7 comments

Funny

"Yo momma shaves and wears army boots!"

"Fkk you!"

"Learn how to spell, idiot!"

"Learn how to think, idiot! If you'd read the terms and conditions of this web site, you'd know certain language is not allowed here."

"What would you know about reading? You probably never made it past Dick and Jane in elementary."

"Careful, buddy! There was a swear word in what you just said...Oh yeah! That's right, you have to think in order to be careful. My bad."

"Yes, you are! Bad at everything. You SSSUCK!!"

"No, YOU suck!"

"Learn from the Master, kids! That there is a classic example of a poor fella who flunked childhood and still thinks his 5th-grade comebacks are genius."

"At least I made it past the 5th-grade!"

"And how much tutoring did that take?"

"Aren't you a little too small of a man to be using such big words?"

"Get a dictionary and look it up! I'll wait...Tick, tock, tick, tock..."

"The fact you have nothing better to do with your life than argue on here says it all!"

"Well LOOOOOK whose talking!"

"'Who's', idiot! Learn you're contractions!"

"How ironic! Preaching to me about contractions when you can't even use one correctly yourself! It must've taken one contraction too many for yo momma to have you, coz you sure came out stupid!"

"You're the stupid one! It's called sarcasm. LOOK INTO IT! I deliberately misused 'your', you dumb sh&t!"

"No you didn't! YOU just seriously ARE that dumb! You prob'ly one of them Cunning-Cuckoos, aren't ya? Just taking a wild guess."

"And you just gave yourself away as being a Lang-Lame-o! Ha ha! That explains everything."

"Lang is going to be the next POTUS! Suck it up and get used to it!"

"I think you misspelled every single letter of that name: It's C-U-N-N-I-N-G-H-A-M! It's okay. You've been under so much stress from getting your a%% kicked it makes sense that you'd get a bit confused. After all, your a%% is obviously where your brain is!"

"Oh, so fascism appeals to you, does it? 'Cause that's what this country's gonna become if your monkey-suited Hitler wins - which rest-assured, he won't!"

"And communism is OK, huh? 'Cause that's what your cue-ball-headed comrade is all about!"

"Guys, what does any of this have to do with that cat playing the xylophone?"

"Screw you!"

"No, SCREW YOU!"

"I was talking to her!"

"No you wasn't!!"

"Must be getting close to re-dosing time on your meds!"

"You must get terribly lonely living down there in your mom's basement! What do you do when you're not online attacking people? I'm picturing a fridge full of decapitated animal heads in jars or something!"

"At least my mom don't shave and wear army boots!"

"Who taught you that one, your great-grandpa? You do realize that line stopped being funny like 60 EFFING YEARS AGO...Right?"

"You do realize how EFFING ANNOYING and unoriginal this 'RIIIGHT' thing is in the year 2020...RIIIGHT?"

"I know...RIIIGHT? Well DEAL WIT IT!!! 'Cause you're gonna be seeing a lot more of it if you keep arguing with me!"

"You know, this whole mess could be over with if you'd just be man enough to admit you're wrong and apologize. But you're not even man enough to come out from behind that screen!"

"And you are?"

"You bet I am!"

"And just how to you propose to prove it?"

"Tell me what town you live in and name the location! I WILL PERSONALLY TRAVEL THERE TO REARRANGE YOUR FACE!!!"

"RUSSETBORO!"

"Russetboro, Idaho?"

"Yep."

"HOLY SH#T, dude! Did you ever pick the wrong person to mess with! That's where I live!"

"Are you SERIOUS?! You're kidding, right? If you live in Russetboro, you must originally be from somewhere else, cuz NO native of THIS town could be as god-d$mn stupid as you!"

"THAT'S IT! IT'S ON NOW, PAL!!!! I'm assuming you know where the old mall is? If you don't, have a GPS take you there by your Sissy hand. Meet me in the parking lot in an hour!"

"HOPE YOU WEREN'T PLANNING ON DOING ANYTHING THE REST OF THE DAY BESIDES LAY THERE AND BLEED!!!"

"OH, I AM! AM I EVER!!! I'M GONNA SPEND THE REST OF IT POSTING PICS OF YOUR SORRY, PUNY, MANGLED EXCUSE FOR A BODY FOR THE WORLD TO SEE!!!"

"ONE HOUR!!! BY THE SNOW CONE STAND!!!"

"FINE!!!"

"BE THERE!!!"

"I WILL!!!"

***

A half-crushed aluminum can clanked to-and-fro, meandering in a rough, diagonal line from one corner of the bruised, aged, sun-welted asphalt to the other. Each metallic, sporadic gust-driven bounce could easily be someone's step. The tiny white building, with its fluorescent, grinning clown face painted on the side, was as alive with vibes of unfortunate luck as it was dead for business. Some kind of bird - vulture maybe - could be seen in the distance, nibbling at what looked like the remains of a poor, dead animal lying near a speed bump. A gust here and there carried the scent in lashes of olfactory torment, discouraging the presence of anyone at this neglected suburban location.

No, it was definitely a human's step this time! He recognized that abrupt, rubbery sneaker squeak. It was the same sound he heard from his own shoes every time one of them pushed against the ground a little too hard causing air to leak from the soles. Several seconds later, he heard it again. 

One hour. It had been an exact sixty minutes since all those rage-inflated threats had been made. It had to be him! It was time. He gritted his vibrating teeth, and everything but the perimeter of the building blacked out of consciousness. There it was again! Getting closer.

He eased himself backwards, clinging to the wooden siding the best his pale-knuckled hands would allow - knees bent, head sunken down into his shoulders. Thoughts of how nice and cozy home was chiseled at him. But there was no turning back. He'd gotten himself into this mess, and now he would have to try to find a way to get himself out.

While looking straight ahead, scheming to find the right words to say - all the while continuing to retreat from the location of the sound of that last step - a jarring sensation halted him. The warmth of body heat caused him to whirl around with a leap in the air and a shriek. 

The whites of both boys' eyes dominated their delicate faces. They jumped away from each other - each with convulsing Adam's apples in their throats. Both were developing "raccoon" circles around their ivory orbs from the brief amount of time they'd spent in the sun awaiting this decisive altercation. Both stood at around five feet, two inches tall, when not hunched over as they were now. Both weighed about one hundred, twenty pounds counting clothing and gear. The can of pepper spray the one held out rattled with viciousness as he battled to steady its aim above the other's bulletproof vest.

In gradual increments, the ice began to melt away from the moment. The can lowered, their respective survival stances loosened, and they found themselves slapping their knees in disbelief. When their insides couldn't take anymore laughter, they paused to allow reality to catch up.

"Real name's Edgar," the one with the mace said.

"Mine's Stewart," the one in the vest replied.

"Look...I...a...I'm sorry about everything I said. I promise I'm not normally like this. You just caught me in the middle of a really bad day."

"No worries, bro. But just so you know: It happens my mom really does 'wear army boots' - well, Air Force to be precise - she's stationed at Mountain Home air base right now."

"Dude, that is so cool! And I am so sorry I made that dumb remark. Was that what set you off?"

"Yeah, I guess it sorta was."

"Well tell her thanks for her service to the country next time you see her!"

"I'll do that."

As they shook hands, a vehicle pulled up beside the building and a lady wearing a polka-dotted face mask got out.

"Well, since we're here, c'mon I'll buy us a snow cone," Edgar offered as the window to the stand slid open.

"OK, I'll take you up on that," Stewart replied. "Make mine blue raspberry and coconut."

"Holy crap, that's my favorite too!"

July 14, 2020 21:43

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7 comments

Greg Gorman
20:52 Dec 08, 2020

Starting with a "Yo Momma" joke. That's mature. I'm thinking these are 30-year-olds in an internet chat room. Then again, does anyone use those anymore? Speaking of maturity. "You suck!" "No! YOU suck!" Gamers? I'm trying to figure out who this is. Then the argument goes on politics. Maybe an election. This was written last summer. It would make perfect sense that there is an argument over whose candidate is better. Who are these people? You start right in the middle of an argument. No backstory. The reader just gets caught up right in the m...

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Gip Roberts
21:45 Dec 08, 2020

Thanks for reading and reviewing this, Greg. I was inspired to write the story by having read actual comment sections on web sites like "Yahoo!" and "Youtube". I've seen arguments between two people (old-school chat rooms included) that were every bit as heated and ridiculous as the one in the story. So I thought: "What would happen if these two guys actually met each other in person as a result of the escalation?" And I wanted the lesson to be about how we're all more alike than we think, if that makes sense. The two boys were secretly s...

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Kathy Roberts
22:10 Jul 25, 2020

A lot of times people are very different in person than on the internet. These two probably became good friends after meeting. It's funny that they both turned out to be small in size.I enjoyed this story. I think Avalee gave you some good advice.

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Gip Roberts
19:34 Jul 26, 2020

Thanks for reading. Yes, that was good advice and I always appreciate any I receive from both readers and writers. Readers know what they want in a story and writers have experience in delivering it.

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Raquel Rodriguez
20:00 Jul 24, 2020

Hello, Gip! I'm here from the critique circle. So, I like this story! I like the 'The whites of both boys' eyes dominated their delicate faces.' Now, my advice would be: Don't include so much dialogue in the beginning. No offense, but even though it was kind of funny at times, I sort of wanted to skip through some of the dialogue. Like, I know it's an argument, but while the characters are arguing, try to include a bit about them too. I also felt like the boys' personalities were so similar. Maybe you could make them a bit more ...

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Gip Roberts
21:20 Jul 24, 2020

Hi, Avalee. I was starting to wonder if anyone from that critique circle was ever going to take on one of my stories. Comments mean so much more to me than likes, so thank you for taking the time to do this. I get what you're saying about the dialogue, and I had thought about that while writing it. I probably should have begun with backstory about the two boys instead of jumping right into their argument. In this story, I wanted to make the point that two people who hate each other so much from a distance can turn out to be so much al...

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Raquel Rodriguez
21:31 Jul 24, 2020

Thank you! Have a nice day, Gip! I'm looking forward to seeing some more of your stories.

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