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**In case you’ve missed them, or just need some nonsense, the Bickering Banters are back. **
“Martha, you’ve got that look on your face”
“How do you know what look I have on my face? You’re not even looking at me.”
“I don’t have to. You’re standing 2 feet away from me and staring at me, waiting for me to look up from the paper. I can sense it.”
“Extrasensory perception, Matthew? In 50 years of marriage, I have never found you particularly perceptive when it comes to reading my face or my mind…unless, of course, you have access to AI. According to the latest news, AI can read my thoughts now. Isn’t that terrifying?”
“Wow…that is terrifying…reading your thoughts I mean. Well, if it’s any consolation, darling, I wouldn’t want to read your mind, Martha. It’s pretty convoluted in there, isn’t it? Heaven only knows what I’d find if I dug any deeper. So, that said, what is it you’re just busting to share with me this time?
“I want to move to Finland!”
“You want to move to Finland? What on earth for? We already live in a bloody cold country…not to mention that in Finnish Lapland, the sun sets in late November and doesn’t rise again until mid-January. So why the heck would you want to live there? You love sunshine!”
“Well thank you for the information I didn’t ask for Matthew Banter! How thoughtful of you.”
“Uh-oh. Are you in one of THOSE moods today?”
“And what moods are those, Matthew? Not sure AI can read my moods yet, but you can?”
“Oh, you know what I mean Martha. I know it’s not menopause ‘cause you’re way past that. So what is it? I was just trying to be helpful. If you’ve got moving Finland on your mind, I thought a few facts would come in handy.”
“Well this may surprise you Matthew, but I have been doing some research on Finland because you always remind me that “a little knowledge is a dangerous thing”. So, since you’re so into facts, I checked some out and did you know that in the summertime, on sunny days, Finland might get 18 hours of sunshine, and Finnish Lapland gets up to 24?”
“Well, I did know that too…”
“Of course you do! How stupid of me to think otherwise!”
“Oh come on Martha. I wasn’t trying to make you feel stupid. You’re too sensitive.”
“See, you’re doing it again!”
“Doing what for Pete’s sake? Martha, wait a cotton-pickin’ minute before you go off on your high horse again. What’s all this rubbish about moving to Finland? Didn’t you tell me just a few weeks back that you wanted to move closer to the equator? Something about you’ll weigh less if we live closer to the equator? So now you want to go to the opposite extreme and move closer to the North Pole? Is this some more BS from that stupid online science publication you read? What’s it called again?”
“IFL Science! And it’s not stupid. Why are you mocking me, Matthew? I don’t criticize you for what you’re interested in reading!”
“Aww, I didn’t mean to upset you, hon. Looks like I keep saying the wrong thing today. I’m sorry. Let’s start again. Now what’s this about Finland?
“O.K. Let me spit it out without you constantly interrupting, please. It’s something I read on CNBC a week or three back. It seems that Finland ranks Number 1 in the world as the place to live if you want to be happy.”
“Martha, I am happy wherever I live as long as I’m with you.”
“Oh Matthew, you suck-up! Sometimes you really do say the sweetest things. But you see what you’ve done? You made me completely lose my train of thought. Did you do that on purpose?”
“Oh Man, is it Friday the 13th today? I think I’m jinxed. Listen, before my coffee gets cold, I think you were saying something about Finland and being happy. You know me and my hearing aid, darling. I just can’t keep up with all the words, especially given the speed at which they tumble from your lips. And you have a habit of letting your voice drop toward the end of a sentence and it just becomes a big mumble for me.”
“So, your hearing problems are all my fault now?”
“Did I say that?”
SILENCE
“Martha? Are you giving me the silent treatment now?”
“Not really, but I wasn’t quite finished talking.”
“You rarely are! Oops! Scratch that. Martha, why don’t you tell me what’s really on your mind. You don’t seriously want to move to Finland, do you?”
“No.”
“Then what’s eating you this morning?”
“The book I’ve been asked to review.”
“You’re upset about a book you have to review? Is something wrong with it?
“It’s boring.”
“So. Don’t review it then. Can’t you tell the book review editor you don’t want to cover it?”
“No. They stuck me with it because no one else wants to review it and, besides, it’s a memoir. My editor figured since memoir’s my specialty, I’m the best one to review it. The deadline is two days from now, I’m only 1/4 of the way through it and it’s boring me to tears. I’m so frustrated I could scream!”
“Oh, Martha…please don’t scream! That really hurts when it comes through a hearing aid!”
“Let’s not discuss your hearing aid again, Matthew! This is serious! I mean the very fact that I want to move to Finland because people are happier there should tell you something.”
“Martha, dare I suggest that moving to Finland or even Point Nemo won’t fix your current problem with your book review deadline.”
“Point Nemo? Where the heck is that?”
“It’s a point in the vast Pacific Ocean and is considered the remotest place on earth. It’s not even an island. It’s simply a point in the ocean. In fact, if you could sit in a dinghy at that point, the nearest inhabitants would be the astronauts in the International Space Station.”
“And this is important to me right now why?”
“Oh just trying to lighten your mood with some interesting information I read on one of the sites you left open on your iPad when they missed delivering my Saturday paper this past weekend.”
“Ha! That was most likely that site you just called stupid: IFL Science. Guess it’s not so stupid after all, eh Matthew? Anyway, let me ask you something else altogether. Do you believe in reincarnation, Matthew?
“You kidding? The whole idea is ridiculous. Why do you ask me that now?”
“I guess I’m procrastinating because I don’t want to get back to reading that book. But I can’t help thinking that if I died and came back in another life, instead of reviewing boring books for pennies, I could be making a fortune as a J.K. Growling or Stephanie Queen…”
“Who? Come again?”
“Just checking if you’re paying attention, Matthew. That’s my addle-brained version of Author Scrabble. But just think, maybe in another life, or a parallel universe, instead of writing banters like this, if I lived closer to the equator, I could write about “The Old Woman and the Sea” or if I lived in Finland, I’d do a Stieg Larssen and churn out a blockbuster novel titled “The Boy with the Dragon Emblem” or “The Girl Who Kicked the Bee’s Hive”.
“Martha, I think Stieg Larrsen was Swedish, not Finnish.”
“Thanks for correcting me again. Matthew, don’t you ever get tired of always being accurate?”
“Well, as Edmund Burke once said, “Facts are to the mind what food is to the body.”
“Well bully, bully for Edmund Burke. I’m afraid I’m more of a Dr. Seuss.”
“In what way? What does Dr. Seuss say?”
“He says, ‘I like nonsense; it wakes up the brain cells.’ He’s definitely more my kind of writer.
“Okay, Martha Seuss. Whatever you say.”
“Well, there’s also this bit of wisdom spoken by Robin Williams.”
“And that is?”
“Robin Williams believes we’re only given a little spark of madness, so we mustn’t lose it.”
“Well, if you want my opinion, darling, you got more than a lion’s share of madness and that’s without crazy ideas like moving to Finland or living in a parallel universe, or being reincarnated.”
“Matthew, I’ll dismiss that insult on the grounds that you just punched a hole into my dreams of one day writing something unique and more memorable than a banter or a review of yet another boring book!”
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42 comments
Hey Viga, I do so adore every single time we get to revisit these characters because the way that you characterize their marriage becomes clear and clear with each piece. I love that you touched on Martha’s dreams because you did so in a way, which captured the human nature to wonder if we are really maximizing our potential. I also like how in this piece Matthew take some time to really call his wife on her BS. I think sometimes we procrastinate because we don’t wanna do a task and sometimes it takes the people closest to us to really call ...
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Thanks for reading this Amanda and pointing out aspects of the story, that as its creator, I don’t even think about as I write LOL. It’s gratifying and satisfying after writing a piece, to learn what readers get from it, especially on something like these banters i.e. I rarely have a specific reason in mind for writing them, but comments like yours nail my unspoken, and unrecognized intentions. I wonder how many other Reedsy writers know beforehand where their piece will end up. Have you heard the terms “Plotter” vs. “Pantser” in relation to...
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There's nothing boring about this sparring match, a/k/a long, comfortable marriage material. This was as warm as an old robe that you won't give up just because it's worn through and moth eaten. It's familiar and it's got history and it's not about appearance. That's what you've produced here, Viga. A snapshot, distinct and as rollicking as a roller coaster, just cozy as a cup of tea next to the hearth. Sums up marriage to an extent, wouldn't you say?
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A good marriage…yes 😉
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Hi Viga! FINLAND! I want to move to Finland, too! I just fear they’d see me as a typical American and give me bad directions to the gas station or something :) Can’t say I’ve ever heard of Point Nemo :) A fun back and forth - I certainly see a routine here - I picture a rocking chair, a laz-y-boy, and some shared tea … where’s the Pomeranian or a poodle? Grin - but I hope Martha can drag Matthew out to Finland soon. I think the old man needs to get out the laz-y-chair :) R
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Well, your vision has added about 10 years to their ages. Not quite that doddery yet. Thanks for reading snd commenting on what I know is far from the kind of stories you create LOL.
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Yay welcome back again Martha! It’s lovely to hear her voice again as well as the long suffering Matthew. Gosh I just love these two. I hope they never lose their little spark of madness. I tried highlighting my favourite lines, but it’s probably not a good idea to just cut and paste the entire piece is it! Thanks for sharing Viga.
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Thanks so much Michelle for loving my Banters. With support from those on here who enjoy reading their nonsense as much as I enjoy writing it, I’ll do my best to keep coming up with more episodes.
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It is always challenging with a -only- dialogue story. I thought you did a good job clarifying each voice. I appreciate your 'little spark of madness' ;)
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Thanks Marty B. Actually, re challenging, dialogue only is my favourite way of writing after being told by a superb author, years ago when I was writing my memoir, to “stop telling and start showing through dialogue!” It’s now one of the reasons I groan when I see long, all narrative stories. 😂 Maybe I’ve now gone to opposite extreme but only for short, funny pieces like my Banter series.
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It is always challenging with a -only- dialogue story. I thought you did a good job clarifying each voice. I appreciate your 'little spark of madness' ;)
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WooHoo! The Banters return! Lovely dialogue, as per. Martha is funny, even when she doesn't want to be, and poor Matthew loves her so much that he's willing to put up with anything. I suppose, though, that she does the same. Love is a terrible business, yes? The Banters, though, have made it less terrible. Nice piece, Viga. Very nice. Cheers!
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Thanks so much Delbert for returning and checking out my latest banter. I’m starting to think Reedsy writers quite enjoy this couple. Now, if only I could figure out a place, publication or whatever that might be interested in a series…and is willing to pay me for it LOL
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The beauty of being an uninitiated reader is that I have, as of writing this comment, yet to read another story with these Banter characters, because it's nice to know there's more of this snappy quipping that I can get my hands on later. It's a fun story, carried along well by the strong voices of both characters, and I think what works well is that Martha has an actual reason for initiating this conversation. It's not necessarily about Finland (or the equator), but more about the lack of motivation when it comes to her upcoming book revi...
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Welcome to the Bickering Banters at last Zack! Not sure how you finally located them (me) but I’m delighted you found their silliness a good way to scratch that itch for dialogue-only pieces. There’s 5 more like this here whenever you need a break from narrative overload. Your timing on finding us couldn’t be better for the writer in me who, only yesterday was questioning the value of creating and sharing these bits of senior nonsense on Reedsy. Thanks for your supportive comments. Maybe I’ll stick it out a bit longer for those who enjoy h...
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Finland (where I also want to move since it's colder than Estonia) and memoirs' reviewing (I do it all the time) are so close to my heart! Silly story to improve my mood; I love it! Thank you. PS. Submittable com is a site through which you can search for magazines/journals for your stories. Sign up is free, but magazines/journals take their own fees for submissions.
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Thanks for information Darya. Just took a look but don’t see anything like what I’m looking for. Slad you enjoyed reading a silly bit of nonsense. Plenty more of that on my page between the serious stuff.
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"or just need some nonsense" Always :) So facts are food for the body, but nonsense wakes up brain cells. Maybe they're both right, and these are parts of a balanced breakfast. "You rarely are! Oops!" :) It's a funny story, as the Banters are, but it also digs into procrastination a bit, and being saddled with an unpleasant task. Surely something we've all experienced. So why doesn't she just take the obvious way out and not read/review the book? Obligations. They're a powerful force, powerful enough we'd flee to Finland (or the Finnis...
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Thanks for reading and commenting Michal. Beating around the bush? Quite common for some people who don’t want to get at what’s really bugging them 😂
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I've had a bit of a Reedsy hiatus and it was lovely to come back on and see the Banters are back. In this episode I love the fun author names. J.K. Growling or Stephanie Queen…”- ha! All that talk of Finland has got me seriously thinking of spending my summer holidays there. We've had such a dull wet spring here in southern Germany; 28 hours of sun seems far more like it!
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Oh Rebecca…you just said the words I need to hear to make me reconsider thoughts I’ve had of leaving Reedsy for the truly talented longer short story writers i.e. “it was lovely to come back on and see the Banters are back.” Thank you SO much. I really love some of the more serious stories I’ve posted here, like the recent heart-warming “The Sidekick” but I’ve given up entering any of these in the contests. I’m currently looking for sites, publications that want those and might even pay a few $ for them. Hard to find, however. I think, apa...
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Oh absolutely stick around Viga; you'll be sorely missed on here! I've given up writing for more reward than Reedsy comments. No time to write something longer, research other comps or market anything I've already written. We're rich in words dear💕
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You know what, Rebecca? You’re right. At my age I should write because I enjoy the personal challenge and not for hopes of monetary rewards. Of course, if I wasn’t just scraping by on old age pension to keep paying the bills, that would be all the reward I need, along with the appreciative comments I receive from those Reedsy writers who do like my very short stories and banters. Thanks for reminding me of what really matters. 😉
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Oh my, Viga. A doddering old couple willing to bicker for fun or boredom. Is this what we all have to look out for when we reach the golden years? I'm keeping my Peter Pan mentality. A fun read and an early warning to us all. Well done!
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Thanks Chris. Well doddering only physically. Mentally, still on the ball! More episodes starting them on my page. Not brilliant fiction like most on Reedsy write, but we can all use a laugh, right?
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Hey Viga, Nice story again starring the bantering of Martha and Matthew. Well done. One suggestion. "convoluted and complicated" - mean the same thing consider using a different word. Best line. “Facts are to the mind what food is to the body.” - awesome line Viga. Thanks for the story Viga. LF6
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Sadly…your favorite line wasn’t written by me LOL. It’s a quote!
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I know I googled it. LOL LF6.
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You didn’t need to 😂 In the dialogue, Matthew states: “Well, as Edmund Burke once said, “Facts are to the mind what food is to the body.”
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J.K. Growling ha! Wonderful writing as always. These Banters always bring a smile. :)
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Thanks Lilah. It’s appreciation like yours that keeps me bantering 😂 BTW…did you unscrabble “Stephanie Queen”?
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Yeah. Same here. :) No I didn’t. Unscramble Stephanie Queen, I mean.
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Think of current hugely popular Male horror writer…maybe I should change that one to something more obvious. If you figure it out, you’re smarter than Matthew. He couldn’t get it either.
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Stephan King?
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👏👏👏
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Nice Bantering as usual oh ye great-writer-who-claimed-no-time-to-write-this-week:) So happy you found time. Hope all is well.
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I didn’t have time because I had 2 book reviews due within 2 days of each other. One of them was what prompted this banter!! I managed to finish reading that one yesterday and wrote and submitted the review to get it out of my way ASAP as it was draining my energy for writing of any kind. But I had put 1/2 of this banter aside 3 weeks ago. My frustration with that review helped me take this banter to a conclusion that worked for this week’s prompt. Hence WYSIWYG!
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You are so awesome!
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