78 comments
Do you really want to hurrrrrt meeeee, do you really wa–
HONNNNNK SCREEECH
Wow, I need to clean this spot on the windshield better…
SMASH CRASH TINKLE TINKLE
... that took care of it...
Wheeee I’m a bird!
Never seen the sky like this before, amazing
Oh man pavement, that’s gonna hurt like a son of a bit–
Sploot skiddddddddd
Nothingness
Nothingness
Murmur murmur murmur murmur
Nothingness
Murmur murmur murmurrrrrrr murmurrrrrrr distant screaming
Murrrmm “... out of nowhere!” Muted
Underwater sounds … is that screaming?
Sounds like underwwuuuh
Underwuuuh
Why’s the street sound like it's under whuuuuh
Stop screaming, who’s screaming
What's happened?
Why do I see so many feet?
Look at all the shoes, so many shoes here and that guy needs a new pair
Maybe he can borrow someone’s while people watch me view this closeup of the road
That’s it my guy, I’m providing a distraction
Steal some better shoes
Nnngggggg I think I’ll just rest here a minute
I can’t breathe, you are all too close, move away
Mmmmmm hnnnggggg
Why isn’t my mouth working
I can’t feel my fingers either oh god
I really wanted some time off … this is great … I didn’t want to spend it lying in feet though
Is this a new resort like Sandals except All-Shoes
Don’t you people have jobs to go to?!
Nnnngggghhh Still no good, can’t move why can’t I move
“Lay still, buddy. Take it easy. Ambulance is on the way.”
Smack smack smack smack smacksmacksmack
My head pounding the pavement = guaranteed headache later shit
Why is that happening smack smack smack squish squish squish
Thanks my dude for the assist, appreciate the palm pillow
Nothingness
Nothingness
What happened and why all the staring, go home and just let me sleep
So embarrassing
Murmur murmur murmur
Nothingness
REA-rea-REA-rea-REA-rea-REA-rea-REA
God make it stop
That noise is killing my head
Wow, fast shoes comin’ at ya
No don’t move me please, I like it here can’t you tell I’m on vacation this week
Mom I’m scared!
Nothingness
Nothingness
Nothingness
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
Oh god everything hurts
There’s that nice nurse again
Click flick plunge
Thank you angel of mercy
Nothingness
Nothingness
Beep. Beep. beep
Daylight
I know where I am
But why
Oh the pavement
OMG who’s feeding Toonces?!
I can’t be here
Beep BEEP BEEPBEEP BEEPBEEPBEEP
No not you, stay away, I have to go! No…
Click flick plunge
Nothingness
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep
It’s dark again
Everything itches
I’m tired of lying down
Why can’t I move anything
…TOONCES!
BeepBeep BEEP BEEPBEEP BEEPBEEPBEEP
Nooo, not you aga…
Click flick plunge
Nothingness
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep
Daylight now, so tired
Everything hurts AND itches now
“Gughhh”
And still can’t talk
I have to tell someone think think think Paul
“Good morning, Paul! You’re awake! You’ve had quite an adventure.”
“Aw hon, here let me get you a tissue, it’s ok. You are safe and the doctor will be in to chat with you later today and answer any questions you might have. We’re glad you’re back with us!”
If I can just make my hand into a writing claw…she’ll understand…
“You need a pen? Why don’t you wait and the doctor can help you with that and answer your questions then.”
NO lady I need you to help Toonces omg please please please help me
“I’ll get you some more tissues. It’s going to be okay. Let me just get you a little extra pain medication, too; you’re probably really hurting, I can tell.”
No no please please ple–
Click flick plunge
Nothingness
Nothingness
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep
“...am Dr. Kirby. You are one lucky man, Paul! Do you remember anything?”
Barely a head shake but it’s all I can manage TOONCES
“Paul, I need you to not try moving too much. You have a lot of hardware and stitches and bandages right now, and you are liable to cause yourself some injury if you struggle.”
Claw hand please please understand this time
“You want to write something? Hold on – nurse! Please bring the patient a pad and pen. There we go, go ahead.”
tmCez
“I’m sorry, Paul. I don’t understand…”
caT
“Oh okay, I gotcha. Listen, don't worry about anything. Someone from your office came by with the police two days ago and took your phone and keys to check on your house for you and call your family contacts. We’ll make sure they did and that your cat is fine, okay? I need you to relax, it will be okay. Right now our main goal is to help get you healed up and back to your old self in no time, but I’m going to need your help with that, ok?”
Nod frustration
“Nurse, please bring the patient some tissues. It’s going to be okay, Paul. It is a miracle that you survived, but a miracle is a good start, right? Do you remember anything yet?”
Head shake sobbing
“You were in a car accident, Paul. A car ran a red light and collided with yours; apparently you weren’t wearing a seatbelt, so you went through the windshield and hit the pavement at a good clip. You have a concussion and several broken bones and contusions. You’re going to have some reconstructive surgery necessary, but you are going to get through this, okay?”
Numb shock
“I want to stress again that you are very lucky to be alive, and you’re in the best possible hands, Paul. We’re going to help you get through this. Go ahead and give him his next dose please, nurse.”
Click flick plunge
Nothingness
Nothingness
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep
Daylight.
“He’s awake.”
MOM! Omg omg omg
“Here’s some Kleenex, baby. It’s okay, shhh.”
Sobbing
“Shh shh it’s okay sweetheart. You gave us such a scare when we heard. Dad’s at your apartment right now. Toonces is okay, alright? Shh.”
SOBBING
“Nurse, he seems so upset, is there anything you can give him to help him calm down?”
Vigorous head shake
“Ms. Actel, I think he’s just really happy you're here.”
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78 comments
Yup, a violent and disorienting accident is a good fit for the prompt :) Great match for that in-and-out of consciousness. It gets tense too. One, with the fate of Toonces, and two, "Click flick plunge". That phrase quickly became the anthem for powerlessness, for being at the mercy of others. Indeed, although the stories are completely different, I was reminded of Stephen King's Misery, particularly the intro. But this one ultimately, arguably, has a happy ending. Not only does he survive, but by the end the confusion is gone, and he ...
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Thanks so much, Michał! :D It was a last-minute one inspired by so many good ones I saw out there, so I definitely have to give credit where due. Appreciate your kind words!
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Nice job, Wendy! It's amazing how you could write a story of fragments... but it is still yet a story. Enjoyed. Thank you!
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Thanks very much, Hannah! :)
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You really did a nice job on this Wendy. I couldn't relate to this prompt at all. It would mess with my OCD, I think, to write all in fragments. Great use of onomatopoeia. I could hear the sirens and the hospital sounds and just reading them made me smile. -REA-rea-REA-rea-REA-rea-REA-rea Cracked me up just reading it!
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Thanks so much, KV! I am really glad you liked it, and thanks for taking the time to say so. :)
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Wendy! You aced it! I could picture it happening, I think that's exactly what someone would be thinking if they got hit by a car! Every word you put down was perfect! It was completely fragmented yet, the story made complete sense! wow!
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hah! I am so thrilled to read that! Thank you very much, LJ! It was definitely a challenge - I kinda liked the challenge prompts this week... eventually... lol :)
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This almost feels like the script for a performance art piece. There are few performers that could pull it off though, Helen Mirren in a dragon outfit perhaps, or Olaf from Frozen, he’s good at dramatic storytelling. Always wear a seatbelt! Safety first. I imagine life flashing before your eyes to get very 2001 Space Odyssey.
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No doubt! Thanks for reading and commenting, as always, Graham. :) Cat story going up now!
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Cool. I’ll be there.
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Oh wow, so many emotions while reading this. It was funny and entertaining following his dazed mindset. Then so visceral at his realization. Definitely a wonderful use of the prompt. Nothing is more fragmented than a mind going in and out of consciousness.
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Thank you, Kendra! I read so many other good ones, I finally convinced myself to give it a try - appreciate your lovely review! :)
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Wendy! I see we responded to the same prompt this week—love your interpretation of it. The profound sense of confusion you seem to wordlessly articulate is impressive and skillful. I really like the almost superficial realism you include, too; instead of the mc being concerned with deep, revealing issues, he’s concerned about Toonces. Works very well comedically, but also seems legitimate: we like to think that anyone who’s just had a significant accident is concerned with their well-being, when in reality, they’re probably concerned with th...
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Thanks so much, Nathaniel! (Or Nathan/Nate? :) Thanks for mentioning that, too, as I just popped over to peek at yours - NICE! Mine was kind of a last-minute submission, so I am glad it seemed more planned than that, haha. Thanks for leaving such a lovely comment! :)
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Oh Wendy…what a superb way to capture an accident scene! The prompt was a perfect way to bring it all to life and you aced it with every new fragment, thought, sentence. Your ability to write in so many genres is inspiring…if a little intimidating to someone like me 🤪 Just one suggestion before contest closes, you might like to correct your use of “lie” and “lay” in these phrases: “I didn’t want to spend it laying in feet though.” “I’m tired of laying down”
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Thank you! Those are my absolute kryptonite, so I appreciate so much that you took the time to leave this heart-warming review, but THANK YOU for the assist! :) Fixed! I think! If lying is right (haha). Much appreciated, Viga!!
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No worries Wendy. My pleasure to help anytime…and I appreciated you spotting my missing quotation marks too. Re Lie vs Lay, just remember we lie ourselves down but we lay down other people or things. 😉
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Sweet!!! :)
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Hi Wendy. Wow! What a creative, fascinating collection of related fragments. What a wonderful response to the prompt. There's just so much to like. A small sample of my "likes". Sploot. The word fits so well. Toonces. Never heard that name before. Click, flick, plunge. Nod Frustration. A skillful and complete word picture of the thoughts and feelings of an accident victim. Paul thought of Toonces early on and that is so cool. Well done.
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Thanks so much, Brad! That is really flattering, and I appreciate you taking the time! Have I got a silly-stupid treat for you: back in the cocaine-fueled days of Saturday Night Live, there was a recurring skit called "Toonces the Driving Cat." I'm not saying it's haute humor, but it was kinda cute - check it out on YouTube sometime you want a laugh. :D
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Oh I am so glad Toonces was ok. It was giving me stress. This was a great story Wendy all the fragments held together well to really get into the head of the character. For a story of fragments it wasn’t difficult to read and flowed very well from one moment to the next with good pace.
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Thanks so much, Michelle! I appreciate you reading and leaving your thoughts - I admit, I had a hard time making it through some of the "fragment" ones, so I particularly appreciate you saying that it was at least readable. :)
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This was such an excellent blow-by-blow of a traumatic event from the viewpoint of the injured party. I loved the bits about being sedated with painkillers all the time. It's maddening when that happens because you just want to stay awake and avoid the weird nightmares that painkillers bring on. I have to say that this story of fragments was very entertaining and realistic. Getting into the mind of an injured person during and after the event is difficult, but you handled it superbly. Everything hung together, and the sum of the fragments m...
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Thank you so much, Del! It was a last-minute inspiration; I wasn't a fan of the prompts initially, but these grew on me. The challenge was a nice addition! :)
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Hi Wendy. Happy to be reading your stories again. I looked at the 'fragment' prompt and wondered how it could be done. Made me think of the book "Ulysses" by James Joyce. You nailed it. What an awful accident. Great way to do this story. So happy he was going to recover, albeit with a head injury, no doubt.
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Hi Wendy I found this to be a great piece of writing. It was just what would happen and how someone would experience a serious accident. In fragments - as they can’t in and out if consciousness. You got across a range of emotions: confusion and fear, disorientation brilliantly. Not ab easy thing to do. Well done.
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I loved how you used the prompt to really show the emotions and chaos of this kind of situation! Sometimes it was hard to follow, but that makes sense because it would be hard to follow what happened if I was actually in a car crash. Reading this kind of reminds me of doctor strange, in a way. The way it goes from one thing to the next reminds me of the magic system in his movie.
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Thanks so much, Wisteria - I appreciate your kind words! :)
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Wendy, it's just that when I saw the prompt, I thought, "No one could possibly write a good story out of this. Bah." You definitely proved me wrong.
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Wow, Amy, thank you so much! You really made my night. :)
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Wow, Amy, thank you so much! You really made my night. :)
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GOOD
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Thanks!
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Hey Wendy, I had a feeling that this story was going down a specific path as I enjoyed those first fragments. I love the idea of wondering what our thoughts are the moment we experience a life altering incident. I thought you did a fantastic job of incorporating this character’s values in this piece and I loved the way we got a satisfying and happy ending. I hope nothing but the best for all of them. My favorite line was when you talked about the hand becoming a writing claw because I am a sucker for Grey’s Anatomy and if you know, you know....
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hehehe Glad you're "in the know!" :D Thanks for the lovely review, Amanda! :)
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Welp. I love this. Your ability to use something so abstract as sentence fragments and turn it into an actual story is unapparelled. My highest compliments. Keep writing the good write!
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hehe That line was cute! Thanks very much for the encouragement, Levi! :)
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This was fantastic! Especially the beginning where you somehow made it easy to understand what's going on mainly through onomatopoeia. The progression and pacing was great and I loved the underlying humour throughout.
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Thanks very much, Bridget - I appreciate your encouragement! :)
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Wendy you're so productive! I thought this week's prompt was very random/strange and difficult to execute but you obviously took it on your stride... I like how as the man was recovering from his head injury, his thought processes became more coherent and less fragmented. An example of "show don't tell"... well done!
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Thank you so much! I just saw yours and was blown away, so I truly appreciate the encouragement! :)
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