You are [Fill in the blank]

You know how sometimes, your parents tell you a story about when you did something as a baby? You might be a little embarrassed, but you usually just end up shrugging it off. It feels like they are talking about another person, not you.

That is how I feel when people tell me how I used to be.

Because I can’t remember who I am.

You may say, Surely we’re all different people than we used to be. Sometimes you forget that.

No. Just no.

Yes, sure, you will be a different person then you were when you were in kindergarten, fifth grade, middle school, and so on. 

But not remembering anything, that's called amnesia.

And let me tell you, it sucks.

The only things I’ve had to remember who I am are Facebook and Instagram bios and pictures, and of course stories.

You used to be funny! Tell jokes all the time!

You used to play on the basketball team, and you were the star player!

You used to have a boyfriend!! He was the football star, but now he’s at NYU on a full scholarship, but visiting for the holidays!

Used to, used to, used to. My life is composed of used tos.

I am tall. I am blonde. I have freckles and green eyes. This is what I know for sure about myself.

It was Christmas Eve, and I was out, just getting some last minute Christmas shopping done. Shopping for people I didn’t know.

Jason, my boyfriend (or so I’m told) ran into me at Ross.

“Hey, Calli.”

“Hey, Jase. What’s up?”

“The sea level, COVID-19 positive tests, and the rate in which our president is tweeting.”

I laughed, cold and clear. “True true.”

I had missed the entirety of the pandemic, and I woke up in time to vote in the election. 

“Actually, I’m glad I ran into you. I had something to ask you.”

“Yes?” I said.

He reached into his pocket and took a deep breath.

“Calliope Roberts, will you marry me?”

The ring was simple and I liked it. It had one stone in the middle, a piece of jagged amethyst. It was beautiful, but…

“Jase…” I looked down. “I’m sorry, but I don’t remember anyone. I can’t make a commitment like that right now.”

“Oh.” He said, disappointment deep in his eyes.

“I’m sorry…” I called, but he was already gone.

Next I was at Walmart, and I ran into Norman Green, a longtime “friend” of mine.

“Hey, Calli! It’s good to see you out and about!” He said.

“Yeah, I guess I’m happy to be out.”

He grinned. “Hey, while you’re here...do you want to go out to dinner later?”

I rubbed the back of my neck. “I’m meeting Greenie and Lobster later for dinner, do you just want to grab lunch real quick?”

“Sure.”

So we made our way to Valentina’s Cafe. Val was a friend of ours, so she usually gave us a discount when we ate there.

We ordered and sat down. “So, the reason I wanted to take you out to lunch was to ask you a question…”

No no no areyoukiddingmereally?

“I was wondering if…”

No.

“You would be my wife?”

Why is this the second marriage proposal I’ve gotten today?

I stood. “I’m sorry, but I can’t. Not with my amnesia. Not when I can’t remember anyone.”

And I left.

Now, you’d think I’d go home and sleep off my headache for the rest of the day.

But noooooo.

I still had to get some presents and groceries, and I was going out with my friends Greenie and Lobster. (Nicknames, I think. I hope.)

I got the presents, and to make a long story short, I was proposed to twice more. Was it my perfume? Did I do my makeup or hair special today?

I rolled up to Mirino’s Italian restaurant. 

“Hey, guys.” I said.

Greenie was one of my “best friends since kindergarten”. She and I “have been friends forever”.  Lobster was an awkward guy, always blushing red. I guessed that was why we called him ‘Lobster’.

“Hey,” He said then blushed. Lobster was really blind, and he needed these thick glasses to see. But today he wasn’t wearing them.

“Why aren’t you wearing your glasses?” I asked.

“Because I lost them. I thought I already told you that, Green.”

“Ha, this is Calli.”

He blushed. “Oh.”

“Lets sit.” Greenie interjected, before things got awkward.

We took our seat. Greenie and Lobster were cute together, they had been dating for three years and counting.

“Wait, isn’t today your guy’s anniversary?”

Lobster blushed. “Yes…”

Greenie smiled, then said, “Callie is over there, Lobster.”

He blushed, and looked in my general direction. “Yes…”

“Well, happy anniversary.”

“Thank you, Cal.” Greenie smiled.

Greenie was always smiling. I wish I remembered her.

The food eventually came, after we had been seated for about an hour.

“Finally,” Greenie muttered under her breath.

We dug in, and before we knew it we were all done.

“I…” Lobster started to say.

“Yes, Lob?” Greenie said.

He turned to me.

He turned.

He got on one knee.

“Will you marry me?”

“Lobster? This is Calli.”

“Oh my-” He blushed the hardest I’ve ever seen him blush, which is saying a lot.

“I- I meant-”

“Stand up, Lobster.” Greenie said.

He stood, and Greenie wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. 

“I assumed that was meant for me?”

“Yes yes yes yes.”

“Then yes. Of course I will.”

So you see, sometimes who we are changes. Not because of amnesia, but because of people we love. People who love us. Experiences we’ve weathered, places we’ve been.

Love is complicated. It can leave you thinking up is down and left is right, yes, but it can change you for the better. It can make you come out of your quiet shell.

I don’t know if I will ever be just as I was before amnesia again. But I do know that I will have good friends and loved ones to guide me and support me on whatever I choose to become. 

You may not be the same.

You are different.

And that's okay.

No matter who you are.

Hear me.

And know it’s okay.