79 comments

General

"Come with us", two burly men in grey suits say, grabbing you painfully by the arm and handcuffing you. "You know what you did." But you have no idea. "What did I do?" you ask the men, the question only to be followed by silence. Finally, the one with the swollen black eye answers "You know." Then he motioned in the direction of the Apple pie you had just made. "It is illegal to own, sell, or use sugar outside of the white house." It was true, you thought. You had forgotten the sudden shortage of sugar. "Oh, no" you thought and quickly and silently said a prayer.

"How could this have happened?" You knew good and well that ever since the spring of 2688 their had been a major food shortage. Their had not been enough rain that year and by spring everyone was half starved. "How could I forget?" you asked yourself. It was thanksgiving day and you were making an Apple pie to share with your family. Last night, you had dreamed about a time, 20 years ago when you were allowed to by sugar and corn. you were just 7 years old and you and Mamma were making Apple pie.

Just then the fatter of the two shoved you through the door and outside your itty-bitty apartment. They tried to whisper, but you could still hear "Wonder what the president will do with this one." "I don't know but he will surely punish her severely. ." "Oh he dose not like it when people steal his sugar" That scared you half to death. You had heard about a time when the president was not the only form of government in the country. Not at all like now. Each president had an 15 year shift and was completely in charge. And they got sugar. Sugar was not the only food they got. They got corn, peas tomatoes and figs too. The shortage of water effected those things to.

First, you were stuffed in a police car you stared out the window and watched the scenery. Trees, Trees, Trees. People, dogs, grass. Boring! Suddenly you pulled up at an airport. Finally, You saw something that interested you an pretzel cart! "Can I have a pretzel?" You ask. You don't even like pretzels, not without sugar anyway, but you were starving after 3 1/2 hours of riding in the car as if on cue your stomach grumbled. "Fine" the police with the black eye said reluctantly. The other police looked disapprovingly but did not stop me when I walked over to the pretzel stand. I quickly walked and ordered a pretzel. You paid for my pretzel and took a big bite. As I was devouring the pretzel you realized it was made with sugar. I quickly winked at the lady that was running the stand and she winked back. I boarded the plane.

Half an hour after the plane lifted, you was sick to my stomach. And another half hour after that and you was positively green. While the police were up in first class dining with fine china, you was stuck in third class eating chicken nuggets. That was fine, at least it was food! After that, you quickly fell asleep even though the chairs were quite uncomfortable. Plastic seats who does that? You couldn't sleep long because you was between one 4yr old trying to learn to read and one teenager listening to music ugh. Just as You thought things could not get any worse the plane landed.

Once at the white house you entered through a set of large doors and looked the short, skinny guard in the eye and whispered "help." The guard looked at you with a face full of pity and said "I can't" You sigh. Out loud. All the people in the room stare at you like you have three heads. You don't care. "Lets get this over with" you say just as loud. Soon the doors burst open and the president himself entered the room. "You!" he called, pointing to me. "You are trying to ruin me!" he cried. "Why would I try to do that? you asked honestly. "You want my sugar!" "Well guess what you can't have it." "What you can have is coronavirus send her in" he shouted. "NO" I screamed. Not the room the corona room! The corona room is a room full of coronavirus germs. There is no cure.

"Anything but that" You yell but it does not matter. "Now you need to see about this Apple pie, "he says as he gets a delighted look on his face. Two guards with long masks and virus shielding clothes grab my arms and pull you. They pull me right to the exit doors. "Run" says a voice you recognize. Then you realize it is the short guard who said he could not help you. "Thanks," You say then you take off. you run and run and run. you see snobby ladies walking their snobby poodles. Soon you think you must be a good eight miles away. You walk into a Walmart and purchase a cold water. As you must look like a disaster the clerk looks on you with pity. The water tastes so good, so,so cold. You tip the Deli clerk $10 and take off for a second time. You reach the president's personal field of sugar cane. No people are here. Well that is what you thought until you heard humming. You looked for what was Causing the noise but could not find it. Then when you was giving up you saw the president slicing the apple pie. Then, before he got to eat it he got a phone call. He walked away speaking into his phone and you took the chance and got the pie. You ran and did not look back. you ran all the way to your house where You sat on the couch with your mother and enjoyed the apple pie.

July 26, 2020 22:27

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79 comments

Zilla Babbitt
00:57 Jul 28, 2020

You asked me to read, so here I am. First of all, very creative! I like how you pull in COVID into the year 2688. And a food shortage, due to the current rising population, does make sense. Apparently, the grammar mistakes have been noted by other commenters. I'll just add that I saw multiple instances of "You was" and even "You was sick to my stomach," indicating that you started this story in first person and switched it to second. Verbs must be changed as well (sometimes) when you change the subject from 'I' to 'you'. On a more im...

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Samantha Davis
16:53 Jul 28, 2020

Thank you, It means so much coming from you.

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Samantha Davis
22:33 Jul 26, 2020

I am open to constructive criticism.

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Conan Helsley
02:40 Jul 28, 2020

This needs a lot of work. You kept going from one point of view to another, using you and me for the same character. It's a cute and funny story that doesn't seem to be too serious. If you fix the POV errors, I think you could have a nice piece.

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Parul Srivastava
11:54 Jul 28, 2020

Very interesting take on the prompt! Grammar can be learnt, your imagination is a gift. Just keep writing! 💚🌼 Do you mind checking out my stories and sharing your thoughts too please 🙂

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Samantha Davis
20:12 Jul 28, 2020

Thank you and I will. Also, the reason I'm using reedsey is to improve my grammer.

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Tvisha Yerra
02:36 Jul 28, 2020

Hi! Just thought I'd give you some feedback, hope I wasn't too harsh! Most of what I found were simple grammar mistakes, I prefer using Grammarly, or just a re-read will do! But these are just the top 5: #1: "Wonder what the president will do with this one." "I don't know but he will surely punish her severely. ." "Oh he dose not like it when people steal his sugar" Two things in this that are incorrect. One, the simple spelling errors such as 'dose' and the punctuation. But the main reason this caught my eye is because you have to...

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I.B. Dunn
19:49 Jul 27, 2020

I struggled to think of a creative way to use that prompt. You may be new but you have talent. I am a new writer as well. I hope you get a chance to read my first story and let me know what you think.

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Samantha Davis
19:54 Jul 27, 2020

Thank you. I'm not an actual writer (yet) but soon. I will check out your story.

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Cypress Grey
00:13 Jul 28, 2020

Nonsense, anyone can be a writer!

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12:50 Jul 30, 2020

This is a very interesting story Samantha! You made the tyranny of the president very believable. Just some grammar mistakes, so I have to suggest Grammarly. It's free and it is really helpful! I really enjoyed reading this and wanted to thank you for following me. Keep on writing!

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Pranathi G
18:05 Jul 29, 2020

Really nice story! I really enjoyed it! Hope you write more!

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Khizra Aslam
14:30 Jul 29, 2020

Hey I saw that you followed me so I am here to read your story. It was an interesting read indeed. You have write it really well. Keep writing and keep sharing ❤

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Roy Phiri
07:45 Jul 29, 2020

It's very creative..... i read it till the end and loved it

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17:20 Jul 28, 2020

I really enjoyed this story. I liked how you made the main character her/him as "You" and not "I" I really thought that was creative. The story also felt like it was incredibly random, which is great of course. I really also liked the ending. Good job! Could you go check out my stories too (if you want to of course) I'd really like to get your opinion as well. Thank you!

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06:04 Jul 28, 2020

It gets sort of confusing here and there ; try to start a new line every time a different character speaks.Also, just check : you started in second person and switched to first person, which makes me unsure of who is narrating. Overall, I love the idea and the story; keep up the good work ✨

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05:12 Jul 28, 2020

Love the story!!

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Pamela Abwao
03:13 Jul 28, 2020

Check to buy sugar correct the *by It is an amazing story Kindly Check I got somehow confused in you and I

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Jamie Limbaga
01:23 Jul 28, 2020

I love how you didn't hold back your imagination at all - your plot was absolutely wild and I loved every bit of it! I'd say though that it could be even better if you spaced things out a bit :) Created more dynamic with your sentence/paragraph length. Also a common tool in every writer's kit is "show don't tell" meaning be more descriptive of what is actually happening vs what the characters are narrating to be happening, or how they're feeling. With your ideas and creativity, I feel like there's no end to the stories you could writ...

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Samantha Davis
16:54 Jul 28, 2020

Thank you!

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Courtney Stuart
23:47 Jul 27, 2020

this was a very imaginative story! you wrote about such an interesting concept, and it fit very well with the prompt i thought (i know i would have struggled with this prompt). i think there were a few spelling and grammar mistakes, but overall, this was a really enjoyable story! pleas keep up the great work! :D

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Samantha Davis
23:51 Jul 27, 2020

Thank you, I have had a lot of people say I've had grammer issues I'll work on that.

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Alexi Delavigne
22:07 Jul 27, 2020

I really liked how imaginative you made the setting, with the president and the coronavirus room. One tip I would offer would be to put spaces in between dialogue. For example if character one says something, start a new paragraph when character two speaks. It makes it easier to follow who is speaking. Hope that makes sense :)

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Samantha Davis
22:10 Jul 27, 2020

It makes sense, thank you and I will edit and do that. :) Your tips are greatly appreciated.

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Samantha Davis
22:11 Jul 27, 2020

Ok, don't know how the big space at the bottom happened.

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Alexi Delavigne
22:18 Jul 27, 2020

That’s okay :) glad it made sense. It’s a really creative story, good work!

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Samantha Davis
22:18 Jul 27, 2020

Thank you so much means a lot.

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Charles Stucker
21:58 Jul 27, 2020

So, she flies to the white house, a trip that takes over an hour by plane, but runs home on foot? Is that part of the parody or just a continuity issue? About halfway through the fourth paragraph you switch from second person (you) to first person (I). Then a couple of paragraphs later, you shift back. Also, you sometimes use present and sometimes use past tense on your verbs. Putting something more than 600 years in the future makes it hard to envision what technology they might use then. Was it another attempt at humor, or is there a...

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Samantha Davis
22:01 Jul 27, 2020

Thank you your tips and complaints are greatly appreciated.

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Daryl Gravesande
21:41 Jul 27, 2020

This is an AMAZING story! Just curious, do you have Insta?

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Samantha Davis
21:53 Jul 27, 2020

No, I do not sorry.

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A. S.
21:12 Jul 27, 2020

Good job on your story! You were very creative with the prompt I and really enjoyed reading. There were a few grammar errors, but besides that you did a good job. Just for next time, try to use a little more imagery, there were times when it was difficult to picture the setting.

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Samantha Davis
21:14 Jul 27, 2020

Thank you for the tips.

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A. S.
21:58 Jul 27, 2020

You’re welcome. Keep writing! Stay safe.

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