I could barely breathe. The smoke rose into my lungs, as I gasped in and out trying to get air. I tried to scream, but my voice was weak. Before I passed out into a soundless sleep, the last thing I heard was him desperately calling my name…
***
I woke with a start. My whole body was shaking. I inhaled three times to slow down my breathing as I sat up. This was the fourth time I’ve had this reoccurring nightmare. Breathe. I slowly rose from my bed to start the day. My eyelids felt heavy, my mouth full of cotton. My mind was foggy, but I was able to concentrate hard enough to grip the toothbrush. As I finished up my bathroom routine, I gracefully descended the steps to the kitchen. I glanced at the clock only to be horrified that it was twenty minutes past the time I was supposed to be at the bus stop. Uh oh. I quickly flew up the stairs and threw on the first few items I spotted in my dresser. My older brother who was in college came pounding on my door almost as soon as I had finished getting dressed.
“Sis, what are you doing still home?”
I glanced at him and narrowed my eyes. “Says the guy who should be in college but noooo you just had to stay and clog up my atmosphere.” I tossed him the car keys. “I need you to drive me to school.”
He rolled his eyes. “Alright, but you owe me breakfast.”
I mumbled a few words, and out the door, we went.
As we pulled into BreightHigh, butterflies started to fly in my stomach. I was excited. Today marked the official day of James Gertin and I dating for a whole year! James was the most popular guy at BreightHigh, and one of the best basketball players in our state of Idaho. I was the world's luckiest girl to have someone as handsome and caring as he was.
I rushed up the stairs just as the bell rang. Darn. I didn’t even have time to go to my locker. I ran quickly to first hour, Algebra 2. I passed several of my friends who insisted on goofing off during class. I entered the classroom in the nick of time as Mr. Curmmington turned around.
James looked backward and his whole face lit up when he saw me. I smiled.
I breezed right through today's lesson and was soon on to my next class. James came up from behind me and grabbed hold of my hand.
One of his guy friends passed by and send, “Ya’ll need to get a room!” everyone laughed.
My face turned bright red as James pulled me along through the crowd of juniors. The day passed by with no problem. Spending lunch with James, beating all the guys in volleyball, ruining my enemy's art project… well, you get the idea.
As I headed to the last period I noticed the lights started to flicker. I thought nothing of it as I entered the classroom.
That’s when we all heard the first gunshot. I started to freak out. James was all the way on the other side of the school. Everyone started screaming and flailing around. I heard the teacher yell, “Everyone get to the nearest exit NOW!” None of us needed to be told twice. As I tried to stand up, I tripped over a chair, that ended up knocking a candle off its base. It caught on fire as soon as it struck the ground, which was wet wood from our science project. I was the only one in the room. I could hear screaming and yelling and before I got a chance to calm my nerves there was a big BANG, BANG, BOOM! I quickly backed into the nearest corner, which is right where the window was. I looked down and began to panic. It turns out my room was not the only room that was on fire. I realized that the loud bang was from the north side of the school exploding. That’s where James was! I didn’t know what to do.
I heard helicopters above, and I could just make out the signs of sirens wailing. I could hear loud pounding as if I giant was stepping throughout the school. Then I heard my name being called from every direction. I quickly stood up, and that was the worst mistake I could ever make. I ended nocking over a propane tank and had just barely time to lunge towards the door before I heard another loud, BOOM. I started screaming out in agony. The whole left side of me had been burned in my grand escape away from the explosion.
As I crouched down, I saw part of the roof collapse and sunlight poured in. The floor beneath me gave way, and I fell a good thirty feet, screaming the entire time. I could barely breathe. The smoke rose into my lungs, as I gasped in and out trying to get air. I tried to scream, but my voice was weak. Before I passed out into a soundless sleep, the last thing I heard was James desperately calling my name. My brave prince.
When I came to, I was being lifted into strong arms. I knew it was James, he must have found me. I buried my face in his chest as he heroically started to jog to the end where there was an opening.
“It’s okay” he whispered. I smiled as best I could, and passed out right there in his arms. The last thing I remember was him looking down at me and smiling.
***
When I woke up the first thing I saw was the bright light. Sunlight was pouring into the hospital room. I glanced around and then I saw James. He quickly got up and was at my beside. He leaned over and kissed my head.
“You’re alright, I love you” he whispered.
I was later informed that there were a couple minor injures, but thankfully no deaths.
James was my brave handsome prince. Forever and always.
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Hey Amanda!! Just read your story, and I have to say that you did a fantastic job writing the story outline and such things like that! Great job and I look forward to reading more from you! :)
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AMAZING!
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Noice, I liked the description and the details put into it. Looking forwards to reading more
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The guy the critique circle sent is here to fulfill his duty.
let me say it was an interesting read with an engaging narrative and flowing dialogue.
Your story easily made me visualize the events occuring. This shows you have good storytelling skills.
I know you cannot make any edits at this point but my critique is to make your future stories even better.
So here comes the edits.
Using 'send' instead of 'said' in the sentence below causes confusion to the readers.
[One of his guy friends passed by and send, “Ya’ll need to get a room!” everyone laughed.]
Replacing 'send' with 'said' will clear the whole issue. I am assuming it was a typo.
It should have been
[One of his guy friends passed by and send, “Ya’ll need to get a room!” everyone laughed.]
There is an editing error here, in the sentence below
[I could hear loud pounding as if I giant was stepping throughout the school.]
I think 'I' should be replaced with 'a' in the sentence.
[I could hear loud pounding as if a giant was stepping throughout the school.]
In the sentence below I noticed two things.
[I ended nocking over a propane tank and had just barely time to lunge towards the door before I heard another loud, BOOM.]
1. You used 'nocking' instead of 'knocking'. I think it is typographical.
2. You said 'and had just barely time' which is not in the correct order and causes a little confusion. This is the order you intended.
'and barely just had time'.
If I enact those corrections I have.
[I ended knocking over a propane tank and barely just had time to lunge towards the door before I heard another loud, BOOM.]
The sentence below is not really bad.
[The whole left side of me had been burned in my grand escape away from the explosion.]
But it is better for your narrator to refer to her body subjectively instead of objectively by using 'my' instead of 'me'.
[My whole left side had been burned in my grand escape away from the explosion.]
You can see the sentence is now simpler and clearer.
This sentence is poetic
[When I came to, I was being lifted into strong arms.]
But not very clear. How can the same arms that is lifting the protagonist (James' arms) be lifting the protagonist into the same arms (James' arms).
There was no lifting into that was going on there.
You may use
[When I came to my senses, I was being lifted by strong arms.]
OR
[When I came to my senses, I was carried by strong arms.]
The sentence below is okay. But you used 'to' a lot which affected the flow.
[I buried my face in his chest as he heroically started to jog to the end where there was an opening.]
You can say
[I buried my face in his chest as he heroically started jogging to the end where there was an opening.]
the use of 'jogging' instead of 'jog' adds more urgency to the story you are telling.
You need to do more evoking and showing than telling.
For example, in the sentence below, towards the end of your story, you caused the very powerful moment between James and protagonist feel a little dry.
[“It’s okay” he whispered. I smiled as best I could, and passed out right there in his arms. The last thing I remember was him looking down at me and smiling.]
Let me try making it a little evocative.
[“It’s okay,” he whispered.
My face lit up in response to his words and I passed out right there in his arms still beaming. The last thing I remember before passing out was him looking down at me and smiling.]
One last thing before I go.
In your ending sentence.
[James was my brave handsome prince. Forever and always.]
There are the terms 'forever' and 'always'. These terms indicate continuity, but you are referring to them in past tense using 'was'. This makes the sentence sound a little contrived.
If you try using 'is' instead of 'was' you have a more pleasing sentence.
[James is my brave handsome prince. Forever and always.]
If you want to still use 'was' then 'forever' and 'always' will have to go.
[James was my brave handsome prince.]
I hope these edits makes you an even better writer. Keep writing and best of luck.
The guy the critique circle sent - Princemark.
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Thank you very much, it means a lot that you went out of your way to help me!
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Cute, dramatic and unexpected. Just wondering how having half of her body burned is a “minor injury.” 😂
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Great story! I could visualize the events as if I was watching a movie!
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Cute and very dramatic.
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WOW, THIS IS GREAT!
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