chimi?)!!

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13:37 Sep 02, 2020

😂😂I think anyone's okay😁

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ᗰooᑎ ♫ ♪
13:40 Sep 02, 2020

I'm terrible at nicknames but I like Chimi more than Chim.

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19:12 Sep 02, 2020

Then it's settled!💅

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ᗰooᑎ ♫ ♪
13:46 Sep 02, 2020

Hey Chimi, would you mind checking out my story 'The Newborn's Escape'?

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19:12 Sep 02, 2020

Suuuuureeee!!!!😁

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21:36 Sep 03, 2020

Heya!!!!!! Go check my bio, I just updated it and you're on there💙 P.s. mind telling me your username, I had to copy and paste cos I couldn't see it,t he handwriting I mean, it's in some kind of encrypted box format😭😭

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ᗰooᑎ ♫ ♪
13:47 Sep 02, 2020

One more thing, I followed you on wattpad.

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19:12 Sep 02, 2020

Wonderful! I'll try getting into my account now...

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Sharon Seltzer
18:37 Aug 31, 2020

I feel like I walked into a large hall like a royal chamber surrounded by obscure characters, loyal subjects and such. With lack of sitting room, I had to stand next to the most animated person in the room who was sharing constant opinions with me under their breath elbowing me in the side to see if I'm paying attention and agreeing. Between jests, business went on as usual, but I was unable to let my mind drift. I was constantly engaged, I love your descriptive language, I can see the Shero you describe, even right down to the hairs on h...

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18:48 Aug 31, 2020

THANK YOU SO MUCH SHARON!!!!!!!😀😀😀🎉🎉. I'm SO glad you loved it!!! And yeah, I love branding a Nigerian and overall African touch to everything I write, that's literally my uniqueness😉 I juggle tribes and countries and garnish my writing with culture!😉🎉💅 So glad you loved it, AGAIN! (P.S. shimi wrappa is just a Nigerian nickname for the mini kind of cloth most (I say most because some other tribes wear something different or something, let's say, less😬), native African girls usually tie on their waists and reaches up to half of their ...

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Sarah 🖤💖
14:47 Aug 31, 2020

Wow, you're a really cool writer. I liked how you described everything and you're worldbuilding was on point. Oh and the expectation subversion was hilarious.

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16:04 Aug 31, 2020

And your use of English is wonderful... 😂Don't mind me Thanks a lot Sarah!!! I am ultimately mojubilately glad that you enjoyed it!

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🄼🄹 🅂
22:56 Aug 29, 2020

This was hilarious and so awesome. Do you think you could check out and comment on one of my stories? Thanks. Peace ✌🏾

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23:18 Aug 29, 2020

😂😂I like, JUST did THAT!!!! What a coincidence!!

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Doubra Akika
20:16 Aug 29, 2020

Omds 😂😂 Chi Chi! The ending was perfect. Chai... groundnut?! This was so creative! I’m grateful oo for the first person to harvest it! I love groundnut😂. Especially in garri!! Sorry I didn’t check this out earlier, had a crazy day! When I’m able to use my laptop, I’ll try to point out grammatical errors (don’t worry, I think I only noticed three). It’s amazing what you were able to do in such a short amount of time. That jobless cow comment made me laugh a lot😂😂. And the terrible English bit. English really isn’t good for some Nigeri...

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21:16 Aug 29, 2020

T. H. A. N. K. Y. O. U. U. U. U DOUB!!!!!!!!! 😂😂Yeah, I have some crazy things racking my brain😂😂😂 I always used to say that, I and my friends, the kind of gbagan people make in class ehn🤣🤣🤣🤣 I'm like: WHY? JUST WHY??? Why didn't they just leave us with our language🤣🤣 At least save this endangered one🤣🤣🤣 P.S. I absolurely lOVE groundnut too, in GARRI especially!!!! But mom doesn't let us drink it😑😑😑 Something about spoiling the eyes....

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Doubra Akika
23:02 Aug 29, 2020

My pleasure Chi Chi! Definitely!! The Nigerian-ness is something else 🤣🤣. I blame it for your madness (well at least 75%) I’ve heard that actually! The thing about Garri

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23:23 Aug 29, 2020

🤣🤣🤣you are a 💯 correct!🤣🤣 Wait till you see my Pan-Africanness and Afrofuturistness🏃🏃🏃 🤣🤣 And yeah, food experts should quit their job abeg. Ah ah, I cannot drink garri in peace again... Is it your eye?

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Doubra Akika
00:03 Aug 30, 2020

OMDS!🤣🤣🤣 Lucky for me, I’m my own person 😎😌.

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06:17 Aug 30, 2020

🤣😂lucky you!

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