Seatbelts Fastened

Like the fading colours of the sky, so am I, a sculpture held still beneath the grains of sand. 

Like the rapid moving pillow lip of my math teacher, so am I, troubled in my own mind while the teacher would ravel my every misery.

Like the rainbow drops of rain, so am I, misconceived as rain are really the tears of the sky. 

But who's to look inside?

Is that what’s called life? 

It might turn out to be a cherry to some’s perfect cake. 

But for me, it’s a curse. 

In your language, a Cruciatus Curse.

Confirming the satisfaction of the freedom, I set my both feet off ground, unknowingly breaking the chains of the suppressed voices. 

 It's yet to come.

 The warmth in my veins drained out, giving its space to the tingles of insecurity. Each bone and muscle of my body whacked and washed out in a dark corner of my soul. Still in my bloody soul. I lurched forward as the driver’s foot met the brake, almost hitting my head with the thin crisp glass. Still, the clutching nails embedded in the tuft of the front seat, the heated balls in my socket started to search the whole area as I landed my eyes on one seat. Guilty shudders of fear crawled up and choked my heart. Was this my bad luck or my good luck's betrayal? 

The quest was not over yet. The last battle was yet to be conquered. I tried my best to look invisible, to look compact, to slip out of the devil’s attention. At last, my wobbly knees met the hardwood of my seat. The clench loosened. Almost complete. Almost. When suddenly, out of the crumbled noises, someone yelled my name. offering free tickets for everyone to stare at me with cruel grins sharpening the smiles. 

Damn it.

 I cursed my rotten luck and looked up, ready to sacrifice myself as a hostile civilian. 

“W-what d-do you want? L-leave m-me alone!” I managed to mumble afraid it might not even clang to their buds. One of them, graced with a red hoodie, cocked an eyebrow at me. No, maybe she heard. 

“What did you say little punk? Let us give you a demo of what we can do..”

A muscled arm slithered down my shoulder while the freckled constellations on my face began to burn. The red hoodie girl cupped her finger around my mouth, pressing my cheeks inside, almost making them collide with each other and my mouth moulded in an open pout. 

“Make him sit. Kim, bring on the fun.” Her harsh voice reflected through my cold beads of sweat and she turned to me, our noses on the verge of rubbing each other. “Kid, you won’t mind me giving you a pretty haircut. Would you?” she said, hovering a sharp scissor over my head. I tried to yell but only whimpered noises came out of my carpeted mouth. With my round puffy eyes overflowing with fear more than tears, I stared at the grinning barbers as they did my makeover.

My whole way to my house, I had my hands arched over my head with my swollen teary eyes making up the score. Those insensitive bastards...who do they think they are? My head had been almost shaved clean in the front, with a few strong hairs still dancing on the scalp. I don’t even know how I would be able to go to school tomorrow. 

“Life Sucks” I mumbled repeatedly as I lumbered by. I might’ve looked worst than a man with crutches, thanks to that Kim, who had her knee choking up my thigh. A lump of agony started to form in each of my lymph. All I wanted to do was punch the hell out of each one of them, but I knew the lies in my thoughts. The impossibilities. Every time I’d go in front of them, I can’t help but stutter and squeak like a drenched cat. 

As my freezing fingers met the doorbell, my sockets had already sucked up the salty waters leaving a few traces of glitter. A fragile woman opened the door, her brown skin so thin and papery, I sometimes feared that a little scratch would cost litres of blood to perish. 

“Lele?” A high pitched yet soothing voice rose from her throat, as she saw my new avatar. 

“Don’t say” I snapped before she could say another word, rushing the way to my room. 

I placed my school bag on the side table, making my place on a white wheeled chair. As I rested my face between the crook of both my palms, an unpleasant taste filled my mouth. Without my notice, the heavy tanks had leaked and now the rivers were streaming down my face. I wondered if granny saw that. After a few moments of wiping my tears off and temporarily fixing the broken parts, I placed my hand firmly on the chocolate draping table. With a sudden jerk, my white chair started to spin. A few notable seconds and the surrounding started to blur. My eyes rolled inside my skull, advancing to the deeply embedded truths. 

24 December 2018, just the day before Christmas. Martha and I were only eleven years old, staring inside the gift shops with sheepish smiles playing on our lips. The threads of memories still tangled around my fingers, how Martha would never let go of my hand, no matter how sweaty it got, considering the few months gap between us. She used to go on and on with stories about the books she just read or the ones that were queued up, waiting to get an entry ticket to her bookshelf. Unlike me, she was a total book nerd and would go blabbing on till eternity until and unless dad intervened.

Dad, he was my hero. I still remember, when I was just a kid, I found myself crawling in a puddle of mud, crying my heart out. I cried and cried expecting dad to come, but he just stood there, watching me admiringly while cherishing a piece of cake! Breaking the bounds of my anger, I finally got out myself and snatched the last bits of cake from his hand, thus learning my first and most important lesson. 

It was a cold December evening, with scrapes of snow dripping down the frozen sky. I and mom were standing outside a bicycle shop waiting for dad and Martha, who had gone to buy us some ice creams. My hands were wrapped tightly around my mom’s arm, rubbing against the warmth of her skin. A shudder of excitement ran down my spine as I saw Martha and Dad coming towards us with a plastic bag full of delicacies. I drew my hand from mom’s firm grip and started clapping, getting a huge wave in return from Martha. As they made their way forward, a speeding car forged ahead towards them. The next moment I knew, two bleeding carcasses were lying in front of me, faces so wrecked, I barely recognized them. The excited smirk of mine had then been overshadowed by a horrified expression. It all happened in a fraction of seconds. That perfect family of mine that I always bragged about, was now just shattered into bits of pieces that I would never be able to fix together. 

My hand kept pushing the white table once in a while, trying to maintain the continuity of the motion. All of a sudden, I placed my feet back on the ground stopping the stirring abruptly and I laid still, staring listlessly at the plain ceiling. My eyes drifted to the slightly noisy toing and froing of the fan, trying to analyse the motion and tracking the velocity of its wings.

Those few instances were good enough to snatch the confidence out of me. I started to spend most of my time alone at home, while my mother peeled her skin out in the office. The next few months took shape of the heavy dark clouds that kept lightning with the helpless sun rays struggling behind them. The knots between me and my friends loosened. Oftentimes, unaware people would ask me questions about my family, pushing me to the well of endless pain of the past. My fragile heart had been shattered so many times, it had learnt to thicken its walls now. Some even tried to trace me down, offering petals of love, but in the end, all gave up except one. 

Cathy. We were together from the day we were born. We had spent endless sleepovers, having cheesy talks about forbidden topics and toppling down bottles of soda. No one knew me better than her. After getting the news of my late father and sister, she called me endless times. I declined them all. Still, she never gave up.  

07 March 2019, The blueberry ice tea was freezing in my left hand, as I felt the droplets slip by. I double-checked the surroundings and carefully walked forward, tracing my steps on the zebra linings. 

All clear 

Just before I could place my foot on the levelled footpath, I heard someone shout my name but I didn’t dare to look back. Finally, entering the safe zone, I turned around to see a young teen in a black jumpsuit, running towards me. For a moment, I felt the air around me lighten and the running thoughts seemed to halt. I motioned my hand in a big wave, opening the doors for a wide grin on Cathy’s face. Soon, my eyes drifted from her to a confronting truck. My heartbeats popped out of my chest and swirled around my ears. I yelled ‘CATHY!’ but the screams bounced off uselessly as my suffering eyes saw her body being crushed under the tire. Dark stains of blood covered the road, stains I knew would never fade. 

Streams of tears rolled down my face. I ran towards Cathy, ignoring my self-made ground rules, and picked her lifeless face in both of my hands. A loud yell left my mouth as I sobbed in frustration filled with grief.  

What was it with me and accidents? 

 The passage of a few moments had caught me insane. Unconsciously, I stood up from my chair and opened my mirror coated cupboard. Feeling the thickness of the thing I craved, I moved forward. 

Standing on a blue stool, that I had plucked on my way, I tied the thick threads of rope around the fan. My fingers rolled over and made the perfect knot, moulding the rope into a circle, fine enough to pass my head through. I had no idea what I was doing. I just knelt to an unknown powerful force who kept assuring me the pros, filling my mind with hard stones of the struggles I’ve been through. The dark sleepless nights I have spent, crying in a corner. The worth I’ve got in this never-ending human race.

 A part of my heart questioned ‘IS IT REALLY WORTH YOUR LIFE?’ 

Without giving it a second thought, I penetrated my head into the hole and pushed the blue stool with the tip of my toes. 

In a matter of few seconds, I started to feel the pressure on my throat. It was getting hard to breathe. Each and every muscle of my body withered and begged to come out loose. My heart started to feel heavy and a painful sensation ran through my brain. 

Last moments of pain. I assured myself. 

Just before the last plunge, a strong pair of arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me away. I felt my eyes go blurry for a couple of seconds, but later reviving the lost colours of the world. The colours I was going to lose forever. Still choking and panting, I looked at the person to whom the arms belonged. Her eyes were filled with aching tears, while a scared yet relieved reaction masked her face. She pulled me into a hug and we both broke into loud sobs. 

“I am so sorry, mom.” I sniffled near her ear and her grip around me tightened. 

“Never. Do. That. Again. I don’t want to lose you too Lele. Without you, I-I..” Her voice faded as she pressed a few kisses on my forehead and cheeks. 

“I won’t” I promised and we both hugged each other tightly which seemed like hours. 

“Listen, Lele,” Mom said as she softly patted my hair.

“Hm?” I said, my eyes looking up. 

“Having such thoughts during this age is completely normal, I understand that. But you must know, suicide is not the option. It’s just a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Did you ever think how many people you’ll hurt? Your family, Your friends-”

“Don’t talk about friends. I don’t have friends. All the people in this whole world are just selfish souls. Nothing else. I will never have a friend.” I interrupted my voice now filled with sparks of fury.

She smiled at me warmly, continuing the soft caress. 

“Not all people are evil, child. One should know who to trust and whom not to. And about having a friend, do you know why is it so? It’s because time has got bigger plans for you. I promise, that someday you’ll get the best friend in the whole world, and she won’t be like anyone else. 

Just remember what I said, Giving up and making so huge choices in a matter of minutes is not the solution. You got a whole life in front of you. It’s just a roller coaster, crests and troughs would always be there so keep your seatbelts fastened my dear Lele, there is more than what you expect.” 

And these few words, they found a new home in my heart, carved to my deepest reach.