Xer-Bane Didn't Bless Dwarfs with Long Legs

I was pacing myself, knowing that a cross-country race isn't won by speed but by stamina. It's a good thing, too, since Xer-Bane didn't bless dwarfs with long legs. Suddenly, an elf came from behind and shoulder-checked me. Before regaining my balance, I wobbled and came very close to hitting a tree.

"Do that again, and I'll knock that smirk off your face!" I said between breaths.

"Gotta catch me first, Phlegm-it!" The windbag yelled.

"Flimlet! You pompous, girly-haired nimrod!" I remember seeing this guy before the race, but I have no idea how he knows my name. I believe he's one of the newcomers.

The elf continued to harass me. He threw out insults and attempted to shoulder-check me several times. He never went farther than that, but he relished in tormenting me. As far as I know, I've never done anything to this guy, but with how he behaved, you'd think I was his sworn nemesis.

He jostled me one too many times. I sped up, churning my legs, not caring if I tired too quickly. Forget about the race. My new goal was to launch that elf into the air. I inched closer but was unable to catch up. Then I noticed him slowing like he had many times. I knew he'd line up on my side. I glanced over and saw the elf's pearly whites grinning from pointy ear to pointy ear. Anger took control. Just then, I spied a large tree not far away and hatched a plan. If I time it right, I can shoulder-check him into that tree.

I waited for the exact moment, then made my move. At that very second, the elf moved out of the way. I lost my balance and slammed into that giant tree. A long, starry-black tunnel filled my vision. I heard laughter echo, slowly, in a deep voice. I felt as if I was going to pass out. However, the tunnel began to dissipate, and the laughter sounded clearer. I shook my head and looked up in time to see Long-Legs laughing and looking back at me. Smack! I never heard a more beautiful sound.

The elf and I were in pain and trying to catch our breath. To think, our illustrious leader, Lady Nimmo, thought this race would help ease tensions. To give us a break from preparing for war. Right now, I'd take a small war over this.

I finally regained my breath and slowly stood. "You idiot! What are you trying to do? Get us killed!" I stared down at the elf lying on the ground.

He moaned and groaned, rolled half to one side, then half to the other. He slowly got to his feet and turned on me. "Just what I expected from a dwarf," he said breathlessly.

"What? That I'd fight back?"

"No." He leaned against the tree. He still hadn't fully recovered, but his smirk was back. "That you would mess up. You can't even shoulder-check correctly."

That was it! I had enough of this pointy-eared jerk. I moved before him and was about to punch him in the nose when the elf went white in fear. His gaze was beyond me. I instinctively turned and saw a Grundle Barr a hundred yards away.

He was reaching for leaves hanging low. He stood ten feet tall, skinny as an elf, with black and white fur. His teeth were unnecessarily sharp for eating leaves, apparently his favorite food source. The Grundle Barr must not have noticed us because he lazily picked at the limbs.

"Don't move," the elf whispered. 

"I know. I'm not an idiot," I whispered back.

"Could have fooled me."

I didn't dare turn around, but it took everything inside of me to keep still. I felt much more like throwing the elf at the Grundle Barr and escaping while the elf was being eaten.

At that moment, the Grundle Barr paused and looked in our direction. He turned his head to the side, appearing to think about what he was seeing. Then he howled, landed on all fours, and ran towards us.

"Play dead! Play dead!" The elf said.

I fell and gave my best dead look. I assume the elf did the same because I heard him fall. We lay there, hearing growls and feeling the thudding of the beast's paws. The animal did not slow. He did not change direction nor lighten his mood. Playing dead wasn't working.

"Or is that a Gray Barr?" The elf casually said, as if we had all the time in the world and there wasn't a ferocious beast about to attack.

"What!"

The Grundle Barr was very close, and the gap was shrinking fast.

"I can never remember. Do you run zig-zag with Gray Barrs? And play dead with Grundle Barrs? Or is it the other way around?"

"Seriously, man! Which is it?" The Grundle Barr was only twenty yards away.

"Run!" The elf shot up and took off.

I did the same. We both ran like we were being chased by a really angry Grundle Barr, yelling and screaming in sheer panic. I turned and saw the Grundle Barr visibly grow angrier.

"He's not happy!" I huffed out.

"We were supposed to play dead! I remember now!" The elf huffed back.

"Are you serious!" I turned again to see the beast gaining. "What do we do now? I can't outrun him!"

"Climb! Climb!" The elf nimbly climbed the nearest tree without slowing.

Needless to say, dwarfs are not known for being nimble. I slowed under the same tree the elf climbed and looked for a low branch. Old teeth-and-claws was only twenty feet from me. I knew I was about to leave this world. I stood my ground and prepared to see the Glorious Mountain of Xer-Bane when an arm swung down. I grabbed hold and ascended into the tree.

The elf and I sat on a large limb, trying to catch our breath. The Grundle Barr clawed our tree but was unable to climb. So, he resorted to growling and howling.

"Play! Dead!" I said.

"Uh, yes. Sorry about that," the elf said.

"I don't suppose you remember what to do when a Grundle Barr trees you? Or at least, if a Gray Barr trees you?"

"You know, your attitude is not helping. Although, I guess I shouldn't expect anything better from a dwarf."

"What did I do to you?"

"I know your kind."

The growls and howls reduced, but sir claws-a-lot remained at the base of our tree. It appeared he planned on waiting us out. But right now, the only thought going through my mind was the bitter tone in the elf's voice when he said, "Your kind." I've used that tone before. There is only one reason for it. Somehow, a dwarf had hurt this fellow.

"What happened?" I asked.

He hesitated, then looked down at the Grundle Barr. "I guess we have plenty of time." He paused before going further. "I'll give you the short version, although I could tell every detail. I've never forgotten. As a child, a dwarf tried to cut my hand off for stealing his gold. My friend threw a rock at the dwarf's head, throwing off his swing. He only cut to the bone, and I escaped." He was holding his right wrist absentmindedly. "You're all barbarians."

I didn't know how to respond. Neither one of us spoke for a few minutes. The beast was sitting on its hind legs, watching us. I've known evil dwarfs, but to attack a child was an evil I've never seen.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"I don't need your sorry."

"I know. I just wanted you to know." I picked a nearby leaf from a small limb. I wanted to defend my race, but I couldn't. There are evil dwarfs. I couldn't argue with that. Besides, I couldn't talk away his trauma. Only time can heal that wound.

After a half hour of picking leaves in silence, I devised an idea.

"I think it's possible to escape this four-footed freak," I said.

"I'm all ears. What do you have in mind?"

"Grundle Barrs love leaves more than elves and dwarfs, but he won't leave until he knows we aren't a threat to his food plot."

"Okay, I'm following."

"Let's prove we don't want his food."

We went over the plan several times before jumping into action. We gathered hundreds of leaves using our shirts as knapsacks and then moved into position. We climbed to the lowest branch possible, still out of reach of the animal, and started taunting him. "Your mother was a skunk, and your father smelled of wild berries." That did the trick. We had his attention. He growled and snarled and jumped towards us. I opened my shirt of leaves and dumped them. The leaves flitted around him. He caught some in mid-air with his mouth and then started eating the ones on the ground.

The elf yelled, "Here's more! You brute! Come and get it!" The Grundle Barr looked up to see more leaves falling. He raced over to the second cloud of tasty treats and began to munch away.

While the greedy devil was distracted, we snuck over to the opposite side of the trunk, quietly lowered ourselves, and ran. The elf was naturally quiet while running. I had to work at it, but we both were out of the Grundle Barr's food plot and felt relatively safe.

While jogging back to town, we said little, but we slowed to a gingerly walk once we saw houses and towers.

"You're not as evil as I thought," the elf said. "As a matter of fact, you're not that bad."

I knew that took a lot for him to say. "If I could have clobbered that wretched dwarf, I would have done it with glee."

"I believe you." The elf cleared his throat, "Um, thank you for saving us. My head was empty of ideas."

"That's not entirely true," I said.

"What do you mean?"

"You had two ideas. You just didn't know which one to use."

I smiled but held back a laugh, but the elf broke out with a monumental laugh, so I joined him.

"So, friend, what is your name?" I asked.

"They call me Tim."

"Well, Tim, how 'bout you and I go to Ye Old Guard pub and drink to our glorious escape? I'm buying."

"Never thought I'd say yes to drinking with a dwarf, but yes, my friend, I'd be honored."

We drank. We sang. We laughed. We embellished. We bonded.