Don't Let Go

I woke up gasping in my bed. My body was drenched in sweat and dried tears caked my face. I dreamt about him again, his death. It has been 4 years, but every year on the very same day, I still wake up crying from the same dream. The moment that his heart stopped beating kept on repeating itself in my brain, still fresh as if it had happened yesterday. The knife. The blood. My scream. My fault. The whole dream seemed so real that I couldn’t shake myself out of it. Fresh tears spilt out, mixing with the dried ones that were already on my face. Today was his birthday. The day he would be 22. I know it’s stupid, but I still get him birthday gifts every year and would bring it with me when I go to visit him in the graveyard later that day. This year I got him a watch, however, it was not an ordinary watch, I had it custom made so that the background of the watch is a picture of the both of us.

I climbed on my bike, making sure that the watch is sitting snugly in my pocket before setting off for my journey to the graveyard. I still remembered how we used to ride around the neighbourhood on our bike together. To school. To the library. To the park. Everywhere. He was even the one who taught me to ride a two-wheeled bike. I would never forget the proud look he had on his face that day.

“Can you teach me to bike?” I looked up at him with wide eyes, I had just received a new bike for my birthday and I couldn’t wait to ride it. “Sure,” he smiled at me, “come on and remember your helmet.”

“That’s great, keep paddling,” he reminded me as he held onto the back of my bike, just as he had been doing for the past hour. “Can I let go now?” he asked me.

“No!” I shook my head vigorously at him, “don’t let go.”

“Alright, alright,” he assured me, “I won’t let go.” Then, together, we started riding another round the backyard again. What I didn’t know at that time was that he had already let go of my bike and I had actually been balancing on the bike all by myself. I only found out when I reached the end of the backyard and turned around to look at him, only to find that he was still at the other end of the backyard, smiling at me with a proud look. “I did it! I did it!” I yelled as I jumped around and ran to hug him. “Wait,” I pulled away from the hug and turned to him, feeling a bit angry that he had broken his promise, “why did you let go when you promised me not to.” However, all my anger vanished when I heard his reply.

“Because I knew you could do it and I believed in you.”

I was shaken out of my thoughts when I reached Donut Cafe. Donut Cafe is a small cafe in the neighbourhood located at the foot of a hill and its doughnuts are the best I have ever tasted. I parked my bike outside and went in for breakfast. A familiar smell of fresh doughnuts hit me and I pushed open its glass door. “Hey Mia, what do you want for breakfast? The usual?” Ben, the owner of the shop, asked. “Yes please,” I told him, “Thanks, Ben.”

“No problem, it will be ready in 3 minutes.”

I took my doughnut and sat down at a table in the corner, facing a window. We used to sit at this table too. I still remember how we used to come here for tea every day after school. I would get the chocolate one with sprinkles and he would have the plain chocolate one. After our tea, we would play and fool around at the top of the hill before we have to get home for dinner. It has always been my favourite part of the day.

“Race ya to the top!” his eleven-year-old self shouted at me. Without waiting for me, he sprinted out of the shop. “Wait for me!” I called as I took off after him as fast as my 8 years old legs would allow. “I win,” he grinned at me from the top. “That’s not fair, you started first,” I replied, “and you have longer legs.” I punched him lightly on the arm and he flailed around pretending that it hurt. “Ow! What was that for?”

“For cheating,” I smirked at him.

“Oh yeah?” He asked with a mischievous glint in his eyes. I started running away from him, knowing that he was going to get revenge on me. However, before I could go far, I felt a pair of arms around me lifting me off the ground.

“Put me down! Put me down!” I yelled at him, squirming and laughing in his grip.

“You are gonna regret punching me,” he laughed and laid me on the grass. He loomed over me and started tickling me.

“Admit that I win,” he said to me while continuing to tickle me.

“haha… never…haha,” I was laughing so hard that tears were coming out of my eyes.

“Come on, say it or I will never stop,” he laughed at me.

“Alright…haha…you…win,” I gave in. He let me go with a smirk on his face and I sat up gasping for breath. He plopped down on the grass next to me and leant back on his hand. We sat in comfortable silence as we marvelled at the setting sun.

Just thinking about him brought tears to the corner of my eyes, I blinked away my tears and quickly finished my breakfast. I went outside and got onto my bike. I turned around to look at the hill one more time before setting off.

Even though it’s almost midday and the sun shining brightly down on the graveyard, the air there is cold and chilling, making me shiver slightly. I wrapped my arms tightly around myself and pushed open the gates to the graveyard. I went to his grave and sat down before it. “Happy 22nd birthday,” I said to him as I took out the watch, “Guess what I bought you.”

“It’s a watch, with a picture of the both of us,” I told him sadly, “nice, right?”

“I miss you,” I said to him, by now tears were streaming down my face.

“I have missed you too.” A familiar voice said behind me. I turned around abruptly to see him standing there, smiling at me. He looked the same as he did 4 years ago, his neat raven black hair cropped on both sides above his ears with his square frame glasses sitting on the crook of his nose, only a bit older and more mature. He was wearing a black t-shirt with a leather jacket on top, his hand tucked inside its pocket. His body also looked more ripped than before, like he has been working out a lot.

“Jason?” I stared at him, eyes wide, couldn’t believe that he was there.

“In the flesh,” he said with a smirk, he pulled his hands out and opened them wide. I flung myself into them and buried my head in his chest, taking in his scent and crushing him with my arms. “Jase,” my voice muffled by his shirt.

“Hey, little sis.” He wrapped his arms around me.

“Are you real?” I asked, worried that he would disappear again.

“Very.”

“Where have you been?” I pulled away from his chest and looked at his mesmerising green eyes, the same one I saw every time I looked into a mirror, “How are you not dead?”

“It’s quite a long story, so maybe we should sit down.” He sat down on the ground and leant back on his hand, while I sat on his lap and leant against his chest. Just like we used to do when we were younger.

“So where do you want me to start?”

“Anywhere.”

“Alright, so do you remember my dream job from when we were small?”

“Yeah, of course, you used to say it ten times a day,” I teased him.

“Well let just say, my dream came true.”

“Really? A secret agent?”

“Yep. A secret organisation approached me a few weeks before my ‘death’, offering me a position within their rank. At first, I didn’t accept, because they said that I have to cut off all the ties with everyone, including you, so naturally, I declined. However it seems like they really want to recruit me or maybe I am just too amazing to be bypassed, so they came back.” He said with a chuckle.

“Oh shut up,” I laughed and hit him lightly on his shoulder.

“Aright back to the story. So they came back next week with some slightly different terms. They said that for the first 2 years when I would be doing the training and the next 2 years when I would be doing the top-secret mission they specifically recruit me for, I would not be able to contact anyone. However, after these 4 years, I could see you again. I wanted to refuse right away because 4 years is so long, but they asked me to think about it for a week first and that doing it would save a lot of people, including…”

“Me,” I cut him off, knowing that the only reason he would do it was because of me.

“Exactly. That’s why I agreed to it.” He confirmed.

“So, your ‘death’ was planned as well, I guess. You pushing me out of the way, getting impaled by a knife and ‘died’.”

“Well not completely, my death was planned but it wasn’t supposed to happen like that, it should have been a car crash which was supposed to happen one week later. Unfortunately, those robbers interfere with the plan that night when they tried to kill you but hit me instead. The secret organisation had no choice but to carry out the plan early. Me dying and stuff like that.” Jase concluded his story.

“So it was really my fault that you were hit then?” I turned and hid my face in his shoulder, couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes.

“Hey, look at me,” he put his hand under my chin and turned my face so that I am facing him, “It’s not your fault, okay? I chose to jump in front of you, I chose to protect you. So it’s not your fault, it’s mine. Also, I am here now, ain’t I? That’s all it matters right?”

I nod and leant against his body, tears still streaming down my face. “Everything’s fine,” he whispered in my ears over and over again as he stroked my hair soothingly. “Are you angry that I left you?” He asked me after a while.

“Not really, because I understand why you did it, I would have done the same for you. Also, you seem happy with your job, as long as you’re happy, I am happy.”

“Thanks, I can be more at peace now that I know you are fine with it. I thought you would be angry at me for leaving you.”

“Never. I never blamed you for leaving. So I can see you more often now right?”

“Yeah, as long as I am not on a mission.”

“That’s great.”

“Yeah, I have missed spending time with you.”

“Me too,” I grinned at him, “so, do you know all the country’s top secrets now?”

“Maybe,” he teased me, “but I am not allowed to tell you.”

“Aw come on” I swatted him on the arm, “tell me.”

“Nope,” he laughed at me, “but I heard that someone has a birthday present for me.”

“Yup,” I said, popping the ‘p’, “I do, but before I give it to you, you have to promise not to let go of me like that again. Or else, I will come and find you and kill you myself.”

“Alright, I promise, I would never let you go again” he chuckled, “but you love me too much to kill me.”

“True, but that doesn’t mean I won’t try,” I took out the box with the watch inside and gave it to him, “here you go, happy birthday Jase.”

“Wow,” he said as he admired the watch, “where did you get that picture?”

“From an old photo book.”

“I loved the photo.”

“Do you remember where we took it?”

“Of course, are you kidding me? I was 13 and you were 10, it was your birthday, so we went to the park with mom. You were playing on the swing.”

“And I asked you to push me.”

“But I said no.” He laughed a bit as he recalled the memories.

“Then I beg you to push me again and again.”

“You were so annoying that I gave in in the end,” He smirked at me.

“No, I wasn’t annoying,” I pretended to scowl at him, “you just love me too much.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t annoying,” He laughed.

“HEY!” I stuck my tongue out at him.

Just like that, the sibling rivalry came back, like we haven’t been apart for 4 years.