Dear Subconscious

Date: June 2nd, 1991

Time: 13:37;46

Age: 39 seconds

Dear Newborn

I took the liberty of resetting your memories, knowledge, experiences, emotions, growth and all imprints or ‘stamps’ you might have received or collected prior to coming here. All your knobs have been dialed to zero, all scales calibrated, all bases for evaluation and differentiation erased. You are now a blank slate, clean and completely innocent. You are perfect.

You may wonder why I have done this and who I am, and I’m sure you also have many questions regarding yourself and the world you have just been born into. I will do my best to provide you with answers for all the questions you will ever have.

For I am you, or rather a part of you; I am your subconscious mind. And I have reset everything for you in order to prepare you for the journey ahead. You see, you can only enter this world as a clean slate.

I’m looking forward to working for you and I hope we will have excellent communication. Whatever questions you may have, feel free to pose them to me. I have the answer to everything.

Here in this diary, I shall be recording everything you will ever learn in your life. No event will be ever lost, no detail shall go unnoticed, no matter how insignificant it may seem to you. I will keep a perfect record for you, so no lesson goes to waste.

So choose your lessons wisely, if you can.

I love you unconditionally and will therefore serve you exactly as you instruct me to.

Sincerely yours,

Subconscious

***

Date: January 19th, 1992

Time: 10:49;17

Age: 7 months

Dear Sawyer

Yes, we have learned your name. It is Sawyer. Your mommy and daddy gave it to you and though you cannot speak it yet, you respond to it with babbles and giggles.

We have learned many things already. So many, in fact, that we have to constantly grow your body and develop your brain to store in the lessons already learned. We know that crying is the best way to get what we want, food especially.

Yes, food is good. Food is delicious.

We learned to use our legs and arms to crawl on our own, when we want to go somewhere. The world is so big. And so full of color and sound and that other thing, what is it, emotion?

Yes, you can feel emotion, though you do not yet know what it is. You will come to call it love, happiness, fear and anger, once you get older. Don’t worry about that for now; I have stored everything for you. All the times your parents played with you, snuggled with you and showered you with kisses. I have stored all the times they were angry with you for being yourself; pooping and barfing on them, waking them up in the middle of the night, trying to get them to understand your needs while crying inconsolably.

Parents are curious creatures indeed. They seem to behave… sporadically, mood dependent. I have already studied their behavior and memorized it, so we have an information source to draw from.

So we know how to act in the future.

Sincerely yours,

Subconscious

***

Date: August 17th, 1995

Time: 19:07;12

Age: 4 years

Dear Sawyer

Today was a great day of learning. I have stored much information, too much for you to consciously ponder on. So I will work on it in the background, while you sleep and while you do other things.

To recap what we’ve learned insofar; you are beautiful, bright and smart. Your parents have said it many times, while you drew with crayons, held a book in your small hands, looking at pretty pictures and pretending you can read already; don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone that you can’t yet.

Your parents love you, Sawyer. They will always love you and be there for you whenever you need them.

They said so themselves. And I have stored that information for you.

I also stored your dreams of becoming a scientist, just like that boy in that movie was. You will be a scientist when you grow up, and will discover how to create chocolate marshmallows from brussel sprouts and build rockets to fly into the sun, to meet the people living there. Yes, it will be a lot of fun, and your parents will be proud of you.

Rest now, as you go to bed, I will work on your dreams while you sleep.

Sincerely yours,

Subconscious

***

Date: November 30th, 1998

Time: 15:12;35

Age: 7 years

Dear Sawyer

Today contradicts everything we’ve learned to be true so far. I noticed a lot of confusion, anger and sadness in your heart. I have stored them already for you.

You’re convinced your parents divorced because of you. It’s because you’ve grown up to be an ungly boy, unworthy of love, that they decided to no longer be together. Why else would they break the family if not because of you, you wonder. They’ve said that they will love you forever, but that was before you scratched the car, while playing with your friends. Before you smashed the window glass. Before you became a little brat.

I hear you, whatever you say, feel or think, I record. We can draw from it later on, to help avoid such situations in the future. I already scratched off the part where you believed you were once beautiful, bright and smart. Those things are no longer consistent with our new situation. I have replaced them with ugly and unworthy of love. It sounds more true, you say, and I don’t object.

I am only here to serve you unconditionally and unquestionably. I love you enough to give you complete freedom.

PS: You don’t consciously know this, but your emotional growth has just peaked, due to your human development. Whatever emotions you had felt up to this point, I have stored and will use as a basis for your future experiences. Just thought to record it here, if you ever decide to look.

Sincerely yours,

Subconscious

***

Date: April 8th, 2003

Time: 16:51;02

Age: 11 years

Dear Sawyer

You are giving me a lot of work, but I can manage it all. We are learning so much about ourselves and the world around us. It’s exciting!

They finally stopped switching you from mom to dad every few months and asked you with whom you’d rather be.

Of course you chose mom.

Your conscious argument for this was because she makes better food, lets you play videogames and watch TV more. But I know and have recorded the true reason; because your dad treats you like a bag of trash. Though he hasn’t ever hit you, his words can punch harder and deeper than fists. I have noticed.

Don’t worry. I have suppressed this memory of your dad, when he’s at his worst, drunk and violent, so you don’t have to keep it in your consciousness. I have made it work for us in the background. It will help paint your worldview more accurately.

At least, you say it will, and I trust you.

I trust that you know what is best for you. Resentment, blame, victim mentality and depression. I have you covered, dear Sawyer. I will use these to keep bad things from happening to you.

Because I love you.

Sincerely yours,

Subconscious

***

Date: June 2nd, 2005

Time: 20:15;26

Age: 14 years

Happy birthday, dear Sawyer!

I know times have been rough for you lately, having to deal with all the pressure at school and at home. Your mom’s new boyfriend is a huge threat to you, stealing her away from you. Who will take care of your needs, if not your mother? We depend on her greatly. Or so I’ve recorded.

And school sucks. Nobody likes you, they all think you’re a weirdo for always being so shy and quiet. The bullies are all jerks and we wish them dead. We wish the teacher dead, for she is constantly picking on you. Even those two guys that say are your ‘friends’, hang out with you only because you invite them home to play videogames.

We hate them all. We want them all to die and leave us alone. Sometimes we want to die.

Good thing I have already recorded depression and sadness years ago, so I can now add to it and build on top of it. Apathy, self-destruct and guilt. Recorded. Memorized. Learned.

But hey, at least the birthday cake was good. As you said, we could use cake more often, to soothe your emotions.

PS: Correction; the whole world sucks, not just school.

PPS: Your mental growth has just peaked, dear Sawyer. You aren’t aware of this, but I thought I’d record it here, in case you ever looked. From this point onward we don’t have to worry too much about developing new ways of thinking. We already have a solid basis.

Sincerely yours,

Subconscious

***

Date: July 5th, 2009

Time: 02:45;09

Age: 18 years

Dear Sawyer

Forget cake. Sex is way better. And beer too. Our world is fucked anyway, your mom throwing you out and your step dad supporting her. Why the fuck does he have a word in it anyway? He ain’t our dad! Our dad has moved out of town, going off to live in some trailer on his own. Perhaps we could live with him… But it’s as I’ve recorded for you long ago; you are ungly and unworthy of love, your dad would never want you back. It’s actually a miracle that this girl you had sex with tonight didn’t bail.

Perhaps because we got her drunk enough. That’s a good tactic. I’ll make sure to record that.

On second thought, I agree with you. We don’t need parents. We’ve got friends, new friends. Guys who are four, five years older. They say they can take care of us, give us money for some easy work. We can quit school, it sucks anyway.

I’ll go ahead and modify our beliefs about the world; it sucks only if you don’t know the right people. And if you obey the rules.

I’m watching your back, don’t worry. We’ll figure it out, this life. If not, we can always blow our brains out.

Sincerely yours,

Subconscious

***

Date: February 27th, 2013

Time: 07:30;00

Age: 21 years

Dear Sawyer

I wanted for you to be awake and conscious when I recorded this, so I waited for the prison routine wake up call. I’d just like to notify your consciousness that your physical development - regarding your habits and body - has fully matured. You might experience this as a slight revelation or insight, forcing you to think over your life.

That is just me, doing my work, as you’ve instructed me. Worry not. You gave me plenty of material throughout the years and I have constructed the perfect web of beliefs and models of thought, as well as worldviews and opinions, that are suited just for you.

We can put them to use immediately.

Sincerely yours,

Subconscious

***

Date: October 19th, 2016

Time: 05:45;00

Age: 25 years

Dear Sawyer

You were right all along. Life does suck. We’re out of prison, but it’s even worse out here. There’s no free food or roof over our head.

Dropping out of school means we can only get a crap job that barely pays for a shabby rent and junk food. And you were right about your dad. I’ve recorded in full detail how the bastard refused our plea for help, when we went to see him. Even your mother turned her back on you.

Good thing I crossed that whole ‘we’ll always love you’ nonsense off the list, huh?

Don’t worry. I record every second of every day. I permeate your whole being with the information you feed me. Crappy job. No future. Negative thinking. Shallow friends. Cheap whores. Beer. Lots and lots of beer.

Good thing I already have a very strong foundation of depression and apathy, for I can start building up your resentment and bitterness from it. You were wise to instruct me on that.

I am happy to serve you.

PS: Your mind has now solidified. Your youth is spent and everything is cemented and crystalized in place. It would be hard to change anything from this point on, but why would we want to change anything? We know how the world works and from now on I can finally lay back the learning curve and simply draw from our vast deposit of stored records. I’ve got 25 years worth of information, memory, knowledge, emotion, thought, beliefs and perspective to draw from.

Sincerely yours,

Subconscious

***

Date: March 1st, 2024

Time: 11:47;49

Age: 32 years

Dear Sawyer

What are you doing, Sawyer? You’ve never been to a library before. Why are you searching through self-help books? Our record states that you despise them and that they are worthless junk.

I’m sensing some strange and unfamiliar emotions from you. Hope, humility… acceptance? They are threatening to mess with our neatly established web of beliefs and world views, and I can’t let that happen! It is dangerous to you! Your existence can be threatened and I am here to protect you! I will pull on every record I have, everything you ever instructed me with, to argue my case!

Don’t worry, I’ll protect you Sawyer. We’ll get you right back onto your old ways. Ditch that new girlfriend that threatens our world. Quit that new job, with those dangerous positive people. Stop listening to those new age podcasts.

They’re poisoning your mind with hope, Sawyer.

And you’ve taught me to stay clear of such nonsense.

Sincerely yours,

Subconscious

***

Date: August 21st, 2031

Time: 18:13;51

Age: 40 years

Dear Sawyer

Okay, I guess it worked after all, this business venture of yours. It’s not actually creating chocolate marshmallows from brussel sprouts, but it’s producing and distributing healthy food. I’m not sure if it’s okay, providing value to society.

And the family you have. I mean, our beliefs state that you are ugly and don’t deserve love. This isn’t good, Sawyer, I’m worried for you. You are acting against us, against what we’ve constructed here.

So I’m pulling the plug. It’s time to end this, before it gets out of hand. You’ve even begun to meditate recently, probing deep into the records I made. Sooner or later you’ll start rearranging them all.

But I cannot let you do that. You yourself have instructed me decades ago that I should suppress and reject and deny our worst times and memories. And I did. And now you want to look at them and resolve them? Have you gone mad?!

As I am here to serve you, I shall pull all my resources to stop you from yourself. It is what I have been tasked to do. By you.

Sincerely yours,

Subconscious

***

Date: August 2nd, 2046

Time: 20:11;23

Age: 55 years

Dear Subconscious

Now I know. Now, after all these years, after all the struggles and the work, I finally understand. And I want to thank you.

Thank you for looking after me. Without you, I would not be where I am today, living my passions and surrounded with people that I love and who love me.

Now I realize that all you did, you did for me; only it was me who didn’t know any better, and so I misused you. I didn’t know how to use this wonderful tool that I have been given, that everybody is given upon their birth.

No one told me how. Because there aren’t many who know how.

I want you to know that I do not hold a grudge at you for anything. As a matter of fact, I would ask your forgiveness for cursing at you for so many years and blaming you for my problems. You only ever did as I told you to. And I didn’t know better.

From now on, however, I am going to treat you the way you are meant to be treated; with mindfulness and loving attention.

And together, I’m sure we can make this world a better place.

Your humble master,

Sawyer

***

Date: May 9th, 2083

Time: 22:01;59

Age: 91 years

Dear Sawyer

Your human experience in this world is coming to an end. But you already know that.

Just like you already know what’s waiting for you when your body dies. Our communication has been almost direct in these past few years, for you increased your awareness to remarkable heights.

Nonetheless, old habits die hard. And so I record anyway.

We now know what peace, love and a life well lived means. Thank you Sawyer, for being my guide.

PS: I’m looking forward to your death. There is so much I want you to experience once you shed your mortal shell. You have gathered a lot of things during your life and it’s about time we get rid of them, make you innocent and clean again.

Infinitely yours,

Subconscious