Schrödinger’s Kitty

“Good morning my friend! Up, up, up. Now!”

“Mmffumplemuff!”

“I do beg your pardon, but it’s morning and I’m hungry. And I’m hungry now and it’s morning!” 

“Phdtts. Stop it you mangy mongrel, get off my face!”

“Mongrel? Indeed! I’m no cur, no slavering, slavish mutt. ‘We are not impressed, We are not amused,’ now get up you lazy piece of no good human.”

“Kitty!”

“Schrödinger!”

“Get off!”

“My God, you don’t need to be rude about it, and throwing me off the bed is just spiteful. Now hurry up, I’m waiting… the longer you take, the louder I wait… I’m WAITING! DYING OF HUNGER HERE, THIS IS CAT ABUSE!”

“Shut up you good-for-nothing feline.”

“Hurry up you good-for-nothing human! Sheeze it’s been whole night and I’ve been trapped inside this room with you. The least you could do is feed me.”

“I have no idea how I ended up with a cat. I have a great mind, I’ve pondered Physics and Philosophy yet I’m answering to a feral fluff ball who stomps on my face every morning.”

“Yeah, like I lucked out in the owner department. You know Misty next door brags that her owner always remembers to feed her on time, in fact Misty says that sometimes her owner forgets she has already fed her and she gets two breakfasts. Imagine that! Two! Count ‘em. One, two.”

“Here you go, Kitty. Now shut up and let me work today, won’t you.”

“Oh, ho, ho! Tuna. Life’s looking up! Omm, nom, nom.”

“You are disgusting, slow down before you choke yourself to death. Oh, on second thoughts, knock yourself out! Hope there’s bones in it!”

“Oh, I’m in heaven, gastronomical heaven, so good! I think it’s time for a postprandial nap, this looks like the perrrrfectspot. I’ll just crunch it up a bit.”

“Kitty! Get off! Don’t you dare… oh you little shit, that’s my research paper. Get down! Hissst!”

“Rude much!”

“Bloody cat, for God’s sake this is three years of research you cretin.”

“Oh dear, Schrödinger, I don’t feel so good…”

“No! Oh no you don’t you bloody feral feline. Don’t you dare…”

“I think I’m gonna puke…”

“Not on my mat…”

“Heck, heck, hack!” 

“Gross!”

“Hmm, that’s certainly not as appealing the second time around…”

“Dear God, why do I keep you?”

“You can have it, Schrody, my friend, I don’t think I like tuna anymore. I’ll just find a little warm patch in the sun.”

“Just stay out of my way.”

”I’m just gonna curl up here and catch me some sunshine.”

****

“Schrody, Schrody, I’m hungry again! Schrödinger?”

“Get out.”

“Schrody, Schrody Schrody! How lovely does your leg feel? Oh so nice to rub against.”

“Shut up, I’m thinking. Quantum physics won’t just think itself.”

“Shrody, Schrödinger. I’m here, pay attention to meeee!”

“You are quite the noisiest cat.”

“Well my dear Schrödinger, you are quite the most boring human that I have ever met.”

“If ‘quantum particles can exist in a superposition of states at the same time and collapse down to a single state upon interaction with other particles’ then…”

“You are saying words human, scratch my back, come on, you know you want to.”

“The Copenhagen Interpretation is ridiculous, in reality. Until you observe it, a particle is both there and not there…”

“I’m here, you’re here, pat me, pat me, pat me…”

“You are one annoying animal, I’m trying to think.”

“Oh, but the butt scratches are divine, I need to kneed your knee…”

“Ow! Claws!”

“Well that’s rude, I thought we were having a moment.”

“Just stay over there and let me think! You are a menace.”

“I’m just going to stay over here and ignore you. Bloody cranky old bastard.”

***

“Um, Schrödinger? Still hungry.”

“Get lost.”

“Um, no really. I’m hungry. I puked up all the fish, now I’m empty from the inside out.”

“Go away.”

“A cat’s gotta eat.”

“By mathematical equation, a sub atomic partial can be in two places at one time. A fifty-fifty probability. But by the laws of physics that’s not possible-”

“It’s possible that I’m hungry, right now.”

“-Until it’s observed there is not a chance of one hundred percent certainty.”

“Well I’m one hundred percent starving here. Come on! Have pity on me.”

“So…”

“Gonna die! STARVING TO DEATH AGAIN!”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake, shut your caterwauling!”

“I’m a cat, that’s what we do.”

“Don’t be sick again or you’ll be outside you ungrateful heap of flea ridden fur.”

“Hey! I bathe hourly. I’m cleaner than you! When was the last time you had a bath?”

“I wonder if I could pack you in a box and send you to my mother, you irritating animal.”

“A box! You sir, are inhumane.”

“Look, if you don’t shut your meowing this instant, I’m putting you in that packing box and sealing it up, so help me if I don’t.”

“Ooooh a box! If it fits, I sits! Comfy, comfy, comfy. Thanks Schrody old pal, this is just super, look at me, this is my own place.”

“Good, now stay there and be quiet, I’m working.”

”Just going to close my eyes for a while and enjoy my space.”

***

“Um, Schrody?”

…

“Schrödinger?”

…

“HUNGRY!”

“Oh for the love of God, what now?”

“You don’t believe in God.”

“You are a pain in my arse! Come on, eat that, shut up and let me work.”

“Kibble! Really, what do I look like? I don’t see you eating kibble.”

“If you turn your nose up at that, then don’t come meowing to me that you’re hungry, or I will really shut you into the box next time. Now let me finish my work.”

“I do like the box.”

…

“Perhaps I’ll sleep here.”

…

“Or maybe… just maybe… PSYCHO TIME!”

“Would you stop that! Stop it! You will knock something over.”

“Look at me go, faster than lightning, yeah, yeah. A kitty on a mission. Get that tail! Zoom zoom!”

“Gotcha.”

“Um, Schrödinger? Did the lights go out. A little help please.”

“I said I’d put you in a box if you didn’t stop being a pain.”

“Ah, Schrody, I’m in a box. I’m trapped. I can’t get out.”

“Now if this were a steel container, and it was secured so the cat couldn’t interfere…”

“I need to get out now Schrody, feeling a little claustrophobic!”

“… and I were to add a little bit, just a tiny little bit mind you, of radioactive substance, so that in the course of one hour only one of the atoms would decay…”

“Schrody?”

“…but it’s equally probable that none would…”

“Ah, Schrödinger?”

“…and I set it up, with a Geiger counter, and if the reaction breaks a flask of something, I don’t know, maybe hydrocyanicacid?”

“Schrödinger, old buddy, old pal. You’re scaring me.”

“There is an equal probability that the reaction did, or did not occur. We do not see it. The cat is both alive and dead.”

“What the hell? Are you a psychopath?”

“That’s preposterous. Quite ridiculous. It proves that wavefunction collapses are not driven by conscious observers.”

“Thank God, you had me worried.”

“Thanks Kitty, you really helped me to think things through.”

“That’s great. It’s a relief to know I’m appreciated. Will you let me out now?”