Contest #116 winner 🏆

241 comments

Funny Fiction Contemporary

First and foremost, I just need to assert what was right and what was wrong. I think, before you can apologize for things you’ve done, you need to really isolate and evaluate exactly what you did wrong, and it’s very rare that you, uh, you know, haven’t done anything right in the midst of all you did wrong. So, I would like to assert that, yes, I made mistakes. I made many mistakes. I hurt people. Well, not people, but, you know, living things. I hurt living things and I hurt them by damaging their property and terrorizing them, and for that, I am very sorry, and I stand here, humbly, in front of you today, with my tail between my legs--literally--to say that I do apologize for the wrong I’ve done. Not for the right I’ve done, obviously, because I don’t need to apologize for what I’ve done right, and I have done some things right, but I don’t need to apologize for those things. Just the wrong things.

Uh, but, uh, yeah, the, yeah, the, um--

The straw.

I apologize for the straw. Why you would build a house out of straw in the first place is a mystery to me, but--That’s not my, uh--That’s not the point. The point is, one of you wanted to build a house of straw, and I destroyed that house. I blew it down. Not that it takes much to blow down something made out of straw. A strong wind could have blown it down. A gust. A breeze. You built the house fairly close to the ocean, so I expect there would have been a lot of sea wind coming off the coast, and that leads me to think your house wasn’t long for this world anyway, but sure, yes, I was the one who blew it down, and I have to own that, and so I do. I own it. I own it and I apologize for it. I blew down the house and I was going to eat you, but you ran away. I don’t think I should have to apologize for wanting to eat you, because that’s, you know, my nature, but I get how my nature and your existence don’t jive, and I believe we should all be able to live together peacefully in this world, but I would like to remind you that eating, you know, kale, isn’t really an option for me, and, uh, you know, attempted murder isn’t murder. It’s different. That’s why they have a different sentence for it when you get convicted of it in court. When you do get convicted. Which isn’t often, because it’s so hard to prove. I mean, it’s almost impossible to prove someone’s intent, but, sure, I did attempt something, and for that, I am sorry, because that’s wrong and so is blowing down a flimsy house that was going to come down at any moment anyway because somebody didn’t want to take the time to build their home properly with decent materials.

So. I’m sorry for all that.

Um.

In regards to the sticks, I would like to say that I maintain sticks are only slightly harder to blow down than straw, but there was, yes, an intent there, to blow the house down. And to eat the owner of the house. And to maybe use the sticks to start a fire that I would then roast the owner of the house over while lathering said owner in barbecue sauce. Yes, all of that is true, and none of it is right, and I apologize for all of it. I will say that because I couldn’t catch the owner of the house, nothing happened other than destruction of a fire hazard, but nevertheless, there was destruction. There was trauma. There was hurt. And I have to understand that and make space for it moving forward. That I brought about and manifested hurt in the lives of swine. A fire could have hurt many more people. Not a nice fire that you can control while you cook your dinner, but a real fire that could start at any moment if some pig decided to light a candle in the middle of his twig dwelling, but it’s not about what might have happened, it’s about what did happen, and what happened was I blew the house down. I huffed. I puffed. I got a little winded. I huffed and puffed some more. Down went the house. I own that. I didn’t eat the pig because he ran away, because somehow pigs are terrible at building houses, but they are fantastic at running away from wolves, so that’s fine, he ran, I chased. And, uh, then…

Then I hit a wall.

A brick wall.

We all have to hit that brick wall, don’t we? Finally found a house I couldn’t blow down. But you know what I could blow down?

Myself.

And that’s what I did.

I stood there and with all the breath in my furry body, I blew, and blew, and blew. But I could not blow that house down. And as I sat there, on the grass, the dew still fresh from morning, knowing that breakfast, lunch, and dinner was staring out a window from a brick house, mocking me, taunting me, and jeering at me, I knew I needed to take a good, hard look at my life and make some changes.

That’s why I’m here today--not at the end of my journey towards being a better creature, but somewhere in the middle. I’m asking for forgiveness. For the straw. For the sticks. Not for the brick, because that house was built well and I believe it got sold the following year for double what it cost to erect, and so, good on that pig, because he must have gotten the architecture gene his siblings didn’t. Me, I’m just going around to different wolf packs, talking to the pups about making good decisions.

Mostly I just tell them to stick to chickens.

You tell them the sky is falling, and the next thing you know, they’re walking right into your cave. No houses you need to gather up your breath support for and no riddles like with goats or grandmothers that give you indigestion. Just good, old-fashioned deception.

So you see, I’ve learned.

I’ve come a long, long way.

October 18, 2021 02:56

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.

241 comments

Phil Manders
16:08 Oct 29, 2021

Great story. Nice to read something that doesn’t have a warning at the beginning. 👏🏼

Reply

Story Time
16:15 Oct 29, 2021

Thank you Phil!

Reply

Jefferson Zhu
00:42 Dec 02, 2021

Cool writing

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
16:36 Oct 29, 2021

You aren't wrong, Phil. OMG....

Reply

James KOTORAC
23:51 Mar 08, 2022

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Gwen C.
20:38 Mar 17, 2022

Definitely!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 4 replies
Amanda Fox
15:47 Oct 29, 2021

Another fabulous story - you have such amazing talent! Your stories are engaging, and you have a great author voice. I'm so glad you share your work here.

Reply

16:36 Oct 29, 2021

Totally agree, Fawn.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Story Time
15:57 Oct 29, 2021

Thank you Fawn!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 2 replies
Logan Yoshimoto
17:23 Oct 29, 2021

I love the tone of the narrator, a kind of "sorry- but in my defense- and then sorry again". It's fun, simple, and well paced. It's got everything a monologue story should have.

Reply

Story Time
17:25 Oct 29, 2021

Thank you, Logan, monologues are where I feel my strength is as a playwright, so it's fun to try and use that and expand upon it in prose.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
16:35 Oct 29, 2021

HIGH TIME for a big win for Mr. Broccoli. Over due, but I'm thrilled regardless. I'm also glad to see comedy selected instead of a story I need counseling after reading. Huzzah Huzzah

Reply

Story Time
16:49 Oct 29, 2021

Thank you, Deidra! That means a lot coming from you.

Reply

17:02 Oct 29, 2021

Come on the podcast sometime? https://www.readlotswritelots.com/wp/

Reply

Story Time
17:10 Oct 29, 2021

Sure, would love to!

Reply

18:21 Oct 29, 2021

lovegren.deidra@gmail.com

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
17:37 Oct 29, 2021

Excellent! Well deserved win!

Reply

Story Time
17:44 Oct 29, 2021

Thank you Shikhar!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Nina March
16:54 Oct 29, 2021

This story was so humorous! It was such a fun read! You've put a fresh idea and spin on a well known story yet managed to make it your own! We'll deserved win 👏

Reply

Story Time
16:59 Oct 29, 2021

Thank you, Nina. I really loved your last story as well.

Reply

Cade Galvan
18:28 Mar 03, 2022

amazing spin on the kids story!WOW

Reply

Story Time
19:08 Mar 03, 2022

Thank you!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Sally Wirth
16:53 Oct 29, 2021

Great tail, um, tale! Loved the sorry, not sorry!

Reply

Story Time
16:58 Oct 29, 2021

Thank you Sally! Glad you enjoyed it.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
04:40 Oct 26, 2021

I got quite the chuckle on your version of this old children’s tale. The line about kale really got me, or the mention about how the brick house sold for double the cost so “good on the pig”. Really enjoyable story, thanks for sharing!

Reply

Story Time
16:14 Oct 26, 2021

Thank you, Christopher!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Jen Cross
17:14 Oct 29, 2021

This was so cleverly written! I really enjoyed how you characterized the wolf.

Reply

Story Time
17:21 Oct 29, 2021

Thank you, Jen!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Tommie Michele
13:32 Oct 29, 2021

Congrats on the win! Well-deserved for sure—I loved your take on the prompt, and your voice comes through clear and consistent in your writing. Writing based off of common fairy tales is hard—I did it once (my story “Mirror, Mirror”) and it is so much harder than it seems, but you pulled it off incredibly well. Nice work! —Tommie Michele

Reply

Story Time
15:57 Oct 29, 2021

Thank you so much!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Michael Regan
18:48 Oct 27, 2021

LOL - I find the wolf 'Not Guilty' of the wilful destruction of property. A great read - well done

Reply

Story Time
21:04 Oct 27, 2021

Thank you, Michael.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
21:11 Jan 17, 2022

What a great spin on the original story and the prompt! I liked the easy reading, it's like listening to someone defend themselves in court, very human in his halting speech at the beginning. Congrats on the win!

Reply

Story Time
22:44 Jan 17, 2022

Thank you so much, Maureen.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Sophia Gavasheli
19:26 Sep 18, 2022

LOL, this was so funny! The voice of the wolf was really unique. I love how he's asking for forgiveness and justifying himself at the same time. I also like how the wolf sounds natural; he uses pauses and fillers just like a real person in his situation would use. You are very talented at writing humourous stories, Kevin. Awesome job!

Reply

Story Time
01:55 Sep 19, 2022

Thank you Sophia!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Tommy Goround
02:42 Jun 29, 2022

Laughing. Very very nice.

Reply

Story Time
17:22 Jun 29, 2022

Thank you, Tommy.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Nehemiah Giles
05:14 Apr 17, 2022

Finally!!! I found a story that give the wolves full perspective I love reading this from his point of view! Great work!!

Reply

Story Time
05:44 Apr 17, 2022

Thank you :)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Tessa Odhner
12:46 Apr 13, 2022

This story had me laughing, even after I stopped reading it!

Reply

Story Time
16:59 Apr 13, 2022

Thank you so much.

Reply

Tessa Odhner
20:53 Apr 19, 2022

You're welcome :) .

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Cade Galvan
15:10 Mar 10, 2022

love it divine and funny good spin on a child hood story

Reply

Story Time
17:07 Mar 10, 2022

Thank you Cade!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Crows_ Garden
04:50 Mar 05, 2022

I love your writing style. It's simple, yet detailed enough. It's what I want mine to be like honestly. I like your take on this classic too. I've always loved the different ideas of the classics. Wonderful job once more!

Reply

Story Time
07:04 Mar 05, 2022

Thank you so much.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Jes Rod
23:34 Mar 03, 2022

You’re the reason because I’ve just registered in this web! You’re great.

Reply

Story Time
17:05 Mar 04, 2022

Thank you Jes!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Donna Smith
14:54 Mar 03, 2022

This is awesome! I laughed out loud. You have a very good sense of rhythm and flow. I don't think I've ever considered this story from the wolf's point of view. Delightful!

Reply

Story Time
17:26 Mar 03, 2022

Thank you Donna.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Reedsy | Default — Editors with Marker | 2024-05

Bring your publishing dreams to life

The world's best editors, designers, and marketers are on Reedsy. Come meet them.