99 comments

Thriller

Do you want me to tell you a story about a girl who was captured? I bet your first thought was that she was chained or locked in some room, but no, she was trapped inside of her own mind.




She was standing still. The blood was pounding in her ears so that every sound around her was muffled. She was barefoot; she could feel gooey and tick pound of liquid beneath her feet. A sound of a siren went off. The same sound was giving her a headache while the blood pounding hasn’t stopped. The taste of metal began pinching her tongue and palates. All the sounds were becoming less clear; until all she could hear was wheezing.

Voice One - You are going crazy Lilith… - The eerie voice was scratching through her ears, at least, that’s how she felt. There were several similar voices, going over each other. They were all saying something.

Voice Two - Run away, run away… - Another voice said.

Voice Three - She won’t get there in time… - The third voice of a woman spoke. 

I am not strong, I am weak, I can’t move… - She was saying to herself. Her blood pressure was getting higher. Her heart was beating faster. Where am I? 

Voice Two - You are in hell darling; this is how hell looks like… 

Voice One - No, she is not in hell! Lilith, don’t listen to her, she is… - she coughed - crazy! - All three voices began laughing.

I am not crazy; I am not crazy… - She wanted to convince herself, but she couldn’t. The voices were too strong to fight them off, even her own self-doubt was too strong.

She was cold; tiny snowflakes were burning her light and bare skin. Her skin was exposed to a darkness that covered the sky above her. She raised her gaze and looked at the moon that was shining down on here. I am not crazy; this is just a dream… Still unable to believe her own words Lilith felt her beating heart going weaker.

Voice Two - She won't survive… 

Voice One - No, she won't… 

Voice Three - She is too weak

She fell on her knees, hitting them hard on the cement floor. She raised her hands - they were red, soiled with blood. Her whole naked body was covered in traces of blood. Am I to blame? 

Voice One - Of course you are! Look at yourself!

Voice Three - Poor Lilith, she doesn’t even know what she did. 

Voice Two - Can you hear us, Lilith, why don’t you listen to us? 




Lilith could hear those voices, she made them, they were coming from her head. But these voices were new and unfamiliar. She didn’t know those womanly voices. She was scared of them, they were scary and distant. Lilith was now trapped with other voices that appeared just now, now that she was stuck in the middle of the street covered in dead’s man blood.




- Why am I here? Why did you bring me here? What do you want from me? - She was asking, speaking in a low voice. But no response, there was nobody that could hear her questions.

Voice One - She is going mad… 

Voice Two - Who is she speaking to?

Voice Three - She must be going crazy.

Voice Two - She is already crazy, but who is she speaking to? 

Please tell me, where am I? Why is there blood on my hands? - The cold wind was slapping her face and burning her skin like tiny snowflakes that were landing on her dirty and bloody skin.

Everything before her eyes was unclear, especially the body that was lying in front of her in the same pound of blood that her bare feet were sunken into. She could hear the murmurs around her. She was looking at people’s faces looking back at her. She couldn’t understand what happened and why she is in a place like that, bare skinned around blood.

In the distance, there was black glass.

Voice One - If you look deep into that mirror you will reveal the truth, Lilith.

Voice Two - Don’t trust her Lilith! She is speaking madness!

She looked at her reflection looking back at herShe raised her tiny hand closer to her cheek. She could see the frightened little girl in that glass. Is this me? A man appeared behind her. The man in the glass reflection placed his hand over her shoulders. - Don’t be scared… - a mysterious man said. - I am here now.

- I knew you would come!! - She cheered in excitement.  

Voice Two - Who is he?

Voice Three - What does he want with her?

Voice One - Lilith, tell us, who is he?

Then two burly men in gray suits came behind her back. - Come with us. - One of them said. They grabbed her by her arms and handcuffed her. A smile appeared on her face revealing bloody teeth. She began laughing, like a mad man.

Voice Three - Why is she laughing?

Voice Two - Why didn’t she escape?

- You know what you did. – One of the two men spoke. But she didn’t know what she did. She had no clue of the events that occurred. The only thing she knew was that she was free. – You are coming with us now. 

Voice One - Where are they taking her?

Voice Three - Lilith, where are they taking you?

But Lilith hasn’t said anything. She was quiet until she let out an ominous laugh. She once again looked at her reflection. There was she, and beside her was a man looking back at her while two burly men were taking her towards the black smoke. 

Voice Three - Lilith! Don’t leave us! Lilith! 

- Thank you... – Lilith said quietly, still gazing towards the glass. This time, there wasn’t her reflection anymore, just a reflection of a man she thanked. The voices were gone too, they disappeared the moment she disappeared. 




Lilith had to do it. She needed to set herself free. Even though the poor girl didn’t know what she has done, everything was too much that she couldn’t bear the life she had anymore. The only way out was this... 




- What happened here? – A woman asked when she came closer to the crime scene. 

- Young woman killed a man and then she killed herself by stabbing a knife into her chest. People who witnessed her suicide say that she was „crazy“ and that she was constantly speaking with someone even though there was no one around here speaking with her. As our witnesses say, she looked at the glass near her and thanked someone before she stabbed a knife into her chest. They say that she seemed like she was possessed like she didn’t know what she was doing. She really must have been mad. 




Lilith killed herself so she could finally be free. The poor girl was so oblivious that she didn’t know that by stabbing herself she would kill herself. She only wanted to live a normal life, without eerie voices and illusions. She found that escape in a suggestion made by an evil man, a voice, and a reflection. Lilith is now gone, impaired, and feeble soul was sent to the other side by two men who took her to the black smoke. She’ll never come back. Lilith was forever gone; her name could be heard just as whispers screaming through the air in dark. 


July 26, 2020 13:25

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99 comments

Rhondalise Mitza
05:18 Jul 27, 2020

Fantastic work, Nancy! Much better than what I wrote tonight. :)

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Nancy Drayce
05:21 Jul 27, 2020

Thank you so much! 💜✨ And don't be too hard on yourself!

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Rhondalise Mitza
05:23 Jul 27, 2020

:D thank you for the positive feedback!

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Zion Hintay
13:24 Jul 27, 2020

I loved the voices. Great story. Curious as to what the black smoke would represent. Like going into the afterlife. Very well done. I had a hard time writing for this weeks prompts how bout you?

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Nancy Drayce
13:37 Jul 27, 2020

Thank you so much! 💜✨ Yeah, I would say like an afterlife. At first, when I read them I wasn't sure that I would write something. This one caught my attention and inspiration hit me so I ended up writing it! 😂

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13:32 Jul 30, 2020

Terrific work!

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Nancy Drayce
14:44 Jul 30, 2020

Thank you! 💜✨

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Kim Quinn
18:13 Jul 29, 2020

I enjoyed your story. Thank you for reading mine. If you'd like to follow me I'd be happy to follow you as well.

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Nancy Drayce
18:43 Jul 29, 2020

Thank you! Of course! 💜✨

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Grae Velyra
05:15 Jul 29, 2020

This is an interesting narrative. The way you tell the story and the build up towards the ending was really great!

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Nancy Drayce
09:31 Jul 29, 2020

Thank you so much! 💜✨

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Charles Stucker
00:39 Jul 29, 2020

The first thing which caught my attention was was. You overused passive voice at the start. Also you went outside the tale with exposition for your opening. You might want to delete it entirely and start with a slight edit on "She was standing still. The blood was pounding in her ears so that every sound around her was muffled." Perhaps something like, "Standing still, blood pounded in her ears and muffled every sound about her." After that, edit the word was out of, basically everything. Passive is like salt, a little goes a LONG way and...

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Nancy Drayce
09:31 Jul 29, 2020

Thanks!

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Sue Marsh
22:50 Jul 28, 2020

really well done

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Nancy Drayce
22:50 Jul 28, 2020

Thanks! 💜✨

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Batool Hussain
15:09 Jul 28, 2020

👏👏

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Batool Hussain
09:31 Jul 29, 2020

Hello! You asked me to read and I just wanted to tell you that I've read it already. It is amazing!

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Nancy Drayce
12:23 Jul 29, 2020

Thank you! 💜✨

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04:47 Jul 28, 2020

Nicely done. I like how Lilith takes back control at the end. Your overall description of her madness was briliant. Keep going!

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Nancy Drayce
05:11 Jul 28, 2020

Thank you so much! 💜✨

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Abigail Slimzy
00:32 Jul 28, 2020

Good👍 you are really doing well.

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Nancy Drayce
05:11 Jul 28, 2020

Thanks! 💜✨

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Daniela Vaudrey
19:10 Jul 27, 2020

This is incredible! I love the way you wrote this.

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Nancy Drayce
05:10 Jul 28, 2020

Thank you so much! 💜✨

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Brandy Batz
18:36 Jul 27, 2020

This gave me some girl interrupted/Sybil vibes. Maybe Lilith interrupted....I almost feel like you don’t need that telling ending. It could be cool to end on She really just have been mad to leave your reader some freedom to form their own conclusion. Thank you for exploring this topic, it’s important.

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Nancy Drayce
05:10 Jul 28, 2020

Thank you! 💜✨

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Avery G.
03:15 Jul 27, 2020

I loved this story! It caught my attention right away, and I couldn't stop reading! Life is full of sad endings, and this was no exception. But I really like your writing and I think you are very skilled! Great job!

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Nancy Drayce
05:13 Jul 27, 2020

Thank you so much! That means a lot 💜✨

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Avery G.
15:09 Jul 27, 2020

You're welcome!😊

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Conan Helsley
23:16 Jul 26, 2020

Ok, so I'll say first that toward the end it began to feel like an episode of the Twilight Zone. If you know that show. I think the writing itself needs a bit of work, to get it to flow better, but the story itself was really good. I liked the death of the character because people seem to think main characters shouldn't die or face real hardships. Life is full of sad or tragic endings, and I believe the entertainment industry lacks a crucial portrayal of this. So I definitely appreciate someone willing to tell a story of tragedy. Good job f...

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Nancy Drayce
23:18 Jul 26, 2020

Thank you so much! 💜✨ and no, I didn't hear of that show 🤭

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Conan Helsley
23:21 Jul 26, 2020

Oh, and if it wasn't clear, comparing this to the Twilight Zone was a compliment. I love that show and wish we had more storytelling like that. Kudos.

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Nancy Drayce
23:22 Jul 26, 2020

Oh, thank you! I'll check it out.

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Conan Helsley
23:24 Jul 26, 2020

The Twilight Zone is a classic in the States, from the 60s. Great show, so like I said, the story giving that feel is definitely a good thing. The fact that you don't know the show makes it all the better for it's authenticity.

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Conan Helsley
23:12 Jul 26, 2020

First I want to thank you for following me. You're only the second so I really appreciate it. I'm trying to build a platform from which to launch a career, so every like, comment and follow is going to be great for my future. So thank you. I will start a new comment for the story.

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Nancy Drayce
23:17 Jul 26, 2020

No problem! As soon as I read some of your stories I will leave feedback! 💓

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Conan Helsley
23:18 Jul 26, 2020

I look forward to seeing what you have to say. Thank you

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Karin Venables
22:36 Jul 26, 2020

What an excellent depiction of mental illness. Whether a psychosis or schizophrenia the voices within are a powerful influence. The suspense and the way she disappeared was well crafted. Thank you for this glimpse into a troubled mind.

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Nancy Drayce
22:39 Jul 26, 2020

Thank you so much!! 💜✨🤗

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21:32 Jul 26, 2020

Wow great writing! The inner dialogue was so well written. I love the mystery that you created was Lilith really crazy or was it a result of the black smoke.

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Nancy Drayce
21:36 Jul 26, 2020

Thank you so much! 💜✨ She has psychosis which resulted in her twisted reality and in all the voices that she kept hearing.

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Lata B
20:13 Jul 26, 2020

Woah I love the way you started this out...it grabbed my attention right away! This was so sad and I absolutely love how you wrote this! AMAZING! :)

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Nancy Drayce
20:32 Jul 26, 2020

Thank you so much!! 💜✨

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22:39 Feb 15, 2021

.......... *Help me I can't breathe this is so good* *NOW I CAN BREATHE IT IS SO GOOD!*

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Nancy Drayce
22:48 Feb 15, 2021

Aww, thank you so much!! 💙🌟

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17:37 Feb 16, 2021

It really is!

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Daniel Hayes
19:11 Jan 24, 2021

Gripping, simple gripping. This story was very good. One thing I love about your stories is that you incorporate your knowledge of psychology. My degree is in Business but I minored in psychology, so I can see that knowledge coming into your work. I also love the name Lilith. Great job on this one, I really enjoyed it :)

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Nancy Drayce
19:38 Jan 24, 2021

Thank you so much!! That is so cool! I hope you liked what you learned in psychology, there are a lot of interesting things to learn 😊😊

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Daniel Hayes
19:49 Jan 24, 2021

I love psychology, I learned a lot, and the thing I like the best is the way it changes the way you look at things. You can better understand why people do the things they do by using critical thinking skills. Also, as a writer you can develop rich characters with strong character development. So, like you I really enjoy it :)

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Nancy Drayce
19:53 Jan 24, 2021

Absolutely! I couldn't agree more. "Also, as a writer you can develop rich characters with strong character development." this was one of the reasons why I chose to study it! And I don't regret it at all! :))

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