The Impractical Prankster

Warning: an adult themed fairy tale

As he stepped out of the Fey Woods and into the realms of men, Vexx examined the sword that the Pixie Council had presented to him by taking a few practice swings. In reality, the weapon was smaller than a human steak knife, but to Vexx, who stood a diminutive fourteen inches tall, it was a hefty longsword. The sun’s morning rays pierced the towering trees behind him, refracting through his gossamer wings to form a shimmering rainbow and making his shadow stretch out before him like a colossal spectral warrior.

Shaking off his heroic daydream, he sheathed his blade and made sure his belt pouch of shelled walnuts was secure before taking to the air. In order for Vexx to take his next step from pixie squire to pixie knight, he’d need to perform at least one picture-perfect practical prank upon any member of the giant races. To be sure, the deed was not to be in any way wicked or pernicious, just playfully cheeky. Only when he’d achieved success, could he return to his clan to relate the entertaining tale and accept his new rank and title.

The fledgling pixie squire flitted along the Duke’s High Road, taking care to remain hidden behind random boulders and fallen trees. It wasn’t long before he came across a merchant wagon also headed toward the city. The carriage was drawn by a single mottled horse, and it was being driven by a rotund and red-bearded middle-aged man. His equally plump wife was the one clamoring from the coach every time one of the wagon wheels hit a pothole. “Oh! Henry! I can’t get a wink back here with you purposely hitting every ditch in the road!”

Vexx decided then and there to grant the lady her wish. As he darted through the air to catch up to the carriage, his wings produced the necessary pixie dust for him to cast his first spell of the day, “Somnus quietus!”

Magic spread out from his fingers like a gentle nocturne enveloping the entire area around the travelers, and by the time Vexx arrived, the merchant was slumped over and fast asleep in the driver’s seat. The horse had stopped still and slept where he stood, but the animal’s snorts were nothing compared to the obnoxious wheezing coming from the merchant’s wife who slumbered inside the coach. Vexx plugged his ears as he explored the carriage in an attempt to keep the merchant’s corpulent companion’s clamor quelled, but to his disappointment, the couple didn’t seem to have anything to sell.

Withdrawing from the carriage and closing the door, Vexx flew up and landed on the seat next to the driver. He munched on half of his stash of salted walnuts while contemplating what possible trick he could pull. “Perhaps they’re not selling, but buying?” he surmised when he saw the old man had a sizeable coin purse tied to his waist.

He snapped his slender fingers and voiced his brainstorm aloud as he unfastened the small bag from the merchant’s belt. “I’ll replace these coins with flat river stones of comparable weight and size, so when they attempt to pay for their purchase the trick will be revealed! Brilliant!”

The merchant snorted and leaned the opposite direction, but didn’t awaken as the pixie counted the coins. “Twenty gold crowns,” he noted as he ate a few more walnuts in order to make room and store the stolen bounty in his own belt pouch. As quickly as he could, he flew to the nearby stream that ran parallel to the road, and selected twenty thin round stones for duplicates. Dashing back to the wagon, he loaded the replacement currency into the merchant’s pouch and secured it back into place.

Rather than follow the couple into town, Vexx hid himself atop the carriage. It wasn’t long before he heard the old man jiggle his coin purse to ensure its contents and then whip his slumbering quarter horse back on course. The first rut in the road the wagon encountered brought the expected vociferous complaint from the coach, “Oh, honestly Henry? I had just fallen asleep!”

When the wagon came to a halt, Vexx stayed out of sight but within earshot of the merchant. The old man tied off his horse and headed straight toward a tent manned by the duke’s men. “I am here to pay my debt to the crown,” he announced as he presented his payment.

“Oh no,” groaned Vexx, “this will not go well.”

The captain of the duke’s men emptied the bag and was quite unimpressed. “Is this some kind of joke?” he growled.

The merchant put his hands to his cheeks in utter surprise. “River rocks? But, but…I must’ve been robbed while I slept!”

“Robbed while you slept?” the captain doubted.

One of the duke’s sycophantic soldiers piped up, “Sir, maybe he’s protesting our magnificent duke’s recent tax hike?”

The merchant nervously responded, “Surely not, Captain. This is a mistake! Please, send your men to search the High Road for bandits and give us another month to accrue the necessary funds to pay our debt.”

The captain nodded, and in the next instant the merchant was securely bound and being dragged away by two of the five laughing footmen. Vexx knew where they were taking him, and he also knew that his malicious prank would far from qualify him for advancement. He shook his head and scratched his pointy ears while he considered his next moves. In the meantime, the snickering soldiers returned sans Henry to join their comrades-in-arms.

With a look of determination, Vexx snapped his fingers and took to the air, again collecting enough pixie dust to cast a second invocation, “Magna inuisibilitas!”

Vexx blinked out of sight becoming completely invisible, not even the pixie dust that was generated as he flew was evident. Once landing near the captain’s tent, he carefully and methodically peace-tied each of the duke’s men’s weapons. Peace-tying a sword consisted of a short cord that wrapped around the weapon’s hilt to secure it to the top of the sheath and ensure it couldn’t be drawn. “Let’s see what happens when these oafs need their weapons. That’ll be a lark,” Vexx imagined.

The captain of the guard nearly interrupted Vexx on his last knot when he gave his men an order, “Why don’t three of you go out on patrol along the High Road. I want to see if the old man’s story has any legs.”

Imperceptibly, the young squire scooped up the merchant’s empty bag and returned to his carriage. He redeposited the stolen coins into their original purse and placed it next to his snoring wife. “Hopefully this will provide some remedy for my misguided trick,” he softly apologized as he closed the door to follow the duke’s men on their patrol.

For about an hour Vexx followed them at a distance, still invisible, until the three soldiers came across four rough-looking armed men huddled around a campfire. The pixie moved in closer to listen to the exchange.

“You there! Present yourselves to the duke’s men!” the ranking guardsman commanded.

The rogues ignored the order and continued cooking their quail on a stick.

The duke’s sentinel was annoyed, so he put his hand on the hilt of his longsword and repeated, “There has been a report of brigands on this highway, so leave your weapons on the ground, stand up, and prepare to be searched for stolen goods and contraband!”

The four bandits stood up. Two of them drew their short swords, another brandished twin daggers, and the fourth hefted a heavy spiked club. The duke’s men all tried to draw their longswords straightaway, but alas, they were stuck in their sheaths! Shocked at their predicament, the duke’s men backed up, struggling to break their weapons free.

Seeing their advantage, the rogue with the daggers threw one of his blades at the center sentinel sticking it through the guardsman’s leather armor just beneath his ribcage. The soldier wailed in pain and fell to the dusty ground.

“So much for my second prank...this is going to get ugly,” Vexx said as he blinked into existence above the fray. He gathered additional pixie dust as he flew to cast a third incantation, “Confusione summa!”

The confusion spell was indiscriminate affecting criminals and constabularies alike. All seven men began to be affected in some manner. Two of them stood inanimate, another wandered about randomly, one of the duke’s men fled, while the big brigand with the club picked a fight with one of his mates. He swung his great cudgel at the bloke with the dagger, who deftly dodged the attack. His club however scattered their campfire across the area and into his comrade’s face.

“Augh!” the bandit shouted, dropping his dagger and clutching at his eyes. The strewn embers quickly began lighting up multiple sections of the dry forest underbrush.

“What have I done?” cried Vexx, and he, like the lone guardsmen, fled the scene. Behind him, the Fey Wood began to burn uncontrollably. He looked to the cloudless sky and realized this third mistake was going to leave a serious mark.

For most of the afternoon he travelled upwind to avoid the conflagration he’d caused and eventually took solace near a small crystal clear lake at the outskirts of his now endangered Fey Woods. For a time he only sat in silence while finishing off his supply of walnuts and swearing off any future pranks. He’d all but given up on becoming a full pixie knight, until he unexpectedly heard some high-pitched voices.

Vexx discarded his empty belt pouch and moved closer to the edge of the shimmering pond. Once he’d crept close enough, he saw an astonishing and most marvelous site. Three elf maidens had disrobed on the shoreline and were bathing in the pond’s refreshing waters. Their giggles were charmingly alluring, their smiles were gracefully appealing, and their trim, well-endowed bodies were enchantingly exquisite. If he was only three or four feet taller he might have an outside chance at love with these three graces, but just then he had an impish idea.

“I might yet have my chance for a perfect practical prank,” he mused, as he prepared to cast his fourth spell of the day. Rather than reveal himself by stealing their clothing outright, he’d let the forest do it for him.

“Impediunt tenetis!” he recited, and the forest along the shore came alive. The vegetation grew unnaturally and extended vines to grasp anything in their reach. The elf lasses watched helplessly from the safety of the water as the entirety of their belongings were lifted into the waiting limbs of an ancient willow tree.

Once the entangle spell’s duration had expired and the forest was quiet once again, the silky elven dresses and sheer intimates were lodged at the top of the huge willow. The three naked elves stepped up on shore wondering how they’d retrieve their apparel, as Vex stayed hidden to enjoy the show. “This is going to be great, I’ll be a pixie knight for sure!” he eagerly thought.

First the frazzled females tried to climb the tree to retrieve their possessions, but after ascending to a certain point, they just couldn’t reach the final limb. Vexx tittered with delight as they continually tried and failed, but eventually they decided to give one another a boost. Twice they all three tumbled into the water, and the second time Vexx nearly lost it revealing his position. Fortunately he was able to hold back his mirth by covering his mouth, but unfortunately the splashing had attracted another observer.

As the nude beauties climbed out of the water for another attempt, they were confronted with a horrendous site. An enormous orcish hulk stood over them holding a jagged blackened broadsword, his bulging green muscles swelled beneath his mismatched body armor and drool dripped from his protruding tusks when he spoke, “Elf meat…meet orc meat!”

Two of them promptly dove back into the water and began frantically swimming, but the third was unable to escape the grapple of the lone orc scout. The monster tossed aside his weapon to more completely immobilize and aggressively grope his prey, but when he unbuckled his girdle, that was a bridge too far. Vexx made his move and swooped in behind the oversized brute.

The elf maiden screamed for help, cried for mercy, and shrieked in agony as the ruthless orc ravaged her, but fortuitously it all came to a sudden stop when Vexx drove his pig-sticker into the orc’s bare behind with a shout, “Four!” He bellowed the number because he’d failed to execute a proper prank four times, and four times they’d resulted in catastrophic consequences.

The orc let go of the violated maid and spun around with Vexx’s sword still embedded in his behind. She took the opportunity to flee across the lake with her friends, while the orc retrieved his black blade and hollered at the pixie, “Come down sprite! Come down and meet my blade!” He plucked the pixie’s penknife from his buttocks and tossed it into the lake.

Vexx remained out of range rather than engage the monster.

Eventually, the orc gave up on the little fairy and reattached his studded-leather girdle. “Goodbye little mosquito…just know…that tasty elf girl will birth a half-orc barbarian in nine months…or my name isn’t Gronkk!”

Vexx remained silent, but he furtively followed the orc at a safe distance. The sun was setting as he watched the beast enter a foul cavern. For quite a while he considered his options: he’d expended four critical spells, lost his weapon, and so far botched all of his chances to reach knighthood. He felt like he needed some kind of redemption, but he was resigned that he’d never pull off a prank that would impress his kin. “All my schemes have produced nothing but imprisonment, death, and destruction,” Vexx cursed, and then it hit him. Snapping his fingers he resolved, “If that is the case, then perhaps I should attempt one final destructive jest!”

As he approached the orc stronghold, he found himself reconsidering, “An invisibility, or sleep, or confusion, or even an entangle spell would come in pretty handy about now.”

He slinked his tiny form passed two half-drunken guards in the cave’s darkness and made his way into the main cavern; it was lit by a prodigious cooking fire and a multitude of greasy torches soaked in animal fat. When his eyes finally adjusted to the intense brightness, it revealed a dreadful state of affairs. In seven cages he counted the sum total of his pixie clan; even the High Consul was present! All of them were bound and gagged to restrict the pixies from employing magic, and even if they could speak, they couldn’t fly to produce the necessary pixie dust component anyway.

All of a sudden, one of the orcs near the cooking fire who picked his teeth with what looked like a tiny fibula made an announcement, “Lads! First course is served! Come and get it!”

Vexx recognized him as Gronkk, the savage orc scout; he also recognized what was upon the spit over the fire! Three roasted pixies! Vexx once again nearly lost it, giving up any chance to save his clan. Instead he briefly hovered to collect pixie dust for a final enchantment. Weaponless, he prayed this fifth time would be the charm and unleashed his final spell, “Formam sumpseris!”

The creature cleaning his grotesque tusks with the leg bone of one of his pixie clansmen promptly transformed into the spitting image of the naked elf maiden he’d recently deflowered. Needless to say, the pixie’s polymorph created an ensuing chaos which gave Vexx the necessary time to free each and every one of his tribe from captivity.

Vexx lingered with the High Consul as his clan fled back into what was left of the Fey Woods after the ill-fated fire. Squeals from the orc scout, as he was despoiled and debased again and again by his fellow warriors, was almost too unbearable to witness, but justice had finally been served.

“Vexx, I must commend you in your most practical of pranks. Once we return home, you shall be immediately promoted to Knight Errant of the Realm,” the High Consul proclaimed.

Thus ends the story of how young Vexx the pixie squire transformed from an impractical prankster to an esteemed errant.