L’orinne Loves…New Year’s Looks!

Submitted into Contest #74 in response to: Write a story in the form of a top-ten list.... view prompt

6 comments

Funny Contemporary People of Color

“Write a top ten NYE party looks and beauty must-haves list”, the last minute brief went, landing into my inbox on a Wednesday morning where my only plans had been continuing to eat chocolate for breakfast. Yes, that’s right. We’re in yet another lockdown and the government is fining people who meet up with others, yet Glimmer remain resolute that you, dear reader, want to squeeze into a tiny sequinned something and spend hundreds painting your eyelids to resemble fireworks.

Fine. Let the cosmetics countdown begin.

10. (Also the number of times this year I’ve asked to be paid as much as my male co-workers, without success).

Nothing screams NYE like GLITTER. BeautySpy’s little shining pot of twinkling gel is pricey, but a little goes a long way. You can use it on your cheekbones, collarbones, décolletage and still be finding it in places it really shouldn’t be (no matter how ‘biodegradable’ it claims it is) for weeks to come.

9. (Also how many interns have quit in 2020 as a result of Glimmer’s bullying culture).

Mak’s ‘Scythe’ liquid eyeliner will both slay your enemies and reel in the romantic love interests. So their press release says, clearly written before our chances to have casual sex were scuppered. It’s also waterproof, so when it gets to 11:59 and you realise you haven’t even had a hug in months it’s only your wine you need to worry about topping up.

8. Like the number of iterations of my name Sal suggested that would “resonate with what our readers imagine a POC columnist would have”. Apparently it’s not enough that I’m black; Lauren has to go, paving the way for L’orrine.

Anyway. Morf have made a gold eyeshadow that actually shows up on Zoom calls, so buy it so you can be dazzled by its glinting glory instead of paying attention to your cousin complaining his takeaway took forty minutes to be delivered instead of the estimated thirty.

7. Clique’s ‘24 hour hydration serum slick’ actually gave me a rash, but they’re one of our sponsors, so in it goes.

6. The 90s revival continues with Be-YOU-tiful’s gorgeous velvet scrunchies – something to tie your hair back when the out of date (because food shortages have meant you haven’t been able to buy anything fresh for weeks) cheesy snacks you served your guests* fight with all the bubbly you’ve downed and you’re retching into the toilet bowl at 1am.

*i.e. you, and the imaginary friends you’ve invented to keep you company in isolation.

5. Roughly the number of times I get cut off in a meeting, attempting to share an article idea of my own, by Sal, Toni and Caz who wrestle it to the ground and pummel it out of recognition, then give for Annie to do. I’ve seen Annie spell ‘kind regards’ as ‘kind regrads” in emails thousands of times but she is the head honcho’s goddaughter so we must treat her as though sonnets shine out of her backside and she spits Shakespeare.

Anyway, Lemoncrime’s ‘Falsie Frenzy’ stick on lashes. Buy them. Perhaps fluttering them will blowback some of those pesky covid particles.

4. The amount of attempts it took me to guess Sal’s password, so I could post this online without first needing her approval. Even though literally everyone else who has worked here as long as I have are trusted to upload their copy themselves.

Harry M’s ‘Dunes Demigod’ highlighter looks so pretty under the disco ball you’ve strung up in your kitchen because you miss clubbing that much. So spend the cash you’re no longer spending on taxis to be all glowy, inside and out.

3. Add three zeros and that’s the savings the pandemic has helped me put by to keep me going between finally leaving Glimmer (surprise!) and choosing out of the dozen or so publishers who have headhunted me.

At NYE celebrations you’ll not only want to be looking your best, but smelling it to. Molly Bubby Brune’s ‘Starlet’ with its classic notes of sandalwood, rose and just a hint of basil will let you know whether or not you still have the ability to sniff out a fragrance, meaning you can at least cross one potential corona symptom off your list. Also, turn to page 75 for an interview with its purported creator and star of hit TV show Weird Happenings, as part of the deal meant us having to write separately somewhere about the latest stuff she’s hawking.

2. Let’s face it, you’re probably going to be getting blackout drunk on the evening of the 31st, but if your one of those that showers before bed instead of collapsing into it still clutching onto half a sandwich, look to Bossier’s coffee-infused body scrub. Slough off the dried tears and spilt prosecco and for best results use their creamy matching body lotion after you’ve towelled off.

1. Planning to spend most of New Year’s Day in bed, now that going anywhere else is actively discouraged? A silk pillow sheet can be a worthwhile investment. It causes less damage to the hair than regular pillow sheets and leaves your face looking less crinkly when you eventually summon the energy to emerge. Good to know, given how prone we’ve all become to staring into mirrors wondering where it all went wrong, when we’re not staring at our phones wondering the same, but of others.

Apologies Sal and co. That last tip wasn’t strictly an accessories or make up recommendation, but my independent research has shown readers like it when I write these supplementary spin offs. That’s why I created my vlog, Lauren’s Learnings: Holistic Heat, to share with real women what’s hot and what’s not when it comes to living beautifully. I focus on connecting the body with the mind, in recognition that learners have both. I won’t be swayed by gimmicks and marketing drivel and neither should you. You owe it to yourself.

I look forward to sharing what I’ve found that works and look forward to learning from you guys as well. See ya on the flip side and for now, join me in wishing 2020 a big F*CK OFF!

December 30, 2020 15:22

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6 comments

Bianka Nova
23:35 Jan 01, 2021

Super sassy story! Loved it. Your copywriting experience does show a lot in this one. Great ending too, just what I was expecting. Happy New Year! 😊

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Karen McDermott
11:40 Jan 02, 2021

Happy new year to you too! Thanks for reading 😄It certainly brought back a lot of deadline-related flashbacks, writing this story! Haha

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H L McQuaid
12:00 Dec 31, 2020

Fantastic, made me laugh several times.

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Karen McDermott
13:14 Dec 31, 2020

Fab! That was my goal :D thanks for reading!

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Jonathan Blaauw
08:05 Dec 31, 2020

I’ve been going through a bit of an unReedsy phase (which is now over, I think) and I’m so glad yours was the first story I read upon returning. Although, I deliberately headed over here first because I knew I’d find quality. Writing a story in list-form is tricky, but you’ve managed to convey, with the clever insertions and asides, a complete story excellently. It’s not just humorous (and here you’ve reminded me again of how much that can enhance a story) but also clever and relevant. And that comes through not in what you write, but how ...

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Karen McDermott
11:22 Dec 31, 2020

Yay, welcome back! I was thinking of heading over yesterday to check if you'd written anything lately but thought "nah, best not disturb, he's probably penning yet another masterpiece." And thank you so much for that feedback :) I'm hungry to write more listicles now. Perhaps I should make that my fallback format over a 'dear diary' story. I'm a little early, but I hope 2021 is good to you and good to Reedsy in the shape of more stories from you :)

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