Just Oregon

The alien vessel’s bridge fell silent as Kz’Rrr’s mighty scaled tail thumped the floor repeatedly, its owner lost in thought. 

He tapped the panel twice then addressed his second-in-command: “AND YOU SAY THERE ARE EVEN MORE EXAMPLES THAN ALL OF THOSE?”

Pryr. Jtt was nervous about relaying the scope of his findings at this late stage, but he was otherwise prepared with his remaining data. The fates of them all – as well as the financial legacy of their distant civilization – relied upon him illustrating the issue in such a way that the superior lizard would understand (and agree with) his proposed course of action. 

“Sir, yes, sir!” He replied, and continued the litany from his screen:

***

June, 1942 – Submarine attack on Ft. Stevens, Oregon

"Japanese high command ordered submarine I-25 to attack the Pacific Northwest. Sneaking in underneath a fishing fleet, the sub fired between 15 and 20 rounds of its 5.5” gun towards Fort Stevens.

"Casualties: A cratered beach; a compromised baseball field; a minor power failure; and a cut on one soldier’s head, caused in the confusion generated by the attack. There were no casualties."

***

September, 1942 – Firebombing of Mt. Emily, Oregon

"A Japanese pilot aboard submarine I-25 launched his seaplane towards Mt. Emily. His directive: cause massive fires via incendiary bombs dropped in the extensive Oregon Coastal forest range. The fires in turn would cause supply, personnel and equipment disruptions to wartime resources across the Western Seaboard.

"Casualties: A crater and a small fire of approximately 75’ in diameter. There were no casualties."

***

November, 1970 – Exploding whale in Florence, Oregon

"A sperm whale 45' long and weighing approximately 8 tons washed ashore; the carcass was subsequently blasted with significant amounts of TNT in the hopes of rendering it into small pieces to be carried away by birds and other wildlife. The explosion instead caused the corpse to erupt in a fury of sand and viscera 100' high, arcing down on the horrified onlookers. 

"Casualties: A vehicle near the onlookers was completely crushed by a large chunk of blubber, and spectators were pelted by pieces raining down. There were no casualties."

***

“WAIT!” Tz’Rrr pounded the desk with his meaty scaled hand for effect. “YOU ARE MAKING THAT LAST ONE UP FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT!”

“Sir, no, sir!” Snapped Pryr. Jtt. 

“PROCEED.”

Pryr. Jtt continued his recital:

***

June, 2012 – Tsunami hurls Japanese dock directly at Newport, Oregon

"A 66'-long, 180-ton sea dock pummeled Agate Beach just outside of Newport, Oregon. Due to the massive scope of the engineering project required for removal of the dock, it has been left where it stands as a monument to the fury of the sea.

"Reverse-Casualties: While over 100 invasive species clung to the dock and were thus introduced to the state of Oregon, marine biologists were able to quickly neutralize the threat posed by the invaders by killing all adjunct living creatures."

***

A collective gasp went up among those gathered on the bridge at the possibility of their own reverse-casualties.

“So in summary, sir, you can see that this “Oregon” presents possibly the most formidable foe the galaxy has ever seen,” Pryr. Jtt concluded. His efforts not to glance at the slow-blinking button failed. “Repeated aggressions against them have been futile – they've proven indestructible against all terrestrial attacks. Sir, we must act at once if we are to pave the way: we cannot succeed with Oregon in play.”

“WE HAVE AMPLE RESOURCES TO DESTROY THE ENTIRE PLANET,” growled Tz'Rrr, thrashing his tail. He had not anticipated the disruption of his mission to establish a new Black Hole Disco franchise for his home world, and it angered him – particularly since Pryr. Jtt's arguments seemed to have merit.

Tz’Rrr’s orbiting advisor discreetly jetted out of range to remove itself from harm’s way as the giant lizard’s pout increased. As Tz’Rrr idly caressed the blinking button, silence reigned. 

Pryr. Jtt continued after the appropriately deferential pause: “Sir, if you’ll permit me, we simply cannot risk the possibility that Oregon will once again raise its mighty defenses and survive a global attack. If we could but exhaust our single-shot primary weapon directly against this target, instead, we would not destroy the entire world, but we would be able to render its primary defender inert.”

Sensing its opportunity for low-risk toadying at that moment, Tz’Rrr’s advisor quickly spoke up: “M’lord, what the underling claims is true: we cannot fight them if we allow the chance of our firepower being rebuffed. We must strike this Oregon,” its beak curled in a sneer at the mention, “in a direct and concentrated manner. I can see no other way to ensure victory for the construction forces that follow.”

All eyes glanced towards the button at that moment. The flashing light which highlighted the button from inside began to blink rapidly, signaling that there was no more time to waste in a decision – the primary weapon would soon begin to lose its charge and their window of opportunity would close.

All that was needed now was a simple decision: would it be the world, or just Oregon?

“DEATH TO THE DEFENDERS AND MAY OUR HATCHLINGS AVENGE US… FIRE!”