Broken Verses

His eyes spoke it all. The warmth, the lust, and the innocence in his feeling spoke everything.

In all these 15 years, I was lying to myself.

 It's high time now, I have to break my life to complete my dreams.

I called Tanya, she was my lawyer. She covered all the cases that were against me.

My name was more on high profile cases rather than on educational degrees.

And all I had done this was for Aryaman. I loved him 15 years back and I still love him now, but in all these years I forgot to love myself.

Tanya, please pick up the phone, it has taken a lot of courage for me to make this call.

Click! She picks up the phone.

“ Hey. So Roxxane a new case is filed against you, again?” I could sense humor in her tone.

“I want you to make papers.”

“Papers about what,” she asks.

I take a long breath, integrate my thoughts, and say

“Divorce papers.”

“What?”

“You heard me right. I want the divorce papers for me and Aryaman.”

“Have you gone nuts Roxanne.” has she lost her professional touch?

“I have come to you for murder, corruption, extortion, and all sort of cases. But you think I have gone nuts just because I asked you to prepare for divorce papers.” I talk in despair.

“I’m sorry Roxanne, I think the election pressure and its results have made you anxious.”

“Tanya, I know what I want. In these last 15 years, I never did what I felt I needed to do. And I want to do what is needed.” I say.

“So have you talked to Aryaman?”

“Can you please make the fucking papers?” I shout

“OK!OK!, I will make the papers by evening. But all I want to say.” I don't have the strength to listen to anyone’s advice now. The anger inside me is ragging on, I throw my phone on the wall and, it blows out into many shreds.

And I cry aloud, the pain inside me demands to be felt. And as usual, I cry alone.

After an hour I integrate myself and my emotions and call Aryaman. He picks up the phone immediately.

“Hey, babe I was about to call you.”

“Yeah, why?” Why do you love me?

“So, I saw the pre-poll election result, and we are winning by a huge margin. All the campaigns and deals helped us.”

I say “ Aryaman I want to talk to you in person.”

“Yeah, come to my office. I will show you the results.”

“Is everything in your life about elections, parties, and power.'' where do I stand in your life? Do I have value in your life?”

“What happened, babe?” I hear the concern in his voice.

“I’m coming to the office.” and I cut the call.

All I have to do is stand up for myself. I think to drive the car by myself. And from our garage, I choose Volkswagon Beetles car. This car was not just a vehicle for me, but it was a nostalgia box. In college, I and Aryaman used to hang out in this. It was our favorite make-out spot too. I remember my college days so well. Aryaman was so gorgeous at that time, his hair made me fall in love at first. In the beginning, everything was so teenagish, we shared everything about ourselves with each other.

It was so good. I remember those days when we used to spend our days hugging, crying, and kissing each other. He was always beside me, whenever I cried. But now I think I’m the least important subject in his life. And I didn’t sign up for his over-ambitious dream, achievements, and crimes. In all these years the only thing I did was to take up his mistakes and crime over my name, without any conditions.

I hear a loud honk, I was at his office now.

I enter his office and walk to the receptionist.

“I want to talk to Aryaman” I shout

Silence overpowers the office, everybody is astonished.

“Is he free?” I ask by waving my arms in the air. She is startled and in a frantic motion goes through a logbook.

“Sir is having a meeting now. But if it's emergency I will call immediately.” and picks up the receiver of the phone.

“No, need I will wait.”

I see people spying on me with their eyes. I press my temples and try to gulp down my tears.

This all wouldn’t have happened if Aryaman hadn’t kept the party. Dev was my assistant for the last 6 months, and these last months was a huge toll on me. Elections, rallies, polls, funding, and everything. So on the last day of the rally, he decided to throw a party for his electoral members. Everybody was enjoying, gossiping, and doing non-political stuff. I was standing at the corner, watching Aryaman.

“Would you like a glass of wine.” I jumped, it was Dev.

“yeah sure,” I take it.

“Mam I left the papers on your table.”

“What papers.”

“I’m resigning.”

“Why?”

‘Because…’’ I see his fingers shivering and his lip quivering.

“Cause I couldn’t work around you, I’m in love with you. And it’s a daily struggle to suppress my emotions and restrain myself. I have never been in love and when I see you I get crazy.”

“Are you okay, Dev?’’ I see his breath getting shallower and his heart pacing.

“Just don’t kill me, over it,” he says with so much innocence in his eyes. And we both laugh.

I let him go, but that day I realized that in these last 15 years Aryaman never understood my value. In these last years, he never said to me “I love you.”

All he would talk about was work and putting my name in his dirty business.

“Mam, Mam” I lift my head.

“You can meet sir.”

He's sitting on the table, maybe surprised about my behavior.

 He sees me and says "Hey babe what happened?"

"Do you love me?" I ask him first.

"Of course I do,"

 "Then when did you become so selfish. Do you remember what was yesterday?"

His face goes expressionless.

"It was my mother's death anniversary."

"Yeah, you know the election pressure."

I interrupt him"This is your behavior for the last 15 years. Have you ever thought about what I go through these cases, that you put on me to save your place?"

He replies "Everything will be ok after the election."

"It won't Aryaman because you have changed in all these years. You don't love me anymore. You know I used to write before our marriage" I ask. He nods.

"Have you ever asked about it, you knew my dream was to write a novel. Have you ever asked whether I'm working on it? Have you ever cared about my dreams and feelings?"

"I'm sorry Rox."

"You're sorry won't work because I don't have any importance in your life. Have you ever thought about what humiliation and anxiety I go through the cases? All you could care about was your image. Have you ever asked me about my feelings?"

"Rox give me some time, I will make up to you." he has tears in his eyes.

"No the time has gone, I want divorce from you."

He goes into shock.

"No, you won't have you thought about its consequences? Have you thought about my image?''

"So all you care about is your image and work. What about the sacrifices I made for you. I left my college, my family, my dreams for you and all you care about is yourself"

Then the phone rings on his table he immediately picks it up.

"Yes, confirm it," he says.

"Rox I have an important meeting for our party fund, can we talk about it later"

He kisses my head and goes to open the door.

I won't divorce you if you cancel the meeting."

He turns around "Are you joking?"

"No, I'm not," I say in a stern voice.

"It's important to me, you know that," he replies.

"Ok, the papers will be ready."

And he turns to leave, I stop him by saying.

"By the way Aryaman you don't need this." I point towards our photo on the table.

He frowns at me.

I pick it up and I don't what comes in me, I throw the photo towards his face. And smash it hits him on his forehead.

I walk out of the office.

After a few days of unpacking, I sign up for college. I enrolled myself in English honors. It was my childhood dream to be a writer, And I'm going to pursue it. I haven't picked his phone, but I care about him. I'm working on my incomplete memoirs and novels.

And I'm in the idea of writing a new book on love and self-worth.

I'm working as a columnist in the New York Times. And I say that I'm breathing my life without any guilt.