Dirty Secrets

“You did WHAT?”

“It’s not that bad.”

“No, it's even worse!”

“I mean, it just sorta happened-”

“Just happened? Are you serious?”

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic! Like it could never happen to you if you were in my place.”

“Of course it couldn’t! Are you even hearing yourself? This is crazy, you’re crazy!”

“Uh, why did I even tell you…”

“Yeah, why did you? You shouldn’t! You should never speak of things like that - you should forget all about it and bury it in the deepest part of your mind where you cannot find it so you don’t ever bring it up!”

“Sheesh, fine! I’m sorry I said anything! Man, you’re sensitive today…”

“Sensitive? Oh, what, so now whenever someone decides to drop a bomb on someone else, the first time they see them in the morning, and that person has a completely normal reaction on a bomb exploding, we’re calling that sensitive?”

“Brad...”

“You do not upset someone, the first moment you see them that day! It sets the tone and mood for that person for the whole day!”

“Brad.”

“I have tons of work to do today. Tons! I’m behind schedule as it is and I need my mood to be in tip-top shape.”

“Brad, Jesus, stop overreacting! You’re being ridiculous!”

“Oh, I’m not the one who-”

“I said ‘good morning’ to you when I woke up, you know. Unless you call that ‘dropping a bomb’ too.”

“What? I didn’t hear you wake up.”

“That’s because you had your head stuck so far up your snoring ass that not even a bomb could wake you!”

“Oh, I don’t think it’s my ass we should be talking about right now!”

“Asshole!”

“Oh my god, Karen, don’t do that, please! I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet and I’ve already lost my appetite!”

“Good.”

“Hm?”

“I said GOOD.”

“Why is that good?”

“You won’t eat that much.”

“What does that mean?”

“Lose an extra pound or two…”

“Hey, I’m trying, okay? But it’s very difficult to do that with so much stress around me! I’m binge eating on whatever crap we have at home while watching Netflix.”

“You lack discipline, Brad.”

“No, what I lack is some peace and quiet, without bombs exploding in the morning!”

“Argh, I only told you, that when I got up to go to the toilet, I-”

“No, don’t say it again, what’s wrong with you? Haven’t you done enough damage? My creative juices are now tainted with the images you’ve given me. It’ll be a miracle if I can get anything done at all today…”

“Yeah, we’re all waiting for that miracle. At least call the plumber so we can use the toilet. I’m not walking upstairs to your parents.”

“Karen.”

“What? I’m not!”

“Can we, please, stop with the toilet? Please.”

“I’m not the one making such a fuss about it!”

“Karen, honey. I beg you. Please.”

“Fine. I’m getting breakfast. This whole conversation has made me stressful and I need sugar. Now.”

“Yeah… hey, wow! Watch where you wave that thing!”

“Oh god, I showered, okay?”

“Still, don’t rub it in my face!”

“That’s not what you said last night.”

“Last night you didn’t… you know…”

“Fuck you, Brad. We’re not doing that again, ever.”

“I’m not sure I want to…”

“Good.”

“Good?”

“Yes! Fine!”

“Alright, fine! Hey, easy on the door, my folks like to sleep in on the weekends!”

“Oh yeah? I thought that the bomb I dropped woke them up already!”

“I thought we agreed on dropping this subject…”

“I did. But you refuse to let it go!”

“Hey, can you not destroy the whole kitchen? We might need that tomorrow!”

“Well, looks like a bomb struck in it, doesn’t it?”

“Ahhh, Karen…”

“Wow, what a warzone this morning is!”

“Fine, I’m just not gonna talk to you until you calm down.”

“That’s the nicest thing you’ve said all morning, honey.”

“Hey!”

“Don’t hey me, mister! Call the plumber.”

“I know, stop reminding me of it!”

“I have to! Unless I tell you every five minutes you will forget like you always do! Call him now so we can have the toilet fixed by noon. I can hold until noon. God help you Brad if I have to go upstairs to use the bathroom.”

“God help me if I can get any work done today.”

“It’s Saturday.”

“I’m an artist.”

“Well, today you better not be abstract about it. Call the plumber.”

“Ahhh…”

“I feel like I’m a mother to a bratty little child…”

“Stupid woman doesn’t understand creative genius… Yes? Is this Unclogged Ltd.? Hello, it’s me, Brad. Oh, you know, the usual - big dreams, small hands. I’m working on three different projects while helping manage a Kickstarter and fiddling with my own gig on the side. Busy times, very stressful. The last thing I need is a clogged toilet, you know? What about you? Oh really?”

“What is it?”

“Is that so? I had no idea… will you still manage the plumbing business, then? Oh, your son will?”

“Brad, what is it?”

“Shh, I’m on the phone! No, that was Karen. Yes, we’re still together. Managed to be for whole five years. She’s waving from the kitchen. Karen, Bill sends his regards! Yeah, she’s sending hers back… So tell me, how did all this happen? Mhm. Aha. Huh… You don’t say? Uh-huh. Wow… I- I’m happy for you, BIll. You deserve it. So… could you still come? I know it’s Saturday and all… Oh, alright then. Appreciate it. Right, see you. Bye.”

“So, what was all that about?”

“Huh.”

“Huh what? What’s happened? Is he coming?”

“Bill said he’s quitting plumbing, giving the business to his son.”

“What? Why? Is he retiring? But he’s not even sixty yet… Did something happen? Oh no! Was there an accident?”

“Karen, calm down. He’s giving the business to his son because he’s started something else. He… wow, I never knew…”

“He what, Brad? Can you tell me already?”

“He… he writes poetry. It’s like a hobby of his. He had it since he was a young kid, he said. Always managed to found the time for it, no matter how busy he was, working double shifts to support the family and all… But now, he said a major publisher has found his work on some old forum where he once posted it. They contacted him and they love his work. They want to publish all of it, turn it into motivational videos and speeches, even. It’s that good, huh…”

“Oh, that’s great news! So, he’s an artist too? Maybe he can give you some tips!”

“Tips from a plumber, Karen? Relay?”

“What? You’re always complaining about how you don’t ever get any original ideas for your designs. And admit it, you procrastinate like it was a sport. If procrastination was an Olympic discipline, then Brad, honey, you’d be golden.”

“Hey! I don’t procrastinate! Have you any idea how hard it is to get inspired? You can’t just sit down and whoosh, ideas magically appear! It’s a very complicated process, this inspiration, and very fragile. You wouldn’t understand anyway.”

“Whatever… is he coming, then?”

“He said he’ll be here in fifteen minutes.”

“What? It’s Saturday!”

“He’s a working man. Just like me.”

“Ha!”

“Hey, don’t be smug with me, missy. When I hit big time with a good deal you’ll take all your snorts and smirks back.”

“Yeah, but until then, I’ll be giving them to you, honey. I think you could learn a lot from Bill. Who cares if he’s a plumber? Ooo! Perhaps he can teach you how to fix the toilet, so you can do it like a real man!”

“Karen…”

“Just saying.”

“That hurt.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What’s going on today?”

“I don’t know. It’s a weird day.”

“I think the coffee is ready.”

“Oh shoot! It’s spilling!”

“Ugh…”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“What? You look pale.”

“The coffee… It’s brown.”

“So?”

“It reminds me…”

“Brad, you need to grow up. Your parents might not realize this, but I do. Here’s your coffee. Blow, it’s hot.”

“I’m not a baby.”

“Then don’t act like one.”

“I’m not- Hey, someone’s at the door.”

“I’ll get that!”

“Whoah, that was fast. He said fifteen minutes…”

“Oh, hi, Bill! How are you? Come in, I just made coffee! Oh, you’ve been up since five? Yeah, we’ve just woken up ourselves... Well, I usually get up early too, but Brad… Come in, feel like at home!”

“Oh, hey Bill! That was fast - I’m glad you could come, being the weekend and all… Hey, congratulations on your deal with the publisher! I know how difficult it is to make money with poetry. Oh, but it is! Almost no one does it. You’re an exception!”

“Hey Bill, Brad is an artist too! Perhaps you could give him a hint or two? He’s been having a rough time lately and needs some motivation. I hear your poems are motivating!”

“Yeah, maybe later… Oh, you can recite while you work? That’s impressive… but there’s really no need. Our fields are so vastly different anyway; yours is poetry, mine is graphics design… It’s like I’d be speaking Russian to you. Oh, you know Russian? Um… well, there’s the toilet! Where it’s always been… Mind your step, though. We had a bomb blow up in there...”

“Brad, tell him what’s the problem! I’m sure he needs details so he can fix it.”

“Karen, the man knows what he’s doing, if he needs details he’ll ask for them. So, yeah, the toilet is clogged. Oh, you would like to hear the details? Can’t you just, you know, unclog it?”

“Brad, tell him what happened earlier.”

“Um… well… I didn’t see it with my own eyes, but Karen… Hey, honey, don’t you think you should tell the man? I mean, it happened to you, not me.”

“I’m busy! Do you want your eggs to burn?”

“Right. So, the thing is… Karen. She went to the toilet in the morning… let me just spray some of that lavender… there we go. You’re probably repulsed by the smell of a toilet by now, huh? Oh, it doesn’t bother you? Huh… Anyway, Karen… it was an emergency. You see, we’ve been, um, experimenting the other night, and it might have left some consequences… No, not with food. I mean, yes, I did cook dinner, but I’m a very competent cook, so the food wasn’t spoiled or anything. We experimented… in the bedroom.”

“Eggs are ready!”

“Yes… the back door and all? Oh. Okay. Wow, your wife sounds like an expert, Bill. Anyway, it was our first time and… well… it was great, don’t get me wrong! But I had no idea what would follow. You see when she went to the toilet this morning…”

“Hey, the eggs are ready! Come eat.”

“I’m just explaining to Bill what happened.”

“What? All this time?”

“Um… yes.”

“It’s not that complicated.”

“It’s… embarrassing. I’m sure Bill doesn’t want to hear every dirty detail… Oh, you’ve heard them all? There was once a cat stuck in the toilet? How did that happen…”

“Brad, just tell him so he can fix it and I can go pee.”

“I… the thing is… Karen…”

“I accidentally dropped Brad’s dildo in the toilet while I took a dump and flushed, and the whole thing bubbled over, flooding the bathroom as you can probably notice.”

“Dear god, it’s like I can see it happening…”

“Oh, don’t be so childish!”

“Bill, be honest with me… how bad is it? You think you can fix it? Oh. That simple, then? Huh. I thought we were gonna have to at least buy a new toilet. Definitely a new dildo, though. I’m not touching that one ever again.”

“Huf!”

“Women, am I right? There ain’t a man alive that can read them. Oh, you and your wife actually understand each other AND you can fix toilets? Well, aren’t you just damn right perfect, Bill!”

“Brad!”

“Karen!”

“Um, you guys, here’s your dildo.”

“...”

“...”

“Who will take it? Whose is it?” 

“...”

“It’s his.”

“Oh, that’s real nice Karen, thank you! I think we’ve established it was mine already! Yes! I am a man and this is my dildo! Here, give this thing!”

“I thought you said you aren’t going to touch it ever again?”

“I’m throwing this in the trash, along with all my fantasies!”

“Please forgive him, Bill. He’s not usually like this. I think it must have been because of what I did to him with that thing last night. He… said he wanted to spice things up. What I don’t understand is why he’s making such a big deal out of it now? He seemed to enjoy it last night! Oh, you do? Realy? Is that so… Huh. Wow, you really are perfect, Bill.”

“There, I threw it out. How much do we owe you, Bill? You know what, nevermind, here’s a hundred bucks. You deserve them for what you had to do. Your hand has been to places and touched things no mortal flesh ever should.”

“Brad.”

“The man is a legend. We’ll miss your plumbing services, Bill. But if your son is even half the man his father is, then our toilets are in safe hands.”

“Yes, thank you so much, Bill! Enjoy the rest of the weekend!”

“...”

“...”

“Karen, honey. Tell me what we have learned today.”

“No more dildos for you?”

“We look before we flush.”