I will tell you now that in this world, there is no love. But because there is no love, there is also no pain. In this world, the moon sits in the sky during mornings and the sun shines in the night. In this world, you are not walking away with your blonde ringlets and cold, clear eyes. In this world, I do not love you because, in this world, you do not exist.
I am now walking in this world to the usual coffee shop we go to. The moonlight is bright enough to light my way there without the help of streetlights. It is white and full this morning and looks like the pearls that sit between your lips when you smile. This world is meant for remembering, but I cannot remember the rest of your face only your smile.
When I arrive at the coffee shop in this world, the shop says 'Closed'. I enter. Everything is closed in this world, but you can always enter. Isn’t that right, darling? I order your usual drink but the cup comes to me empty. I leave.
Usually, when we leave the shop you hold a donut in your dainty hands. You marvel at the smooth, sugary glaze before sinking your moons into its flesh. You finished the donut, but you left me its hole. In this world, you are not here. There is no sweetness and there is no glaze. There is no hole. Again, I try to think about your face, but it comes to me as blurs. This world is meant for remembering, but why can I not remember?
It is interesting how it is not difficult to sleep at night when the sun is glaring down at me. The last nights before you left were the worst. I tossed and turned in the darkness left by your shadow. But in this world, the sun warms me and I drift into a peaceful slumber. In this world, there is no darkness and there is no shadow. But why can I no longer sleep in this world?
In this world, the day you left was the day that the sun rose in the west at night and set in the east in the morning. I wish to live in this world forever, but yet, I cannot. I cannot remember, and there is pain. The hole is still there. The moon and your shadow still keep me up at night. But I will tell you now that what is the same between our home and this world is that there is no love. I created this world because you wanted to live in it. But in this world, your shadow no longer walks here.
When I open my eyes, it is dark outside, but I try to think of you again, but it hurts. You no longer exist. I look around but I am unsure of where I am. It is a laboratory of sorts but I remember falling asleep in my room. My arms are bound and so are my legs. My head is held still by some sort of contraption from the glimpse I caught of it in the dark of the windows near me. I look at the window again.
"You are awake," says a disembodied voice.
I do not see any figure in the room with me from the window’s reflection.
"Who are you?" I ask.
"You do not remember my voice?" questions the voice.
It sounds like a woman. The voice seems to surround me and come from every corner of the room. My eyes wander but to no avail. The voice sounds a little like you, but I know it is not you.
"No," I answer. Should I?
"Good." Her voice suggests that she is smiling.
Her last word hangs in the air until it is replaced with something sliding open, causing a gust of wind that raises goosebumps on my exposed ankles. I shiver involuntarily. I hear footsteps from behind me and feel myself stiffen. They stop by my head where my line of sight does not reach, but I can see their reflection behind mine on the window. I stare hard at the woman in a white coat. She is tiny with clear eyes and golden ringlets that cascade from the top of her head. She fixes the angle of the smart-looking glasses that are perched on top of her slightly upturned nose.
"Who are you?" I ask again.
"You should know," she says.
She sounds amused.
"Do you know where you are?" she then asks.
I open my mouth, but no words come out. Where am I? I purse my lips.
"This world," I finally answer, but I know my answer sounds ridiculous.
She confirms my fears by chuckling.
I thought she found this situation amusing but when I see her eyes, there is sadness. She sighs.
"Do you remember one of the last things you thought about before you woke up?" she tries again.
I think. Suddenly, I remember, and at the same time, my restraints loosen and fall. Every time I enter the world I created for her, I forget everything else for a while when I first return.
"Emily," I say.
A small smile appears on her lips. "Nice to have you back."
My sister waits for me to rise, but I do not.
"I created this world," I whisper and turn my head to the side to look out the window.
"Yes, with your mind," she says.
"With my mind…" I repeat quietly.
"For her," she finishes.
"For her," I repeat, "but it does not exist…"
All the memories come to me at once. Tyra returns to my mind but still, her face is missing. I can still only recall her eyes and smile. There were five of us that left on the ships to the New World. Mother had separated us to raise the chances of us arriving safely. Her and Tyra's ship crashed into a star that was not detected by her ship's sensors until it was too late; the pilots were careless. Father had to leave first because of his work. His ship survived but upon its arrival, he was missing. Our ship was damaged as well, but we were lucky. There were injuries, some minor some severe, but all of us are alive. My sister and I were of the less fortunate who suffered severe injuries. Brain trauma they called it. I still cannot properly recall the image of our youngest sister, Tyra. Neither can Emily. Our Mother and Father are also a blur but at least with Tyra, I still remember her smile and her eyes. But why can I not put her whole image together? I am beginning to mix her up with Emily but I know they do not look alike.
They told us that technology was the answer to everything but why couldn’t it help me remember Tyra? They told me to try to recreate her with my mind; I couldn’t. I created this world to try to remember you. This world that you wanted to live in because of all that you had suffered because of something you truly loved—our home. But instead, this world is slowly stripping me of my memories of you in my attempt to recreate you. In this world, there is no love and no pain, but there is also no you. You wanted to live in a world different from our home; one where the sun sets in the east and rises in the west, but where we are now, there is no sun and there is no moon, and there is no you. We're still far from our destination but we know that once we arrive, Emily and I and everyone aboard this ship, the sun will not rise in the east and set in the west there. There will be no sun at all. But there may be a moon or many moons that will resemble the pearls hidden behind your lips, and the clouds may part like your lips and reveal the moon like your smile then maybe I will remember you better. But until then, I will always hold onto your smile and this world you wanted to live in where the sun rises in the east at night and sets in the west by day.