Mister Hat-Trick

I must say, it has always amazed me that despite how often humans have touted themselves as “the most intelligent life forms”, they’ve always had the capacity to be easily duped if appealed to their vices, their hopes, and even their insecurities ( and we all know much of those they got). It’s all quite simple, really: you just have to find what they're desperate for, what they can’t live without, what they’d give anything to get - and many times their base instincts will get the better of them. Who am and how do I know all of this, you ask? Over the years, many different people have called me by many different names from the many forms and disguises I’ve taken: Anansi, The Trickster Fox, or just You-Cheating-Bastard. But hey, it’s not my fault that every now and again some idiot will get in over his head by thinking whatever I give is totally free of drawbacks or payback. Still don’t believe me? Well, normally I’d applaud you for having the common sense to do that, but allow me to share with you a couple cases where your fellow man wasn’t so lucky.

I remember it like it was yesterday - New Orleans, 1968, to be exact. A rather downcast and tired looking salesman walked into a bar in the French Quarter, sitting down at a barstool three away from mine. I had noticed the man had a tan line on his ring finger, slamming down drinks one by one before happy hour even started. Upon talking to him, I found out his name was Henry and he was blowing off steam because he’d received word that his wife was most likely sleeping around with a local gangster known mostly by his nickname “Big Fish” Johnson. I knew Johnson, to be honest. We had a business agreement that he’d give me a thirty five percent cut of whatever he made rough housing fishermen by the docks. Of course, he went back on the deal after he felt entitled to more of the profits and told me, in rather colorful language, to go pleasure myself. So, I pulled Henry aside and told him that he could probably make his night feel better by spending the night at a motel to get his mind off what’s going on at home. What I didn’t tell him is that Johnson goes there every Thursday night (which is what that night was, gods know these things), with a woman who probably was his wife(most likely was, now that I think about it). Henry went down there, forgot he’s still got his six-shooter on him, and apparently ran into the two lovers. Two pops laters, I’m down one unproductive business associate, and Henry’s got free housing for life to think about what he’d done. Brutal, but works for me. Hey, now, before you get mad or try to pin anything on me - all I did was tell the kid he should’ve probably taken the night off.

My first example isn’t really endearing me to you, now is it? Ok, ok - let me try this again. This time the year is 1992 in Newark, New Jersey. There was this aspiring model name Patty who barely missed the mark for this new agency because she had like two or three extra inches on her. Now, keep in mind, I have nothing against people on the basis of height, weight, race, sex, or religious association - but a mark is a mark. In any other situation, she was an extremely sweet lady and I may have even taken her out on a date or two. But this was the era when things like people buying into products sold on television were actually gaining tons of traction. I was looking for a  new racket to get into, and my new business partner in time dipped his beak into selling these so called “miracle supplements” for weight loss that had some type of Oriental writing on the bottle. I couldn’t tell if it was Chinese or Japanese or something, but I do know that the whole Oriental appeal gave it an air of mystery and legitimacy. So, I somehow convinced Patty to buy a few bottles from us every now and then for one hundred and fifty dollars a bottle - sometimes getting two or three at a time, if she could afford it. Now, I don’t know if the stuff actually worked, but to keep the business relationship going - I’d ask Patty how she got to looking thinner and sexier every time I saw her. And she ate it up, and my wallet ate her cash up. By all means, it was a totally degenerate and unethical business practice, but hey - those bottles sold like hot cakes. I never knew if Patty actually made it as a model because I had to leave town to find new opportunities.

Now, if this last story can’t convince you that I’m not a complete douchebag, then I can’t help you at this point. Back in 2004, I was in Florida on a vacation. I figured it’d be a nice break from business to just be at peace by the beach. While I was walking, I noticed a little kid sulking on a curb and I decided to walk over to find out what had been the problem. It turned out some businessman wanted to force him and his single mother to keep paying a debt the kid’s dad owed when he was alive. Not to mention, I managed to catch the businessman looking at the boy’s mother as if she was a hot piece of meat. His shadiness aside, I tried saying hi to him once and got blown off in possibly one of the most disrespectful ways possible. The guy just walked into me, splashing coffee into me, and then told me to piss off. Eventually, I may or may not have helped spread the rumor that I was “connected” or at least knew people who were. That got his attention real quick since this businessman/wannabe gangster was basically foaming at the mouth to work with a “real gangster” to get a better reputation and possibly make more money. So, eventually I tell this idiot that the real money was in letting three of his small time associates hit a bank in the city at night and watching the money roll in. I even offered to go on the job with them. What I didn’t tell Larry, Moe, and Curly is that as a trickster god, I can sometimes mess with their sense of time to make them think they’ve spent two minutes in the door instead of the ten it took the cops to get them. Now, to make the deal even sweeter, these idiots leave me in the car to be a getaway driver. And of course, these bozos decided to squeal on their boss. When it was all done, the boy and his mother silently thanked me with their smiles before I zipped back to Indianapolis.

 So, yes, all in all - I love taking advantage of how impulsive and reckless your species can be. But I haven’t always done it in a mean spirited type of way. Hell, you can even ask me about it in person. Who knows? I may even pop up suddenly in your city and your neighborhood, maybe in a tuxedo or maybe  in a hoodie and jeans. By the way, does anyone wanna buy a watch? I’m selling these for cheap…