Hey! What About Me?!

Hey! What About Me?!

                                    “I don’t get no respect.” – Rodney Dangerfield

This is nuts. Dark, crowded and wet. I about can’t take it anymore. Day after day, week after week, month after month. Dogs are two months. I could live with that. Or how about mice? Twenty-five days tops! And I have to put up with this for nine months? Life ain’t fair, I tell you.

And I’m not real fond of the company in here. The guy I call “Big Boy” is huge! He takes up most of the room in here. Then there’s the little guy. I call him “Squirmer” because he NEVER stops moving around. He’s always kicking his legs or flaying his arms, or doing something. I think he did the ‘Loop to Loop” last week. I’m not kidding. I’m counting the days, man. This is such a hassle it’s hard to believe there are so many people in this world.

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“Just lie back, Mrs. Simpson, and relax. I’m going to rub a little jell on your belly now. This will give us a better picture. There he is, a little boy, and…Oh my, Mrs. Simpson, it looks like you’re going to have twins!”

“Twins?!”

“Yes, Mr. Simpson, twins. And both are boys! It looks like one has got some size to him, a real big boy, and the smaller guy seems to have a lot of energy. Look at him squirming around in there!”

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Twins?! Hey! What about me?! I don’t know much about math yet, but I can tell there’s more than two of us in here. A big boy? A squirming guy? I guess I nailed that. But what about me? Like I don’t count or something? Hello, I’m right here.

I don’t believe any of this. It’s like I don’t even exist. If hear one more word about “the twins”, the double baby buggy, the two cribs, the two highchairs, and God, the ideas for names- Ben and Jerry, Buddy and Bobby, Harry and Larry, and Bert and Ernie…I swear I’ll puke. Well, maybe not puke, considering my current living circumstance, but you get the idea.

I must be behind Big Boy, and they missed me. No wonder. He could blot out the sun with his big butt. I wish I knew how to send out distress signals.

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“We’re getting close. Let’s eat out tonight, Susan. It’s going to be awhile before we can get out again after the twins arrive.”

“Good idea, David. How about Mexican, honey? We haven’t been to Felipe’s for awhile.”

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Felipe’s?! No, not Felipe’s! They’ve got that super hot Hot Sauce, and she wolf’s that stuff down like she was eating for two…oops, three. For Christ’s sake, now I’m forgetting about myself. Last time she had that stuff I thought my hair was on fire.

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“I love this place, Dave. You brought me here on our first date.”

“The candle still lights up your beautiful smile and puts a sparkle in your eyes, just like it did that very first night, the night I fell in love with you.”

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Come on Dave, knock it off before I do puke. “The sparkle in your eyes." Oh my God. You might have needed all that moochie-moochie stuff before she married you, but now it’s a little much. Try not to be “That Guy” in public, Dave.

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“We’ll both have the chimichanga dinners. And we’d like a large order of tortilla chips with your famous super hot Hot Sauce.”

“And extra hot sauce, please. I could eat a bucket of that stuff!”

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Aah! I don’t know what’s worse, the near molten lava soon to be drifting my way, or the smile on Big Boy’s face. He loves fiery hot food. I can’t believe I’m going to have to spend my childhood with that bozo. Squirmer’s not too bad. He’s just high energy. I kind of like the little guy. But Big Boy? He could be a problem.

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“Well, there’s two of us so it won’t be too hard with two babies. One of us will always be able to take care of whatever they need. These two little boys will get so much love and attention.”

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This is getting annoying. I don’t ever want to hear the word “two” again.

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“Thank God it’s not three, Susan. I don’t think we could handle that.”

“No, I really wouldn’t want three. Two is plenty.”

“That’s for sure. Three would be impossible. I wouldn’t want three either.”

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They don’t want me. That's a little disheartening. I was so looking forward to getting out into the world, and now I find out they don’t want me out there. The way we are lined up, I can tell I’m going to be the last one out, or Baby #3, as in the one they don’t want. What’s to become of me? I’ve heard of babies being left at the door of a church. Maybe someone really rich and not as dorky as Dave will adopt me. That would be pretty cool. Worse come to worse, I could always be a carnie or something. I bet I’d make a damn good cowboy. Or maybe a fireman or a race car driver. I could always just roam the earth looking for adventure. I’ll have to give it some thought.

I sure feel like a complete nobody. They call the last guy taken in the NFL Draft “Mr. Irrelevant”. Well, let me tell you, he’s got nothing on me. Two baby buggies, two cribs, two parents, and then I show up. This is going to be awkward. Maybe I could just sneak out, and no one will notice. That would save a lot of embarrassment.

I have to tell you, though, I feel a little sad about the whole thing.

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“Okay, I’ve got your bag. We better get moving. You can call your mom on the way to the hospital.”

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This is unbelievable. I dreamed of getting out of here so many times, and now that the day has arrived, I don’t feel much like leaving. I don’t even want to hear what they have to say when they see me. But I don’t think I can just stay in here. Those first few moments will probably be a little rough, but once they figure out what to do with me, I’m sure I’ll just be able to move on. As bad as it’s been in here, I’ve adapted pretty well. I’ll survive.

I don’t think this could have gone on much longer. I mean, this is like a balloon ready to burst. I don’t know what will happen with me, but at least this stage of my life will be over. I need a change, whatever it is.

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“You’re doing great, honey. Just relax and breath. Your coach is here.”

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Oh my God, Dave, shut up. Three birthing classes, and he thinks he’s Doctor Spock.

Wow! It’s happening! I have to tell you, this is pretty dramatic from where I’m sitting, or lying, or hunched over, or whatever. There’s a lot going on in here. Big Boy had the lead, and I would have put my money on him to be the first one to the exit, but you can never count Squirmer out. The little guy cut right in front of him at the last possible moment.

Suddenly it hit me. Squirmer is on his way out. I don’t know what’s going to happen out there, and I didn’t even say goodbye. I feel bad about that.

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 “That’s it. Push!”

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Push? Is he talking to me?

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“He’s a beautiful baby! Everything is perfect.”

 “He’s got your eyes, Susan.”

“I think he looks like Grandma.”

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Okay, beautiful baby, mother’s eyes, looks like granny, blah, blah, blah. Who cares? On your own time. Let’s keep this thing moving.

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“And here comes baby #2. Oh, he is just perfect too. And a big baby. Mother and babies are all okay, Dave.”

“Good job, Susan. We did it.”

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We? I hope she hits him.

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“Well, congratulations to both of you. I’ve got to check on another patient. I’ll check in with you later, Susan.”

“Thanks, Susan and I…and the twins appreciate everything you’ve done. Bye, Doc.”

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Hey! Hey!! Come back here! Don’t leave me in here! I’m somebody too! Get back here doctor whoever you are!

I can’t believe this. I’ve been marking the days for nine flippin’ months and then nothing. Nothing happens. Nothing. And I guess I’m nothing. I might as well just stay here. Nobody wants me anyway.

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“Dave.”

“Yes, dear?”

“Something’s going on here. Get Doctor Simpson, like now.”

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“I feel like I’m having another baby! Get somebody!”

“Another baby?!”

“Just get someone!”

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It’s about freaking time! At least they know I’m here. Oh my God, that’s a relief.

I’m moving! I can feel it. I wondered how it would feel. It’s pretty cool. I bet it’s like going down one of those slides at a waterpark. This is the most exciting day of my life! I can’t…

Oh. I just remembered. I kind of forgot in the thrill of the moment. Once I get out there, nobody wants me. That sure takes the fun out of it. Maybe I’ll see Squirmer one last time. I guess I’d even like to be able to say goodbye to Big Boy. I should probably also at least get a look at Dave and Susan…or mom and dad. I don’t know if I should call them “mom and dad”. I guess I’ll go with Dave and Susan.

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“You sure are having another baby. Somehow we missed one. That can happen.”

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I don’t know how to feel. I should be happy, but I’m not. Do you know what it’s like to not be wanted?

I hope it’s not too uncomfortable for everyone out there. I don’t want to cause anyone any trouble. I’ll just keep a stiff upper lip until they decide what to do with me. I wonder if anyone will hold me, even for just a little. I guess I’d like to get a quick hug from mom…I mean Susan…before I go. Heck, I’d even take one from that goof Dave.

This is it. Be strong and try not to cry.

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“Here’s baby #3! And it’s another boy!”

“And he’s beautiful, Honey!”

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Beautiful? That sounds a little better.

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“Oh Dave! He’s like a surprise miracle baby! He’s like a special gift from God.”

“He sure is.”

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Miracle baby? Special? Gift from God?! Are they talking about me?

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“Looks like I’m going to have to run out and get another crib.”

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They’re going to keep me! They want me! I am special! I’ll be with Squirmer, and Big Boy…and Susan and Dave…I mean Mom and Dad!

I knew it! I knew it all along. I knew once they saw me, they wouldn’t be able to resist. I knew I’d be a cute baby!

Hugs! I’m getting lots of hugs. Everyone is smiling, laughing, and crying, the good, happy kind of crying.

Now I’m crying! I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, but I can’t help it. I am so happy!

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I’m home now. I have plenty of room, a really cool crib, and there’s a nice playpen for the three of us. And let me tell you, I have some pretty snazzy outfits, especially the ones I get from Grandma. I like the airplanes on the ceiling and the dinosaurs on the walls. The food is a little bland, but it’s okay. I get such a kick out of Squirmer- he is one funny baby, and Big Boy is, well, not as bad as I thought he’d be. And my Mom is the best Mom ever. And Dave? He is such a geek, but he is a really good guy. I like everything about everything.

Well, maybe they could have done better on my name. They only had two names picked out so Dave was stumped when they asked him for my name. He was silent for a moment and then blurted out “David, David Jr.”. Great. I’m saddled with being named after the county nerd. I would have preferred better, but I can live with it.

And me? What can I say? All I have to do is sleep, eat, pee and poop. And somehow I still manage to make people happy. Life is good.