D.A.V.E

DAVE

Dave had only ever wanted to blend in. He was programmed to blend in. Right now he was anything but blended, for Dave was being dragged round Trafalgar Square, London by two stolen Donkeys, wearing nothing but his synthetic skin and a pair of boots. Behind him were several Police Officers, and multiple tourists who were busy, filming his every move, broadcasting it over the world media, for everyone to see.

Dave’ s story started in a laboratory in a leafy Surrey Suburb, Staines-Upon-Thames. Although as the locals liked to call it, Staines Upon the Landscape. He had been designed as a companion bot. Equipped with all the latest emotional software, and a fully functioning, human body, he had been designed as the perfect specimen. He could also be adapted to suit the order, tall, short, dark hair, blond hair no hair, male, female, non-binary. He could be programmed to enjoy whatever his purchaser wanted him to like.To be fair most of the early androids had been bought by lonely single people with money to burn. 

However, Dedicated Automative Virtual Entity prototype Mark 10, had malfunctioned, or evolved, depending on how you looked at things. Dave, as he had decided he wanted to be called, identified as male, liked dark hair and was a big fan of quizzes and cheese.

He had left the laboratory one evening, after an argument with his creative team. He had told them he was going out for milk, but he had not come back. Apparently, he had seen this on the TV so assumed that is what people did, when they left home. 

At first Dave, was not sure what he would do. He did not need food to survive, but he did need charging once a month. As he had been walking he saw a sign for a quiz. He had the entrance fee as he had taken a payment card to buy the milk. Entering the pub he watched what the people in front of him did and followed suit, paying for the quiz and ordering 5 pints of beer.

He sat down at a table, taking in everything that was going on around him. The quiz tablet on the table sprung in to life as the first round started. History. What was the plague of the 2020 called? Dave, knew that. In 1666, what event destroyed most of London? In 2054 what event led to removal of the European President? This was easy Dave thought. Ten rounds later and Dave had won the quiz. He had also added beer to his list of likes.

He was banned from further quizzes by the jealous locals, once they realised he was an android, who had been programmed with a lot of knowledge. Dave had felt a little hurt by this, after all, there had been nothing to say androids could not enter. However, he was an android and he soon got over it.

Not needing to sleep Dave had spent the night wandering and watching. He eventually found a 24 hour cafe, where he went and ordered several plates of cheddar cheese. It was not very busy, at two am. Just a couple of police officers having coffee and cake. A group of workers taking a break from the road repairs outside. An angry driver, whose vehicle had fallen in to the hole left by the workers, which they had neglected to put the signage round, came in and started yelling abuse at the workmen.

Being programmed to be helpful, Dave had gone outside and directed traffic, and pulled the car out of the hole, so that the work crew and the police could finish their meals. Whilst there he thought he would be even more helpful, and he refilled the hole. Much to the annoyance of the work crew, who had not actually fixed the damaged cables and had to redig the hole and would now miss out on their bonuses for a quick finish. 

Narrowly avoiding arrest, Dave had learned that night, if you want to blend in don’t be overly helpful. A valuable lesson, which a week later he put in to practice when he stood by and watched as an elderly lady fell over in front of him, and he left her on the floor. However, the people around started calling him names as they rushed to help her, and Dave could not figure out what he was doing wrong. 

Later that week he was sitting in a cheese bar eating a baked Camembert and drinking beer, when he was joined by a woman. Dave wasn’t sure exactly what he should do, he had been designed by a woman, to her idea of the dream man. However, he had soon learned that what the creator had liked was not to everyone’s taste and sometimes, in fact most of the time, women did not want to hear about the inner workings of android mechanics and cheese.

He had tried with her but after he had spoken in depth for 20 minutes on the chemical composition of cheddar, she had rolled her eyes and walked off. Good looks could clearly only get an android so far.

He wanted so much to fit in so he had learned like all good people did by switching on the TV and finding dating shows.

Dave had learned to be superficial. He had learned to not really be listening and to compliment, the woman’s hair and clothes, whilst talking about himself, constantly. Dating was not his strong suit.

It’s not that he wanted to date a human but the damage being caused to his circuits by the constant slaps around the face had become worrying. Women liked his look but he had a lot of work to do on his personality. So he learned, and not just about dating. Dave became obsessed with reality TV shows, chat shows, drama, comedy and just about everything else on the TV. However, just as he thought he had figured out how to be human, a new show would bring a new perspective and in the end he realised he had been watching TV non-stop for four months.

Venturing out for the first time in four months Dave, decided that he wanted to go to a park and look at images of wild birds. Birds still existed, but it was so much easier to look at the images in the parks than to look at actual wildlife. 

As Dave wandered round St James’ Park, he saw a man struggling with two Donkeys. Dave was surprised to see real Donkeys as he thought that real animals only existed in Zoos and the countryside, so he went over to investigate. 

‘Hello, I am Dave. May I touch your Ass?’

The man looked up startled. ‘You want to what?’

‘Pet your donkeys. I have never met a real animal before. I want to know what they feel like.’

The man laughed, and said Dave could indeed touch his ass. Dave put his hand out and ran it along one of the donkeys. It was soft and he was intrigued. The donkey was less than pleased and decided to kick Dave. ‘Your ass is grumpy.’

The man shrugged and Dave realised that he was struggling to keep hold of the two Donkeys as they did not want to be on the concrete path, they wanted to be on the grass. ‘May I help?’ 

‘Help?’

‘Yes, you appear to be struggling with the two asses so I thought I could help. If you do not need help then this is fine, I will leave you alone as I want to go and look at pictures of tits.’

It took the man a few moments to realise he was meaning to look at pictures of birds. ‘Sure, a hand would be good. I need to load them on to a trailer which is parked a few roads over, he said . Dave nodded and took hold of one Donkey. Together they left St James’ Park and headed in the direction of Trafalgar Square. 

The man pointed to an animal transport vehicle parked by the National Gallery and stated that they needed to load them in to it.

‘Stop! Thief!’ 

Dave looked round to see who was yelling and what was being stolen. He realised that the angry person yelling was pointing at him and the man and the donkeys. The man, realising his donkey rustling had been found out, handed Dave the second Donkey and started running. He made his way to the trailer, jumped in and sped off. 

Dave, wasn’t sure what was happening but the sudden movement from the man led to the donkeys getting spooked and taking a bite of Dave. Luckily for Dave the donkey missed his body and grabbed hold of his Velcro fastened boiler suit, which it managed to pull off him. Now, as an Android, Dave didn’t need underwear, so now Dave was naked, apart from his boots.

This caused quite the commotion from the tourists, which really freaked the Donkeys, who realised that they had left a nice park with some grass and they wanted to head back that way. Suddenly giving a buck and a kick the donkeys took off and pulled Dave off his feet. Dave did not want to let go of the donkeys. He had learned the hard way that if you have someone’s animal handed to you on a lead, you did not let go. This time he would not be searching for lost animals for two days.

The commotion, had drawn the attention of two passing police officers, who gave chase. The further the donkeys went the more tourists, took pictures and videos.

Before long, the footage was live streaming on news outlets across the world. It would go on to become the most watched video of all time, until it would be overtaken in a couple of years by a cat video. 

Donkeys are not stupid creatures and they made their way back to the park. They knew where they wanted to be, and they knew how to get there. So they hopped on the number 42 bus, which drove off with Dave barely managing to cling on to the lead ropes and being dragged along the road. The bus pulled up out by the park and the donkeys hopped off. They stopped the second they hit the grass, leaving a naked Dave flat out on the path.

The Police arrived and arrested a very confused Dave, who insisted he had only wanted to touch ass and look at tits. However, once he actually explained the situation, they realised that he was in fact just an overly helpful idiot. They still felt he should be charged with something, and idiocy had not been a crime in centuries so they charged him with public indecency. 

Having become a global sensation, Dave found that blending in became harder and harder, as everyone wanted a picture with him. He went on National television, and gave interviews. He was most excited when he went on his favourite day time TV show, and got to meet Chardonnay DeWitt, his favourite tele hostess.

After the show, they chatted for a bit and she put him in touch with her therapist who she said would help him, with his personality issues.

Unfortunately, all this attention had brought him to the attention of his creators and they were waiting for him at the studio. ‘We have come to take you back’

Dave did not want to go back. So he put in to practice everything he had learned from watching tv. He pushed past them, ran down the corridor. Crashed through the fire exit, causing the fire alarms to go off and the studio to be evacuated mid-news broadcast.

Dave ran down the road, jumped over the bonnet of a moving car, and headed for the busy London streets. However, he was Dave and everyone knew him. He headed in to a clothes shop to hide, and an idea hit him. He remembered seeing an advert for an android parts store. He figured out where he was and where the store was and made his way. 

Dave went shopping and then headed home to his apartment. Several hours later Dave had new hair, using Eyeodye, his brown eyes had been made blue, he was two inches shorter and had reprogrammed his voice. He decided that from now on he would be known as Mark. He had learned a lot from not watching TV and by being around actual people. 

Mark, the android formerly known as Dave, left his apartment and made his way to the coffee shop. Today was his first day as a barista. He had wanted to be a barrister but had got confused and also the latter needed to have years of training. So he had settled for making coffee. He was good at making coffee and he had a real connection with the coffee machines. 

He met many interesting people in his coffee shop. Before long he was giving out legal advice with every coffee, he was able to do this as he had got a diploma from the internet. 

Mark, was everyone’s favourite barista. He met a Mark 7 android and they bought an apartment together and before long Dave was nothing but a meme.