Content warning: Swearing
"I know it's your first day on the job and all, but don't worry, man. You're gonna do great. Trust me. We're happy to have you here at Wally's Water World."
"Thanks. I'm happy to be here."
"I gotta tell you the truth, though. I only applied because my mom told me she would kick me out if I didn't get a job. She said thirty-five is too old to be unemployed."
"That's great too. Exactly the type of can-do, highly motivated, problem-solving attitude we're looking for at Wally's Water World. Glad to have another member of the family joining us."
"Well, I'm glad to be of help. Even if I didn't think you guys were a real business. I mean, a restaurant that serves only water? Never heard of that before. That's different."
"Mmm. Well, I can assure you we're quite real. All flesh and blood here. You can feel my hat if you don't believe me."
"That's okay. I believe you."
"No, go on. It's not as wet as it looks, I promise. I soaked it in mineral water hours ago, so it's practically dry now. Can't be a manager without dressing the part, right?"
"I guess so."
"See? Not as wet as you thought, right? That's what's so great about sombreros."
"Stay here long enough and you just might work your way up to one of these bad boys someday instead of that fedora. That'd be cool, right? Less neckbeardish."
"Cool. Well, it's almost nine o'clock. The customers should be lining up any minute now. I already told you what to say, right?"
"Shit, really? My bad, I'm a little hungover. Anyway, it's real easy, man. Just toggle your headset and greet the customer and say, 'Welcome to Wally's Water World! Water you in the mood for today?'"
"Okay, I think I can do that."
"Let's see you give it a try."
"Welcome to Wally's Water World. What are you in the mood for today?"
"No, man. Water."
"Water you in the mood for. Get it? It's a pun. Like, water. Like, the thing that we sell here? Get it?"
"Yeah, don't worry. It took me a while too. You wanna try again?"
"Welcome to Wally's Water World. Water you in the mood for?"
"We need to know what the customer wants now. Not yesterday, not tomorrow. Today. One more time."
"Okay. Welcome to Wally's Water World. Water you in the mood for today?"
"Uh oh! Look out, Leonardo DiCaprio! Keith's coming for your Academy Award."
"That's all you've got to do, really. Just say that and after they order, wait for one of us to make the stuff. Then you take their money and hand them their drink. Bada bing, bada boom. Rinse and repeat."
"Okay. That sounds easy enough."
"Oh, and word of advice: Watch out for Mrs. Dressler."
"Mrs. Dressler. You'll probably meet her today. She's a regular here. Sweet woman. Great tipper. Face like a sneezing pit bull."
"Yeah, you'll know her when you see her. Trust me. Drives through here every Monday. She likes to order the Spring Cleaning—that's spring water with a hint of cucumber and lemon."
"It's #7 on the menu. See it up there on the board, in between #6—Terrific Tap—and #8—Alkaline Laxative Surprise?"
"I think I see it, yes."
"Right. So, look. If Mrs. Dressler stops by and orders the #7, make sure you go in the back and get some water from the toilet in the employee bathroom."
"Yeah, man. Trust me. Ever since Vince—you've met Vince, right? Short guy with the man bun and the plaid shirt and the L. Ron Hubbard neck tattoo."
"You know, the one who's in charge of microwaving the water so people can drink their tea."
"We sell tea here?"
"Man, what? Look down. What does your apron say? Wally's Water World, not Tommy's Tea Terrain. It's even got the dancing rain cloud and everything. You ever seen a damn cloud make tea?"
"Exactly. This is a health food shop. We're in the business of water here. If people want tea, they can go across the street to Tommy's Tea Terrain."
"Well, long story short, Mrs. Dressler stopped by here a few months ago and complained about beard hair in her cup of Distilled Delight—as you can see, that's #4 on the board: one cup distilled water and two cups brown sugar, seventeen seconds in the microwave. Of course, Vince is the only one here with a beard, but a good manager doesn't point fingers. You don't get to wear this sombrero by blaming others, right?"
"I don't know. I only have a fedora."
"Ha ha. Good one. Anyway, Vince offered her a complimentary cup of Spring Cleaning in exchange for not calling the health inspector on us. Only, instead of using spring water, he scooped up a cup of the stuff from the back bathroom toilet. You can hardly tell the difference."
"I don't think I can—"
"Don't be like that. We clean that toilet twice a month, if that's what you're worried about. Besides, she loved it. Trust me. She's been back every week since. A loyal customer. You can't argue with repeat business, right?"
"I guess not."
"Exac—Look alive! Customer incoming. Hey, remember what I told you about the water pun. It's half the reason why people come here. And try to plug the Distilled Delight if you can—the brown sugar's about to go bad."
"Hello and welcome to Wally's Water World! Water you in the mood for today? A #2 and a #8, you say? A small Wally's Well Water and a large Alkaline Lax—Okay. An excellent choi—Okay. And might I interest you in a #4? It's our signature, award-winning—Oh. Okay. Sure. All right, just the #2 and the #8 then. Thank you. Your total is $21.67. It'll be ready at the window."
"Hmm. Not bad, man. Adding 'hello' was a nice touch. And 'award-winning,' too. I should've thought of that shit months ago. Pretty good for your first go."
"It wasn't easy. She kept trying to cut me off when I was talking. And that shrill voice. It was like speaking to a banshee. Is every customer here a total bitch?"
"Well, that's just—oh shit."
"Your headset's blinking, man. You didn't untoggle. Your mic's still on."
"Yeah. Here she comes. Think fast."
"Hello, ma'am. Thank you for choosing Wally's Water World today. Might I interest you in a complimentary cup of Spring Cleaning?"