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Funny Happy Friendship

***Please note: “In case there’s any confusion caused by the title, “Pasties” are also a food item eaten in the UK and Australia.***


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“Matthew, you have to see this!”


“What is it now, Martha?”


“Well, can you get your nose out of the paper long enough to take a look?”


“Is it important? I’m reading an interesting editorial on climate control. Can it wait?”


“Matthew, if I wait for you to finish reading the paper, all those articles on climate control will be out of date. Besides, I will have already moved onto a million other stories on my iPad and I won’t be able to find this one again.”


“See, that’s why I read the newspaper. Newspaper stories stay in place forever. No problems finding them again.”


“Geez, you’re frustrating!”


“And you’re impatient. Hrrmmph!


“Oh, it’s just that this argument we keep having about the newspaper vs. iPad is getting old! Just let me show you this. It’ll only take a couple of minutes.”


“Martha, can’t you just use that bookmark thingy on your iPad and I can look at it later? Not to mention, you always remind me that what you’re reading in the online news today will probably be in our newspaper tomorrow. So how about I read it then?”


“Oh, for Pete’s sake. I only want you to see these photos and trust me, you won’t see THESE pictures in our local paper tomorrow or anytime.”


“Why? Are they of naked women?”


“Close enough!”


“Well, why didn’t you say so? I’ve never been one to pass up looking at gorgeous females. Oh, okay. Sorry. Stop rolling your eyes. Bring your whiz machine over here and let me see what you’re going on about.”


“It’s not a whiz machine Matthew. It’s an iPad. You always tell me to be specific and that ‘the English language is very precise’. So, if you’re going to be pedantic, I will be too.”


“Oh okay, okay.”


“Furthermore, unlike that boring old newspaper you’re reading, the articles on here are in glorious color. Not to mention that I can enlarge the print and the photos, and, unlike you, I don’t have to wear two pairs of magnifying glasses to read tiny newspaper print.”


“God, you can talk, Martha! Heaven help me, but I married a chatterbox. Okay, enough said. Just bring whatever it’s called over here and show me what you’re going on about.”


“It’s an article about the recent New York Fashion Show…”


“And, pray tell, why would I be interested in the New York Fashion Show?”


“Because of what the models are wearing… or more to the point, what they’re not wearing.” 


“Fine. Give us a look. Holy jumping Judas! What’s with their boobs hanging out like that and being held up with strings of beads? And what are those things on that one’s boobs? It looks like she has a red rose on each nipple!”


“She does. See, I told you you’re not likely to see these in tomorrow’s paper. Keep scrolling. There’s more.”


“Yike! This one’s got an egg yolk plastered to her left boob. How did they manage that? Target practice? And what about this one with the letter K on each nipple? Must be K for kinky heh heh. How on earth do they keep those in place?”


“Those are called pasties.”


“Pastries? Like the ones you eat? That’s getting pretty blatant, isn’t it?”


“Pasties, not pastries, Matthew! Are your hearing aid batteries dead again?”


“Don’t shout! I heard you that time. So what’s with these pasties?”


“Pasties allow women to wear completely see-through tops showing the full breast but hiding the nipple, like in this photo here.”


“What’s the point of that?”


“To hide the ‘point’ I guess…ha ha.”


“Oh stop being so punny! But tell me: who would wear these pastry gowns…if you can call them gowns?” 


“It’s pasty, not pastry! And as for who would wear them, well not me. That’s for sure!”


“Thank heaven for that, darling. They couldn’t find pasties big enough for your knockers!”


“Oh, puh-leeze Matthew! Need I remind you how you couldn’t keep your eyes off these knockers…as you call them…way back when?” 


“Martha, that was way back then. But you haven’t answered my question. Who would wear gowns like these and where?” 


“Well, according to the article…and I must say the writer loves puns more than I do…it’s our younger generation. They have fewer hangups than we do. Of course, one day their rose-tipped hangups will be hanging down like mine, so I guess they feel they may as well show them off now while they’re worth looking at. Like you used to say, if you’ve got it, flaunt it. So they do. And as for where they go dressed like this…I guess clubs, parties, whatever.”


“Gees, if that doesn’t invite unwanted attention…or is it wanted? Somehow it all makes me feel very old-fashioned.”


“Oh sweetheart, you’re not so much old-fashioned as traditional. Not fully liberated from your religious upbringing.”


“So you’re saying this trend to let everything hang out is a further extension of women’s liberation then?”


“Probably. Mind you, the article does put some of the blame on Covid…”


“Covid? What’s Covid got to do with it?”


“Well, when we were all isolated in our homes and couldn’t go to work, let alone doll up and go to parties, people had no reason to dress up. Everyone started spending all day in sweatpants…”


“Yeah, I remember seeing you wearing your jammies and housecoat all day. For that matter, you’re still in your housecoat now and it’s nearly noon.”


“Matthew, we’re retired. I have nowhere in particular to go and no one to dress up for.”


“So I’m a no-one?”


“I didn’t say that!”


“I’m just joshing, cupcake. I know what you mean. So does that article tell you where you can buy those pastries…I mean pasties?”


“No, but we could ask our daughters.”


“Our daughters? Don’t tell me they wear pasties when they go out. I thought we raised our girls better than that!”


“We did, but they are way more tuned in to all this stuff than we are and they have younger friends who are really into trends.” 


“Ha…now you’re a poet and don’t even know it.”


“Very funny. But, why do you ask where one can buy pasties?”


“Well, I just kinda wonder what you would look like wearing pasties under a soft pink see-through blouse...”


“Matthew Banter! You’re naughty!”


“And you love it. Come here my chatterbox and sit on my lap.”


“And what? Give you a heart attack?”


“Martha, if your incessant chatter hasn’t killed me yet, a little cuddle certainly won’t.


February 22, 2023 21:28

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25 comments

KT George
04:29 Feb 24, 2023

You did it and I loved it! Very natural banter. I felt like I was eavesdropping on them. And the topic of the article to get it all started was hilarious. Who does wear see-through stuff these days?! Great job.

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Viga Boland
15:36 Feb 24, 2023

You see what you did? Your warm encouragement to submit this piece pushed me over the edge and I thank you for that. But I confess I had to get Mr. Banter 🤪 and his adult daughter (who takes the spotlight in my second story this week, Bonny Manipulation) to read it before I submitted. When said daughter stated that this was even funnier than the first two, I thought, “In for a penny, in for a pound” as Mr. Banter likes to say. So now I’m keeping fingers crossed that the Reedsy writing community finds this one, and Bonny Manipulation enter...

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KT George
15:11 Feb 25, 2023

You are welcome! You are enough, and the community will love your work. ☺️

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Irene Duchess
02:10 Mar 30, 2023

hehe. a good read, Viga. :) people are so inappropriate these days... I (thankfully) haven't seen anything like that yet, (nor do I want to) but still... there are plenty of other things... 'eyeroll'

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Viga Boland
02:13 Mar 30, 2023

Yeah, I just find myself wondering how much further can they go. I’m not a prude by any stretch but c’mon girls!

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Irene Duchess
02:17 Mar 30, 2023

yes... you could say I'm part of a younger generation... but things like that *eyeroll*...YIKES NO if this is what the world is turning into I don't really want to be a part of it. I'll just retreat to my peaceful, modest farm life. :)

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Michelle Oliver
10:50 Mar 15, 2023

This is cute and funny! Here in Australia we call them pasties- singular pasty, pronounced par-stee or pah-sties. Yeah, nah. Dunno why we do that. Y’know, mangle all those words. Seriously, though, this was a fun read. -Of course, one day their rose-tipped hangups will be hanging down like mine,- hahahaha so true. -Pastries? Like the ones you eat? That’s getting pretty blatant, isn’t it?- is it bad that I laughed out loud? Keep writing Viga, these are gold!

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Viga Boland
13:24 Mar 15, 2023

Oh Michelle…you bring a smile to my face on an otherwise sad day for my family. “These are gold”. What a lovely compliment. You make my head spin at that appraisal. BTW…you’re in Australia? Did I tell you we’re Aussies living in Canada? My brother-in-law (who passed away yesterday) and his family live in Brisbane. We are originally from Newcastle. Hence, our familiarity with pasties, including the pronunciation LOL. WhereBouts are you located? I’ve noticed a few Aussies on Reedsy. Let me know if you find more 😊

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Michelle Oliver
22:07 Mar 15, 2023

I’m from Perth WA. I am happy to have put a smile on your face. Hang in there, Viga. Look after yourself and hubby.

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Viga Boland
22:17 Mar 15, 2023

Well, good to meet you mate 🥹

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Michelle Oliver
22:25 Mar 15, 2023

👍 haha you can take the girl out of Australia but you can’t the the Aussie out of the girl! Back atcha mate.

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Mary Bendickson
17:11 Mar 07, 2023

You need to stop saying you are not that talented. This was so cute!

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Viga Boland
23:53 Mar 07, 2023

Amazing what one can dream up after reading a news item on the fashion industry LOL

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David Sweet
16:21 Feb 26, 2023

I enjoyed this very much. I can hear the retired British voices in my head so clearly. Thanks for the light-hearted piece. Keep submitting!

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Viga Boland
18:18 Feb 26, 2023

Thanks ever so much David. I’m glad some enjoy reading the lighter slices of life…not enough of them these days IMHO in neither songs nor stories. Heaven knows, we all need some laughs now and then. I see you’re a past winner. Congratulations. I’d be happy to just be shortlisted but that might be a long time coming… Not that gifted😂 I’ve added you to those I follow. Need to read what winners write LOL. Thanks for stopping by.

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David Sweet
18:25 Feb 26, 2023

Haha. Thanks for being one of those who write on the lighter side. My writing is tending toward the nostalgic right now. I need to re-discover my lighter side and write some comedy. Comedy is tough. I felt fortunate to be selected as a winner. I'm trying to get a writing regimen started after putting it off for 30 years. I have much to catch up on. I have had the fortune of making two trips to Britain to visit with my best friend. Love the country and immediately got the PASTY reference. Again, I look forward to reading your work.

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Viga Boland
21:13 Feb 26, 2023

Hi again David. Since you enjoy humour and have a background in theater, would love your thoughts on my other submission to contest #186, titled Bonny Manipulation. Has some pretty outrageous moments in it and it’s “faction” i.e my word for fiction based on fact. 🤪

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Wendy Kaminski
00:42 Feb 24, 2023

This was so cute, Viga! "Strange new world," indeed! lol I got a laugh in particular out of "How did they manage that? Target practice?" - hahah! Nicely done fish-out-of-water story that was truly enjoyable! :)

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Viga Boland
03:41 Feb 24, 2023

Oh thanks so much for commenting Wendy. I was very unsure about posting this one. Thought folks might think it corny … showing my age using “corny” LOL. I almost wasn’t going to post it but then I ran it by my daughter and she said she thought it was the funniest of the three that I’ve written. So I thought, “whatever…dive in!” So thanks very much for your supportive words. Hubby liked the “target practice” bit too.

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Wendy Kaminski
04:17 Feb 24, 2023

We're in the corn crib together, then! I thought it was great. :)

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Viga Boland
18:15 Feb 24, 2023

Great minds think alike 😉

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Lily Finch
04:56 Feb 23, 2023

Viga, this story is entertaining and funny. Well done. A nice change of pace from what I have read lately. Thanks for the read. LF6.

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Viga Boland
14:43 Feb 23, 2023

Thanks Lily. Between my past and so much sadness and horror in our current news, I can’t bring myself to add more of the same to readers’ lives. Letting Matthew and Martha banter on about the mundane and ordinary is an escape for me, and hopefully, for others who need a timeout.

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Jack Kimball
04:18 Feb 23, 2023

Hilarious! And insightful. I didn’t know they eat pasties in UK and Australia. Must have something to do with the egg yoke.

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Viga Boland
04:27 Feb 23, 2023

Thanks Jack. Glad you thought it was funny. I agonized a bit over this one. Dialogue is easy for me. After all, I AM a chatterbox! But I couldn’t decide if it was funny or just silly 🤪 But both my hubby and daughter laughed, so I plucked up the courage to submit. Now let’s hope others like it too. As for the edible pasties, a very popular snack: mixed cooked veggies, maybe some meat, baked in a yummy pastry.

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