The Pain of the Past

You shiver and squirm in your bed, your nightmares and daydreams - if they can actually be called by that name - showing you what you don't want to see or remember.

Five things you remember from that night:

One.

His whispers in your ear, coercing you not to tell anyone.

Two.

Watching his blond hair to distract yourself from what was going on.

Three.

The smell of pina colada in your nose, making you even more confused.

Four.

The taste of coconut chapstick, which your mother told you to put on.

Five.

The coldness of his touch against your skin.

Every day, when you get out of bed, your brain forces you to remember this day and wonder what you could've done better. The neighbors think you're crazy because you constantly remind yourself that you could've done better that day. People come to visit you, but not as often as you'd like. Every time you try to ask them what their opinion is on what you should have done that night, they dismiss you in an irritated tone, telling you to be quiet. Nobody understands the pain that you went through that night, and it doesn't seem like anybody wants to.

You hear a quiet knock on the door.

Two short knocks, two quick knocks, and then one short knock. 

"Come in!" You call, knowing it's your mother. She walks into your bedroom, a small smile on her smooth face.

"Heidi, are you doing well?" She asks, sitting next to you on the wrinkled, gray sheets of your bed.

You throw on a smile, knowing that if you tell your mother how you're actually feeling, she'll leave. "I'm doing just fine!" You say through a strained smile.

"Perfect." Your mother exclaims.

~~~~~

A few moments later, when you know that you're about to fall asleep, you talk to your mother.

"Mom, please stay here until I wake up. And if I don't wake myself, wake me up at... eleven o'clock." You plead.

Your mother nods, rubbing your shoulder, and it takes you much strength not to back away from her. "Don't worry, Heidi. I won't leave."

Soon, you feel yourself drifting into a deep sleep.

~~~~~

The living room, though it was gigantic, was jam-packed full of people. Loud, obnoxious, drunk, people. Rap music was blasting from the speakers in all five corners of the enormous room, and all the benches, sofas, couches, and chairs were occupied. There were many sounds. Kissing, chatter, screaming, laughing, and singing. Most of the kids had a drink in their hands, and the ones who didn't have drinks with them didn't know me at all, and I was too shy to start making new friends now. I didn't want to drink at all, because even the thought of a drink made me feel nauseous. But I couldn't tell Cat to drive me home, especially because she was drunk. I glared resentfully at Cat, because she was the reason I was there in the first place, and she's just going to ditch me?! I didn't want to come, and Cat most likely knew that, but she told me that she was afraid to go alone. She told me, just in case I got bored - she knew I would - that the house had many secrets. So, for a while, I wandered around the mansion. Despite what Cat told me, I'd been searching around this house for about two hours and hadn't found anything. When I checked my watch, it read 12:36 AM in bright, neon colors, so I went to tell Cat that I wanted to leave. When I got to the living room, people were still drinking and the music was still blasting. The only difference was that they were now playing beer pong. I sighed, retreating into the hallways of the huge mansion, and that's when I met Demetrius Wells. He offered me a ride back home but said he needed a favor. I gladly accepted, wanting to go home so desperately that I didn't even think to ask him what the favor was. He shoved me into one of the bedrooms, locked the door behind him, and began to take off...

~~~~~

You wake up automatically, not letting your brain get that far into the worst night of your life. You find that your breathing is unstable and shaky, and when you look up, your mother is staring at you, her eyes wide.

"Are you okay, Heidi?!" Your mom asks, her hand on your back as if she's keeping you up. Your eyes widen as you feel her fingers touch your back, and back away from her. "What happened?"

You stare at your mother, wondering if you should tell her what happened. "Nothing! I'm fine, Mom." You answer, smiling. Then under your breath, you mutter, "It's nothing you care about anyways."

"Heidi, sweetie. Just tell me what's wrong." Your mom says, smiling warmly at you. "Maybe I can help you."   

"You never want to hear it though, so it's fine." You argue, avoiding your mother's eyes.

Your mother rolls her eyes. "Is it about that stupid party years ago?!" She snaps, shaking her head.

You are still avoiding her eyes, your hands wrapped around your feet and your knees meeting your elbows.  

“Ridiculous.” Your mom snaps, turning away from you. "Just ridiculous. I need to tell your father about this." She says, pulling her phone out of her pocket. You grab her phone out of her hand.

"Mom! This is serious, and you don't want to hear it, but this didn't happen to you! You never went through anything like this." You say to your mother, agitated at her response.

"Oh... fine! I'll get you a therapist! How about that, Heidi?" Your mother asks, shaking her head and glaring at you.

Your eyes widen. "Thank you so much." You murmur, so excited that you could figuratively jump cartwheels.

Your mom sighs. "Please don't bother me about that party anymore, Heidi." She tells you, grabbing you and hugging you close to her. You flinch at the feel of someone else's touch, but remind yourself that the person touching you is your mom, who only wants the best for you.

"I promise I won't, Mom." You reassure her, smiling warmly. "I promise that I won't."