Love Flickers Like A Dying Light

Love Flickers Like a Dying Light

She wakes to the flickering of a light. One that is dimly lit, but in a last attempt to live, it shines a little brighter for the girl’s awakening. For a moment, she forgets where she is and how she got here. But then, she recalls she is in her bed, in her room, in a place she can’t quite call home. 

The light is still flickering as she sits up, running her fingers through her tousled hair though it is futile. She can’t comb her bird nest without a brush. Her name is called through the walls of the house, urging her to get up quickly. She listens. She does not argue with the owner of the voice. She never does.

Her parents speak of idle pleasantries at the breakfast table, much to the girl’s disinterest. It is the same every day. The weather, local gossip, and news on their brand new radio. Both the trashy kind and the heartbreaking type. She doesn’t voice her opinion at the table. She only agrees and nods with the words of her mother and the actions of her father. Because if not, what else is she supposed to do?

~

It is a Sunday, so the family arrives at the grand looking church they visit every week. The girl does not mean to disrespect the beauty of the place, but she wishes she wasn’t there. She wants to go back to sleep where no one is telling her how to live her life. 

‘Does that make me a bad person?’ She wonders if that is a controversial thought as she enters. She likes the building, with its beautiful stained glass windows, perfectly aligned pews and an altar decorated with lit candles. It almost feels like she is in a dream. 

‘But if it were a dream, I would be happy,’ she thinks sombrely. 

The priest is talking about how sinners must repay their sins by praying and following traditions. The girl wonders if she is a sinner. She thinks of the girl she is in love with, Rosa, and ponders if that is a sin. She daydreams of a life with that girl where they are married and in love. 

‘Is that a sin too?’ The girl casts her thoughts away. No, she is not meant to be thinking these things. Her mother told her loving someone of the same sex is wrong. 

‘Why?’ A voice asks in the back of her mind. ‘Why can’t you love her?’ The girl shuts out her thoughts again. She will not let curiosity get the better of her.

~

Her father is discussing some trading business with the father of a family who lives down the street. His wife is talking to her mother about some local scandal she has no interest in. The girl sighs, standing in the middle of the church, alone. The neighbour’s children are nowhere to be seen. The girl wonders why she is always by herself, even in a holy place like this. 

Their new automobile is full of chatter as the girl’s mother rambles about a nice boy in the town. His mother is her friend from finishing school, and she thinks the son makes good husband material. The girl can’t help but disagree. She knows the boy her mother is talking about, his name is Jonathan, (a name she isn’t particularly fond of, for no specific reason) and he is the topic of the town. The girl knows many of her classmates who fawn over him. She doesn’t see the appeal.

For the rest of the journey, she thinks of the girl in her class with caramel hair and grey-blue eyes. She is captivating in all the right ways and is the girl’s closest friend. She is often distracted by her unique name, Rosa Everett, and her smile which is radiant like the sun. She glosses over the deprecating words that could be said if she were to openly love another girl. Rosa is worth it. Not that she will ever tell her that.

~

She wakes to the flickering light again the next morning. She gets up, and puts on her school frock dress, disliking the way the uniform is tight against her skin. The clack of her shoes is loud as she walks to the breakfast room. Her parents greet her, almost mechanically, talking about the weather and trivial topics the girl has no appeal for. It is always the same.

The girl sits in her etiquette class, sitting side by side with Rosa. The teacher is explaining the importance of proper posture and dialogue tone. She is droning on about how to appeal to young gentlemen by using polite words and having elegant manners.

“It is the 1890s. One might think they need not participate in finishing school,” Rosa mumbles quietly to herself, and the girl suppresses a chuckle. She agrees with her. They are young ladies, not quite eighteen, but older than their juniors of sixteen who are still frolicking in the sweet ideology they will be taken away by some prince. The girl never believed in such frivolities. Rosa mutters something else about how women should not be confined to the kitchen and rather should be placed in seats of power like the town mayor. The girl smiles inwardly. She will never stop being fascinated by the thoughts of Rosa Everett. She will never stop liking her charm and her strings of words that make no sense but are somehow answers she has been looking for. She will tell Rosa her feelings one day, even though she doesn’t know when that is.

~

A boy around their age is staring over at her and Rosa. The girl is uncertain as to why he is doing such a thing, considering the ugliness of their uniform, but she tells herself to look away and remind herself she is going home shortly. She knows she is one of the lucky ones to go to the finishing school, but she despises the fact it is opposite the local boys' school. It means uncomfortable staring and several lads approaching them, asking if she is looking for some tomfoolery. Which she never is. If Rosa is aware of the boy and his staring, she does not show it. Instead, she looks up at the clouds, her sitting position still perfect and poised. The girl is once again mesmerised. How can someone have such composure at seventeen? She shakes her head in disbelief, Rosa Everett is unaware of her beauty. 

~

The girl wakes up in darkness. The flickering light has shone its last and died. She wonders if the day will be a good one, even if she didn’t start her day with brightness. Her head is filled with Rosa as she prepares for school. Breakfast is nothing more than a blink of her eyes and suddenly she is at school. She walks in, wondering how love can bring her such joy but cause her great despair. She enters the designated classroom and sits at one of the many wooden tables. Rosa has yet to arrive. The girl stares out the window until she hears a short rap knocked against her table.

“There is a rumour that you do not like men, but rather, women.” A girl in her class, Elizabeth, says forwardly. The girl blinks. A proper greeting would have been nice.

“That is disgusting.” Elizabeth continues, drilling out question after question.

“What do your parents think?” Elizabeth’s friend asks, a petite girl with the name Louise. The girl has no words. How did they know? 

“Rosa must hate you. That’s probably why she isn’t in class today.” Elizabeth drawls, and the girl freezes. Do they know it’s Rosa she is in love with?

“Aren’t you going to say something?” Louise taunts, and the girl exhales slowly. Her mother’s words of never speaking up echo in her ears. Her years of etiquette school scream at her, telling her not to engage in this fight covered with lace and pretty words. Except she has never been one to follow the rules. 

“Where did you hear this information?”

“Marcus Hollows informed us yesterday evening, after school,” The boy who was staring at her. Of course. 

“Are you fooling around with Marcus now, Elizabeth?” The girl snaps, she is too tired for judgement.

“You have no right to say that, sinner,” Louise defends her friend aggressively. 

“If you are waiting for me to kiss you, you will be waiting for a long, long time. Please leave me alone now.” The girl states firmly, turning away from them. 

“You are a freak. You shouldn’t be in our class, let alone this school,” Elizabeth hisses, pulling her hair so she’s forced to stand up. “If you ever go near any of us, you-”

“Alright. That’s enough,” the girl spits, knocking Elizabeth’s hand away. She is not defenceless. She is not weak. And she will not be controlled.

“You just h-”

“Is everything alright over here?” Rosa’s soft voice cuts through their arguing. The entire classroom is silent.

“This girl is a disgrace to our society,” Elizabeth tries to explain, “she likes women and not men,” she says the words like they are coated with poison. 

“And?” Rosa challenges with an unimpressed look on her face. The girl glances at Rosa whose confidence is unwavering. The two girls have nothing more to say. They storm off, leaving her with Rosa. Sweet Rosa, who defended her and did not join in on their mockery.

“Thank you,” the girl murmurs and Rosa smiles. She tells her there is no need.

“You have every right to love who you wish,” Rosa validates, a gentle look in her eyes as she says the words.

‘Even if it is you?’ The girl thinks to herself, unaware she has said that last thought aloud.

“Even then,” Rosa replies, and the girl is surprised for a second, before realising her mistake. “I have longed to be with you since the beginning of our friendship. But we live in a harsh society where love matters only when a man and woman come together in holy matrimony,” She scowls. The girl is speechless. Rosa wishes to be with her. 

“I like you a lot, Rosa,” the girl confesses, though she knows Rosa is already aware of this information.

“I like you a lot too, Clementine.” Rosa smiles. The girl stands there for a moment. When Rosa says her name she is reminded of who she is and not the girl her parents wish her to be. Clementine clasps her hands with Rosa, slowly but confidently. And she knows now, that it is okay to let people know how she feels, especially if they are worth it.