Operation Sunflower

Mr. Hernandez sipped his afternoon tea and stared out the window contentedly, unaware that a hoard of squirrels was actively plotting against him. 

One of life’s greatest pleasures could be found right in his backyard. The red hummingbird feeders buzzed with tiny glittering birds, rainbows of light dancing on their shining breasts. A block of peanut suet enticed several varieties of redheaded woodpeckers, their rhythmic tapping as sweet as any birdsong. Cheerful finches and a painter's palette of buntings crusted the thistle socks. Spread across the ground, sunflower seeds, nuts, and corn kernels attracted a wide variety of local birds in astounding numbers. The centerpiece of the smorgasbord was a glass bird bath topped with a beautifully handcrafted bird feeder filled with mealworms. Migratory warblers stopped for this special snack and Mr. Hernandez jotted down the brief visits in his big book. Thanks to careful feeding and well-timed observations, he had checked off several new species on his Life List, including the flashy and fleeting Townsend's Warbler.

Mr. Hernandez protected his hobby by the use of numerous baffles, ultrasonic noise machines, spinners, and zappers. He had even installed a deep-set fence around the perimeter of his backyard to deter digging pests. Absolutely no squirrels were welcome to sample his buffet.

He smiled and savored another sip of Lemon Zinger. A handsome grosbeak was attempting to feed a whole peanut to its juvenile companion. The juvenile flapped its wings urgently and pecked at its parent, cheeping incessantly. The adult unceremoniously stuffed the peanut down the youngster's throat. It gagged, wobbled on its perch, flapped in distress, and finally gulped. The moment the bird could breathe again, it resumed cheeping.

In the nearby maple tree, a squirrel barked and furiously shook its tail. Mr. Hernandez glanced at the squirrel, then reassuringly down at the zapper, certain that the bird feeders would feed only birds.

*

“Operation Sunflower is a go,” Alpha-Alpha shouted from the treetop. She signaled with her bushy gray tail. In an instant, dozens of operatives scurried down the tree trunk and leapt deftly onto the steep roof. 

The squirrels had long known about the zapper. A member of Epsilon troop, high on the perceived invincibility of youth, had once attempted to brave the shock. He scurried over the fence and shut his ears against the screeching machine. He made it out alive, but lived only one more painful week. That was when the Alpha troop formulated a plan. Sentries were distributed for miles around to recruit other tribes. Some were accustomed to working at great heights and others had no fear of dogs. Some were exceptionally large and had strong jaws. Still others had the incredible gift of flight or a propensity for digging deep holes and tunnels. Alpha-Alpha was satisfied with her recruits and assigned each tribe a mission for Operation Sunflower.

The zapper, since made redundant by the irritating ultrasonic screech of the noise machine, was about to be bypassed. Alpha's directive was hard to hear over the constant whine, but determination pushed the troops forward. They scurried along the gutters, leaders calling directions to their subordinates.

“Gamma troop! Take the house connection! Epsilon, you’re on the utility pole!”

The operatives began gnawing at their assignments. The coated wires were soft and easily chewed at first, but the copper cables inside presented a problem. Only the bravest, strongest, and cleverest squirrels were assigned to the wires. One wrong bite could be the end of the entire operation. They and their families would be most richly rewarded upon successful completion of the mission.

While Gamma and Epsilon were on the wire assignments, Kappa team, among the smallest members of the inter-tribal union, were on window duty. Armed with mouthfuls of acorns, and eager to prove their worth, they stationed themselves in the side yard and faced the window. Their ears were pricked and awaiting their command.

“Stand by, Kappa!” shouted Alpha-Alpha over the scampering footfalls and incessant electrical whine. With astounding speed and a confidence of step, she dashed across the slackening cable to supervise Gamma's progress. Gamma-Beta had almost completed his task.

The braver birds screeched at the intruders in an attempt to scare them off the roof. The squirrels, however, were prepared. Lower-ranking troops rushed the birds, stamped their feet, and barked ferociously. Lookouts stationed on the fence shook their tails. The flying squirrels dropped down from the trees like bombardiers. Most of the feathered nemeses took flight and crowed sourly at the invaders.

“All set, Beta?” asked Alpha-Alpha. Her serious black eyes shone. He nodded. Her whiskers twitched and her ears swiveled.

“Now, Kappa!” 

Gamma-Beta licked his yellowed teeth and, with all his might, chomped down on the last cord.

*

An unusual scratchy tapping sound, then the descending drone of an electrical power-down stole Mr. Hernandez's attention. He precariously balanced the cup of tea on his lap and wheeled into the darkened kitchen, not hearing the usual hum of the refrigerator or the grinding of the aquarium filters. He lifted the wall panel and flipped the breaker switches at random, but the room stayed dark. Jaw clenched in consternation, he searched the contact list magnetized to the freezer and called his utility company. 

No record of an outage, they said, but they promised to send someone by to fix it soon. Mr. Hernandez pressed "end" on his cell phone and deposited the tepid tea on the counter. He began to roll back to the window to observe his flock and wait, but the bizarre sound kept him in the room. Tap scratch tippity t-t-t-tap! He peered underneath the sink, terrified he was having a plumbing issue on top of the power outage. Unbeknownst to Mr. Hernandez, scores of squirrels were gorging themselves on his finest seeds and top quality suet.

* 

Chittering cheers erupted from the ranks, voices amplified in the absence of the screeching machine. The squirrels descended on the yard with fervor.

Every member of every unit stuffed their mouths with as many seeds as possible. Alpha team was rewarded with first pickings of the oiled sunflower seeds and Beta descended upon the peanuts. Theta and Iota were tasked with making off with sunflowers, peanuts, and mealworms for the chewing teams. Delta, a tribe well-accustomed to digging, was assigned to burial duty; they carried the corn and shelled peanuts across the yard and over the fence to deposit them in safe places for easy retrieval after the mission.

Kappa troop was desperate to partake in the feast, but stayed on their mission and continued the acorn-based distraction. Some of the Kappas threw the nuts towards the house over and over while others skittered on the roof and shook branches. 

The gorging squirrels, fat and drunk on the thrill of a successful mission, switched gears and began scooping up sunflower seeds to bring back to their nests. They used their clawed hands to scrape them into piles, then stuffed their mouths and dashed over the fence, never fearing the wrath of the zapper. 

Mu, a team almost universally despised by the squirrels, was comprised entirely of chipmunks. Alpha-Alpha insisted that Mu would be valuable to the mission, and her instincts proved correct. The chipmunks were equipped with shockingly deep cheek pouches and within minutes, had cleared the entire yard of dropped seed. Small and speedy, they were able to sneak through the slats in the fence without breaking stride. They deposited their hauls in the holes provided by Delta, and upon mission completion, scurried away with cheeks stuffed full.

A white van equipped with ladders, poles, and looped wires arrived in front of the house. A man with a hard hat stepped from the vehicle and stared up at the utility pole. Mr. Hernandez waved to the man and indicated the problem.

"Retreat!" cried Alpha-Alpha. "Mission accomplished!" 

She scampered over the fence with a gaiety rarely seen in the serious leader. The Kappas scurried away from their post with relief. They could barely contain their excitement to see their reward. 

Babies from all tribes, left alone in their nests, would be overjoyed to see their fattened parents return burdened with gifts.

Cheering with their mouths full, the squirrels dashed up the trees and disappeared.