Day 6274 + 0
You pace the length of the room, over and over and over. The same ten feet you’ve crossed a million times. Your shaggy lavender rug, with yellow flowers woven in, is tattered and torn from a century of weight.
Up, down, up, down. Feet hitting the floor.
There’s nowhere else to go.
Over and over and over.
Day 6274 + 29
Your room is your haven. One big box of space, with a bed pushed into a corner, a desk in another. The walls are painted baby blue, like an ocean dialed down.
It’s supposed to make you feel calm.
Day 6274 + 56
The books you’ve read have glorified ADHD. Sometimes it's a tool. Other times it’s just a pain. It’s always a small character trait, though. Like the author casually sprinkled in the crane that wrecks a life.
One, two, three. Crushed flowers.
You can never stop moving. Stop thinking. Stop tapping. Your mind is never the calm ocean, just a collage of videos. It’s overpowering.
And when you’re stuck in a single room for years, your sanity’s downfall.
Day 6274 + 64
Sometimes you can only express yourself through abstract nonsense, in a way visual arts just can’t measure up to.
So you turn to poetry.
You love haiku especially, how the 17-or-under syllables can carry oceans of meaning. The best part is they don’t even have to make sense.
They’re like little snapshots of time.
Day 6274 + 65
piece by piece, broken
rainbows crumbling to the ground
the songbird’s last cry
Day 6274 + 83
There’s nothing to do in this room.
You don’t want to touch your blue walls with your paintbrush, so instead you watercolor in your sketchbook. Always concentric circles. Rings inside of rings inside of rings, dipping the paintbrush in and out of the water. The colors melt into each other, a beautiful embrace.
It’s like you harnessed a rainbow. A ribbon of vibrancy, tied to the page. But the sun can’t stay out without a cloud passing by, and you never finish a book without being sad it’s over, and your colors come at a cost. The water gets murky. Dried up sunshine. So you empty it out the window and refill.
It’s a long way down from your window. Up in a crooked tower, the view would be stunning if not for the endless trees. Sunshine blooms in the aquamarine skies, but the grass below you can’t flourish while being dumped with gray water daily.
Nothing comes without a cost, and you’ve paid too much already.
Day 6274 + 90
The highlight of your life is your mother. While you’re in your room, she’s collecting tales to tell you when she returns.
Your mother is your rose, your rainbow, your dancing sun. She tells you everyone you need to know about the world, while keeping you safe in your tower.
Mother knows best.
Day 6274 + 121
soft petals against cement
a discarded rose
She brought you a rose today.
It’s so pretty, vivid petals hugging each other.
She said she found it tossed on the side of the road.
Day 6274 + 138
Your hair is like your anchor. It’s always there, five pounds of gold locks twisted into a braid. It has the same comfort as a weighted blanket.
Other times, you wish you could throw your hair away. Thrust a fist through the window, slash a piece of glass around your scalp. Toss your prize out the window for the squirrels to nestle in.
But you never touch your hair, for it’s the pride of your your mother.
Twice a month, she’ll help you with your golden monstrosity. You’ll sit by the window as the sky grows dark, pale clouds dotting the iris dusk. She’ll take out your braid and brush it until it’s smooth. You sing while you watch the birds swoop, sweet lyrics embedded in your head.
You barely register the words any more, having sung it so many times.
Day 6274 + 159
The walls are closing in.
You feel trapped, you feel lost, you feel forgotten.
There’s nowhere to go.
Nowhere to run.
Nowhere other than this flowered carpet, the blue walls, the piles of sketchbooks and novels.
You’re practically wasting away.
Day 6274 + 167
You want so much.
You want to feel the green grass tickling your feet.
You want to run a finger down the cold cobblestone of the tower’s exterior.
You want to laugh and run, fighting against the warm wind as the sun waves goodbye.
You want to see, you want to hear, you want to smile so much your face hurts.
When you tell this to your mother, she just shushes you. “Don’t be greedy,” she tuts.
You have everything you need.
Food, a bed, activities for creating. A loving mother.
You don’t need the world when you have this room and it’s contents.
You don’t deserve the world.
Day 6274 + 200
But what if you want the world?
Day 6274 + 201
You’re tired of wishing on the stars.
Every night, you walk to the windowsill, dressed in a white nightgown, your hair coiled around your neck like a scarf. You pull open the windows and lean against the windowsill, closing your eyes. Letting the cool night air brush against your face.
It’s the only thing you like about this tower—how it feels at night. The ink-covered world is laid out beneath you, the stars glimmering in the coal sky.
Day 6274 + 202
Some people blow kisses.
You blow wishes.
Whispering all of your crinkled dreams, hoping they’ll spiral on the wind.
You don’t believe in magic.
But maybe, just maybe, the stars will hear.
Day 6274 + 232
dotted with twinkling amber
wish upon a star
Day 6274 + 249
You feel suffocated.
Day 6274 + 250
You feel forgotten.
Day 6274 + 251
You feel trapped.
Day 6274 + 252
Like a bird with tied wings, you want to leave, to fly, to dream, but instead you’re helplessly rooted to the ground.
Day 6274 + 260
Of this room.
Of these books.
Of the filled sketchbooks.
Of watching time tick by, but nothing new changes.
You realize that if you timelapsed your nearly-17-years-of-life, it would look like it was looped.
Day after day after day.
Day 6274 + 323
The days blur.
And they blend.
And weeks pass -
Day 6274 + 330
You don’t like long poetry as much (but you know there’s value in it too), but today you wrote something called “lost”.
Day 6274 + 331
You wanted to show your mother, but you held back.
Day 6274 + 332
What if she doesn’t like it?
It’s kind of weird.
Day 6274 + 335
lost in a haze
black and white
blurred in a d a z e
world crumbling to
f i n e onyx dust,
lost in another world
of lilac thoughts
and opalescent dreams
memo r i e s
tossing and turning
a l i
lost in a world of cotton
collecting lost marbles
g o n e
eyes flutter shut
other realms broadcasted
behind your e y e l i d s
the cracked boundaries
of what was real
smudged on the
Day 6274 + 349
You’ve decided to leave.
No more hair ropes.
No more pretty pink smiles.
You want to claim back your life.
Day 6274 + 360
But it’s hard to find the strength you need to do some things.
After all, this room is your haven.
Do you really, truly want to go?
What about your mother?
She’d never let you leave.
But she can’t control you.
You’ve used that word countless times without doing it justice.
“But” is a word that says it isn’t the end of the story.
“But” is voicing your opinions.
Voicing isn’t enough.
The next step is action.
You can’t use “but” if you’re not going to do something about a problem.
And you’ve decided that this feeling of hopelessness hanging over your head qualifies.
Day 6274 + 365
Another year has passed already for the tied down bird.
Yet you think should completely discard that analogy because luckily, you’re not a bird, and you have opposable thumbs that work just fine when it comes to escapes.
It’s your birthday, actually.
Which means you’re 17 years overdue for...a lot.
Day 6274 + 365
Once upon a time
You wished on dandelions
Laughing in the strawberry sunlight
As you danced on faerie tiptoes
Until your worried melted away
Now, you’re trying to get up
But you’re lying in the dust
You want to take a stand
Yet no one lends a hand
And broken, so, so broken
There’s no happily ever after for every story
~ Serenity Azzlyn
Day 6274 + 365
You’ve been repeating that quote to myself since the beginning of your memories. It’s a clip of a larger spoken word poem, and for years, you agreed with the poetess. Her words became your anthem in the tower, the reasoning you turned to every time you got too ahead of myself. You melted into the acceptance that your didn’t need to leave, your were perfectly fine here, and that happily ever after was just a mirage on the horizon.
But now, as you get ready to leave, you think that that reasoning should pack its bags too.
Because if you keep chasing after that happy ending, then maybe, just maybe, you’ll reach it.
You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.
Hey, so many people are getting downvoted...inculding me.... I am so sadddd.. I lost 100 points today..it hit hard
Yea...my friends have lost thousands and I’ve lost like 5,000 KP today alone. Yikes, I’m so sorry! Being downvoted for the first time really sucks. Do you wanna do an upvote-for-upvote? If you spam replies to this I’ll upvote em’ all 🥺
Sure. I dont understand. It seems like the more you gain the more you lose. I only started loosing points when I started speaking up against downvoting and I started upvoting a lot.
Yeah... I know this is random, but kinda feel like I caused downvoting to some extent. Not that I was downvoting people, because I would never do that, but I mean...I got on Reedsy in like July 2020. Everything was perfectly normal and peaceful. But when I advanced on the leaderboard with super few stories, I started being downvoted. And, like, this was the first instance of this ever happening. And I was the only one. So I lost a ton of points, but my friends helped me, then they were downvoted, but since Reeders are too nice for that, oth...
Aerin. Who cares if you advanced on a few stories? How did you get on the leaderboard someone might ask? It's because people liked your stories because you are an amazing author! When people downvote it's because they don't feel good about themselves. I don't care if this comment downvotes me anymore. I consider you my FRIEND. And NO ONE, I MEAN NO ONE, messes with my friends. I can take the hit. Yes, it's sad, but you know what? I have amazing friends here who support me no matter what. So don't blame this on yourself. I certainly don't. So...
I am sad
I am sad
CMON MISSY GET ON WITH THE SPAM!
OKIIIII THANK YOU AGAINNNN!!!!!!!!!
Again, I don’t really know how much you want?? So nevermind ima spam this message one more time and you can choose how many of my comments you want to upvote <3 Tyyyyy 🥺💖
OKIIIII THANK YOU AGAINNNN!!!!!!!!!
wonderful story, i love the way you write!
Happy b-day Aerin! Wishing u the best! Lots of love, K
Happy birthday Aerin :)) I hope you have a wonderful day
Thank you so much! XD
HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY AERINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *CONFETTI* *CONFETTI*
THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK YOUUUUUUUUU KAAAATE!!!!!!!!
OFCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you do anything fun?
HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY AERIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I am putting this now in case I forget tomorrow but I know I will not forget but I'm putting it anyways if you don't see it tomorrow) 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
THANK YOU AMETHYST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😭😭😭💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
:DDDDD NP :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD I'll do it again tomorrow because saying happy birthday ON THE ACTUAL BIRTHDAY is better than only an early one or both >:)
WHOOT WHOOT! Emoji puzzle 4: Home school is boring
YUPPP And I have a whole heap of it rn...😭 Let’s playyy...HOW MUCH HOMEWORK DOES AERIN HAVE?: - 10 loooong math problems (like easily 3-5 minutes each because it’s tHaT kinda math) - A weird PE assignment that I didn’t know existed and was already due (so I got a zero, ugh, but once I turn it in stuff with *hopefully* be fine) - A bunch of slides in this History thingy - I have to read and log my reading, but that smol - OH, RIGHT, I ALSO HAVE TO DO A SCIENCE THINGAMAJIG. XD
Aww, I feel so bad for you :( I procrastinate all the time
Lol shanks :3 Sameeee
WHOOT WHOOT! Emoji puzzle 1: Dear Evan Hansen
I forgot to reply to this but YAAAS
Heyaaa! I'm writing a new story(s) and I was wondering if you'd like to be in it! If you want to be in it, please fill the thingy out below: Name: Gender: Sexuality: Normal Clothing: Personality (please describe well): Eye Color: Hair Color: Skin Color: Power(s) (might be included: (P.S. WHOOOOO! GOING ((hybridly) BACK TO SCHOOL! WHOOT WHOOT!)
Hiiii! Aww, I’d love to be in it!!!!!! Name: Uhm...Aerin lol (I know when putting together a character is at lest somewhat fictionalized, but ima keep my name XD) Gender: female Sexuality: idk? Ooh, let’s make her lesbian! Normal clothing: somewhat darker race shirts (or regular T-shirts), colorful leggings. And black hoodies. I loooove black hoodies >:3 Personality: Basically me? But like better hehe. Sassy/funny, bright and bubbly BUT CAN BE super grumpy because she’s not a huge fan of real people, stubborn, crazy, and let’s make her sup...
Alr! Thanks! Here's the list of people that are going to be in it. I'd like for you to pick one person (if you'd like) to be your best friend. Luna, Sapphire, Carolina Shaw, Celeste, B.W, Mania. (Luna and Sapphire are sisters.) (Celeste is the head of the group because she was the first one in the bunker ((also because her personality is bossy.))
Ooh, can I be Saph’s fictional best friend? Hehe
How about You, Saph, and B.W? Does that work for you?
AERIN SAPH WAS DOWNVOTED TO 2000 HELPPPPP
OH NOOOOO I’LL UPVOTE HERRRR SMDOAMOAJAJSDJ...it’s sad there’s so many people to upvote 😭😭😭
asdkjfhasidfhaisdfhpiawe prAHGPUAOSDHGASD yeah .... :<
Hey. I saw that the downvoters struck. That's why I upvoted a ton. Would you mind upvoting me? Thanks, Aerin. :)
Aww thank you so much! Of course <3
OMG Thanks! You got me to 432 eek!
I put a notice in my bio for people to upvote mira, Annabelle, sapphire, blixxi and you
Aw thank you! But I don’t really need upvoting as much, I’m pretty used to be downvoted by now lol
Just upvoted you 130+ points Aerin to get you back your KPs. You deserve it. And whoever the downvoter is is so pathetic!! :( Not cool. Don't worry. I got u ;)
Thank you!!!!! Yeaaa...as I was just telling someone, the downvoter is not only annoying, but they also hide and are freaking anonymous 😒 Lol. Tyyyy! UNO REVERSE CARDD
Of course! Anytime.
Wow, congrats on 31000 points Aerin! You are such an inspiration to me, and an incredible writer, and Reedsy is so lucky to have you a part of it ❤️👍
Aw, thank you SO much!!!!!!! 💛
Of course! You’re so talented, I’m so happy to know you 😄❤️
Know what I like? A lot of your comments are upvoted to 40 :)
Ascmxksmxm and it’s absolutely crazy, thank you [to everyone] <3
Hey Aerin!! Happy Birthdayy I remembered from last year haha! I hope this year treats you amazinglyy
Thank youuuuu Ugochi!! You toooooooo!
Happy Birthday, Aerin. Wishing you loads of joy, and bubbly character. 😘🎈✨🎁 (PS - Apologies, if the time zone is wrong. If I'm correct, it's ten pm, 16th March?)
Thank you, Niveeidha!!!!!!!
No problem. :)
Thank you so much for writing this. Another writer on this website (Philip) recommended me to read this, and I'm so glad that I did. When you write from the heart, it will almost always touch readers hearts' (which you certainly did to mine.) The short sentences, the poetry, the description; this was truly a work of art Aerin. This is my first time reading one of your stories (and no matter how much you tell that that you didn't like this story) I thought it was beautiful. The nature references and similes you used for this story fit so p...
Oh my gosh, thank you SO much for all of the feedback! I always incredibly appreciate such kind, thought-out comments; it means a lot 🥺 Ooh! I’m happy to explain. If you piece together all of the underlined words (there’s only a handful because I didn’t want the result to take TOO long to put together), you get a message, sort of another poetic line related to the story. Thank youuu 💛 My pleasure, I’m so happy you liked it! So true...when I did the math, 8% of my entire life has been in lockdown, which is insane. I can’t wait until life ca...
I totally get it, life in lockdown has been awful, but I'm so glad that my family and I have been very healthy *knocks on wood.* If I can stay home and save someone from dying from this awful disease, my boredom is worth it. Also, happy early birthday! I look forward to reading more of your stories. :D
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AERIN!!!
Congrats on 1st place Aerin! So happy for u!
Thank you so much!!! <333
What's up? (besides that of course ;)
Nothing much. I have to go to bed soon but for now I’m just chillin’ in bed, watching YouTube, getting ready for tomorrow (I have 2 days of hybrid school a week, and tomorrow is my second one of them). Thanks! Wbu?
just getting thru life in oversized tees and sweatpants lol. i mainly plan on reading and practicing on Duolingo for the next week.