Contest #187 shortlist ⭐️

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American Funny Sad

This story contains themes or mentions of physical violence, gore, or abuse.

Old MacDonald had a farm, and on that farm he was training animals to infiltrate the halls of power. Old MacDonald (72) was arrested dressed as a clown. He planned to snare the nation with delicious fast food laced with cocaine.

It was Furball Fluffington who infiltrated the despot’s network. That cat sure wears the hell out of those boots, this reporter must say. The hat isn’t a bad look either.

“I’ve been undercover on the farm for months now,” said Furball. “And on that farm he had a cow. The bovine was training for something involving the moon and cutlery. From what I saw. It would have killed millions.”

Vowing that his undercover days are behind him, Fluffington agreed to share his story on the condition of payment in catnip.

“I was under cover in a smuggling network before it was legalised. I’ve been addicted ever since.” The black and white feline broke down in tears as he was paid for the story. Problems with addiction have kept him from family, who grew tired of him stealing to feed his habit.

“People call me a hero today,” Furball says, “but tomorrow I’ll be on my own dealing with the problem that’s been dragging me down for years. I know I need rehab but like Amy said; no, no, no.”

Among the charges levelled against MacDonald are sedition, terrorism, grand conspiracy, corruption of minors, and breach of copyright. Many fast food chains are already preparing cases to sue the former farmer.

Animals from the facility where Old MacDonald brainwashed them are in protective custody. Authorities say they will be on watchlists as they undergo deprogramming and court mandated therapy. Some have been part of the conspiracy for years, spreading MacDonald’s message through catchy children’s music. The disgraced media tycoon was a known fan of Hitler’s phrase; He alone, who owns the youth, gains the future.

Despite warnings being spread among mothers everywhere, videos containing MacDonald’s messages are still available on many social media and streaming sites. Efforts to remove them have been stymied in the short term by free speech advocates and far right groups.

An associate of MacDonald, known only as Mary, left the compound in handcuffs. Lambs wailed, led away from their abusive master. The smallest broke hearts, struggling free to sit on Mary’s lap in the back of a police van before it was taken away.

Ewan Ramstein (29) and his wife Woolamina (31) claim the child in the now viral news clip is theirs. Snow-White Ramstein met Mary, who gave a talk at her preschool years before.

“Everything changed when she met Mary. Our Snow-White was charmed by the girl. Mary seemed very agreeable at first. That was just a facade, beneath she was quite a contrarian. Anything good in the world was a conspiracy. Our little lamb chopped off communication with us. That last time we saw her was on the news, getting escorted onto a bus two by two with the other animals.

Police have assured us that parents of the children will be contacted as soon as all of those rescued from the facility have been identified.

“Old MacDonald had a pig,” Fluffball told us, before breaking down into a sobbing series of vowel sounds. “He found out the big guy wore a wig. He knew there was a mole in his circle. He tortured the pig. No matter how much Chris P Bacon squealed, MacDonald didn’t believe he was part of the cause. I had to keep my mouth shut as I watched. You know what the worst thing was? He branded the pig with his mark. It smelled delicious.” Fluffington licked his lips, recalling the ordeal.

Minute by minute, the scale of MacDonald’s crimes is revealed. Five little ducks went out each day. One by one, the farmer lured them all away. Fluffington believes some of them may be buried in a field of graves marked only by leek plants.

“He had a thing for cruel and unusual punishment. He made five little monkeys jump on a bed until one fell off and one bumped his head really bad. Papa M, that’s what he liked us all to call him, called a doctor. I tried to alert the doctor to what was happening but he just said we shouldn’t be jumping on the bed.”

Social media is already abuzz that Old MacDonald should have been arrested earlier. Whistleblowers were ignored. Opportunities to end the ordeal of so many innocent animals were missed.

The first rumours of malicious activity emerged in 2017. Three mice reported MacDonald to police, accusing him of blinding them to set an example to others. One lost all of his hair during the ‘expulsion of sin’. Another was beaten around the head, causing swelling that never healed. The third mouse, Larry (25) has given a statement. “He was a monster. It was the same thing, every night. Trying to take over the world. He thought he was a genius. He was insane.”

MacDonald settled out of court with the mice, using a non disclosure agreement to keep them from telling their story.

“I know people will judge me now, but I needed the money,” said Larry. “He’d already ruined my life. At least I got some cash to keep me going. I’m sorry to everyone I might have helped. Non-disclosure agreements shouldn’t exist. They just help people like him hide their crimes.” Clearly haunted by his time on the farm, Larry said; “I can still hear his voice yelling ‘see how they run.’ He would laugh. He was singing one of his songs about a teapot when he burnt my friend. ‘I’m a little teapot, short and stout.’ His hair never grew back. MacDonald called him Pinkie.”

Sedition carries a sentence of up to 20 years and a fine of up to $10,000. Sedition will be the least of Old MacDonald’s problems if he is found guilty of terrorism, which can carry a life sentence and in rare cases, the death penalty. Lawyers for Old MacDonald have issued a statement admitting that he was responsible for several noise disturbances in the past but has learned from his mistakes. He claims the entire investigation is a witch hunt by those who don’t agree with his ahead-of-his-time thinking.

BREAKING NEWS: Old MacDonald has announced his intention to run for president. It is believed he hopes to use the presidential pardon.

Further allegations have come to light dating back to the 1990s, Old MacDonald was accused of failing to declare income for tax purposes in 1992-1998 but due to the statute of limitations cannot be prosecuted for tax evasion. A former girlfriend of MacDonald claims that she went to police in 2001 with claims of violence committed in the 1980s but was told too much time had passed since the offenses to secure a conviction. Once again the statute of limitations saw a criminal evading justice.

I’m Fawning Itin with the Six O’clock News, click on the link below to watch Bear Lee Seayew with the weather.

March 01, 2023 03:43

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89 comments

Wendy Kaminski
16:12 Mar 01, 2023

This was really cute, Graham, taking whimsical stories and turning them into fodder! I enjoyed the outside-the-catbox thinking, and the news story style was really appealing for presenting the info. Some terrible things you should be ashamed of: - something involving the moon and cutlery. - haha! - An associate of MacDonald, known only as Mary (lambs wailed) - lol :) - she was quite a contrarian - booo, I say! boooo! - Bear Lee Seayew - terrible! :)

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Graham Kinross
22:39 Mar 01, 2023

Pun names are cheap, but like the joke in a Christmas cracker, I bet you smiled at how bad they were. An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walked into a bar. The barman had to ask them, is this a joke? https://youtu.be/VorIn2ISK6w

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Wendy Kaminski
23:55 Mar 01, 2023

Yes I did laugh, dang you! :P

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Graham Kinross
02:50 Mar 02, 2023

A man goes into a bar and orders a pint of beer and a packet of crisps(potato chips). He drinks the pint in a single gulp and crushes the crisps on his head then leaves the bar without saying another word. The next day he does the same. For a week he drinks a pint and crushes potato chips on his head every day. One day, when the barman is sick of cleaning crisps off his floor after the man leaves he tells his patron that he’s all out of crisps. The man nods calmly and asks for a pie and a beer. The barman gives the man a beer and a pie. Than...

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Wendy Kaminski
15:12 Mar 02, 2023

So terrible. :P

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Graham Kinross
21:53 Mar 02, 2023

A drama teacher at high school told me that one.

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02:55 Mar 11, 2023

This was so good, you had me from the first line wondering what manic wordplay was coming next: i loved how the list of grave crimes ended with “copyright infringement” so much observational humor like that in this. There was a rhyming feeling to the way childrens fables were dropped in that was spot on. V happy to see your talented work finally make it to the shortlist.

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Graham Kinross
13:31 Mar 11, 2023

Nothing is a more grievous crime in America than threatening profit. Thanks, Scott.

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Gail Coleman
14:54 Mar 22, 2023

I really enjoyed reading this. I think my favorite part is when the farmer was yelling see how they run! That made me laugh!

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Graham Kinross
22:19 Mar 22, 2023

Thanks, Gail. I’m glad you enjoyed it.

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Philip Ebuluofor
11:41 Mar 15, 2023

Congrats Graham. So long this journey. But the central message is that you finally appeared here. Congrats once more. Persistence finally overcame.

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Graham Kinross
13:33 Mar 15, 2023

Thanks Philip. Persistence is the key to all accomplishments.

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Philip Ebuluofor
04:58 Mar 18, 2023

For sure. It opens the iron door. I have found that out in my writings.

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Story Time
16:18 Mar 13, 2023

This was such a great way to merge a concept with satire using a story everyone is familiar with--and lots of wit. I really enjoyed it, Graham.

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Graham Kinross
20:57 Mar 13, 2023

Thanks, Kevin.

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Marty B
01:27 Mar 12, 2023

Never trusted that guy and what is an Eieio- anyway?

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Graham Kinross
05:03 Mar 12, 2023

Every idiot enjoys ingesting oranges. Thanks Marty.

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Kathryn Kahn
00:00 Mar 12, 2023

How clever! Very fun and humorous.

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Graham Kinross
03:48 Mar 12, 2023

Thank you, Kathryn.

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Michał Przywara
17:06 Mar 11, 2023

Ha! Very funny :) And a little sad, as all good satire might be :) The number of references and how they're worked in is creative, and I'm digging the puns. Ewen Ramstein took me just a moment, as it's a believable name - and then Chris P Bacon is a delightful slap to the face :) Congrats on the shortlist!

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Graham Kinross
01:06 Mar 12, 2023

I don’t normally go for puns but this seemed like the perfect story. Thanks.

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Congratulations on the shortlist, Graham! Story #189 did the trick! Amazing that this is also your Reedsy prompts anniversary. This was nuts! What is in your head?! My mother says this reminded her of Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal. The reporter voice works really well for this piece. In some ways I'm reminded of George Orwell's Animal Farm, but this is crazier. It seems to dance on a tightrope between horror and political satire, wrapped up in nursery-rhyme themed jokes and puns. Good job!

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Graham Kinross
13:40 Mar 11, 2023

Your mum read this? Thank you. I had to look up A Modest Proposal, sounds interesting. Sad as well that we have very similar problems today as back then. They’re are no exceptions to the rule that everyone thinks they’re an exception to the rules-Banksy.

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I’ve shown my mother Romea and Julian, and several of Xander’s stories, including Xander Meets the In-Laws. My first experience of this one was reading it out loud to her. She likes your work. “It is foolish, generally speaking, for a philosopher to set fire to another philosopher in Smithfield Market because they do not agree in their theory of the universe. That was done very frequently in the last decadence of the Middle Ages, and it failed altogether in its object. But there is one thing that is infinitely more absurd and unpractical t...

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Graham Kinross
10:05 Mar 26, 2023

Don’t think I can out quote that one. Thank you for sharing my work.

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V. S. Rose
01:35 Mar 11, 2023

Congrats Graham! Really glad to see you on here I always love your stories. This one was really well done, you deserve this!

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Graham Kinross
13:31 Mar 11, 2023

Thank you. Everyone is so kind.

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Zack Powell
17:35 Mar 10, 2023

I've been hoping for a long time to see your stories finally get their fair and just recognition, Graham. Couldn't be happier for you today. You earned it!

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Graham Kinross
00:14 Mar 11, 2023

Thank you very much, Zack.

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Helen A Smith
17:12 Mar 10, 2023

Congratulations Graham. Well deserved.

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Graham Kinross
00:12 Mar 11, 2023

Thanks, Helen.

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Aeris Walker
17:11 Mar 10, 2023

Congrats on the shortlist, Graham!

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Graham Kinross
00:11 Mar 11, 2023

Thanks, Aeris.

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17:03 Mar 10, 2023

Congratulations, Graham! ( ͡ᵔ ͜ʖ ͡ᵔ )

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18:02 Mar 10, 2023

Maybe come on over to the Discord channel and chat -- lots of Graham Fans there :) https://discord.gg/bxTWQw3HJR

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Graham Kinross
00:12 Mar 11, 2023

Thanks, Deidra. I’ve joined, you got me!

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Amanda Lieser
05:37 Mar 08, 2023

Hey Graham! Oh wow! This was a thriller, I don’t think I was expecting this kind of story from you for this prompt but I should’ve known a little bit better after reading the content warning. I thought that you did a really good job of weaving and not a lot of the old names and ideas that we know into this world. I also thought some of those ethical questions that you were throwing in there were interesting – especially towards the end. I think that I appreciated the way that you characterize that everyone has not necessarily heroes, nor vic...

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Graham Kinross
12:45 Mar 12, 2023

Yeah a lot of people are indoctrinated into lifestyles, it can be hard to pinpoint exactly when they take full responsibility for their actions instead of being victims of the system that raised them. Thank you for reading the story and commenting.

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Ann Miller
19:41 Mar 07, 2023

Very cute! This was a fun read.

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Graham Kinross
22:48 Mar 07, 2023

Thank you.

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Mike Rush
20:17 Mar 05, 2023

Graham, I'm so glad I came across this piece. It's laugh out loud funny in many places. I thought it was a bit of brilliance to weave those old children's songs into a coherent story. Too bad so much of this, which should just be playful nonsense, is close to reality in our world. Especially the bit at the end! A criminal running for president? That would never happen!

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Graham Kinross
22:58 Mar 05, 2023

Yes, we’re at an interesting time when there’s someone who’s main goal running for president is to give themselves a get out of jail free card. Then again, the first one was just to launch themselves as a far right media mogul, and to bilk followers out of money. He might just be one of the most successful conmen in American history. Billing the secret service for their stay at his own resort is a cheeky way to make a mint.

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Roger Scypion
00:45 Mar 05, 2023

A great piece of writing, the characters are wunderbar!

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Graham Kinross
01:23 Mar 05, 2023

Thanks Roger. That’s very kind of you.

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Martin Ross
00:02 Mar 03, 2023

Sociopolitical satire meets Mother Goose!!🤣🤣🤣 Brilliant, and with the surreal, horrifying situations here in the U.S. over the past six or seven years, very appropo.

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Graham Kinross
01:41 Mar 03, 2023

Thanks. It seemed really easy at first but then it was harder and harder to throw in the references.

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Martin Ross
05:28 Mar 03, 2023

Came out seamlessly!

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Graham Kinross
07:15 Mar 03, 2023

Thanks, Martin.

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Michelle Oliver
13:42 Mar 02, 2023

This was such an entertaining read. Your pun names are so cheap and nasty that they’re delightfully delicious. I really enjoyed them and had a chuckle. I loved the way you took all the innocence of children’s nursery rhymes (which if you stop to think about it aren’t that innocent at all) and twisted them into something sinister and dark. I like the dramatic media voice you have used to sensationalise the information and whip the reader into righteous indignation. If feels very authentic. A great read, thanks for sharing.

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Graham Kinross
21:52 Mar 02, 2023

Thank you, Michelle. I’m glad you enjoyed the cheap jokes.

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