I remember walking down a common hiking path up the snowy mountains in Montana at 3:00 in the evening. While hiking in these mountains sometimes it is hard to get a signal; but I was only going to walk this trail for 30 minutes or so and come back to my car. I start stretching by my car for a little while. I reach my hand in my coat pocket, grabbed my phone and checked the time. It was 3:13pm. I noticed a weather advisory on my phone. The weather advisory was about a massive winter blizzard in my area. I looked at the sky and it was clear. And besides it took me 4 hours to get to this snowy hiking trail anyway. I’m not just going to hop in my car and leave.
“When is the news right anyway”, I thought.
I put my phone back in my coat pocket and began my hike. It was many nice views of the snow crested trees and the snowy covered mountains. After a few minutes of being mesmerized by natures beauty; I noticed a small pathway off from the main trail. I examined the trail. To me the pathway seemed like a natural pathway instead of being a manmade pathway such as the main one. I take my phone out of my pocket and start doing a snow day vlog for my Snap Chat story. In the midst of my Snap Chat recording, my phone lost signal. I only knew it would be a matter of time until my phone lost signal.
“21st century”, I thought to myself.
I continued down the pathway and noticed it ended abruptly with a tall forest of snow crested trees on the other side.
“Well, I didn’t drive 4 hours to just see trees and mountains”, I mumbled to myself.
With my phone still in my hand, I went to the camera app and just started recording myself walking past the trees from the ending of the pathway. It seemed as the tree’s stumps got thicker the more, I pressed deeper in the forest. While recording I noticed a pair of foot prints in the snow. I stopped recording and examined the footprints. Upon further inspection I confirmed that those footprints belonged to a human; but they would have had to pass by this way hours ago because the footprints are almost filled with snow. I did not think about it to much. I continued walking and recording in the forest. I stumbled across a small slow-moving stream. Then, I spotted something on the other side of the stream. 3 figures started to emerge from the trees across the other side of the stream. As the 3 figures started to come into view, I noticed that it was 3 deer walking in between the trees of the forest. The 3 deer stopped and look at me as though they were looking past me at something. Then, all of a sudden, the deer take off without warning. I looked at the stream and noticed that the water did not go past my boots. So, I decided to cross the stream. I continued walking in the direction the deer ran off in.
Several minutes of walking, I pause and look at my phone to check the time again. It said 4:17pm.
“Oh man”, I shouted loudly in the seemingly empty forest.
I needed to get back to my car. Then, I noticed there were clouds in the sky. The clouds rolled in fast. I turned around and starting heading in the direction I came from. About 10 minutes went by and then it began snowing. The snow began lightly, but picked up power around 7 minutes in. The sky continued to darken and wind speed increased. I started to panic and picked up the pace.
After 5 minutes of lightly jogging between countless trees, I pause for a moment. I take a deep breathe to calm my nerves. The snow continued to roar down and block my vision.
“I need to find help quickly,” I desperately thought.
I continued walking down past all sorts of trees. After 10 minutes of walking aimlessly through trees; the hard realization hit me.
The snow was relentless. It was hard to keep your head up straight to look forward. In ordering to keep navigating through the forest I had to tilt my head down and look at the ground. I continued my hopeless journey through the snowy forest bumping into many rocks and trees along the way.
“I’m freezing”, I thought while shivering.
After a couple of minutes of walking; I stumbled into something. Something big. I use my hand to start feeling what I bumped into. Until, my hand hits something. I reach into my pocket and take out my phone. I immediately go to the flash light app. I raise up my phone and noticed a door knob. I tightly grasped the door knob and turned.
“Please HELP, I’m lost” I yell. No reply
“HELP, I’m lost please help” I yelled again.
“Lord please let this door be unlocked,” I thought. Unsure if my prayer would be answered.
I mustarded up the courage and tried to twist the door knob. My wrist continued to twist as well. To my surprise the door was unlocked. I pushed open the door to the building. With one foot inside the building; I noticed the inside of this building is completely dark. I use my phones flashlight and enter the building completely.
The door sounds as the wind slams it shut. I start to call out.
“Hello, anyone here”
My flashlight illuminates my surroundings. I look around and notice the building seemed empty. No furniture, No fire place, Nothing.
“This place is too clean,” I thought.
It seemed just like a small cabin in the middle of nowhere. I was still freezing even though I am inside a building. I continued moving my flashlight around to inspect this place thoroughly. Then my flashlight illuminated a window. I looked closer and noticed the window was smashed out, but there was no broken glass around. I continued searching the cabin and calling out to anyone but never got a reply. I noticed 3 doorways down a hall. One door on the left. One on the right. One down the middle. The door in the middle was closed; while the ones on the left and right were open. I use my flashlight and search the left room first. Nothing, it’s all empty in there. I check the room on the right. Same thing. Nothing, all empty. I finally leave this room and stood in front of the closed door in the middle.
I twisted the knob and the door creaked loudly. I flash my light all over the room. Checking my corners immediately when entering the room. While stepping into the room; again, I noticed that it was empty.
“This whole cabin is empty,” I mumbled to myself.
I go to the wall on the right side of the room and sit against the wall.
“I guess I can wait out the storm and go back to my car,” I thought.
I took a look at the clock on my phone and notice it is 5:46pm. I sighed, and tried to make a phone call to my brother Anthony. But I remembered my phone can not connect to any Wi-Fi or get a signal out here. I desperately tried making an emergency call but my phone abruptly turned off.
“Dang it,” I shouted.
“I guess I’ll have to stay the night. This place is enough to keep me out of the elements. I’m pretty sure no one lives here and it looked like an abandoned place to me at least”, I mumbled.
No furniture, fireplace, Wi-Fi or food is here. Maybe it was someone’s home in earlier years, but it looks like they moved a while ago. I feel myself start to get more and more drowsy while sitting in complete darkness.
“Eerily, I am quite relaxed now,” I thought.
While dosing off, I tried to still listen for any noises because it was so dark in this cabin. Even if you put your hand out in front of you; it almost disappears completely. I continued to drift in and out of being awake to sleeping.
My head begins to nod.
Until, SUDDENLY I hear a noise.
I remembered that noise. It is the same noise from when the front door of cabin closed.
Then, it was silent.
So silent I could hear my blood circulating in my body. The silence continued for what seemed like an eternity.
THEN something broke the silence.
A creak in the floor.
Then another creak.
My eyes widened, and my heart is racing. I literally feel like my heart is skipping rope.
Then another creak.
And, then another creak.
Then, I heard someone breathing right outside of the 3 doors I explored earlier.
THEN I hear it.
“I know you’re in HERE”.
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Hi Diontre! Great suspense, but I would recommend minusing the skipping rope metaphor at such a pivotal moment - it will be less distracting. Maybe you could make it simply skipping beats or some other metaphor? Good job with the thoughts and minimal dialogue, particularly in the latter half :) . Thanks for the follow, too!!
Hi Diontre, Cool story about an adventuresome girl out in the woods on her own. She's pretty brave. The tension in the story is very subtle. I feel it in the beginning, like something ominous is going to happen. Maybe from there you could up it a little? Does the recording for SnapChat have a purpose in the plot? Maybe she has a friend who wants to meet her there or she's keeping in touch with someone to help her feel safe? It might leave the reader with possibilities at the end; wondering if it's that friend coming to help or something mor...
“In the midst of my Snap Chat recording, my phone lost signal. I only knew it would be a matter of time until my phone lost signal.” I’m guessing you meant internet signal and signal for a phone call but it just seems like repetition here. There’s a lot of switching between past and present tense in this. You need to be in one or the other when telling a story, though you can have people saying things in either for dialogue. To help you notice issues like that you could cut and paste your story into something that will read it out to you s...
Thank you. I will look into it. I re-read it and I can now see I was switching between past and present tense.
Wow, great story Diontre Speller. The last lines were very thrilling. Good job.