You Knew Me

Date; 02/13/18

Time; 24:30am

It’s late at night, I can’t sleep...I’ve been thinking about him again...even though I stopped crushing on him, my heart feels stronger feelings than last time...I sit upon my windowsill in my room, I watch as rain pours itself down in front of the half-moon that lights up the darkened sky, my head pounds as hard as the rain is pounding against my window. I can’t keep hiding these feelings anymore...I glance towards the transgender flag hanging against my wall, beside the rainbow flag, which has hung there for as long as I can remember, but he’s straight, right? Maybe he would like me if I was still a girl, but I never was a girl, I never wanted to be a girl, why do these thoughts go through my head constantly, I can’t help it. I fling myself onto my bed, trying to relax, but one thing keeps circling back into my thoughts.  Him, just him, the fact that I want to kiss him, embrace him, love him. I sigh. That’s it I’m going to ask him out tomorrow, It’s all I can do...I slowly fall asleep, still thinking about what I’m going to do.

Date; 02/14/18

Time; 12:10pm

I stroll through the park even though it’s icy and cold, hoping to find him and finally ask him out after so long of pondering thoughts. After a while, I finally spot him, His long brown hair tied in what looks like one of those looped buns, his matching dark brown eyes placed perfectly upon his round face. I quickly rush up to him and tap him on the shoulder, he’s much taller than me, yet his height is only 5”11. He looks behind him and notices me smiling up at him. “H-hey!” I stammer, “Um I was wondering if you, wanted to go out with me, on a-” I muster up the courage to finish my sentence “If you wanted to go out with me on a date.” My face immediately flusters up and I feel how hard I blush. He looks shocked as he replies, “I-i’m sorry, who are you?” Everything stops. My face falls and I stare at him in shock, why doesn’t he remember me? I can feel tears stinging the back of my eyes. The lump in my throat causes my voice to break as I manage to continue talking. “W-we go to high school together, were in the same classes, we were best friends in freshman year, do you not remember me??” I fight to keep myself from crying, but I don’t think I can hold it in anymore… “I’m sorry I can’t seem to remember you, but I would be glad to hang out with you sometime to get to know you better.” My emotions mix up with each other, he doesn’t remember me, but he agrees to hang out with me. Before I realize it, he’s taken my phone and added his contact information to it, I guess I blanked out. “Hey, can I have your number too?” I give it to him without saying much, I’m not exactly sure how to react right now. As he walks away one thought enters my mind pushing all others out of the way “How?”

Date; 02/16/18

Time; 9:45am

We’ve decided to hang out today at his place, I have no clue what we’re going to do but I don’t know if I want to go...After a lot of thinking and debating with myself, I finally decided that I’ll go, but it’s going to be difficult to control my feelings. 

Date; 02/16/18

Time; 11:45am

As I walk down to his house, I wonder if I should never have agreed at all, he just makes my heart beat out of my chest, yet he doesn’t remember me, I’ve said this so many times, but again, my thoughts just keep swirling around in my head without control. Before I realize it, I’ve reached his address, I almost walked into the door, I guess my body just went by memory. Considering I’ve been here many times before in freshman year.  When I knock on his door, I hear the familiar greeting I’ve heard many times before, Gizmo, his grey, and white pomsky, I can’t wait for him again, it’s been so long...He opens the door with a smile, as if he’s been expecting me, I walk in and he leads me up to his room, of course, I already know where it is, but he doesn’t know that. We end up playing Mario Kart 8 for hours, after a while, one question that’s been buzzing lightly in my head bursts out. “Who was your best friend in freshman year?” The question seems to surprise him, and suddenly he looks down. “You don’t have to tell-” I begin, but he interrupts. Her name was- and then he says my deadname. All of a sudden everything makes sense, he doesn’t know me because he knows her. Suddenly rage clouds my thoughts. I don’t know why, but it just does. I can’t believe that he knew her and not me, I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. “I HATE HER!!” I scream, he looks at me in disbelief. I slap my hand over my mouth, I didn’t mean to scream. My rage got the best of me, I couldn’t control it. Tears stream down my face and I run out of his house without saying another word.

Date; 04/20/18

Time; 14:55pm

It’s been months since I’ve seen him, my phone has hundreds of notifications of just messages from him. I can’t do this anymore, I’m sick, I don’t want to be isolated anymore, but I don’t have the motivation to get up either...I get another notification, and then I hear somebody knocking on the door. “I’m not letting you isolate yourself anymore, open the door!” I hear him shouting from downstairs, eventually, I get out of bed for the first time in weeks and open the door. He’s been crying, I can tell, as soon as I see him. He has tear stains all over his cheeks. Seeing him this way makes me say something that he needs to know, and for the first time in years, I say my dead-name.

Date; 05/22/18

Time; 15:00pm

He asked me to meet him at the park today when I asked him why he said it was a surprise. It leaves me wondering, is it something bad or good? I won’t know until I get there. It’s a beautiful sunny day today, there isn’t a single cloud in the sky. It calms me down as I walk through the park searching for him. When I spot him, my legs start pulling me towards him, I break into a run and when I reach him he smiles like a small child. “I’m glad you’re here,” he says, he sounds nervous. “I need to tell you something…” My anxiety rockets as I wait for him to say what he needs to say. “I...” He hesitates for a moment. “I like you, a lot.” All of a sudden both our faces go red, I smile and say that I like him too, and have for a long time, and before I realize what’s going on, he embraces me and kisses my lips.