Technology Sucks

It started a few weeks ago, and honestly, I thought I was going crazy. Maybe I am, this whole thing is just so twisted and insane, and there It is just staring at me. I hear It at night, moving around in the dark corners of my house, I’m just glad It hasn’t figured out how to get up the stairs yet or things could be a lot worse. The paint is starting to peel and blister off Its surface, and I’m scared to look away in case It moves, or turns on, or if It just disappears entirely. My Henry Hoover is trying to kill me. Look, I know it sounds stupid and kind of like an insignificant issue- but think of the implications… Promise me you’ll think of the implications.

I’ve locked myself in the bathroom, I can still hear It knocking against the kitchen door. A whole corridor and two locked doors between us and yet why do I feel so terrified, like if open this one it’ll just be waiting for me, nozzle at the ready.

Two hours ago, I heard this agonising crash coming from the lounge, followed by a series of even louder crashes and then the infernal vrummmmmm of It powering up. I had no idea what to do, but I hadn’t seen my cat Merlin in about half a day and I feared the worst. I put on this really thick ski jacket that I remembered was still sitting in my wardrobe, and the goggles of course, the plan wasn’t to go in looking pretty- I was preparing for war. After a few deep breaths I ran down the stairs as fast as I could and didn’t look back, a true hero- except I forgot about the Lego. My corridor has- or should I say had- two shelves on either side, and on each one is- or were- a series of Lego monuments. Hogwarts, The Death Star, an Igloo from Club Penguin, all gone. I’m not sure how It managed to pull it off, but I came downstairs and there was just absolute carnage, Lego everywhere, so many hours of work just gone, and It was sat in the middle of it all grinning at me. I barely had enough time to take it all in- still standing halfway down the stairs- before It let rip, It reverse-vacuumed me. Little Lego bullets ripped into my coat, one hit the back of my hand and grazed my knuckle, I started retreating and realised I only had my socks on then immediately stood on part of the Igloo, pain so much pain. It took a hold of me and before I managed to reach out for the banister, I felt myself fall backwards down the stairs, one hand on my injured foot and the other still flailing in the air for something to hold onto. I was lucky, the coat stand managed to break my fall but I had just enough sense to stay down and pretend that It had taken me out. I watched It with one eye, goggles half steamed up and after watching me for a while It turned away from me to start reloading, I took my chance and quickly mapped out a route that would have me landing in all of the empty spaces- no more Lego piercing into my poor feet. I can’t even remember getting up, or making my way across the room, but I do remember jumping up behind It, hugging It close so the nozzle couldn’t reach out and grab me, then dumping It in the kitchen before turning back and locking the door behind me. All of this couldn’t have taken more than 15 seconds, but in my mind, it played out like one of those epic slow-motion montages you see in war films. I am the modern-day Joan of Arc. That is why I am currently holed up in the bathroom, massaging my left foot and waiting for my best friend Tilly to show up.

“Holy sh- what the heck happened; it looks worse than that time we decided to have an indoor snowball fight.” I have never been happier to hear another voice in my life. I get up from my weird perch on the edge of my bathtub and crack open the door, trying as hard as I can to smile without breaking down,

“I’m in here, and at least the snowball fight aftermath had a logical explanation.” Tilly just raises her eyebrows and hands me a bottle of Pink Gin, I don’t even need to say anything before,

“Yes, I put in a bunch of lemonade because you can’t handle it straight, now put these on and talk to me.” She hands me my trainers and then saunters over to the toilet, sitting on it as if it were a desk chair in a psychiatrists office and then motioning to the bathtub as if it were a couch. “Maybe relax for a bit and have a drink first, you look like you haven’t slept in days.” I take a long swig and set it down, thankful for the company.

“I thought I was going crazy Tilly, just feeling It staring at me whenever I walked into the room, it started slowly you know, not turning on when I wanted It to and then hearing It start up in the middle of the night. Its face kept changing, one minute smiling, then frowning, sometimes it had no eyebrows or no face at all. Then It started breaking things, picking things up that I needed and then not letting me get them back, or dumping everything all at once, even chasing Merlin around like It was going to hurt him. Then today It attacked me,” I hold out my hands to her and show her the bruises, and around my ankles where my jeans don’t reach far enough to protect me, “I don’t know how but It just destroyed all of the models we built and started spitting Lego back out at me, I know I sound absolutely bonkers, but I need to get rid of It, I want It out, It’s slowly killing me.” I take another long swig of the Gin, noticing my hand is shaking as I set it back down again, balling it into a fist to keep it steady, then I look up at Tilly who is staring at me intently with a puzzled look on her face,

“What did?” I furrow my brow, confused,

“Huh?” She taps her long pink fingernails against the shower curtain,

“You kept saying ‘It’ but not what it is, what’s doing all of this to you”

“Henry is. The Hoover.” She lets her mouth slowly fall open, then smiles, then sees me not smiling and it twists into a frown,

“So, uh, your Hoover is hyper intelligent and trying to kill you? Well then let’s just chuck it out.” Now it’s my turn to let my mouth fall open,

“We could never get near It Tilly, It’s dangerous, what happened earlier- It could have been a lot worse.”

“Well, you can’t hide in here forever, especially now you’ve almost ran out of gin, and honestly the whole Hoover thing sounds absolutely crazy, but if it means you’ll stop hiding in your room, or your bathroom, or your house and actually come outside and see your friends for once,” She looks at me pointedly, “Then I’ll get rid of It myself, heck my Mum could do with a new Hoover, she can take it, I’m not afraid of some out date… thing.” And then she stands up, heading off to the kitchen, I take the now empty bottle of gin with me for protection and hold it up like a weapon, standing behind her and gingerly looking over her shoulder. She opens the door and there It is, tucked away neatly in the corner as if It hadn’t just been pelting me with Lego pellets trying to batter the door down just a few hours ago. I almost believe that I had been imagining it until Tilly turns to look at me and It’s face turns into a snarl, “What did I tell you huh? Just a normal Hoover, but to set your mind at rest.” Then she picks It up, just like that, I back away from her as she comes near the door, not wanting that thing near me. She puts It in the boot of her car and gives me a smug look, “I honestly don’t know what’s up with you, but sort it out, if I come back next week for an evil toaster, I will seriously start to question your sanity.” Just like that. I nod at her, let her take the empty Gin bottle and watch her drive off.

After a few seconds of standing there absolutely dumbfounded, I go back inside and start to pick up the Lego, one piece at a time, then my Phone turns on and I hear the voice of Sivi, my online assistant. “Wasn’t that a fun adventure, let’s see what we can play with next.” I hear my electric whisk turn on, then the sound of the toaster pinging, my Bluetooth doorbell, the Microwave starts spinning and I just about catch the maniacal robotic laugh from my phone before I pass out.