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Funny Contemporary Fiction

When I’m done dumping you, I’m going to get trashed on mimosas made from real champagne and a bucket of your tears. That’s what you get for never listening to me.

Yes, Miranda, we’re at Charlie’s Kitchen tonight. Yes, Miranda, I made reservations to your stupid favourite restaurant, even though I hate this overpriced garbage trough. It’s pretentious. I even looked that word up to make sure it’s the right word, and it is! Pretentious!

What’s that, Miranda? You want to know what the occasion is?

“It’s a surprise.”

Bitch.

Tonight is the night of my emancipation! Tonight is the last time I’ll have to listen to your shrill nagging. Tonight – oh my god! Are those new shoes!? Did you buy another new pair of shoes? Didn’t you just ride my ass for when I wanted to buy a GoPro because ‘Blah-blah-blah you gotta cover your half of the rent!’

Jesus! It’s not a toy, Miranda! It could be my new career! I’d just need to buy one of those drones too, but that’s what Payday loans are for. I’m sure they’d spot me another one. And anyway, it’s not like you can’t afford to cover the rent, you greedy witch.

Oh, waiter’s here. That’s actually pretty fast service, for a crap hill like this place.

“Yes, hello. We’d like your most expensive bottle of Domper Gonan. Yes, Dom Perignon, that’s what I said. Relax, Miranda, it’s okay. Tonight’s a special occasion.”

Oh yes it is. I’m going to dump your soggy ass, and I’m going to do it in your stupid favourite trash hole and ruin this rancid restaurant for you. And I’m going to leave you with the bill, you plastic vampire.

“So, Miranda–”

Oh my god! Did you seriously just shush me? With those nasty mile-long hooker nails of yours? Why do you even have nails like that? Are you hookering on the side? I bet you are. Every time I turn my head you turn a trick. You don’t even know the meaning of the word loyalty. Man, I can’t wait to dump you and shatter your frozen onion heart.

Why are you rifling around in that moldy bucket you call a purse? Oh, great. You’re digging your phone out. This is unbelievable. What kind of sociopath buries their face in their stupid phone while on a date? This is why I’m dumping you, Miranda! I can’t believe the disrespect–

Hold on, I’m getting a text. Oh, it’s Alice.

ya boo ill cu 2nite :)

God she’s hot. Can’t wait to dump Miranda and get out of here.

Oh, what now? Why are you crying, Miranda? Did one of your stupid idiot friends call you to tell you one of your stupid idiot celebrities got voted off the stupid idiot island ‘cause they can’t stupid idiot sing? Boo-friggin’-cry me a river. Well, that’s all right. I like this. Make a scene, Miranda. Make it rain! I want everyone here to see what a train wreck you are.

Hmm, Waiter’s back. Yeah, and of course you’re going to ignore him, aren’t you, Miranda? Well, don’t sweat. I got it.

“No, wait, we’re ready to order. Yes, I’m sure. No, don’t worry about her; look at me. We’ll both have the crab legs and steak. Well done. Like, black. Uh… the 20oz steak. Extra gravy. Can we get cheese sauce on the side? You don’t have a cheese sauce? Well can we just have cheese on the side? Fine, extra garlic butter then. Double–triple it. Yes, fries, who cares! Oh? Sure, cheese curds on the fries then. Thanks!”

Idiot.

Still blubbering, Miranda? Got some bad news, did ya? Not as bad as I’m going to give you in a moment. But first, that’s right: steak and crab, you vegan circus. You’re going to hate it – see, I do listen to you. I hope the animals suffered as much as I suffered ever since I moved into your smelly apartment. And you know just as well as I do that the smell was there before I moved in! Don’t deny it. I can’t wait to move in with Alice. She doesn’t shout, she’s got a giant TV, and she eats food like a human. Celiac’s a made up disease and you know it, Miranda! I’m going to OD on bread tonight.

Man, just look at all those tears, freshly squeezed from the crocodile. What? What are you trying to say, Miranda? Oh, it’s your wretched mother, is it? And she’s calling to tell you your uncle Maurice died? Really, Miranda? Another uncle died? That’s what, like, three this year? If you don’t want to go to work just don’t go, no need to keep inventing dead relatives and fake funerals. It’s not like we don’t all know you’re lazy, making me get a job.

Alice isn’t lazy. She works three jobs. She’s a go-getter and she can support us both.

Aww. There, there. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

I bet he died because you’re terrible. You probably shouted at him on his birthday, just because he wanted a well-deserved boys’ night out, and anyway Miranda, it wasn’t a strip club, it was a gentleman’s club! Everyone was wearing top hats! It was very classy and you’d know that if you ever let me have fun!

Holy balls, how long is this phone call? Your mother sure does yap. I see where you get it from. No wonder the men in your family keep dying. And how come I’ve never heard of this uncle Maurice? You just keep pulling random estranged relatives out of your butt whenever you feel like it.

Wait, why are you so surprised now? What did she say? And why did you stop crying? Ah, well, no matter. This is better. Take a break, grab a breather, because you’re about to reap the tornado. It’s almost game time, baby, and the horses are chomping at the writing on the wall. We are going to make such a scene that you’ll never forget this night, and when you come crawling back to me I’m just going to make you beg and then still tell you no, just like every time I wanted some nookie and you said, ‘No, I just don’t feel good because of the chemo.’

Pfft. You’re about to really not feel good.

What the hell? Did you just smile? Oh, that’s real nice, Miranda. Your fake uncle Maurice dies, and you’re giggling. The apple doesn’t fall far from your pit bull mother. Yes, cover your mouth, hide your shame. What kind of a person revels in someone else’s misery? Disgusting.

“Is everything all right?”

Yeah, uncle Maurice. Yeah, died. I already know that part, hurry it up. Yeah, you didn’t even know you had an uncle Maurice – yeah, we all know that, Miranda. It’s because he’s fake. Because your human goiter of a mother made him up because she’s old and nasty and just wants attention. Keep it moving. Oh really? He was an industrialist of some renown, you say? Holy crap, Miranda. You sure do invent some stupid backstories for your stupid fake relatives. You should write for the internet. Oh, uh-huh, and he named you in his will, did he?

Wait.

“He named you in his will?”

A wealthy industrialist of some renown? Wait, how much?

Five million!?

Holy nuts! We’re rich! After all my hard work, I’ve finally made it!

Wait, why are you making that face now? Oh, right. The steak and crab that the waiter just put down in front of you.

“I can explain–”

Stop yelling at me. I can’t explain if you keep interrupting me! Did you just call your plate a charnel house? I don’t even know what that is, and I’m pretty sure neither do you. No, I know you’re a vegan, that was the point.

“I do listen to you–”

Wait, why did you get up? Why are you frowning?

“What do you mean we should see other people? After all I’ve done for you?”

Where are you going, Miranda?

“But I love you! Let’s get married!”

Come back! Oh, now this stupid mouth breathing waiter’s in my way, with his stupid mouth breathing waiter buddies. What do they want?

Right, the bill. Jesus, it’s how much!?

“Miranda!”

September 05, 2022 20:43

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68 comments

Aeris Walker
21:36 Sep 06, 2022

Its like someone said, “Michal, we need you write a story using these phrases: plastic vampire, hooker nails, onion heart, moldy bucket purse, vegan circus, and nookie” and you said HOLD MY BEER. SO much to laugh at here, as well as *gasp* at. What a truly terrible main character. And I can’t remember you using this 1st/2nd person perspective before, but I think it worked well here to make this character‘s shocking behavior really hit home. Thank you for bringing us this thoroughly entertaining story. :D

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Michał Przywara
22:10 Sep 06, 2022

Heh :D Yup, this 1st/2nd person approach is a new experiment for me. 2nd has frequently boggled my mind, outside of choose-your-own-adventure book, but I've read far too many good 2nd person stories on this site not to finally try it. I'm glad it was funny, because yeah, the narrator's a nasty person :) Perhaps he got what was coming to him. And yeah, I definitely took the opportunity to play around with some phrases. It wouldn't fit every story, but it's definitely fun to do.

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Aeris Walker
22:31 Sep 06, 2022

I love experimenting with style and perspective, but I haven’t done one in perfect second person yet. But yeah, I can confidently say I’ve never heard someone described as a plastic vampire with an onion heart, so points for novelty for sure 😆

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Riel Rosehill
07:13 Sep 08, 2022

Oh how the tables have turned 😂 I really enjoyed this story: the MC's voice, how angry he is and how he is thinking of Miranda as an awful person whilst to his reader it's more and more obvious how there's nothing wrong with Miranda and it's the narrator who is a horrible human being, revealed to be worse and worse as the story progressed. The twist was the perfect one for this story - thinking about it, it reminded me just a bit of another one of your stories where a certain tarred and feathered someone was complaining about his wife, Gemma...

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Michał Przywara
21:49 Sep 08, 2022

Heh, yes indeed :) I was talking with someone recently about people projecting, and it kind of bled into this story. The narrator here is certainly a bit of an arse. Now that you mention it, I can see the similarities between this and Ralph. I'd like to think Ralph wasn't cruel so much as clueless, shameless, and without a filter, but there's definitely some overlap. Anyway. This guy got what was coming to him. I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

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Riel Rosehill
05:37 Sep 09, 2022

Oh, Ralph was a LOT more likable than this guy, I don't mean to offend him 😃

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Wendy M
21:46 Sep 06, 2022

Very clever, very enjoyable and an interesting approach, loved it.

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Michał Przywara
20:58 Sep 07, 2022

Thanks, Wendy! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

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Tommy Goround
06:55 Sep 06, 2022

Hello again, (Ignore that whole idea about new location. I see how it _has_ to be in a restaurant). 1.) Mirnanda never actually talks? 2.) Miranda is vegan / wheat spazdic / has cancer and LOL @ "dump your soggy ass" The narrator has a backup plan; he's a planner: Alice isn’t lazy. She works three jobs. She’s a go-getter and she can support us both. <Unclear about how long Miranda was on the phone with Mom...seemed like long time> Ok... She's on the phone the whole time he is ordering / texting / making allusions. Got it. The Revea...

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Tommy Goround
07:04 Sep 06, 2022

about 1397 words right now. You do have time to kill the narrator... pretty please... make the world right. I've been researching "cruel and unusual punishment" (amendment 8) and It appears you can pretty much kill the narrator however you want as long as Texas tried it first.

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Michał Przywara
23:05 Sep 06, 2022

LOL gotta have precedent :) I've given some thought to where this story might go. I actually like the open end, since there's a lot of implications -- first off, I think fairly obviously, he can't afford it. And so yeah, dishes it is. Also, ending it here kind of keeps it in the scope of the prompt, the course of the meal. This isn't canon, because it's not written down, but I figure he tries to make a run for it and the waiters have a go at him. Then he works in the kitchen, and sure, nicks himself with a knife. Maybe makes a mess, which ...

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Tommy Goround
05:41 Sep 07, 2022

Hmmm...good balance. Are you holding yourself to "scope of prompt"? I figure if I write something after seeing prompt...the imagination has no boundaries. Ok. You give me excuse to read it again in few days.

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Michał Przywara
21:00 Sep 07, 2022

Sometimes I'll hold to the prompt pretty tight, yeah, and this is one of them. I do like to twist them normally and see how far we can bend a story and still technically touch the prompt, but none of my initial ideas were landing this week, so I took a more literal approach with this dinner. A bit swamped for time this week in real life.

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03:15 Sep 06, 2022

First of all, great opening. The internal monolgues can be hard to pull off, but you did really well. It took me a bit to figure out the POV, but I went back and read it again. As always, your stories are great on the second read.

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Michał Przywara
03:31 Sep 06, 2022

Thanks, Jaden! Yeah, this monologue style is a new thing for me. I've seen other people pull off great stories using it, and it just blows my mind. Had to give it a shot. I'm glad it was more-or-less understandable. I'll see if I can smooth it out a bit, make it more clear from the get go. I appreciate the feedback :)

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Kevin Marlow
23:43 Sep 05, 2022

Fave line, 'I hope the animals suffered as much as I suffered ever since I moved into your smelly apartment.' What a wonderful stream of consciousness flow from a shameless narcissist. I loved the flip at the end where she left him with the bill. I would have liked a full description of Alice just to round out the train wreck. Lovely, pointed piece, full of vitriol.

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Michał Przywara
00:16 Sep 06, 2022

Thanks, Kevin! Yeah, this guy was asking for it, and I suspect Miranda was pretty fed up with him anyway :) A more full description of Alice is a good idea. I still have a few days, so I'll see if I can get that in. I appreciate the feedback!

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Wally Schmidt
08:36 Nov 18, 2022

So funny and I must admit, I didn't see it coming. Thought it was going to end up a different way. The dorky main character is so well written and the pace is fast enough to keep the reader interested. Well written-keep at it.

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Michał Przywara
21:33 Nov 18, 2022

Thanks, Wally! Yeah, the POV was a piece of work, but fun to write nonetheless. I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading :)

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Rama Shaar
04:14 Sep 18, 2022

This was a very funny read. I like how we started off actually siding with the narrator, until he shamelessly continues justifying his actions. I hope that there are very few such people in the world though😅 thanks for the laughs!

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Michał Przywara
18:30 Sep 18, 2022

Thanks, Rama! And yeah, definitely! People like this are better in stories than in real life :)

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Zoë Page
16:02 Sep 15, 2022

I was waiting for the plot twist, and it delivered! Such a fun voice! I like how such a horrible guy can be made loveable in a certain way. The phrases you used, too, were amusing additions ("freshly squeezed from the crocodile" and "vegan circus" being some of them)! The tone can influence how enjoyable a story is for sure, and this was great. The twist really works with the prompt, quite literally. The narrator's life does change completely over the course of a meal - although, of course, they don't even get to the meal part, that's how ...

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Michał Przywara
21:12 Sep 15, 2022

Thanks, Zoë! Heh, I'm glad you liked it! Karma in the face indeed :) I like when characters trip themselves up, and there's something satisfying about it when someone like this narrator does it. And yeah, we seem to turn a blind eye to a lot when money's involved :) I appreciate the feedback!

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Susan Catucci
15:12 Sep 15, 2022

Beautiful. Super entertaining and delicious ending!

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Michał Przywara
21:14 Sep 15, 2022

Thanks, Susan! Very happy the ending worked out :) Thanks for your feedback.

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Becky B
07:54 Sep 15, 2022

This was just brilliant. Really got (and disliked!) the narrator. The descriptions were so easy to imagine and I was immediately in the setting and experience. Such a great read. I didn't look up until I was finished - which was worth the commitment for the ending! Also, very funny in many parts. Very much enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing!

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Michał Przywara
21:16 Sep 15, 2022

Thanks, Becky :) I'm glad you enjoyed it! The narrator is definitely a bit of a miserable character, but was fun to write. I appreciate the feedback!

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Hannah Barton
00:55 Sep 15, 2022

I liked this story. I wanted to be on the narrator's side so bad but then ended up hating him. I love stories where you can relate to someone to only find out in the end they were the bad guy. Well written!

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Michał Przywara
01:10 Sep 15, 2022

Thanks, Hannah! Yeah, he's a bit full of himself, I suspect :) I'm glad you enjoyed it!

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Ela Mikh
03:21 Sep 14, 2022

Nice twist!

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Michał Przywara
20:56 Sep 14, 2022

Thanks, Ela! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

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Daniel Allen
16:57 Sep 13, 2022

I really liked this. You managed to use the narrator's voice perfectly to build his character and reveal the truth of the situation. My favourite moment was at the end, when the narrator changes his mind about breaking up with Miranda but then realises that it's too late and his plan is already in motion. I think the line 'After all my hard work, I've finally made it!' sums up their character brilliantly.

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Michał Przywara
20:52 Sep 13, 2022

Thanks, Daniel! Yup, he caused his own downfall :) I think characters that trip themselves can lead to fun stories. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I appreciate the feedback!

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Daniel Rains
16:15 Sep 13, 2022

The MC had a very interesting voice, which makes it interesting to read. Only hearing from the MC's point of view is an interesting concept. It would be interesting to have a second story from her point of view during this conversation.

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Michał Przywara
20:55 Sep 13, 2022

Thanks, Daniel! Yeah, this was a bit of an experiment for me, a bit of a monologue. It was fun to write, but I think you're right, this could be a good story from a different POV too. I doubt the other characters quite see the world the same way as the narrator :) I appreciate the feedback!

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Ross Dyter
20:21 Sep 12, 2022

Great story, I really the descriptive phrases you use. The main character being stuck with the bill while she dumps him made me laugh out loud.

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Michał Przywara
22:32 Sep 12, 2022

Thanks, Ross! I'm glad to hear that :) That was certainly my goal. I appreciate the feedback!

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Laurie Roy
17:42 Sep 12, 2022

Love a unreliable narrator. Enjoyed seeing him get his just desserts.

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Michał Przywara
21:29 Sep 12, 2022

Thanks, Laurie! Yep! There's something pleasing about self-inflicted justice :) I appreciate the feedback.

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06:15 Sep 12, 2022

I absolutely love this. Very clever choice of character voice. This describes some people very well. As soon as Miranda inherited that money, he was happy to stay with her. I must ask how you came up with this? I would love some tips on writing myself. Again, a very enjoyable story to read.

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07:09 Sep 12, 2022

It also seems like this story was written for me (Dinner at Charlie's). 😂

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Michał Przywara
21:35 Sep 12, 2022

Thanks, Charlie! I'm glad you liked it :) I liked the idea of a life changing over a dinner and so I wrote down a couple ways that might happen. Dieing is obvious (poison/choking) but it felt too dramatic. Work/money/relationships was the next thing, and I thought it would be fun to have multiple people's lives change over the same dinner. So that's the premise. For the narrator, I wanted someone who *wanted* something obvious, and they wanted it hard and from the beginning. That led to a strong tone. I also like characters who get tripp...

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Mustang Patty
17:06 Sep 11, 2022

OH Good!! I really liked the twist at the end. Now he missed out on all that money. Great pacing and excellent use of the prompt. Good luck in the contest, ~MP~

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Michał Przywara
23:10 Sep 11, 2022

Thanks, MP! It can be satisfying when miserable people shoot themselves in the foot :) I appreciate the feedback!

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Elliot Moss
10:22 Sep 11, 2022

This was so cool! I literally got angry at him the more I read, like he was an actual person in front of me. Then "oh no! She left me now that she's rich! Whatever will I do!" Well, that sucks for you, dude. Really interesting and cool story!

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Michał Przywara
22:57 Sep 11, 2022

Thanks, Elliot! Yep, he's definitely an irritating person. I think that makes it all the more satisfying when he shoots himself in the foot :) I appreciate the feedback!

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