Contest #141 shortlist ⭐️

Black Four Seater

Submitted into Contest #141 in response to: Start your story with someone receiving a one-star review.... view prompt

78 comments

Funny Fiction Drama

This story contains sensitive content

TW/CW: Some cussing


Seller’s Rating: 🌟


For Sale: $4500 Firm, 1985 Buick Grand National GNX


**Please read the entire ad before you inquire**


The time has come for me to sell my 1985 Buick Grand National, and before you give me any shit about selling an actual legend of a car, just keep reading. Especially you Barbara Jean, this is not an invitation for you to come on my property again, you white trash, homewrecking floozy.


If you find it necessary to message me to ask for more pictures of the car and its blemishes you should know that there is no way for me to document the unseemly pair(s) of underwear left in the glove compartment without this platform censoring me. So you’ll have to trust my memory of what the interior looks like. 



Color: Black. This car has never come in any other color, as this is the way that God intended a car of this nature to be. If you know anything about the Buick Grand National, you’ll know they’ve only ever come in black paint. Black is the superior paint color, a work of art. 


Unlike those filthy pictures Barbara Jean sent to my lying, cheatin’ ex-husband Bobby via her AOL email account. Get with the times you hussy, everybody uses Hotmail now.


That’s right Barbara Jean, I saw that terrible excuse of a butterfly tattoo on your left tit. My granny says it ain’t proper to say the word tit, but if there’s a tattoo on it, then it’s only fair I call it what it is. A tit, with a tat. 


Original paint job, maybe a little rust in the wheel arch, but it ain’t nothing a little WD-40 won’t help scrub out. Hell, slap a little Arm & Hammer baking soda toothpaste in there and it might just shine. Don’t worry Barbara Jean I won’t let the buyer use your toothbrush to scrub the interior since you don’t even own one. Everyone around here knows you’re as toothless as a naked mole rat. 


Interior: Top of the line cassette deck with AM/FM radio and CB radio too. Don, down at Big Don’s Pawn Shop can vouch for its quality. He picked it up at a police auction from cars seized in a major drug trafficking ring. Bobby and I used to call the stereo Cocaine Jesus, but you should know that there is no way this Grand National will bring you any sort of salvation in this town, unless you plan to buy it and drive right on outta here on Highway 226.


Be aware that every once in a while when the air conditioning kicks on, powder puffs out the cassette opening and suddenly every word singing from the stereo sounds like the guy up above himself. The car has a pick me up sort of quality to it. 


This is a black four seater. Spacious in the front seat it is not. There isn’t much of a distance between the passenger and the driver, but the proximity allows you to sit near your loved one while driving the main drag on a Friday night. The option of having easy access to his button fly or his carotid artery, is up to the buyer’s discretion. 


Original upholstery, except for the back seat where I’m damn certain Barbara Jean and Bobby left their ichor and sweat. It’s called antiperspirant y’all. If you buy this car, you can holler at my ex, Bobby when you see him down at The Hamburger Hut and tell him he owes you a good shampooing in the backseat. He knew I kept an old Budweiser towel in the trunk for such occasions. Man couldn’t be bothered to hide his indiscretions or his nasty body secretions. 

Aside from the stank from the skank, the interior is in top condition. 


Under the hood: Well, you might assume that just ‘cause I’m a female I don’t know much about what’s under the hood, but you’d be mistaken, unless of course your name is Bobby. That man could never find anything under my hood if you catch my drift. The GNX can outperform any man in this town. If you're gonna put anything exciting between your legs, let it be the torque that comes with this car.


This Grand National can haul ass from 0-60MPH in under five seconds, and finish out a quarter mile in less than fifteen seconds. The car and Bobby have the same motor speed, but one is better suited for a car than a man.


I know what you’re thinking–


Why would I sell an actual legend of a car? Why get rid of a Buick GNX when everyone else around here drives some mishmashed up version of a Lamborghini Panawagan? Why do I have a one star rating? Where did my marriage to Bobby Lee Jones go wrong? 


Two words: Barbara Jean. 


Besides, nothing would hurt Bobby’s feelings more than me selling his Grand National for a nice little down payment on one of those fancy electric cars. I heard they’re as quiet as a church mouse, and they go from 0-60 MPH in less than five seconds too, sort of like my GNX. That’s just enough time for me to let my new bumper kiss the backside of Bobby Lee when he gets done at his shift deep frying his life away without him even knowing I'm coming.


Manual, 5 Speed.

Chain link steering wheel.

This car is old enough to know every single word to “Your Love,” by The Outfield and has its own built in alarm system, as it will honk incessantly if you bump the passenger door just right.

I’ll throw the fuzzy dice hanging from the rearview mirror for free.


**Full disclosure: This car is my one true love. The only reliable thing in my life. It will be the only thing that will truly love you back, as she has loved me better than Bobby ever could. It will likely outlast any hookup or marriage you ever subject yourself to. Hell, if it wasn’t for the snail trail on the backseat I’d keep the damn thing for myself. 


A Buick Grand National will never judge you, how could she? Unless you happen to pick up Barbara Jean down on the corner of the main drag and Cherry Ave.... and in that case you might be better off borrowing your mom’s station wagon and staying far away from this black four seater.


April 15, 2022 23:19

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78 comments

18:33 Apr 18, 2022

I’m a style junkie. I want word arrangements to cut me in a first-wave attack, as the story infects my wounds. Your style, here, is so sharp I kept reaching for rubbing alcohol and hydrogen peroxide. I imagined the MC typing furiously through snarls and gritted teeth. I might have gotten a little too into it, punching my open palm, thinking: Let’s go get that Barbara Jean! (Now, now…calm down, fella) Great story! And I had to look up the Grand National, but when I did: “oh, yeah! That car. Geez, they really ARE all black, aren’t they?” Cheers!

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Shea West
19:08 Apr 18, 2022

AHAHAHAHA, your comment made my day! My friends/family would read this story of mine and just roll their eyes because they know this is how saucy I am in real life. And of course we want to kick Barbara Jean's ass because Bobby is already living in his own hell down at the burger joint he works at! Isn't that interesting that they were all black? Major power move on Buick's part don't you think? Thanks for dropping by, I appreciate the read <3

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Ron Davidson
17:48 Apr 18, 2022

Awesome!!! So creative! The poor Naked Mole Rat. Not only did God make it look like male genitalia but now it shares Barbara Jean's smile LOL! Great work here Shea! So fun! -Ron

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Shea West
18:25 Apr 18, 2022

Bahhaahahhah your comment made me laugh so hard, bless you! Thanks for reading, and enjoying my salty story!

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Zelda C. Thorne
10:42 Apr 18, 2022

Hey Shea, loved this. Very voicey and funny. So many lines I loved, just a couple that made me chuckle : "A tit, with a tat. " "Everyone around here knows you’re as toothless as a naked mole rat. " "The option of having easy access to his button fly or his carotid artery, is up to the buyer’s discretion." Brilliant.

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Shea West
12:27 Apr 18, 2022

Thank you darling! I suppose I'll refer to myself as voicey from here on out, because I am so in life🤣🤣

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Zelda C. Thorne
15:16 Apr 22, 2022

Ahhh you too! Woo hoo! Congratulations 👏

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Shea West
15:17 Apr 22, 2022

🤩🤩 it's a great day! Now we wait for Globe Soup🧐🧐

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Zelda C. Thorne
15:18 Apr 22, 2022

Oh yeah! God I'd forgotten about Globe Soup! The next one is soon isn't it, I wonder what I'll get...

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Shea West
15:20 Apr 22, 2022

Just got an email that said they'd be contacting the winner today and Honorable Mentions/Longlisters on Monday. The next one is soon on May 2nd. I'm always nervous as heck to see what I'll get!

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Riel Rosehill
08:21 Apr 16, 2022

Wow, Shea, I did not see this coming, so racy! I love this character voice, and the humor is brilliant - the best car ad I have ever read, haha. "The option of having easy access to his button fly or his carotid artery, is up to the buyer’s discretion." LOL There were so many lines that cracked me up, reading this is a great start to my morning. Thanks for sharing!

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Shea West
13:57 Apr 16, 2022

In real life I'm a bit on the comical side🤣🤣 it's my natural state. My husband often says, "Are you a 13 year old boy?!" I actually wrote a car ad once for a car we owned that needing selling. I made it funny on purpose in hopes it'd get more views- it worked!! Thanks for the read, and enjoying my sassy character🤩

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Riel Rosehill
14:16 Apr 16, 2022

It's good to be on the comical side - I am too, in the right company! And if I ever need to write an ad for a car, I'll come back for reference, as this is tried and tested! :D

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Riel Rosehill
15:15 Apr 22, 2022

Oh you're on a roll! Massive huge congrats, Shea!

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Shea West
04:57 Apr 16, 2022

Loosely inspired by the song Cocaine Jesus by Rainbow Kitten Surprise. Slightly obsessed with the song title name and the phrase, black four seater .. 🤷

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J.C. Lovero
01:42 Apr 22, 2022

I AM CACKLING. And not the cute cackle people do on TV - the ugly one that stays behind computer screens with the webcam off! You really nailed the voice here. I just had the image of a woman with hair up to heaven as she shook her head during this monologue. Absolute perfection. Here are the lines that got me going. Well done Shea! Especially you Barbara Jean, this is not an invitation for you to come on my property again, you white trash, homewrecking floozy. (Amen) Unlike those filthy pictures Barbara Jean sent to my lying, cheatin’ e...

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Shea West
01:47 Apr 22, 2022

🤣🤣🤣 See, I'd make an exceptional houseguest😉 Tit is just hilarious! She probably had lots of blue eye shadow and Lee Press-On nails

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J.C. Lovero
01:51 Apr 22, 2022

I always tell my friends, "if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me." When we have you over, let's talk trash about Barbara Jean. So ready for it.

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Daniel R. Hayes
06:08 Apr 20, 2022

Hi Shea, this was incredibly funny. I found myself laughing out loud at times and I love the humor. I would love to see you incorporate more great lines like this in the future, because your sense of humor shines through making us all need sunglasses :) I loved this line: "Aside from the stank from the skank, the interior is in top condition." - LOL funny!! Good Stuff! The writing here was excellent and you did a fantastic job writing it. The only critique I could give is in this line: "I’ll throw the fuzzy dice hanging from the rear...

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Shea West
06:48 Apr 20, 2022

Oh, yes I see I totally beefed that line up🤦 I wrote this one rather quickly(which never happens, a story takes me ages). Good catch, I can't edit it now as it's been approved. Hoping it stays on the recommended list, but we'll see🤩

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Daniel R. Hayes
21:02 Apr 20, 2022

Oh, no worries. I know what you mean about the editing. I spend so much time writing the stories that I don't have much left for editing, especially in a given week. I'm sure it will stay on the list, it was fantastic!!

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Michał Przywara
17:26 Apr 16, 2022

Hahah, this is great! Good opening -- it's unusual for a seller to rate their own product so low -- and a strong voice throughout. Lots of funny lines and phrases. I liked "If you're gonna put anything exciting between your legs, let it be the torque that comes with this car." LOL! It's great, not only because it gets the narrator's frustration across, but because she's also definitely channeling her inner salesperson. "Always be closing," eh? :)

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Shea West
18:02 Apr 16, 2022

ABC!🤣🤣🤣 Always be closing! I was hoping the rating just looked like when you go on a marketplace and the sellers have a rating, hard to format that here. Worth a shot!

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Michał Przywara
23:08 Apr 22, 2022

Congratulations on the shortlist!

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Shea West
23:42 Apr 22, 2022

Thank you! I really am pumped about it.

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