Sparkly Vampires are Douche Bags

Submitted into Contest #65 in response to: Write about a vampire or werewolf who moves into a quiet suburban neighborhood.... view prompt

52 comments

Funny Horror

This is a strictly satirical piece (and my first time writing one). I harbor absolutely no ill will toward Stephanie Meyer. Well, besides that one time she wrote a bestselling saga that spawned five movies resulting in hours of my life that I now can’t get back.


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“What’s your name?”


“I-it’s Ella,” I stutter, though despite my hiccup in breath, my voice is melodious and dazzling. And seductive, too. But also, virtuous.


My fellow peers at the cafeteria table look up at the exact same instant. They blink simultaneously. They all lean forward to cup their chins in their hands. And then they lock their eyes with mine, enraptured by my husky but smooth, alluring but righteous, enticing but noble voice.


There’s Ike and Skylar, who both stare at me unblinkingly. The young men have eyes only for me, drool dribbling from the corners of their mouths. Their saliva pools upon the cafeteria table, dripping off the edge and onto the floor, until their shoes rest in puddles of spittle.


There’s Jessie, too, who gazes at Ike. The knife she’d been using to smear cream cheese over her bagel sits clenched in her hand. Slowly, she swivels her head toward me while keeping her body turned to Ike, until her narrowed eyes burn into mine. When I look in them, I see orange flames instead of pupils. She draws her index finger across her throat as she stares at me, jerking her head toward Ike, who continues to look at me, the saliva still accumulating on the floor.


So, because Jessie indicates that my death is imminent the longer I look to Ike, I shift my eyes to Skylar. But Angelique looks at him shyly, eyes fluttering between the table and Skylar over two thousand times in less than thirty seconds. So, I look at the ground, which seems to be the only safe site for my eyes to rest.


They all look at each other for two minutes and thirty-six seconds, shifting eyes and looking up through their eyelashes and glancing away and not speaking at all, because teenage conversations often involve inscrutable and obscure scrutiny rather than actual human discourse.


Eventually, they stop, and all turn toward the cafeteria doors, again at the exact same time. I look up. The lights in the cafeteria suddenly dim. A spotlight shines on the doors. An orchestra appears out of nowhere on the right side of the room and begins to play a slow-building, luxurious piece.


“Don’t look,” Angelique whispers. She looks wide-eyed at the doors, unblinking, mouth open in a perfect “o”. 


Five people walk through the doors. They are…remarkably beautiful. Unnaturally so, in fact.


Actually, they’re just downright disturbing.


Seriously. Like, what is wrong with them? Who looks like that? And how is nobody else in this cafeteria besides my table perturbed by their sudden entrance and sickeningly white skin and black eyes and ridiculous hair styles?


As they walk in, everything slows down.


Dammit. I scowl sexily but virtuously as I try to wrap my fingers around my drink to take a sip of water, but they only move at a rate of one inch per second, so it is rather slow going. My scowl is elongated well into the next scene, in which I slowly lift my head once more to stare at the five individuals. But my eyes latch onto only one.


He is the last of the five to enter the school cafeteria.


I stare at him in wonder. Slowly, so slowly, his head turns, and despite the spotlight shining directly into his eyes, he stares into mine.


My heart thuds in slow motion as we lock gazes. His eyes are pitch black, which should be frightening, if it weren’t for his wonderfully chiseled body. Really, that’s all I can look at, so it’s no matter that blood drips from the corner of his lip and onto the floor, leaving a trail behind him.


His biceps are sturdy and brawny. I have eyes only for the muscles underneath that sickeningly white skin (the color of which I ignore). And though his irises are black and he’s dripping blood and his skin is disgustingly pale and he has the darkest bags under his eyes that I’ve ever seen and when he smiles I see actual fangs, it does not matter, because his body is just simply godly.


The moment our eyes meet lasts forever. I never want it to end. And for seven beautiful hours, the moment goes on. We stare…and stare…and stare…


Finally, the orchestra packs up their instruments and the lights turn on once again. The five individuals sit down at a table. They sit with straight backs, not looking at one another, simply staring into space. And though they avoid gazes, I can see their hands rubbing each other's thighs beneath the table, which is perfectly normal, so I look back to their faces.


The one that stared at me grips his hand––the one that is not stroking the leg of one of the other men beneath the table––so tightly that I can see it shaking and trembling. His eyes keep swiveling toward me before he glances away just before making eye contact. It’s not strange or creepy at all.


“Who are they?” I whisper sexily but virtuously.


“The Sullens, of course,” Jessie snaps at me, rolling her eyes so hard in her head that I see the whites of her eyes before the flames return. “Can you die now, please?”


The Sullens. So that is their name.


The bell rings, and I stand up to walk to my class, finally ripping my eyes away from the godly man. And, as I step forward, I suddenly trip over nothing at all, falling dramatically, the floor inching ever closer to my head––


Suddenly, he is there. The godly man. He picks me up before I can hit the floor, swinging me into the air for a moment. He sets me on my feet.


“How did you do that so fast?” I ask sexily but virtuously, breathless as I stare into his black eyes.


“Because I’m definitely not a vampire or anything. Just a regular guy, obviously,” he says smoothly.


“Oh. Of course."


“Can I suck almost all the blood out of your body until you're seconds away from death before I realize what I'm doing and somehow overcome my raw biological instinct?”


“What?”


“Can I walk you to class?”


“Yes.” I stare into his beautiful demonic eyes, ignoring how his lips curl, displaying sharp, pointy fangs. He leans down, inches away from my nose, staring down at my neck. I’m sure it’s because he wants to kiss it.


“Okay,” he hisses. He doesn’t move. He simply continues to stare at my neck.


And then he leans down and sinks his fangs into it.


But it doesn’t matter. He’s just too gorgeous for me to care about such a trivial issue as my death. 

October 26, 2020 15:34

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52 comments

Zilla Babbitt
17:50 Oct 27, 2020

I love this so much. If you have a love/hate relationship with Meyer, try reading this. I think you'll enjoy it :) blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/contests/39/submissions/14347/

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Lina Ozz
18:03 Oct 27, 2020

I just read it and left a comment. A better love story than Twilight for sure :) Thank you so much for leaving a comment and giving my story a read!

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Lina Ozz
15:44 Oct 26, 2020

I'm sorry, but I just couldn't resist writing this piece. Doesn't match the genres but I still had fun writing this one. Hopefully ya'll enjoy it; critiques welcome, of course!

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Scout Tahoe
14:14 Oct 28, 2020

Wow. This was hilarious. I haven't read Meyer in a long time and this totally sparked my memory. It's fabulous, really. And the little part at the beginning, haha, I feel the same. "And though they avoid gazes, I can see their hands rubbing each another's thighs beneath the table, which is perfectly normal, so I look back to their faces." You say "each another's" and I think you meant to say "each others". Anyways, I loved this. So funny. Keep it up.

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Lina Ozz
14:57 Oct 28, 2020

Ah thank you for the catch! And haha thank you for the read :) Happy to spark some memories...good or bad ;)

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Scout Tahoe
15:27 Oct 28, 2020

Of course! :)

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Kara Ohara
22:14 Oct 27, 2020

I laughed so much. 🤣 I mean the orchestra hecking packed up and left. Brilliant stuff. 😂❤

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Lina Ozz
22:35 Oct 27, 2020

Thank you so much for your comment and for reading my story! Happy to induce some laughter :D

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Molly Leasure
05:16 Oct 27, 2020

Bahahahahaha. I literally read this in Kristen Stewart's husky whisper with the stutter and awkward eye twitches. I have no words other than, this is amazing. I swear to all things unholy I could probably quote Twilight word for word and now I'm wondering what's wrong with me...

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Lina Ozz
17:51 Oct 27, 2020

Hahahah thank you so much!! Ah sweet Kristen and Rob. Good mems. But also not good mems. Hahaha. Psh we all go through that Twilight phase, so I guess that means there's something wrong with all of us...

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Molly Leasure
21:19 Oct 27, 2020

I always think of that scene when she drops the apple and he magically kicks it back into his hands and makes the STUPID book cover...and then I remember the exact conversation that follows...Am I really ever going to be able to LEAVE my Twilight phase? That's the question.

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Lina Ozz
21:26 Oct 27, 2020

Oh man hahaha, have you seen Vampire's Suck?? That's what inspired this piece lol. I find that movie HILARIOUS and I love it so much XD

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Molly Leasure
00:03 Oct 28, 2020

YESSSSSS I adore that movie!!! Oh my gosh, yes, I see it now. It makes so much sense xD

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Lina Ozz
01:16 Oct 28, 2020

YAS THAT MAKES ME HAPPY. That movie is glorious.

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Anell Douglas
23:30 Nov 03, 2020

I needed a laugh. This was awesome!

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Lina Ozz
03:42 Nov 05, 2020

Happy to inspire some laughter. Thanks for the read and the comment! :)

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Malady Cross
21:09 Nov 01, 2020

I don't usually laugh out loud when reading stories, but when I do... 'The Sullens' had me rolling. I love this. The ending was beautiful and virtuous. And dazzling. Also: "My heart thuds in slow motion as we lock gazes." ...should probably get that checked out. Might be a heart murmur, Not-Bella.

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Lina Ozz
00:55 Nov 02, 2020

Thank you so much for this comment! Made me laugh. Definitely a heart murmur. Hahaha thank you so much for giving my story a a read, and I'm glad it instigated some laughter! :)

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Megan Faith
15:30 Nov 01, 2020

I clicked for the title. How dare you make me laugh out loud, excellent job. I would love to read this as an entire novel about the Sullens and Ella.

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Lina Ozz
00:56 Nov 02, 2020

Thank you so much! The title is definitely click bait (lol). Thanks for giving my story a read and leaving such a kind comment! :)

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Rachel Macmorran
11:06 Nov 01, 2020

A holiday roast! Perfect! As someone who loved the Anne Rice books during my impressionable years, I was too old to be similarly seduced by Twilight. So perhaps more attuned to its flaws. I can’t find any in your version, though. I have a vague wish to see two of my pet peeves about those books addressed, tho. 1) why does no one address the super creepy one hundred year age difference? and 2) even if you’re undead, no sex before marriage. Also: would love to get your eyes on my story if you have the time. I’d appreciate it.

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Lina Ozz
01:01 Nov 02, 2020

Thank you so much for this comment and for the read, Rachel! I don't think I've read the Anne Rice before, but perhaps I should check it out...and you nailed the pet peeves. Also, I'll check out your story as soon as I can––a bit slammed with work and school but will certainly read it soon :)

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06:03 Oct 30, 2020

Okay but why can I actually see this entire scene in my mind with all of the actors? For a first try writing satire, I’d say you nailed it.

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Lina Ozz
01:00 Nov 02, 2020

Thank you so much Aj!! Also, I'm so sorry for the late response––was bombarded with school and work. Finally catching up and will read your stories!!

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01:22 Nov 02, 2020

No worries! Hope school is going well!

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Suzi Zinn
02:22 Oct 30, 2020

Really cute story.

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Lina Ozz
06:50 Oct 30, 2020

Thank you, much appreciated! :)

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Leilani Lane
15:55 Oct 28, 2020

Hahaha oh my god, this read like a Hollywood casting call... "sexily but virtuously" CLASSIC. Great work!! Seriously though, the ridiculousness of the Twilight series...

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Lina Ozz
16:58 Oct 28, 2020

Pssh what are you talking about? I obviously worship those books. I pray to them every night. xD Haha thanks as always for giving my piece a read and leaving such a kind comment! Always appreciated :)

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Leilani Lane
17:09 Oct 28, 2020

Of course!! Definitely write more satirical pieces!

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Daniel Deschenes
02:07 Oct 28, 2020

Is this the best title I have ever read? Yes. Yes it is.

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Lina Ozz
02:41 Oct 28, 2020

Haha thank you so much! The title is the truth. Lol.

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Vameerah Darren
18:25 Oct 27, 2020

As someone who just binged twilight, I can get behind this story XD I hope you win just for the sake of it XD had me dying laughing the whole time, I love it!

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Lina Ozz
18:52 Oct 27, 2020

Hahaha thank you so much! So glad you enjoyed it! I appreciate the comment and the read :)

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17:49 Oct 27, 2020

OMG! This is amazing!

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Lina Ozz
18:03 Oct 27, 2020

Thank you for your comment and the read! Much appreciated :)

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Ray Dyer
18:43 Oct 26, 2020

You had me with the author's note at the beginning, and I laughed out loud the first time I read "sexily but virtuously." The ending was fantastic, too. I'm still cracking up about "The Sullens." Nice work! This was a great departure from all the grim and depressing Halloween going around. (To which, of course, I am a contributor...thank you for bringing the bright side!)

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Lina Ozz
22:22 Oct 26, 2020

Thank you so much, Ray!! Happy to spread some laughter :D Always appreciate your feedback and thoughtful comments!

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A.G. Scott
16:09 Oct 26, 2020

😂😂😂. So good, smiled like an idiot the whole time. That scene is burned into my brain and you nailed everything weird about it (except maybe the vaguely incestuous vibes). Only critique would be the sexy but virtuous gag is a repeated a few too many times. Remember the rule of 3's!

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Lina Ozz
16:10 Oct 26, 2020

Hahaha thank you so much xD You've now inspired me to allude to some "vaguely incestuous vibes", which is a sentence I never imagined myself writing before. And sounds good; I wanted to repeat that an annoying number of times, but I'll vary it up for sure! Thanks for the feedback as always; loved your new story, by the way!!

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Lina Ozz
16:21 Oct 26, 2020

Okay, I tried to add some incestuous vibes lol. Not sure if they came across, but just a couple lines/words here and there. I'll keep messing with the story!

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Meggy House
15:03 Nov 01, 2020

Oh my goodness, this was amazing. I particularly love the exchange: "“Can I suck almost all the blood out of your body until you're seconds away from death before I realize what I'm doing and somehow overcome my raw biological instinct?” “What?” “Can I walk you to class?”" It's hilarious! This was a brilliant satire. I've never actually read Twilight but I'm fairly certain I don't need to; this was definitely better. Your writing flows beautifully, you manage to poke fun at all the right places, and I can't catch any errors. One tim...

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Lina Ozz
00:59 Nov 02, 2020

Thank you so much for this comment! I just read the piece––that is hilarious. You definitely accomplish the satire! I really appreciate the read and I'm glad you enjoyed reading it :) Excited to keep reading your work!

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Meggy House
13:00 Nov 02, 2020

Thank you so much! I am excited to keep reading yours as well :)

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Writer Maniac
03:44 Oct 30, 2020

Woah! I laughed out loud for this one, it was marvellous! Twilight is incredibly overrated, and you pointed out every part of it which didn't make sense, which is literally everything, and you made every person who ever loved it doubt their taste in books. I absolutely hate when in books/movies/TV shows the protagonist just sees this random guy/girl and immediately falls in love with them solely on their appearance, it really is very shallow. Absolutely loved this satire!

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Lina Ozz
04:08 Oct 30, 2020

Ah thank you so much for reading my story and for your kind comment! I'm so glad you laughed; that was the goal :D I'll admit, I was a (closet) fan once, long, long ago...now, definitely not so much. I also hate that trope, and it seems so used now! If you have any book/movie suggestions that DON'T follow that arc, I'm all ears...

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Writer Maniac
04:46 Oct 30, 2020

Literally any book by John Green is a good romance read, except for Paper Towns, which does follow that trope. For a cute gay romance, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe is perfect. It is also one of the most beautifully written books I've ever read, and I can't promote it enough!

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Lina Ozz
04:59 Oct 30, 2020

Awesome! Weirdly, I used to love John Green but I read some his books again in college and for some reason they turned me off a little bit. But, maybe that's just because I'd read them before and was in a different place in life. I will absolutely check out that other title you mentioned; it sounds amazing!! :)

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Writer Maniac
05:05 Oct 30, 2020

I get that. When I first read John Green, I absolutely loved it, but after reading Paper Towns, I just stopped reading his books for a bit of time. You should check out his brother Hank Green's book as well, I've heard it's really good. Aristotle and Dante is incredibly well written, and towards the end, it's just so heartwarming and literally, I could talk about this book for hours! This book made me cry, and you're not gonna regret reading it, I promise!

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Lina Ozz
05:13 Oct 30, 2020

Literally going to order it this week. It’s on my list!!

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