Ten Seconds of Jessamine

***Trigger warning for death***

“This winter sky - how can anyone sleep? There was never such a night before! I feel like putting my arms around my knees and squeezing tight as possible, and flying away. Oh the moon! Oh the snow in the moonlight! And your childlike eyes and your distant smile, I will never be this happy again. You and I, you and I, you and I, and no one else. Maybe he came today - maybe he came already. Maybe he’s sitting in the drawing room, and I simply forgot.”

It takes just ten seconds to watch a star fall, but it’s still light coming from two and a half million years away from you. 

I watch the stars at night, always alone. I used to watch them with someone else, but she is gone now. Gone, like a feather in the air, like a whisper in the wind. I miss her dearly, but she’ll always be gone from me. Always. That doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop loving her. I will love her until the day I die, and I know she loves me still, from beyond the grave. 

I will always love her.

It takes just nine seconds to watch a petal fall from a flower lying beside you, as you sprawl out onto the wavy dark green grasses. 

I recognize the flower to be a yellow jessamine. Like my own Jessa with her flowing blond hair and crystalline blue eyes, like sapphires, dancing in the wind. It makes me think of her, and for that I cry, I cry tears of sadness for my own yellow Jessamine and her sapphire eyes. 

Or at least, I try.

I miss her everyday. Everyday, I think of her. Everyday, I wish to see her again. Everyday. 

I remember her funeral so vividly. My tears were supposed to block the memories of her like a shield, protecting me from what was to come. But it didn’t work, as I couldn't cry. All I could do was stand there like a porcelain doll, waiting for a chance to be alone with her. Waiting for a chance to see her one last time before they lowered her into her grave. I just couldn’t cry. Not a single briny tear.  

It takes just eight seconds to see a drop of snow fall right underneath your nose, the first of the winter. 

I remember the first day we met, that day in the snow. You laughed along with me, Jessa. Do you remember? Do you remember how you smiled, not through your face, but through your eyes, showing all of my own feelings at once? You made me so happy. You brought so much joy to my mind, I’m sure my own grey eyes showed the same giddy feeling of happiness as your sapphire blue ones. 

I remember. I remember the snow falling onto our feet, your pretty snow boots tracking water into the house. I remember making you a cup of hot soup, and slurping the noodles up together, as we laughed and smiled through our eyes. I remember it all, because I have no tears to block it out. 

I will never forget.

It takes just seven seconds to fall asleep, curled up on her sofa, watching a movie.

I remember your favorites were comedies, because you enjoyed laughing. I loved your laugh. It sounded just like birds chirping in the moonlight. 

I liked horror best, but now I love anything that will make me laugh, because it makes me think of you. 

It takes just six seconds for you to kiss her on the cheek, a sign of appreciation for all that she’s done. 

We never kissed, because it made me feel frozen inside. It always felt so wrong, but I never stopped staring at your sapphire eyes, wondering if our eyes locking was our equivalent of kissing. 

The closest we got was when I kissed you on the cheek that one time in late December, only a couple of years ago. Our second new year together, when I felt so uncomfortable not giving you a kiss as the dusk turned to dawn. And so I kissed you on the cheek, and you in turn grew bright red. Do you remember?

I hope you do. I hope even in death, you’ll never forget me. 

It takes just five seconds to watch her fall asleep next to you, thinking that she’ll still be alive when you wake.

I remember that night so well. I remember the dreamlike lumination coming from the glittering white holiday lights outside of our bedroom, the whole block illuminated like a burning candle. I remember your snoring, which you claimed you never did, and how I thought about how I had to tell you I couldn’t sleep in the morning.

And then I remember when the snoring and sounds of breathing fell flat, and how worried I felt. I remember trying to wake you, desperately trying, but to no avail. You were gone, just like the letters we used to exchange long ago as they dropped into the mail slot. Gone, gone, gone.

It takes just four seconds to say her name for the first time, when she first introduces herself to you. 

“Jessamine,” you say, smiling that beautiful bright smile of yours. It was the first time I ever saw anyone with that same shade of sapphire eyes, and the first time I had seen your smile, as well. 

I introduce myself to you, and you smile again. We part ways, but I mutter your name under my breath right as you leave me for the first time. 

Jessamine. 

It takes just three seconds to hand her a box on her birthday.

It contained something I saw and immediately thought of you as I stared into it. A small, clean sapphire necklace, the same shade as your eyes. It was wrapped in copper swirls; swirls that looked almost like your dark pupils. 

You smiled as I handed it to you, that same smile that made your eyes sparkle. The stone sparkled with it, as you hug me tightly, something I only allow you to do. 

It takes just two seconds to say goodbye. 

Saying goodbye to you was the hardest thing I’ve done yet. It was at your funeral, just before they put you into the ground. I wanted you to be cremated so I could sprinkle your ashes in the garden of jessamines in our yard, but your family wanted you buried. I wish I didn’t have to see your beautiful sapphire eyes so dull, or your already pale skin paler, but at least I could say goodbye to you one last time. 

I took the sapphire stone out of my hand and placed it around your cold neck, hoping that you’d be buried with a reminder of how much I love you. 

It takes just one second to shed a single tear. 

I only cried once before, and it was when I was born. I have never been able to cry, but I cried when I had to let you go. Perhaps there is no life after death, and you won’t remember me. But I have hope that if you can make me cry, I can continue to live on without you always by my side. 

Still, I will never forget you, my lovely Jessamine.