Contest #141 shortlist ⭐️

Black Four Seater

Submitted into Contest #141 in response to: Start your story with someone receiving a one-star review.... view prompt

78 comments

Funny Fiction Drama

This story contains sensitive content

TW/CW: Some cussing


Seller’s Rating: 🌟


For Sale: $4500 Firm, 1985 Buick Grand National GNX


**Please read the entire ad before you inquire**


The time has come for me to sell my 1985 Buick Grand National, and before you give me any shit about selling an actual legend of a car, just keep reading. Especially you Barbara Jean, this is not an invitation for you to come on my property again, you white trash, homewrecking floozy.


If you find it necessary to message me to ask for more pictures of the car and its blemishes you should know that there is no way for me to document the unseemly pair(s) of underwear left in the glove compartment without this platform censoring me. So you’ll have to trust my memory of what the interior looks like. 



Color: Black. This car has never come in any other color, as this is the way that God intended a car of this nature to be. If you know anything about the Buick Grand National, you’ll know they’ve only ever come in black paint. Black is the superior paint color, a work of art. 


Unlike those filthy pictures Barbara Jean sent to my lying, cheatin’ ex-husband Bobby via her AOL email account. Get with the times you hussy, everybody uses Hotmail now.


That’s right Barbara Jean, I saw that terrible excuse of a butterfly tattoo on your left tit. My granny says it ain’t proper to say the word tit, but if there’s a tattoo on it, then it’s only fair I call it what it is. A tit, with a tat. 


Original paint job, maybe a little rust in the wheel arch, but it ain’t nothing a little WD-40 won’t help scrub out. Hell, slap a little Arm & Hammer baking soda toothpaste in there and it might just shine. Don’t worry Barbara Jean I won’t let the buyer use your toothbrush to scrub the interior since you don’t even own one. Everyone around here knows you’re as toothless as a naked mole rat. 


Interior: Top of the line cassette deck with AM/FM radio and CB radio too. Don, down at Big Don’s Pawn Shop can vouch for its quality. He picked it up at a police auction from cars seized in a major drug trafficking ring. Bobby and I used to call the stereo Cocaine Jesus, but you should know that there is no way this Grand National will bring you any sort of salvation in this town, unless you plan to buy it and drive right on outta here on Highway 226.


Be aware that every once in a while when the air conditioning kicks on, powder puffs out the cassette opening and suddenly every word singing from the stereo sounds like the guy up above himself. The car has a pick me up sort of quality to it. 


This is a black four seater. Spacious in the front seat it is not. There isn’t much of a distance between the passenger and the driver, but the proximity allows you to sit near your loved one while driving the main drag on a Friday night. The option of having easy access to his button fly or his carotid artery, is up to the buyer’s discretion. 


Original upholstery, except for the back seat where I’m damn certain Barbara Jean and Bobby left their ichor and sweat. It’s called antiperspirant y’all. If you buy this car, you can holler at my ex, Bobby when you see him down at The Hamburger Hut and tell him he owes you a good shampooing in the backseat. He knew I kept an old Budweiser towel in the trunk for such occasions. Man couldn’t be bothered to hide his indiscretions or his nasty body secretions. 

Aside from the stank from the skank, the interior is in top condition. 


Under the hood: Well, you might assume that just ‘cause I’m a female I don’t know much about what’s under the hood, but you’d be mistaken, unless of course your name is Bobby. That man could never find anything under my hood if you catch my drift. The GNX can outperform any man in this town. If you're gonna put anything exciting between your legs, let it be the torque that comes with this car.


This Grand National can haul ass from 0-60MPH in under five seconds, and finish out a quarter mile in less than fifteen seconds. The car and Bobby have the same motor speed, but one is better suited for a car than a man.


I know what you’re thinking–


Why would I sell an actual legend of a car? Why get rid of a Buick GNX when everyone else around here drives some mishmashed up version of a Lamborghini Panawagan? Why do I have a one star rating? Where did my marriage to Bobby Lee Jones go wrong? 


Two words: Barbara Jean. 


Besides, nothing would hurt Bobby’s feelings more than me selling his Grand National for a nice little down payment on one of those fancy electric cars. I heard they’re as quiet as a church mouse, and they go from 0-60 MPH in less than five seconds too, sort of like my GNX. That’s just enough time for me to let my new bumper kiss the backside of Bobby Lee when he gets done at his shift deep frying his life away without him even knowing I'm coming.


Manual, 5 Speed.

Chain link steering wheel.

This car is old enough to know every single word to “Your Love,” by The Outfield and has its own built in alarm system, as it will honk incessantly if you bump the passenger door just right.

I’ll throw the fuzzy dice hanging from the rearview mirror for free.


**Full disclosure: This car is my one true love. The only reliable thing in my life. It will be the only thing that will truly love you back, as she has loved me better than Bobby ever could. It will likely outlast any hookup or marriage you ever subject yourself to. Hell, if it wasn’t for the snail trail on the backseat I’d keep the damn thing for myself. 


A Buick Grand National will never judge you, how could she? Unless you happen to pick up Barbara Jean down on the corner of the main drag and Cherry Ave.... and in that case you might be better off borrowing your mom’s station wagon and staying far away from this black four seater.


April 15, 2022 23:19

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78 comments

K. Antonio
14:06 Apr 17, 2022

Alright, alright, I'm commenting on this as I read. - First paragraph in... I AM DEAD. "this is not an invitation for you to come on my property again, you white trash, homewrecking floozy." 😂🤣 This definitely sets up the voice that I'm expecting will be present through the entire piece. - No, THIS "Unlike those filthy pictures Barbara Jean sent to my lying, cheatin’ ex-husband Bobby via her AOL email account. Get with the times you hussy, everybody uses Hotmail now. That’s right Barbara Jean, I saw that terrible excuse of a butterfly t...

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Shea West
15:48 Apr 17, 2022

My favorite thing is when you comment as you read my written pieces. So I knew this old lady and she always told me that a boob was not a boob if it had a tattoo on it. She said, 'I have a boob and a tit. My tit is the one with the tat.' And I will never ever forget that!! Fun fact, the Buick Grand National really only came in the color black! Rainbow Kitten Surprise is one of my fave bands to listen to when I write in the past 6 months, so naturally this is where I landed. Although the song is more about sobriety between a man and a wo...

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K. Antonio
14:35 Apr 22, 2022

OMFG! GURL YOU'RE ON A ROLL! Congratz on another shortlist, Shea! So happy to see this story get some recognition.

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Shea West
14:44 Apr 22, 2022

Thanks K.! I'm so happy to see that this story got as much love as it did. Barbara Jean didn't ruin everything after all.

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16:53 Apr 24, 2022

Oh, my God. What a read ;D After reading the 4th paragraph, I grabbed the notebook and the pen that I reserve for GREAT stories and had to comment on it: "Especially you, Barbara Jean, this is not an invitation for you to come on my property again, you white trash, homewrecking floozy." That line is fundamental to the story. It reminds me of "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." "A tit, with a tat." That had me laugh so hard! :D "The option of having easy access to his button fly or his carot...

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Shea West
18:01 Apr 24, 2022

I'm so thrilled you enjoyed it so much! I loved writing it just as well.

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19:55 Apr 24, 2022

You bet, Shea. Your piece made me laugh so hard. Better than lots of comedies on Netflix ;D

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Zack Powell
06:08 Apr 21, 2022

Hectic week and I'm just now getting around to reading this, and damn! I loved every single word. I really think you've found a strong voice for these southern/country/western/etc. style pieces. (Side note: Fingers crossed for you this week! Here's hoping for two in a row.) I love how you formatted this piece as just the review itself. Not only is it a creative way to tell a story, turns out it's pretty damn funny too. The thing to get right with pieces like this, which you nailed here, is to remember the imagery. (No surprise, since I've to...

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Shea West
14:30 Apr 21, 2022

Zack, always a nice day when I get a comment from you because you have a really wonderful way with words/critique that I so appreciate. I'm blown away with how much y'all are loving this story. I'm hoping for a twofer too🤣 Yes the Hotmail comment could date them, but it could just be they live in a Podunk town where they're about 10 years behind on the times 🤷🤣 Thanks for the read!

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Zack Powell
15:01 Apr 22, 2022

Two in a row! Lend me some of your talent! 🤣

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Shea West
15:04 Apr 22, 2022

Pshhhh. Dumb luck, I got lots of. Wanna borrow some of that😉

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Sharon Hancock
01:21 Apr 21, 2022

😂😂😂 hilarious! “then it’s only fair I call it what it is. A tit, with a tat. “ this is my favorite line, I’ll probably be laughing about it every time someone says either word. “The option of having easy access to his button fly or his carotid artery, is up to the buyer’s discretion.”—this one too! Caught me off guard and that’s the best comedy! Genius idea to write a used car ad for the prompt. Barbara Jean and Bobby deserve each other! 😂😻

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Shea West
04:30 Apr 21, 2022

I'm giddy that everyone loves that line. When I wrote this story I was just myself and I think that's why it came so easy🤣 I can be a bit saucy at the mouth. Thank you so much for your enthusiasms, it keeps me writing especially on the days where I think I'm not very good at it. Barbara Jean + Bobby for life!

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Russell Norman
11:47 Apr 24, 2022

Awesome story. Absolutely hilarious. Congrats on the shortlist. What we need now is to hear this story in your great voice. Any chance of recording it for Blue Marble Storytellers?

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Shea West
12:22 Apr 24, 2022

I'd love to! I have laryngitis at the moment. But as soon as I'm better I'll drum up a recording. (With a Southern accent of course)😂

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Shahnaz Radjy
11:01 Apr 24, 2022

Coming to this late but absolutely love it. The format, the spin on the prompt, the sauciness... in awe. (I've just started writing short stories myself and this is the kind of read that is up there as a #writinggoal - so thank you for the laughs and the inspiration!)

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Shea West
12:23 Apr 24, 2022

Thank you so much, that's huge praise! I just started 2 years ago, just keep going that's all I got to offer because you'll be shocked where you end up🤩 thanks for reading.

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Philip Ebuluofor
19:15 Apr 23, 2022

Simple work. Straight to the point in plain language. I like it.

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Shea West
03:15 Apr 24, 2022

thanks

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Philip Ebuluofor
15:05 Apr 26, 2022

My pleasure.

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Frank Lester
16:21 Apr 23, 2022

Wow! What an excellent story. You've a special knack for telling stories and this one is at the top of my list. I couldn't stop laughing. You nailed the voice and the dialogue. I could visualize the three of you and your sarcasm was beautifully contrasted by specifics about the car. Loved the description, especially of the back seat. Your loathing of Barbara Jean and your ex was definitely palpable. I don't see anything I would/could change. Well done. Congratulations on your shortlisting and thanks for sharing your story. Stay well.

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Shea West
03:30 Apr 24, 2022

Hey Frank, Thanks for dropping by and reading. Poor Barbara Jean, what if she's a lovely human being and she just happened to be bamboozled by Bobby Lee?! I kid, I kid. Appreciate the read and I'm glad you got a good laugh from it!

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Scout Tahoe
02:12 Apr 23, 2022

Ayyy - two shortlists in a row! Congrats, Shea, you rock!

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Shea West
02:19 Apr 23, 2022

It's gotta be a fluke hey???

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Daniel R. Hayes
17:22 Apr 22, 2022

Hi Shea, congrats on being shortlisted! You deserve it! :)

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Shea West
17:27 Apr 22, 2022

Thank you Daniel! I've been working hard and it feels good to see a nod from the judges.

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Ryne Moore
15:51 Apr 22, 2022

Shea, First of all, congrats on being shortlisted! I LOVED this story! I could not stop laughing as I read this in my sweet Southern grandmother's voice, and I could hear EVERY word...

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Shea West
15:54 Apr 22, 2022

So you're saying your sweet Southern grandmother was a firecracker with a bit of a mouth on her? LOL Thanks for the love, I really enjoyed writing it.

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Ryne Moore
15:58 Apr 22, 2022

My grandpa passed 17 years before she did, and we always joked it was so he could get some damn peace and quiet before she arrived...

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Shea West
16:05 Apr 22, 2022

HAHHAH! This made my day.

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Debra Brown
15:47 Apr 22, 2022

this story has spunk. It's funny and creative. I loved every word. You made me laugh. And I thought of an ex too while reading this. Great job. Debra

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Shea West
16:03 Apr 22, 2022

I like the descriptor of spunk! The MC definitely has buckets of that. I'm so glad I could make you laugh. Thanks for reading

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Deidra Lovegren
14:44 Apr 22, 2022

SNORTING UP SHORTLISTS LIKE A FIEND -- Love this one!

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Shea West
14:48 Apr 22, 2022

It's that Cocaine Jesus! LOL

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Kelsey H
05:33 Apr 22, 2022

I love this, such a creative and fun idea to tell the story of marriage ending through a sale ad! Right from the start the voice of the narrator was strong and hilarious- I love how the opening paragraph ends with her addressing Barbara Jean and takes a turn from there from selling a car to telling everyone about her husband and his affair. There were so many amazing lines so I will just mention the one that literally made me LOL was the one about the stank from the stank.

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Shea West
05:48 Apr 22, 2022

Thank you Kelsey!! I really had a helluva fun time writing this one. I loved all of your takeaways and can't thank you enough for taking the time to read and comment😍

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Tanja Riley
02:59 Apr 22, 2022

Such a brilliant format for this prompt! An unexpected twist to the theme, brilliantly funny, imaginative, but also, I have to say, pretty realistic lol. I live in a small community and even though it's mostly peaceful, passive-aggressive stuff directed at someone in particular crops up on social media and then the whole town shows up to comment lmao. So the entire time reading, I had a feeling of familiarity. Your style is beautiful and humoristic, love your work, looking forward to reading more of it! PS: Of course she wanted people to r...

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Shea West
03:57 Apr 22, 2022

I also live in a tiny rural town, say 1200 people. This is such the energy you see on FB community group pages. They kill me because they're so hilarious. Poor Barbara Jean. Her only crime was loving Bobby Lee in the back of a Buick Grand National🤣🤣🤣

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Deon Voltz
18:21 Apr 20, 2022

Love it! I read that in a country accent! I love the stank from the skank 😂

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Shea West
18:27 Apr 20, 2022

I wrote it in a country accent too! BAHAH, I bet she was sipping her sun tea when she wrote this out too LOL

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Nehemiah Giles
04:28 Apr 20, 2022

Is there anything bad to say 😂. This story was absolutely amazing and funny. I enjoyed every bit of it!! Nice Work!!!

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Shea West
04:33 Apr 20, 2022

Thanks so much Nehemiah! It's one that I really loved writing. Humor holds a big part of my head and my heart. Appreciate the read!

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Murray Burns
02:55 Apr 20, 2022

I will always remember former college basketball coach Jim Valvano's speech at the ESPY's many years ago- he was dying of cancer at the time. He said there are certain things a person needs to do everyday. First on his list was laugh. Your story made a nice contribution to that message. And...my daughter has 3 small boys- I'm stealing your bio line "Ringmaster of chaos" and lending it to her.

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Shea West
03:07 Apr 20, 2022

Murray, Why thank you! When I read this story out loud to my husband he just shook his head and said, "So you went full out with your normal self this week huh?" 🤣🤣🤣 He's not wrong, because laughing is the one thing that keeps me breathing. I loved your comment btw, it was a compliment I'm happy to accept. I have 2 boys and a girl. It's chaos allll the time in my house😂

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Deidra Lovegren
14:19 Apr 19, 2022

Barbara Jean, we hardly knew ye. Greatest line in literature: "A tit, with a tat." Raucous good fun. I wish I had written this. Pure American White Trash in all of its glory[hole].

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Shea West
14:21 Apr 19, 2022

Gloryhole☠️☠️☠️☠️

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Deidra Lovegren
14:37 Apr 19, 2022

I know. I'm totally going to hell for that and so much more.

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Shea West
14:40 Apr 19, 2022

I'm going in a gasoline jumpsuit, so don't you worry! I'll save you a seat!

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Jay Mc Kenzie
00:55 Apr 19, 2022

This. Is. Gold! "My granny says it ain’t proper to say the word tit, but if there’s a tattoo on it, then it’s only fair I call it what it is. A tit, with a tat." - brilliant! I laughed out loud so many times throughout. I love the tone, the pace and how much we learn about the lives of three people from one car. Beautiful!

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Shea West
01:08 Apr 19, 2022

Ha! Thanks a ton Jay, I'm glad it brought you so much laughter. I think that cars hold a lot of stories don't you? As a mom with a roughed up minivan I can say that's true for me anyway. I have always gotten a kick out folks who write these funny car sales ads. Thanks for reading.

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