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Funny Contemporary Fiction

When I’m done dumping you, I’m going to get trashed on mimosas made from real champagne and a bucket of your tears. That’s what you get for never listening to me.

Yes, Miranda, we’re at Charlie’s Kitchen tonight. Yes, Miranda, I made reservations to your stupid favourite restaurant, even though I hate this overpriced garbage trough. It’s pretentious. I even looked that word up to make sure it’s the right word, and it is! Pretentious!

What’s that, Miranda? You want to know what the occasion is?

“It’s a surprise.”

Bitch.

Tonight is the night of my emancipation! Tonight is the last time I’ll have to listen to your shrill nagging. Tonight – oh my god! Are those new shoes!? Did you buy another new pair of shoes? Didn’t you just ride my ass for when I wanted to buy a GoPro because ‘Blah-blah-blah you gotta cover your half of the rent!’

Jesus! It’s not a toy, Miranda! It could be my new career! I’d just need to buy one of those drones too, but that’s what Payday loans are for. I’m sure they’d spot me another one. And anyway, it’s not like you can’t afford to cover the rent, you greedy witch.

Oh, waiter’s here. That’s actually pretty fast service, for a crap hill like this place.

“Yes, hello. We’d like your most expensive bottle of Domper Gonan. Yes, Dom Perignon, that’s what I said. Relax, Miranda, it’s okay. Tonight’s a special occasion.”

Oh yes it is. I’m going to dump your soggy ass, and I’m going to do it in your stupid favourite trash hole and ruin this rancid restaurant for you. And I’m going to leave you with the bill, you plastic vampire.

“So, Miranda–”

Oh my god! Did you seriously just shush me? With those nasty mile-long hooker nails of yours? Why do you even have nails like that? Are you hookering on the side? I bet you are. Every time I turn my head you turn a trick. You don’t even know the meaning of the word loyalty. Man, I can’t wait to dump you and shatter your frozen onion heart.

Why are you rifling around in that moldy bucket you call a purse? Oh, great. You’re digging your phone out. This is unbelievable. What kind of sociopath buries their face in their stupid phone while on a date? This is why I’m dumping you, Miranda! I can’t believe the disrespect–

Hold on, I’m getting a text. Oh, it’s Alice.

ya boo ill cu 2nite :)

God she’s hot. Can’t wait to dump Miranda and get out of here.

Oh, what now? Why are you crying, Miranda? Did one of your stupid idiot friends call you to tell you one of your stupid idiot celebrities got voted off the stupid idiot island ‘cause they can’t stupid idiot sing? Boo-friggin’-cry me a river. Well, that’s all right. I like this. Make a scene, Miranda. Make it rain! I want everyone here to see what a train wreck you are.

Hmm, Waiter’s back. Yeah, and of course you’re going to ignore him, aren’t you, Miranda? Well, don’t sweat. I got it.

“No, wait, we’re ready to order. Yes, I’m sure. No, don’t worry about her; look at me. We’ll both have the crab legs and steak. Well done. Like, black. Uh… the 20oz steak. Extra gravy. Can we get cheese sauce on the side? You don’t have a cheese sauce? Well can we just have cheese on the side? Fine, extra garlic butter then. Double–triple it. Yes, fries, who cares! Oh? Sure, cheese curds on the fries then. Thanks!”

Idiot.

Still blubbering, Miranda? Got some bad news, did ya? Not as bad as I’m going to give you in a moment. But first, that’s right: steak and crab, you vegan circus. You’re going to hate it – see, I do listen to you. I hope the animals suffered as much as I suffered ever since I moved into your smelly apartment. And you know just as well as I do that the smell was there before I moved in! Don’t deny it. I can’t wait to move in with Alice. She doesn’t shout, she’s got a giant TV, and she eats food like a human. Celiac’s a made up disease and you know it, Miranda! I’m going to OD on bread tonight.

Man, just look at all those tears, freshly squeezed from the crocodile. What? What are you trying to say, Miranda? Oh, it’s your wretched mother, is it? And she’s calling to tell you your uncle Maurice died? Really, Miranda? Another uncle died? That’s what, like, three this year? If you don’t want to go to work just don’t go, no need to keep inventing dead relatives and fake funerals. It’s not like we don’t all know you’re lazy, making me get a job.

Alice isn’t lazy. She works three jobs. She’s a go-getter and she can support us both.

Aww. There, there. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

I bet he died because you’re terrible. You probably shouted at him on his birthday, just because he wanted a well-deserved boys’ night out, and anyway Miranda, it wasn’t a strip club, it was a gentleman’s club! Everyone was wearing top hats! It was very classy and you’d know that if you ever let me have fun!

Holy balls, how long is this phone call? Your mother sure does yap. I see where you get it from. No wonder the men in your family keep dying. And how come I’ve never heard of this uncle Maurice? You just keep pulling random estranged relatives out of your butt whenever you feel like it.

Wait, why are you so surprised now? What did she say? And why did you stop crying? Ah, well, no matter. This is better. Take a break, grab a breather, because you’re about to reap the tornado. It’s almost game time, baby, and the horses are chomping at the writing on the wall. We are going to make such a scene that you’ll never forget this night, and when you come crawling back to me I’m just going to make you beg and then still tell you no, just like every time I wanted some nookie and you said, ‘No, I just don’t feel good because of the chemo.’

Pfft. You’re about to really not feel good.

What the hell? Did you just smile? Oh, that’s real nice, Miranda. Your fake uncle Maurice dies, and you’re giggling. The apple doesn’t fall far from your pit bull mother. Yes, cover your mouth, hide your shame. What kind of a person revels in someone else’s misery? Disgusting.

“Is everything all right?”

Yeah, uncle Maurice. Yeah, died. I already know that part, hurry it up. Yeah, you didn’t even know you had an uncle Maurice – yeah, we all know that, Miranda. It’s because he’s fake. Because your human goiter of a mother made him up because she’s old and nasty and just wants attention. Keep it moving. Oh really? He was an industrialist of some renown, you say? Holy crap, Miranda. You sure do invent some stupid backstories for your stupid fake relatives. You should write for the internet. Oh, uh-huh, and he named you in his will, did he?

Wait.

“He named you in his will?”

A wealthy industrialist of some renown? Wait, how much?

Five million!?

Holy nuts! We’re rich! After all my hard work, I’ve finally made it!

Wait, why are you making that face now? Oh, right. The steak and crab that the waiter just put down in front of you.

“I can explain–”

Stop yelling at me. I can’t explain if you keep interrupting me! Did you just call your plate a charnel house? I don’t even know what that is, and I’m pretty sure neither do you. No, I know you’re a vegan, that was the point.

“I do listen to you–”

Wait, why did you get up? Why are you frowning?

“What do you mean we should see other people? After all I’ve done for you?”

Where are you going, Miranda?

“But I love you! Let’s get married!”

Come back! Oh, now this stupid mouth breathing waiter’s in my way, with his stupid mouth breathing waiter buddies. What do they want?

Right, the bill. Jesus, it’s how much!?

“Miranda!”

September 05, 2022 20:43

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68 comments

Chris Campbell
07:33 Sep 11, 2022

Michal, This was Hilariously shallow! The MC seemed to be projecting on Miranda exactly what he is. A person of no depth of moral character. I've met a few "Shallow Hals" in my life, but this one deserved his comeuppance. You did a great job of highlighting how money can change people. A very enjoyable read. Well done!

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Michał Przywara
22:44 Sep 11, 2022

Thanks, Chris! Yup, that's exactly what I was going for :) Kind of a shallow arse, just following the alluring scent of money. Thanks for the feedback!

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Maddie Culwell
21:00 Sep 10, 2022

I really enjoyed reading this. I was getting more and more worked up at the MC, even actually yelling out when I read the chemo line. Really enjoyed watching a bad person get what they deserved. Go, Miranda!

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Michał Przywara
22:28 Sep 10, 2022

Thanks, Maddie! Yup, he got what was coming to him :) I'm not sure why he's so nasty. I expect he hasn't lived up to his own expectations, and it's just easier to blame others for it. But not everyone has patience for that kind of behaviour. I appreciate the feedback!

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Zack Powell
18:40 Sep 10, 2022

The thing I most enjoy about this contest is the freedom to experiment. You wanna write a monologue piece? Go for it. You wanna do all dialogue? Have fun. You wanna do no dialogue? More power to you. I know you've said this to me before, and it's a mindset that I've since adopted: If you try something new out, at most you throw away a week. I mention all that to say, I'm happy you're still experimenting with your stories, both in genre and form. Speaking of which, the form was my favorite thing about this piece. Lot of fun techniques going ...

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Michał Przywara
21:58 Sep 10, 2022

Heh, thanks Zack :) Yep, definitely an experimental week, but it turned out better than I hoped, key thing being "comprehendable". One-sided dialogue still makes my skin crawl, but it's actually not too bad in situations most people are familiar with, like ordering food. There's a lot of words and phrases which just don't belong in most stories, so I figured a more ridiculous one - or a more ridiculous narrator at least - was a great opportunity to get them some game time. I think in the interest of avoiding purple prose, I sometimes take ...

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Naomi Onyeanakwe
10:58 Sep 10, 2022

What an enjoyable story! This was so entertaining, so funny, so good. The voice of the character is simply amazing. Good luck with the contest!

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Michał Przywara
18:55 Sep 10, 2022

Thanks, Naomi! I'm glad it was funny! Definitely over the top :) I appreciate the feedback, and good luck to you too!

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Naomi Onyeanakwe
21:25 Sep 10, 2022

Thank you!

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Francois K
18:29 Sep 09, 2022

Really enjoyable, and I couldn’t stop reading it; what a guilty pleasure. I love reading about the villainous POV, a la Richard III. The twist at the end was great. Ironically, he can still go to Alice and be happy with her as he was planning. But I’m willing to bet he won't be!

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Michał Przywara
22:06 Sep 09, 2022

Thanks, Francois! Villainous is a good way of putting it :) I think you're right, too. He's probably no more loyal to Anna than to Miranda. Seems like kind of a flakey person. I appreciate the feedback!

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H L McQuaid
11:56 Sep 09, 2022

Great way to reveal the MC's true nature, he gets more and more despicable with each paragraph. Some great phrases, like 'bucket of your tears' and 'frozen onion heart'. The last few stories you've written some truly annoying characters, and I am HERE for it. :)

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Michał Przywara
21:02 Sep 09, 2022

Heh, you're right :) Maybe I've been subconsciously annoyed lately, and it made its way into the stories. At least I hope it's that, and not that I've been subconsciously annoying :P Given it was a bit more ridiculous a story, I absolutely took the opportunity to play around with expressions. It's a nice break from starker prose. Thanks for reading :)

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Suma Jayachandar
09:48 Sep 09, 2022

Haha, what a thoroughly entertaining read, Michal. This guy totally deserves the onion-hearted boyfriend award, if there is one; So full of layers that would bring tears with emptiness at his core- what a character! The transition of this schmuck's tone- a self-congratulatory one in the beginning to an OMG! is this the worst fiasco of my dating life? mortification towards the end was hilarious. Thanks for sharing!

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Michał Przywara
20:52 Sep 09, 2022

Heh, thanks Suma :) I like this comment - onion, layers, tears :) Yep. Blinded by some misguided, self-absorbed vitriol, I'm pretty sure he sabotaged himself and thus has nobody else to blame :) Schmuck indeed. I'm glad it was amusing - thanks for the feedback!

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Amanda Lieser
03:55 Sep 09, 2022

Oh my gosh! Michal, I was literally LOLing ad I read this piece. I loved hearing your MC’s thoughts. I loved the way they were texting someone else during the date. I loved the way their chief complaint of Miranda is how terrible she is with money. I loved the twist ending. It was incredibly well done. And deliciously creative! Nice job!

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Michał Przywara
21:01 Sep 09, 2022

Thanks Amanda :) I'm very happy to hear this generated some laughs :) That, above anything else, was what I was hoping for. I appreciate the feedback!

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L.M. Lydon
00:38 Sep 09, 2022

Wow, the narrator was brutal in his contempt... until. His stream of consciousness held the sort of petty commentary that tends to creep out in relationships. And, wow, has he been harboring... "Every time I turn my head you turn a trick. You don’t even know the meaning of the word loyalty. Man, I can’t wait to dump you and shatter your frozen onion heart." He seems sympathetic at first, but he really starts to go off the rails in a spectacular way ("just like every time I wanted some nookie and you said, ‘No, I just don’t feel good because...

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Michał Przywara
02:46 Sep 09, 2022

Yes, he seems to have a distorted view of things, and it leads to some pretty extreme criticisms. And for what? Because she wanted him to be an equal part of the relationship? He seems unreasonable. It's meant to be extreme to the point of ridiculous, but sadly some people are like this. A wee bit self-absorbed. Thanks for reading!

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Mike Panasitti
16:20 Sep 08, 2022

Just when the narrator's vituperation reaches a crescendo, the reader is delivered a second climax. Millionaire Miranda dumps the nameless main character, condemning him to anonymity (and impecuniousness)! It amazes me how you can spin a yarn like this using a narrative form that is almost exclusively a monologue. Many of the MC's disparaging expressions had me chuckling to myself, and, yes, as the prompt indicates, the tables truly turn on Mr. Vitriol over the course of the meal!

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Michał Przywara
21:47 Sep 08, 2022

Thanks, Mike! Yes, the monologue format was new for me too. An experiment for sure, but I've seen enough great stories on this site use it, that I had to give it a shot. I'm glad it came out clearly. Heh, Mr. Vitriol's a good name. There's definitely some unreasonable, even vicious criticisms there. Maybe he'll learn something from the whole affair, but who knows :) I appreciate the read!

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Amanda Lieser
03:53 Sep 09, 2022

Oh my gosh! Michal I was literally LOLing! I loved this piece. I loved hearing this MC’s thoughts. I loved the twist. I loved the way your MC is texting someone else right at the table. I love that their chief complaint is how terrible Miranda is with money! It was so DELICIOUSLY clever. I devoured every word! Beautifully done!

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