Finding Judy

"Can you keep a secret?"

"I'd gladly keep your secret Judy, write it down for me" my therapist says writing something down. She crosses her legs.

I lean back in the long chair. “No you can’t, your paid to receive answers from me you’ll just give it to my parents right after” I say with laughter.

“No. I can assure you that everything you say will remain here” she says tapping her pen on her chin.

“With you?” I say quickly standing up going to the shelf.

“Of course” she responds. I pull my hands against the books not touched for years. I tap on one with my pointer finger, little finger prints are already there.

“Judy do sit down, its important that-” she starts to say.

“You ever read any of these books Miss?” I ask her as I pull a hand through my hair.

“I tell you something about me, and you tell me something about you” she says when I turn to her due to her silence. “If you must know, I read these books when I was studying to become a therapist, it was hard work but I studied them because I wanted to help people. People like you Judy”

“Mm, but what gives you the idea that I need your help? Or even want your help for a matter of fact” I say turning to her once more.

“Its your turn, tell me something about you.” she says ignoring my rude statement. I turn to the books once more, its the only book not in the shelf completely. Why? what makes this book so special, that it needed to be read?

“Judy, have a seat” my therapist says. “And do tell”

“Something about me huh?” I say scratching my head. “I’m not sure what my parents told you, but-” I snatch that book out. “Do not take me for a fool!” I yell at her, as I throw the book at the large window.

“Judy-” she starts. But I shush her with a glare, and turn to take out the recorder hiding.

“Hm, what did you say about not telling my parents again?” I say. She moves in her seat uncrossing his legs once more and crossing it back.

“I can assure you Judy that those are recordings for my rearrangements after, I like to use the recordings to better understand my patients.”

Ou she’s good. Better than I expected. “Usually when people record people they tell them Miss”

“I do realize how it looks like but I do understand some of my patients will feel a sense of fear when they feel they are being recorded” she responds twirling his pen in her hand. Oh yeah, she’s good. I walk back to my seat with the recorder in hand, I lean on the chair, with my legs up on them.

“Sorry about the book” I say with a shrug.

“Its okay, so tell me Judy, do people take you for a fool? Is that why you raged at me earlier?” she asks leaning forward for my answer.

“Yes.” Is all I say as I click through the recorder. “Am I your first appointment Miss?”

“Yes why?” she asks.

“Good.” I put the recorder on the floor and crush it with my boots. Miss looks unaffected, but she does raise an eyebrow at me. “I don’t want you recording me or this conversation, and even if you did have the recorder you wouldn’t understand, not a problem right?”

She sighs visibly. “Judy, your parents want to help you.”

“Yeah yeah, you would know, I mean what you had a meeting with them for a day and now you know everything? Just stop”

“Okay, then why don’t you tell me about them” her eyes are expecting as they look at me. She doesn’t want me to divert the question. But I don’t care what she wants.

“Can you keep a secret Miss?” I ask with a smile. She leans back in her chair visibly disappointed.

“Yes, Judy” she says taking off her glasses.

“I killed someone” I say softly

“You what-” she says picking up her pen quickly. Surprised I gave her something useful. “Do you want to tell me about it?” she asks.

“I told you didn’t I?” I say. I stare down at the recorder which is in pieces. “I made her change, I hated her because society hated her, I wanted her to be like them Miss.”

“To be like you?” she asks me drinking a sip of water.

“No.” I respond flat out. “I don’t remember being any better. I wasn’t- I wasn’t someone who could help her, I hated her, I despised her because she was not like everyone else. I wanted her to be popular so that I could be popular. I wanted her to be smart, so that I could pass my class. I wanted her to be pretty. I needed her to be like everyone else so that I could stop suffering.”

“Have you..told anyone about this?” she asks hesitantly.

“No.” I respond once again. “No one liked her, no one liked us. I went crazy but no one believed me. I cried everyday just waiting for someone to pull me out of that hole. I wanted her to help me Miss! But how can she help me when she’s down there with me”

“….” she opens her mouth to speak but shuts it, passing me tissues.

“Then something changed.. I was crying and she knew, but she pulled on that stupid smile. My parents knew too, but they went out to party not giving a d**n about me. I was alone, but she was surrounded by people, people who really didn’t care” I say pulling a hand through my hair. “When I realized what I had done it was too late. She wasn’t like them, she was them.”

“I don’t understand. I thought you said both of you were alone” Miss asks while writing it down.

“Yeah that’s how it was but then she listened to me, she listened to all my complaints- but one!” I say with a finger up. “I wanted her to take me with her but no she stuffed me down a whole with all my dreams and she told me that her new friends didn’t like me. I wasn’t good enough.”

“Judy that’s not true, and nothing is your fault” Miss says with that look in her eyes. Pity.

“Oh? then who’s fault is it? Hers?” I ask her honestly. “If its hers..why am I the one in pain, why not her?” I ask but I don’t wait for her answer. “I made her that way but yet I still hated her, I despised her, I knew that wasn’t her. So I decided to kill her too.”

Miss stops writing and stares at me. “Too?”

“Didn’t I tell you? I killed two people” I say standing up, I walk over to her. She looks uncomfortable, scared? thats new.

“Unfortunately, I do not understand, who-” she starts to say but I interrupt her.

“You know I don’t even remember who they are anymore…” I say with a shrug. “But I do remember who killed them..”

“What were their names Judy?” she asks me. I turn around with laughter releasing in my voice.

“Sorry..its just when you say my name; Judy, with the word their its weird.” I turn to her to see her expression. She has a confused look on.

“Come on! Your supposed to be the smart one.” I sigh and sit on the glass table right in front of her. “I killed Judy” I say staring right in her eyes, her eyes widen.

“I killed her, I killed her kind spirit, I killed her optimistic spirit, I killed her smile, I killed her light..” I look up at the ceiling. “It wasn’t on purpose though. I don’t even know why I feel guilty when the person who put the gun in my fingers, was this world. But….the person who pulled the trigger was me. Its my fault. I thought others happiness would lead to my own, I wanted the suffering to stop so I clouded my eyes with tears and did it.” I say walking over to my chair. I grab my bag and stuff.

“It didn’t work…And when I realized who I had become after that, I hated that too, I suffered more under that ridiculous smile, so I pulled the trigger once more.” I say as I pull my bag over my shoulders. “You want to help me right?”

“Yes Judy” she says tapping her pen on her chin for the fourth time today.

“Then, tell me who I am now?”

“I’m sorry Judy but only you can give you that answer.” she responds to me. I laugh shaking my head and pick up the book I threw at the window. Typical.

“We still have a few more minutes do sit down, I think I can help if you let me in a little more Judy, I can help you realize who you are. On your own.” my therapist says. I shake my head once more.

“No. We are done here. I’ve stayed here too long. Its time to get out.”

“Judy,” My therapist says getting up from her chair. “Where will you go”

“I’m going to find Judy” I say with a smile on my lips. “The real me.” I sigh looking out the window once more with the book in my hand.

“Thank’s for everything, but I don’t need your help anymore.” I say as I walk over to her. I hand her the book. The title of the book read. ‘Finding Judy’

“So is this goodbye Judy?” she asks me as she stares down at the book, then meets my eyes.

“Yes, I used this place to hide, that won’t happen anymore.” I respond.

“I see. Well farewell Judy” she says with a little smile.

“Bye…. Ms. Judy”