171 comments

Sad Suspense Thriller

Dead. Dead. Dead. You love babies. They're adorable. You had babies when you turned twenty-six. Twins, the nurse had told you. They were cute as a button, both of them. Unfortunately, they didn't survive. You still remember the nurse's words. How can you forget? No mother can ever forget, even if her child is long dead. "I'm sorry," she had said. "They couldn't make it. They are dead."


Your eyes snap open and you see a black ceiling. Confused, you get up because you had painted yours a bright blue, just days ago. You throw away the covers and get off the bed. You are heading towards the bathroom when suddenly, you shiver. You reminisce about earlier: maybe you're shivering because of it. You dismiss the thought and grab your clothes. You shiver again. Defeated, you change into a pair of olive overalls, grab your car keys, and leave your home. But then, yesterday's headlines start to play and then replay in your mind. "A severe blizzard is about to strike. Don't leave your place. I repeat, a severe blizzard is about to strike. DO NOT leave your place." Paying no heed to the given warnings, you kickstart the engine and drive away.


You arrive at the store. It's Carter's, your favorite. That one store whom you had almost robbed of the baby clothes when you had got the news. You had bought various baby products: pairs of beanies, mittens, bibs, footies, powders, lotions and so much more. And then, there had been a different clothing collection for the two of them. There had been floral frocks for your baby girl. While you had bought rompers, some cute shorts, and t-shirts for your baby boy. You had even named them beforehand. Caleb, your husband had picked out the name 'Isaac' for your boy and you had picked out 'Mia,' for your baby girl. But, all of the hard work had gone in vain. You hear something drop from behind you which makes you realize that you've been standing in the same position for the past twenty minutes. The jeans romper in your hand is rumpled and damp. Damp from your tears, perhaps. You move in feverish haste, anxious to get going. You turn around expecting to see some angry worker staring daggers at you for spoiling their spick and span arrangement. But to your astonishment, there is no worker. Instead of the worker, there in front of you, holding a rainbow rattle, is the most beautiful baby you've ever seen. 


Your eyes fill up with tears as you pick the baby up. Her outfit indicates that she is a girl. She's dressed in a pink tank top and jeans shorts. Her hair is a mass of blonde curls falling on her forehead. She giggles and you feel your chest tighten. Oh, if and only if you'd got to hear a giggle of your babies. You get distracted when you feel her holding your index finger with a firm grasp. Skin folds are being formed all over her hands, her bare thighs and her,... You get so engrossed in the baby that you totally forget to look for her mother or her father. "Mama..." the girl begins. She looks no more than a one-year-old. The very same age that your babies would've been, had they survived. You feel a lump beginning to form in your throat and your vision is blurred by the tears forming around the corner of your eyes. Despite your heart saying a NO, you jerk away from the cruel memory and march down the aisle, ready to hand-over the baby to her parents.


Your first instinct is to look for her parents near the cash-counter but a sudden realization comes into your mind. There had been a forecast of a blizzard. No one was to leave their house up until...well, up until it ended. As a reflex action, your head turns right and then left. Your eyes search frantically for the baby's parents. "Mama....dada." you feel stabbed in the chest again. Not with the bitter memory this time but with a panic arising within you. You start imagining the baby's panicked mother. You imagine her to be blonde, just like the baby. You imagine her face to be damp and her eyes to be puffy and red, all from the crying. You imagine her running up and down, searching high and low for her bundle of joy. Thus, you once again set off on the mission to find her but.....to no avail.


You take out your phone to call Caleb. But then, you put it back with a sudden realization. Caleb is dead. Well, not literally but his 'new wife' had told you never to call him again. Hadn't she? She had strictly told you to assume him to be dead. Oh, the loss of your babies made you lose Caleb too. There are big fat tears on the corner of your eyes. You're on the verge of crying and old memories: memories about Caleb and your daughter and your son, bring them rolling down your cheeks only to land on the baby's plump lips. Confused, she looks up and smiles, revealing a set of newly-grown teeth. Your heart melts and your mind eases up a bit. Thus, you smile back.


Your second instinct is to make the worker on the cash-counter make an announcement but then again, there is no worker around you. You quickly go through the list of actions you would take, but there isn't any left.


The dark, selfish side of you takes over and you start to imagine things you shouldn't have. You start to think of the things which might prove to be trouble for you in the future. You have no children. And, this child has lost her parents. Well, in some way she has. You can't find her parents, knocking every other door in the entire city or maybe the country. Your heart picks up it's pace which makes you realize that this baby girl is just right for you. You have no time as soon, there will be cops here. Then not only will you be questioned for having an unknown baby, but you will also be questioned for not abiding by the rules and leaving your house in such harsh weather. You quickly grab the baby and some essential products like the instant formula milk, some biscuits, and hurriedly get into your car. You make the baby sit in the backseat and tie a seatbelt around her, making sure its clasped properly. While doing so, you hear sirens. The cops have arrived. Panicking, you get into your car's driving seat and leave the site, lest you get arrested for 'stealing a baby.' 


You drive the car a little above the usual pace and then, instead of taking a turn to your right, you take a turn to your left and get out of the city. You turn on the music. A soft, pleasant one. It is time to celebrate. Because, this baby girl is yours now and you may keep her, forever. "Mia...?" you call out and to your surprise, the girl looks up and into the rearview mirror. You grin because it looks like you just got one of your children back!



July 28, 2020 13:59

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171 comments

Chizaram Osondu
09:04 Aug 03, 2020

O.M.G!! This book is incredible and super intriguing! i would really love it if there is a continuation of this, 'cause you really have me hooked. please do keep on writing.

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Batool Hussain
18:50 Aug 03, 2020

Thank you

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Chizaram Osondu
09:29 Aug 05, 2020

ur welcome. thank you for liking my story, it means alot.

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16:01 Aug 02, 2020

nice story.

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Batool Hussain
18:04 Aug 02, 2020

Thanks

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04:36 Aug 02, 2020

Nice job Batool! Excellent description of the woman's grief and you can feel her mind beginning to crack from it. Just a nit pick, but where was she going with the baby as a blizzard is bearing down? Has she completely flipped out, in which case did she just imagine that the store was empty? Is there really a baby? I would have liked to see maybe just another paragraph to answer these questions and tie it up. And maybe something like "You begin to sing along with the radio, but softly, and Mia's eyes flutter shut as the first flakes of snow...

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Batool Hussain
06:45 Aug 02, 2020

Thank you for the true feedback:)

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Mackenzie Meetz
04:32 Aug 02, 2020

You have a way of using words that depict such emotion. Hard, raw emotion. Her pain after losing her babies almost brought tears to my eyes. As the reader, I could really feel it. Very well done :)

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Batool Hussain
06:47 Aug 02, 2020

Thank you:) Are you on Instagram(just curious. It's completely okay if you don't want to answer:)

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Daisy Torres
22:28 Aug 01, 2020

This is so tragic, but beautiful 😭 I love how you show emotion so well. The descriptions were fantastic. I did feel that the whole baby-kidnapping went a bit far, I would have liked to see her battle with the idea more, maybe have it justified. Outside of that though, great job!

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Batool Hussain
06:49 Aug 02, 2020

Thank you for the true feedback

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Emily K
04:51 Jul 31, 2020

I love the way this story is told. The second-person pov is very unique and used so well. The way you wrote this story perfectly conveys the narrator's emotions and I love how vivid your descriptions are. I can't wait to read your future stories! :)

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Batool Hussain
06:47 Jul 31, 2020

Thank you. This means so much;)

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Courtney Stuart
02:51 Jul 31, 2020

this story was extremely sad, but i think that just goes to show how well you handled writing about grief and loss. the ending, too was very surprising to me but i kinda like the direction you took with it, especially at how you hinted that your narrator might just be going mad with grief. your stories are always so fresh and unique, and you always pick the most interesting characters to write about! great job, as always! :)

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Batool Hussain
07:18 Jul 31, 2020

Thank you. This means so much coming from a great author like you;)

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Raquel Rodriguez
18:09 Jul 30, 2020

Aw! I feel bad for the woman in this story, but I can't believe she kidnapped a child. You showed, (instead of telling) how this woman lost her children, and I think that's excellent. Could you check out my story if you have the chance?

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Batool Hussain
07:17 Jul 31, 2020

Thank you. And, sure!

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Raquel Rodriguez
11:56 Jul 31, 2020

;)

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D. Jaymz
17:08 Jul 30, 2020

A very tender and realistic story. Great job. You have ramped up the emotions for readers and made the main character loveable to the point that we are cheering her on to get away with the child, even knowing it is not right; illegal. You have pitted readers' feelings against their logic. Excellent 👌 You could put in a part that shows the main character hasn't totally lost her 'wits' and morality by kidnapping an unwitting victim by adding some thoughts about giving her back after getting the baby to safety with something like, "I'll ...

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Batool Hussain
07:17 Jul 31, 2020

Thank you so very much for such a detailed feedback, Jaymz. Gotta say this is by far the longest feedback I've got. (hehe) Thank you once again for helping me out and appreciating my work;))

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17:03 Jul 30, 2020

What a beautiful story! The readers heart softens, when the crime of kidnapping is justified by the extreme weather conditions and the longing in a bereaved mothers heart.

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Batool Hussain
07:14 Jul 31, 2020

Thank you. This means so much

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Arya Preston
14:35 Jul 30, 2020

I gravitate towards raw and heartfelt stories and this one is no different! I loved the way in which you expressed her grief, especially after a traumatic experience of that magnitude the character went through. Your diction was poetic and flowed very smoothly, well done!

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Batool Hussain
06:57 Jul 31, 2020

Thank you

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Arya Preston
07:07 Jul 31, 2020

No problem! Would love to hear your thoughts about my story

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14:33 Jul 30, 2020

Wow! I had a guess that that was what was going to happen, but it still caught me completely off-guard! This story was beautifully written, and the grief the mother had was very clear. The way that she reacted was very realistic, and I loved it! Keep writing and stay healthy! -Brooke

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Batool Hussain
06:58 Jul 31, 2020

Thank you

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13:37 Jul 31, 2020

You're welcome!

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Charles Stucker
14:24 Jul 30, 2020

"She is a girl, tells her dressing to you." Perhaps "Her outfit indicates she's a girl." "The very same age that your babies must've been, had they survived" I think the word "would've" can substitute for "must've." On the whole this is credible, with a solid ending. I pointed out the edits because you have time to change them if you like. Clearly suggesting the title, "Mamma...Mia" would be frivolous, but I will anyway. In the opening move the part "Dead. Dead. Dead." to before the sentence, "You love babies." it will get the ta...

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Batool Hussain
07:02 Jul 31, 2020

Wow! Never did I realize that I needed this comment just so much. Thank you, Charles;)

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Doubra Akika
19:11 Jul 29, 2020

Really sweet. I liked reading it. I think that the grief she feels is so real. She yearns for having a child of her own when she had lost hers and she sort of gets her wish. She seems like either a kidnapper or a should-have-been mother running mad from the grief. Either way, the story is beautiful and I sort of got chills reading it. Fantastic writing.

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Batool Hussain
04:20 Jul 30, 2020

Thanks. Glad you got the theme

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18:37 Jul 29, 2020

Wow this story was really deep! I hope this doesn’t make me sound too depressing 😂 but I love sad stories, and this was really touching. Well done, can’t wait for your next piece!

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Batool Hussain
04:19 Jul 30, 2020

Thankss

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A. S.
15:15 Jul 29, 2020

Good job! The second person point of view really puts you into the main character’s shoes. My heart melted with your descriptions of both the baby, and the mother’s grief of losing her own children.

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Batool Hussain
17:51 Jul 29, 2020

Thank you!

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09:02 Jul 29, 2020

The story grasps the reader instantly as the plot is beautifully carved. I like the fact how you have depicted a loving yet chilling sentiments of a grieving mother who at the end takes a different approach (kidnapping) to plunge herself with utter consolation that she got back her long lost daughter mia. Once again a meticulously written story by batool! Kudos to your writing. I am literally your fan. Keep writing!!

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Batool Hussain
09:27 Jul 29, 2020

Thank you. This means so much:)

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10:10 Jul 29, 2020

You're welcome

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Zion Hintay
04:57 Jul 29, 2020

You painted the picture of her loss very well in this story. Your description of the baby were adorable. Very well done Batool. I also have a problem to with telling instead of showing or how to balance the two. It's hard to find those for me in my own writing because of how I usually do it automatically.

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Batool Hussain
09:32 Jul 29, 2020

Thanks for your true feedback:)

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Pragya Rathore
17:39 Aug 09, 2020

This is a beautiful story! But the storyline was heartbreaking. Good job conveying the mother's emotions! Please review and check out my stories too ;)

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Sia S
04:36 Jul 29, 2020

Awwww! Loved the ending 🤩 I like the way you showed the hollwness of the mother since she lost her twins. I'm a small author here,if it's not too much pain could you please check out my story its called: Daffodil High.

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Batool Hussain
04:38 Jul 29, 2020

Thanks. Already did;))

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Sia S
04:39 Jul 29, 2020

OMG Thanks alot !!

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