41 comments

Crime Fiction Mystery

I turn the rusty, antique knob to the heavy, mahogany door, noticing the intricate engravings. I remember Percy telling me about the door, it was a "gift from an international colleague". Another colleague I’ve never met. Amin told me I was crazy for trusting him. He said “men will be men Amara, he’s cheating on you. You’ve never even visited his workplace.” Amin's a great brother, however at times, he can somewhat overbearing. It's not his fault, he's used to it. Our parents passed away when he was 12 and I was 5. He's raised me ever since.


Maybe that’s why I’m so close with my in laws. My friends are always surprised at the relationship I have with Percy’s mother, but she’s practically my own mother. When we got engaged, she bought matching diamond bracelets for us. Her and Percy were never close, so she was anxious to parent someone.


"He’s no good for you" Amin always says,

I tell him that I trust Percy, he’s never given me a reason not to. Plus, he’s such a romantic. I remember earlier this morning when he surprised me with this trip. 


“I know I’ve been really busy with work lately, so I’ve borrowed a cabin from my boss. He’s letting us stay there for a few weeks.”

I remember looking at him weirdly, my eyes filled with questions. Why would his boss let us stay at his cabin, I’d never even met him, and why was Percy allowed so much time away from work. He was a businessman, weren't they supposed to always be working?

Sensing all of my concerns, he said,


“I’ve been working really hard, and my boss acknowledges that. He knows how hard it’s been for you and me to be apart for so long. Think of it like a reward for the best employee.”


I was still confused, but anxious to spend some time alone with Percy, I agreed. Suddenly, I had an epiphany and I remembered that we were supposed to have dinner with his parents tonight,

“What about dinner?”

He looked down at his black shoes, gulped and said,

“They won’t be expecting us tonight”.

“Okay” I said, beaming, knowing that it would have been the same as every other night. Percy's father would whisk him away to a dark room and I would be sent home alone. I didn't think anything of the averted eye contact, as Percy and his parents had always been distant, but lately tensions had been high.


He was coming to the cabin straight after work and told me to come by myself earlier to get settled in. I took the bus so we could drive back together, but it only goes so far. I had to walk over a mile in the snow to reach the isolated cabin. I was annoyed at first, but it was so beautiful outside, that I enjoyed my time walking, slowly, alone, humming to myself while quietly contemplating life, not a sign of breath anywhere, except the visible puffs coming from myself.


I thought about life, friends, family, Amin. He’s been so secretive and busy lately. I miss him.


I saw the cabin ahead and sped up. It was grand and breathtaking. As I walk in, I glance up at the high ceilings, the spiral staircase, and breathe in the luxuriousness of the aura. The interior looks warm, and yet, I feel a shiver course through my body. The cabin is sprawlingly spacious, odd for an interior so woodsy. I struggle to close the heavy door, questioning if there was another material present, and glance down at my watch. 5:30. The long walk had delayed me by half an hour, I only had 30 minutes before Percy got here.


I feel goosebumps creeping up my arms and decide to find the heating dial. My icy fingers sweep the smoothly, cold logged wall, and I finally brush against it but turn the knob in vain, for I remember something Percy had said earlier,

“It’ll be so perfect. Just you and me, no distractions.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the cabins been in my boss’ family for generations. When he inherited it, he didn’t want to change anything about it.”

I looked at him, questions forming on my lips. Exasperated, he reluctantly told me, 

“Well, there’s no electricity”

He looked at me, hesitantly, scared I would react. I just looked into his piercing blue eyes and gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

“You’re not upset?”

“Of course not, why would I marry you, if I didn’t want to be with you. It’ll just be us and no distractions.”

He gave me the biggest smile of relief, his dimples coming out of hiding, and I could see the love in his eyes. I can't wait to see him, my one, my love, my only.


I look back down at my watch, 5:35. The cabin is huge, rustic. Beautiful brown wood every way my head turns. I decide to hold off exploring until Percy gets here, it can be an adventure for both of us, and I instead try to find our room.


I walk up the creaky stairs and go to the door directly ahead, it’s exactly like Percy described. A four poster bed with maroon sheets and oak furniture. A floor length mirror with a gold frame and a palatial lamp on the nightstand table. I put down my bags on the dark wood floor and look at the planks, perfectly straight. Except for one.


I almost miss it, but my analytical brain won't let me. I bend down and look at it, a weak gasp leaves my mouth. It’s slightly raised. I know it’s probably nothing, but I bend down and try to lift it.


It comes up, and behind it, a hollow space. It’s too dark to see anything so I take out my phone and swipe for the flashlight. I turn my head parallel to the floor and drop down to peer inside. I find nothing. Just like I thought, why would there be anything?


My passion for adventure and mystery tells me to double check, so to be safe, I sweep my hand across the bottom of the space. My fingers graze against a small smooth surface, different from the wood backing. A slip of paper. I take out the inch long scrap of paper and there’s nothing except a singular black dot right in the centre. 


How odd, I think, but it's obviously nothing. Just a scrap of paper that fell, who know's how long ago. I raise my hand to look at my fingers and there's a barely noticeable stain. Nothing, it was nothing, ink transfers even when it's old. I shake my head to rid it of the wild thoughts circling around inside, drop the plank down and head to the kitchen. I open the cupboards and find them filled with food, same with the fridge. I decide to make a surprise romantic dinner and get started. I tie up my hair, wash the greens, chop them up, and turn the oven on. I soon get lost in the rhythm of cooking and the next time I check my watch, it’s 6:20.


Percy was supposed to arrive 20 minutes ago I think to myself. Maybe he got caught up at work, but in my heart I know it's not true, he was impatient to get here, to get away. I look anxiously toward the table and know that if he doesn’t show up soon, the food’s going to get cold. I go look for a window before I remember that there are none. Percy told me to not get freaked out by that, but it’s weird. Why wouldn’t a cabin have windows? I look solemnly at the 100 pound door I’m going to have to open and make my way there. I open it and look outside. The frigid temperature scares me and my ears sting with the piercing sound of the wind. When suddenly, none of it matters.


For then, I see Percy. Lying there in front of me, with a single black hole in the back of his head. I scream out and drop to my knees. Terror courses through me, with so many questions in my head, I feel as though I’m about to burst.


How? He was a businessman. Who would shoot him? Why?

Through the terror and confusion, somehow my mind becomes perfectly clear. I look back at the clues, everything I ignored,

"Wait, so does Percy work with his father?"

I asked after a late night at Percys parents, when him and his father were working for hours in a locked room. It was the first of many identical nights I would experience, but at the time, I wasn't aware.

"Percy works with a friend of his fathers. They're practically partners. It's like he's working in a department of his father's business"

"Remind me what they do again..."

"Oh honey, I couldn't tell you. He doesn't bore me with that stuff, and I advise you to not let Percy either."


I think back to the times I'd enter a room filled with Percy's colleagues and at once, conversation would cease. The constant locked doors and rooms I was told to stay out of. Acting secretive and annoyed whenever I would ask about the family fortune. Dinner parties at a colleague's house that would end with me leaving alone, accompanied by a chauffeur so Percy could continue working late into the night. But, I ignored it, everything. I knew he loved me, there was never anyone else and that was enough.


Mysterious people I'd never heard about showing up to our house for meetings. Calls from across the world after he'd hopped on another unplanned flight. Everything was always right in front of me, but that never changed how I felt about him. Nothing could. I loved him, and now he was gone, leaving me defenceless and alone.


I look behind me at the open door and know that I have to get inside. But I can’t leave him out here. I need him with me.


I try to drag his heavy body back with me, but I can’t. Those never-ending days at the gym amounted to nothing, nothing when it really matters. I continue pulling and I finally get him inside. But I know, I still have to close that behemoth of a door.


I stand up and push against it with every ounce of strength left in my body, but not before I hear a whizzing sound. Pain. Sharp, excruciating, boundless pain. I look down and there’s a gaping hole in my thigh. Sickeningly bright, red blood rushes out of me, like lava out of a volcano, and I know I don’t have long. I push with all my might to close the door, but not before I feel a fresh shot of agonizing discomfort. I look down and there’s a new hole. Right in the middle of my stomach.


I collapse to the ground, over Percy, my body unable to support me any longer. I hang on to every second I can, and reach over to look into Percy’s sharp blue eyes during my final seconds. I’m quickly losing all senses, when I hear footsteps. I see a familiar hand, small, petite, and ornamented with something shiny.

“You idiot, she wasn’t betraying us. She didn’t even know what he did.”

I hear the woman with the hand retch out a great big glob of spit, and see it land on Percy.

“Filthy”

“But boss, you said no loose ends”

“That doesn’t mean to kill everyone you see. She was... different” My mind races trying to figure out who is speaking. I use my last ounce of strength to lift my head up and see.


My heart races when I finally realize who it is.

"Why?"

"WHY? Oh honey, you couldn't possibly understand. See, Percy, he, well, he became deranged god rest his soul, he put you before business and well, that's not how it works. All he talked about was getting out for you-


For me. My heart suddenly overwhelms with passion and I know that I am ready to go, for I have fulfilled my purpose here. I found my one, and he found me. Everything else is insignificant.


-and so, he slipped up. Oh sweetie, why did you look up? I liked you, you were sweet, the daughter I never had, but now I have to finish you off.”

I see her wrinkly hand raise a cocked gun aimed at my head when suddenly, I hear a loud sound.


The woman in front of me, my own husbands mother is falling. Her neck is covered in thick, red, liquid, eyes bulging in shock as her soul leaves her body. Another loud bang, this time accompanied by a weasel shriek before a light thud.


I hear a man agilely make his way through the snow. Every step bringing him closer. When finally, after what feels like an eternity, the man plants his feet beside me, and lifts me into his arms. My face is hot with tears and my clothes are stained with blood. But he doesn’t care. With eyes full of compassion, understanding, and hurt, he gruffly whispers,

“Well, little sis, I did tell you Percy was no good for you, if only you would have listened,”

January 22, 2021 01:36

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41 comments

Natalie Dafoe
02:12 Jan 22, 2021

Hello! I’ll jump right into the feedback here as I read :) You said the main character had a really good relationship with Percy’s mother, yet dinner would have been awkward? Maybe ensure consistency on that front, because you said they had always been distant and also that she always showered them with gifts. Also watch your tense, you start from the beginning in past (“I almost missed it”) yet transition to present (“I bend down”) it’s something small, I make the mistake all the time and it passes by super easy. For dialogue, you commo...

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Nyla N
02:35 Jan 22, 2021

Thank you so much Lara! I enjoyed every single piece of your feedback and made changes right away! You're 100% right with how I should add more backstory about the mother and I think I've done it now. It could definitely use more fine tuning but wow thanks! I'll definitely be sure to read more of your stories and leave really good feedback as well! You've helped me a ton! :)

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Hi Janey! This story was amazing! I love this story! P.S. Are you getting downvoted? Because I did a calculation and it seems that you are supposed to have around 108 points. I'll try to upvote as many comments as I can ^^

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Nyla N
03:03 Jan 27, 2021

Awwww thanks sooo much! And yikes, I wonder who would do that? I didn’t even realize! Thanks so much for trying to upvote me! You’re so kind!! :)

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It's alright! I just don't like downvoters, they ruin our hard work 😒😒.

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Nyla N
03:07 Jan 27, 2021

agreed! What even posses someone to just be mean for no reason? Also, it’s getting kind of late for me, but just letting you know, I’m gonna read some of your stories tomorrow!!! :)

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Awww ok then!! Goodnight! (It is still 1:10 here) Also, you don't have to check my stories if you don't have time!

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Nyla N
03:10 Jan 27, 2021

Ooh, it’s nearing 10:10 PM here! Also omg, no don’t worry, of course I’m going to! :)

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Zenny Melody
01:20 Jan 23, 2021

Holy this is good. I absolutely loved how the pacing stayed consistent through to the end, and the little details about the house and the black boots Percy was wearing made me feel a like something was off. Your descriptions were also on point, especially when it came to capturing the overall feeling and mood. Some advise I can give you would be to read the story out loud (I know this has already been said but it doesn't hurt to repeat). There were some parts where I had to read twice or more just to understand what was being said. Also you...

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Nyla N
17:43 Jan 23, 2021

Wow thanks so much!! I’ll definitely use find and replace to take out some of the words I use to often! Could you give me an example of where it was too confusing? (Just so I know for future if there’s specific parts I need to reread) And thanks so much! I just read one of your stories and left some feedback :)

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Zenny Melody
00:44 Jan 25, 2021

I just gave it a read through again after 24 hours and uhh... I couldn't find anything confusing where I previously did. Funny how that works. (unless you edited it during that time frame?)

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Nyla N
01:58 Jan 25, 2021

Haha, I honestly probably did. Or maybe, it's something that's only confusing the first time you read it when you don't know the character or what happens. Regardless, thanks so much for taking the time to re-read and even read in the first place! :)

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Zenny Melody
02:31 Jan 25, 2021

Hehe no problem! I absolutely love helping people and reading stories on here (though I unfortunately don't do it as much as I want to)

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Nyla N
02:35 Jan 25, 2021

Ya! I totally get what you mean! I wish I had more time to read and read and read because everyone on here is so talented! Unfortunately I still have to sleep, eat, and attend school! :( Haha!

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Beth Connor
21:57 Jan 22, 2021

What an excellent debut story! The pacing felt right, and I loved the twist at the end. Some of the best advice I can pass on is to read your stories out loud. It will help catch when sentences don't flow quite right, and when you overuse a pronoun or word. Secondly, keep writing. A lot. Don't be afraid to try something new or different, or to "fail" (I say this in quotation marks because creative people have a tendency to be really hard on themselves! Those moments when things don't go just right are when we grow the most) Now that m...

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Nyla N
00:13 Jan 23, 2021

Thanks so much! I will definitely use all of your advice! It means a lot to me that an experienced writer such as yourself says that it's okay to 'fail' because that is something I often fear. I always try to get it just perfect but I'll definitely try things now, even when I'm scared! And no! Don't shut up! I loved the philosophy lesson, it's really encouraged me a lot! And thanks so much, I can't wait to write more!

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H L McQuaid
19:54 Jan 22, 2021

Congrats on your first short story! There's definitely stuff to work with here. And since you asked for my critique, I hope you take it in the spirit it was given. Before I get to the nitty gritty, just an overall commentary. As a few others have noted, you could get to the action a bit sooner, by condensing some of the background/exposition. I totally understand this is a work in progress, and you're editing on the fly, taking some good advice from the Reedsy folks, so you've probably not had time to tinker. Now to the nitty gritty. ...

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Nyla N
20:38 Jan 22, 2021

Wow thanks so much! I love all your feedback and I wholeheartedly agree. With the balsa wood, to be honest, I searched up what is the heaviest wood in the world, but I took it out of context because the site I visited said it was the strongest for its weight, not the heaviest! I didn’t realize until just now. I was also trying to allude that it was bulletproof or something which was why it was heavier than not normal wood, but re reading my story, it’s not that clear for other people. Thanks for taking so much time out to help me so much! I’...

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H L McQuaid
20:44 Jan 22, 2021

Great. I didn't want to give the impression that I was writing it for you. Some of the best feedback I've had is when someone red-lines my work and suggests improvements. It's not so easy to red-line on this site, and explaining my rationale for each change would be tedious with text (much easier with a phone call, for example), so I tried to show how I would change it--but of course that's my style not yours, and the story should defo be in your style. :)

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Nyla N
20:52 Jan 22, 2021

Thanks! And no, don't worry. I know you weren't trying to write it for me. That's just how I talk sometimes. I was trying to say that I loved the way you wrote it, and I wish I had thought of it! It sounds so polished and professional! And ya definitely, it's a lot easier to just show, but don't worry, I saw the difference and I'm working on it and will remember to keep an eye out for it in the future!

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Michael Boquet
14:43 Jan 22, 2021

This story is amazing. Awesome character development that all ties into the the narrative. Great set up and I love the tension toward the end. My only critique is, I think the story would have been stronger if you'd put her finding Percy and then getting shot at the very end. You could have had all her reflections/ realizations on what Percy does for a living earlier. Like, her justifying that he's late because of work, then going into detail about the secret meetings, etc.. I just think that rearrangement would have made for a more satisfyi...

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Nyla N
14:55 Jan 22, 2021

Wow thanks so much! I completely agree and I just updated it! The rearrangement definitely makes a difference! And thanks so so much! It means a lot! :)

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02:34 Jan 22, 2021

Wow, Janey! This story was awesome! You were able to keep up the suspense, which is sometimes hard to do. Have you written short stories before? If this is your first story, it is REALLY good. And if it isn’t your first story, I would really love to read the others! I was wondering what her brother’s purpose in the story was. Why introduce a character if you’re not going to make them have a purpose? But I wasn’t expecting her brother to save her. It surprised me, and I loved it. The only mistakes I saw were some small grammatical mistakes,...

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Nyla N
02:41 Jan 22, 2021

Wow thanks so much Katie! It actually is my first short story! And definitely, the word limit is quite annoying. I wasn't quite sure how to explain the brother's presence without giving away the ending, but I'll definitely think of ways to do so. I just really wanted a twist! I'm so glad you're looking forward to more of my stories and I'll be sure to keep you posted! I'll also make sure to check out more of your stories and leave more feedback as well because you are an amazing writer. Thanks so much :)

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22:34 Jan 24, 2021

Whoa...what...I can't process what I just read!! Janey this was amazing!!! I have some feedback...so here ya go! 1. Omg your description was amazing! It sort of activates the reader's senses to feel, hear, smell and see all that the character is sensing. 2. One thing you might want to go back and do next time is just read over a few more times to look for tiny grammar mistakes. Nothing large, but stuff like adding a comma where it's needed, or adding a hyphen between in and laws. Nothing too big and doesn't take much from the story:) 3. You...

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Nyla N
01:56 Jan 25, 2021

Awww! Thanks so much! I'm so glad to hear all of that! Haha, yeah, to be honest, I wrote it in one day and I was just anxious to see what people thought so (I know this is really bad lol) but I posted it without really proofreading it! Thanks soooo much!! :) And haha, I'm not sure yet. I'll think about it! It's so weird to be on the writer's side cause I'm used to, as the reader, to not want good characters killed off and no cliffhangers but as a writer, those are the things which make a story powerful. I hope that made sense lol. But thanks...

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02:42 Jan 25, 2021

Yeah! That's all right, I always get nervous before posting stories, so I'll hop over some small errors:) And yeah! It's weird to be reading a lot and then suddenly your the writer and have full controlXD And ok! Let me know if you do write a part 2, I'd love to read it!

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Nyla N
03:00 Jan 25, 2021

Ooh ya, I’m starting to get kind of nervous for my next one, cause I want it to be better than the last! You know? And yes! You put it into words! Control!!! And yes I’ll definitely let you know!! XD

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04:48 Jan 25, 2021

Yeah! I'm sure it will be though! I read through my first story on the site and look back on how much my writing has grown since then! And thanks:) I'd be excited to read a part 2!

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Nyla N
21:21 Jan 25, 2021

Thank you!! Though I do keep writing different genres, so I feel like there's no real way to see improvement! XD Also you are a great writer! I just left some feedback on your second latest story!

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Danny -
03:12 Jan 23, 2021

Congrats on writing your first story! I loved the atmosphere you made, I feel like that added to the suspense. It's sad Percy had to die :( I liked him. And the way you'd described everything, it's amazing, it almost felt like I was in the setting myself. P.S. I'm not writing too much feedback cause I'm a new writer here myself, and most of the time idk what I'm talking about.. aaaanddd I don't want to drag you down with me, this story is great! I'll be looking forward to more of your future stories. Don't hesitate to tell me once you've po...

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Nyla N
19:01 Jan 23, 2021

Wow thanks so much! I'm glad you felt attached to Percy as I was really pouring my heart into making it a memorable loss. To be honest, I loosely based it off of someone I know, so I was upset killing him off, but sadly it was necessary for the plot! ): And haha no worries! You wouldn't be dragging me down, but thanks for focusing on all the good things nonetheless, it's made me feel really great! Also, you write beautifully, so I can't believe you're a new writer! And sure, I'll definitely let you know (I'm probably going to post later toda...

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Danny -
23:41 Jan 23, 2021

Of course :) and also, time zones are weird and it seems like you've already posted, I'll check it out now :D

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Claire Lindsey
21:49 Jan 22, 2021

Hi Janey! Congrats on your first-ever story :) Here are some of the things I loved: -Your descriptions of the cabin. It felt real, intricate, and got more eerie as the story unfolded, which added an extra layer of tension to your plot. -You do a wonderful job writing action. As soon as she found the body, I could tell you were in your area of strength. The language is visceral and intense, perfect for the scene. -Your dialogue feels natural and contributes nicely to developing the plot. Some things I'd suggest working on: -Give a bit mor...

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Nyla N
00:17 Jan 23, 2021

Thanks so much! :) Wow thanks, I'm so glad you loved those parts as they were the most fun to write. I've always loved action, so I'm happy to hear that's one of my strengths! Thanks sooo much for the suggestions! I've attempted to condense it a bit more and will definitely keep all the extremely helpful tips you wrote in mind for the future. I also expanded the area where I set the scene and both these tips make it sound so much better! I'll definitely keep you updated and thanks so much again! I really appreciate it and all the feedback wa...

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16:14 Jan 29, 2021

Good job with keeping the suspense up on this one! Also, the tension in Peter and Amara's relationship was well done--I could tell he was nervous, but until the end I wasn't sure exactly why. At the same time, I was surprised that Amara would put up with all his late nights--besides Amara telling the reader that she loves Peter, he doesn't seem to do much to deserve it

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Nyla N
01:07 Jan 30, 2021

Awww, thanks so much! And ya, that's the problem with a short story, there's not enough space to write about all the backstory. I guess I was going for sort of a Mafia Boss type of thing, where he would do anything for his wife, but he's always busy or alluding to the fact that Amara was purposefully ignorant, or maybe I just wanted to give the reader some imaginative freedom. But yeah, I definitely didn't end up adding much about why! Thanks so much for reading and giving great feedback!

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