Embrace the new me. Please!

“Are you really going to wear that?”

“What?”

“Don’t be dumb; you know what I mean.”

“Yes.”

“So, you’re going to do it even though you know it’s a dumb move.”

“I pretty much think so, yes!”

“Are you sure, ‘cos you won’t be able to take it back!”

“When has that ever stopped me in the past?”

“Unfortunately, Zorro, it’s never stopped you in the past. I was just hoping you would learn from your past mistakes at some point.”

“Sangre De Ventosa, when has a werewolf ever learnt anything from the past? I shall proudly continue my life's adventure the way my forefathers would have.”

“What, in a blind rush, without any thought and then howl about the outcome?”

“I would pause and take a moment to think about what you’ve just said and possibly be offended by your tone, but fortunately, I’m not because I’m in a bit of a rush, and I'm too happy for you to be able to bring me down!"

“Zorry, you have to deal with your issues. There's no point in trying to avoid them, gloss over them, or even cover them up. You’re not helping yourself!”

“Oh really! That’s rich coming from you.”

“I don’t know what you mean?”

“Now, who’s playing dumb!”

“I don’t know what you mean, Zorro. I am perfectly happy. I am very busy. And unlike you, I can walk outside our home without having a major catastrophic episode. So please, you are in no position to judge me.”

“Oh really, well, silly me! I should have realised that a vegan vampire is a totally normal thing. I won't even mention your reaction to blood in case you freak out, and I have to haul you up to the hospital again. How many times is it now that have I had to do that? How many times has Mother Heggerty had to give you an intravenous injection so you don't turn to ash through lack of… oh my gosh, I’m going to say the B word… brace yourself… BLOOOOOOOD!”

“You're supposed to be my friend Zorro.”

“I am; that’s why I’m letting you watch me create the new me!”

“Well, I’m sorry if I inconvenience you. But I think my desire to avoid taking life and its consequences on my health is a far more normal reaction than the recent minor issue you were subjected to and its consequences. Act now, Zorry, before your fears dominate your life and you become the laughingstock of Bone Valley!”

“Recent minor issue!”

“Yes, it was recent, and in the big scheme of things, it was …minorish.”

“Minorish!”

“I know it deeply affected you, but you didn’t die, you weren’t hurt, you weren’t burnt, you weren’t eaten. You barely a minute of high stress, that’s all.”

“High stress!

“Yes.”

“HIGH STRESS!”

“Zorry, please… don't shout at me.”

“Sangre, I was cornered by a bloody big.. nay… huge dragon. The Golden Dragon, nonetheless.”

“I know, I am sorry, I know…”

“My life flashed before my eyes Sangre. Flashed! There I was, my back against the crumbling wall of my own home. The Gold Dragon standing above me. Eyeballing me. Turning her head left and then right. Me watching my reflection in her horrible golden eyes. Left then right. The terror I saw on my face when she took a deep breath, ready to BBQ me to a charcoal briquette, will stay with me for the rest of my life. And you know Sangre... You know, I never ever want to see that look on my face again.”

“But you’re here with me now. You’re safe. You must keep telling yourself that! You’re safe, and you’ll get better! You’ll be able to go outside again, run and be free, roll on the grass, dig in the dirt, and howl at the moon.”

“That’s just stereotyping! I’m not an animal, you know!”

“What the grass, dirt or howling thing, cos I've seen you do all three.”

“No, the running thing. I hate exercise; it makes you all sweaty and stinky.”

"Fair enough."

"Running, jogging, sprinting, even chasing a ball... Yuck!"

“Zorry, stop it. You’re just trying to derail what I’m trying to say to you. And plus. If you didn’t smell a bit… you know…”

“What do you mean smell… a bit… you know…”

“Well, it’s a werewolf thing, isn’t it? You should be pleased. Your... original... bouquet de'woof woof, saved you from the dragon.”

“My aftershave triggered her allergic reaction and made that dragon sneeze so hard she internally combusted, not me.”

“Fair enough.”

“It’s cheap stuff from down the market.”

“Fair enough!”

“It was given to me as a present; I’d never buy something like that.”

“I’m sorry; I just want you to be able to come outside with me. Go and have drinks like we used to do.”

“Well, we will be once I get the right look.”

“You said that about your punk look, which by the way, didn’t work."

"Here we go... Zorro, remember this, remember that!"

"My voice isn't that high, nor is it that whiney, but as we're speaking of your past history. ...Remember, as a punk, how you didn’t want to get yourself pierced, so you just stuck those safety pins on with some sticky tape? Remember how you stepped outside, looked at everyone in the café, then, this is my favourite part, you freaked out, took off all your clothes, and stood there with just the safety pins sticky-taped to your nipples. Everyone was quite surprised when you started screaming that you couldn’t breathe! But please, don’t forget how there was a tour bus with a group of elderly nuns pulling up to the café. Remember how they took pictures of you? Because if you don’t remember, I have copies, and I’m happy to take them off my wall and show you.”

“I remember. But honestly, Sangre, it was a once-off. I was just too ambitious.”

“Remember when you did the ‘hunka, hunka man’?”

“Oh, my good golly... Yes, Sangre, I remember; no need to remind me.”

“Remember how you slicked back your hair with bacon grease, drew on sideburns, coloured your shoes in blue and squeezed into those three sizes too small pants, which made your voice go up two octaves.”

“Your point.”

Well, I’ve just noticed that since 'punk man' and, in particular, 'hunka hunka man', the café crowd, including the nuns, seem to be getting bigger.”

“Your point?”

“Well, Zorry, I guess you keep entertaining and shocking them all, and I wish you wouldn't. I don't want people to laugh at you.”

“Oh, they just keep coming back because they were in awe of how good my ‘punk man’ costume was. And, you have to admit, 'hunka hunka man' made me look good! Sexy! I was a sexy man magnet. A sexy, sexy, electric man magnet. Those nuns just wanted to run their hands all over my magnetic body and say, 'Zorry, you are a sexy, sexy man beast!”

“No… no, I don’t think so.”

“Sangre, please! My innate magnetic sexiness oozed out with 'hunka hunka man'; it's obviously the reason for the growing crowd. They know sexy when they see it.”

"No."

"Yes!"

"I think Zorro, in relation to the 'hunka hunka man' incident and your increasing popularity, it's not your 'innate sexiness' but more how you howled, ripped off your clothes, yet again, threw them to the ground and screamed 'I aint nothing but a hound dog' at the poor café brigade. And then, once you took a breath and everyone had copped a fair look... I think it's how you, in all your naked glory, swung your arm around and around in a circle like a mini windmill, contorted yourself into a tippy-toed, one arm on your hip, the other pointing to the sky with your legs spread wide position where you then crooned, ‘Thank you very much!’ that caught their attention. I think this, Zorro, in all honesty, this is the reason why an increasing number of snap-happy nuns and coffee-loving pervs are now making their way every Saturday to the out-of-the-way cafe that we live above.”

“I don’t remember doing any of that!”

“No, because you high-tailed it inside and missed all the conversations where everyone discussed ‘hunka hunka man’ in comparison to your naked ballet routine, your naked ball juggling clown routine, your naked strong man see how big and hard my hammer is routine and let’s not forget my favourite, your naked but rather tame French poodle routine.”

“Why do you always have to put me down, Sangre? Why can't you ever get behind me?”

“I was behind you, Zorry when you tried to be an acrobat, and I swore never again to be in that position.” 

“Well, this time, it’s going to work. I can just feel it. This time I’ll be the one laughing, and everyone else will have to say I was right, and you were all wrong.”

“What makes you think you’ll not be laughed at this time?

“Because Sangre, this costume makes me feel safe. It’s like wearing a great big soft and fluffy cuddle. It will be the secrete to my new life! I'll be able to get over my fear of being BBQ'ed.”

“Are you naked?”

“Yes.”

“Completely?

“Completely!”

“What, all of you?”

“Yep, right from the top of me to the bottom.”

“Zorro!”

“Yes, Sangre?”

“How do you expect society to take you seriously, a six foot seven, hairy, taloned werewolf dressed in a fluffy unicorn onesie?”

“Neigh!”

“Oh, my good goddess…”

“Rub my horn. Go on, rub it. You know you want to!”

“Come on, Zorry, the tour bus has arrived.”