Contest #187 shortlist ⭐️

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American Funny Sad

This story contains themes or mentions of physical violence, gore, or abuse.

Old MacDonald had a farm, and on that farm he was training animals to infiltrate the halls of power. Old MacDonald (72) was arrested dressed as a clown. He planned to snare the nation with delicious fast food laced with cocaine.

It was Furball Fluffington who infiltrated the despot’s network. That cat sure wears the hell out of those boots, this reporter must say. The hat isn’t a bad look either.

“I’ve been undercover on the farm for months now,” said Furball. “And on that farm he had a cow. The bovine was training for something involving the moon and cutlery. From what I saw. It would have killed millions.”

Vowing that his undercover days are behind him, Fluffington agreed to share his story on the condition of payment in catnip.

“I was under cover in a smuggling network before it was legalised. I’ve been addicted ever since.” The black and white feline broke down in tears as he was paid for the story. Problems with addiction have kept him from family, who grew tired of him stealing to feed his habit.

“People call me a hero today,” Furball says, “but tomorrow I’ll be on my own dealing with the problem that’s been dragging me down for years. I know I need rehab but like Amy said; no, no, no.”

Among the charges levelled against MacDonald are sedition, terrorism, grand conspiracy, corruption of minors, and breach of copyright. Many fast food chains are already preparing cases to sue the former farmer.

Animals from the facility where Old MacDonald brainwashed them are in protective custody. Authorities say they will be on watchlists as they undergo deprogramming and court mandated therapy. Some have been part of the conspiracy for years, spreading MacDonald’s message through catchy children’s music. The disgraced media tycoon was a known fan of Hitler’s phrase; He alone, who owns the youth, gains the future.

Despite warnings being spread among mothers everywhere, videos containing MacDonald’s messages are still available on many social media and streaming sites. Efforts to remove them have been stymied in the short term by free speech advocates and far right groups.

An associate of MacDonald, known only as Mary, left the compound in handcuffs. Lambs wailed, led away from their abusive master. The smallest broke hearts, struggling free to sit on Mary’s lap in the back of a police van before it was taken away.

Ewan Ramstein (29) and his wife Woolamina (31) claim the child in the now viral news clip is theirs. Snow-White Ramstein met Mary, who gave a talk at her preschool years before.

“Everything changed when she met Mary. Our Snow-White was charmed by the girl. Mary seemed very agreeable at first. That was just a facade, beneath she was quite a contrarian. Anything good in the world was a conspiracy. Our little lamb chopped off communication with us. That last time we saw her was on the news, getting escorted onto a bus two by two with the other animals.

Police have assured us that parents of the children will be contacted as soon as all of those rescued from the facility have been identified.

“Old MacDonald had a pig,” Fluffball told us, before breaking down into a sobbing series of vowel sounds. “He found out the big guy wore a wig. He knew there was a mole in his circle. He tortured the pig. No matter how much Chris P Bacon squealed, MacDonald didn’t believe he was part of the cause. I had to keep my mouth shut as I watched. You know what the worst thing was? He branded the pig with his mark. It smelled delicious.” Fluffington licked his lips, recalling the ordeal.

Minute by minute, the scale of MacDonald’s crimes is revealed. Five little ducks went out each day. One by one, the farmer lured them all away. Fluffington believes some of them may be buried in a field of graves marked only by leek plants.

“He had a thing for cruel and unusual punishment. He made five little monkeys jump on a bed until one fell off and one bumped his head really bad. Papa M, that’s what he liked us all to call him, called a doctor. I tried to alert the doctor to what was happening but he just said we shouldn’t be jumping on the bed.”

Social media is already abuzz that Old MacDonald should have been arrested earlier. Whistleblowers were ignored. Opportunities to end the ordeal of so many innocent animals were missed.

The first rumours of malicious activity emerged in 2017. Three mice reported MacDonald to police, accusing him of blinding them to set an example to others. One lost all of his hair during the ‘expulsion of sin’. Another was beaten around the head, causing swelling that never healed. The third mouse, Larry (25) has given a statement. “He was a monster. It was the same thing, every night. Trying to take over the world. He thought he was a genius. He was insane.”

MacDonald settled out of court with the mice, using a non disclosure agreement to keep them from telling their story.

“I know people will judge me now, but I needed the money,” said Larry. “He’d already ruined my life. At least I got some cash to keep me going. I’m sorry to everyone I might have helped. Non-disclosure agreements shouldn’t exist. They just help people like him hide their crimes.” Clearly haunted by his time on the farm, Larry said; “I can still hear his voice yelling ‘see how they run.’ He would laugh. He was singing one of his songs about a teapot when he burnt my friend. ‘I’m a little teapot, short and stout.’ His hair never grew back. MacDonald called him Pinkie.”

Sedition carries a sentence of up to 20 years and a fine of up to $10,000. Sedition will be the least of Old MacDonald’s problems if he is found guilty of terrorism, which can carry a life sentence and in rare cases, the death penalty. Lawyers for Old MacDonald have issued a statement admitting that he was responsible for several noise disturbances in the past but has learned from his mistakes. He claims the entire investigation is a witch hunt by those who don’t agree with his ahead-of-his-time thinking.

BREAKING NEWS: Old MacDonald has announced his intention to run for president. It is believed he hopes to use the presidential pardon.

Further allegations have come to light dating back to the 1990s, Old MacDonald was accused of failing to declare income for tax purposes in 1992-1998 but due to the statute of limitations cannot be prosecuted for tax evasion. A former girlfriend of MacDonald claims that she went to police in 2001 with claims of violence committed in the 1980s but was told too much time had passed since the offenses to secure a conviction. Once again the statute of limitations saw a criminal evading justice.

I’m Fawning Itin with the Six O’clock News, click on the link below to watch Bear Lee Seayew with the weather.

March 01, 2023 03:43

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91 comments

Lily Finch
00:03 Mar 02, 2023

Graham, Ok, you clearly have written much like good ol' George Orwell with this one. I am not sure I got all of the innuendos but I tried. Different politics for me than you as I don't live in US. Absolutely love this character's name. "It was Furball Fluffington who infiltrated the despot’s network." - I wonder, though, if this should be in quotes since the reporter is reporting this? Bovine - cow jumped over the moon and the dish ran away with the spoon? I know I need rehab, but like Amy said, no, no, no.” - Winehouse? "sedition, terrorism...

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Graham Kinross
03:29 Mar 02, 2023

You’re right with most things. The last bit about being insane instead of a genius is a riff on the theme song for Pinky and the Brain and Larry, who were my three blind mice. Ramstein is a German rock band. Amy Winehouse indeed, I feel like she had a long career ahead of her, such a shame. I just made up charges inspired by the people getting in trouble for the Capitol riots.

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Lily Finch
17:44 Mar 02, 2023

Pinky and the Brain crossed my mind but Larry fooled me. Shoot! LF6.

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Graham Kinross
21:57 Mar 02, 2023

Larry was in one episode, with a modified opening credits sequence.

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Lily Finch
22:37 Mar 02, 2023

You gotta at least give a gal a chance! LF6.

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Graham Kinross
01:30 Mar 03, 2023

I know, I think he was only in one episode but I needed another mouse and I wanted the three blind mice to include Pinky and the Brain. https://youtu.be/VorIn2ISK6w

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Marisa Billions
23:02 Mar 01, 2023

I totally loved this story! It had a very Orwellian feel to it, but not dry and boring (sorry if anyone likes Orwell).

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Graham Kinross
23:50 Mar 01, 2023

I like Animal Farm but I know what you mean, there’s not much fun to be had reading it. Thanks, Marisa.

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Marisa Billions
16:28 Mar 02, 2023

It's an important story, for sure. But I like your version far better! :)

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Graham Kinross
21:54 Mar 02, 2023

Very kind of you. It probably helps that mine is a lot shorter!

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Mike Panasitti
18:42 Mar 01, 2023

What really struck me here, Graham, was the Hitler quote: "He alone, who owns the youth, gains the future." When the United States has a president who's rabidly pro rap and trap music, he, or she, will secure the future, and the country's founding principles will hear their death knell. As things currently are, they're already threatened.

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Graham Kinross
22:34 Mar 01, 2023

But by design the president will always be older than the youth of the nation. I’m not old enough to be President but I’m already too old to quite understand half of the crap teenagers now bother with. TikTok can be amusing for a few minutes but the lack of narrative and the distracting nature of it pisses me off after a while because I don’t see what I’m getting from it. Also, in America at least where two parties dominate the political scene, a president wouldn’t appeal to the whole youth, just the kids who’d be up for voting for their par...

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Mike Panasitti
00:00 Mar 03, 2023

I always appreciate your thoughts, Graham. I hope life in Japan is not as alienating as I imagine it can be for a non-native. BTW, my girlfriend is half-Japanese. I hope to visit your shores with her some day. Seeing Scotland would also be a welcome reprieve from the cultural chaos that is the United States. Take care and cheers.

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Graham Kinross
01:38 Mar 03, 2023

There’s cultural chaos everywhere I think. It can be alienating. I’m used to being an outsider so it doesn’t bother me as much. Here I know why people are looking at me. There are still things that bug me, some of it is my own fault for being here so long and not learning enough of the language. At times I can say things the same way someone Japanese would say them but people in shops aren’t expecting to understand me so they don’t listen and just do whatever. On the rare occasion when I know what they’ve asked and can respond that gets real...

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L. D.
18:37 Jun 04, 2024

This is criminal! ;)

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Graham Kinross
22:31 Jun 04, 2024

https://youtu.be/CDl9ZMfj6aE?si=t5AJjFahJOq6OGTV

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Rebecca Miles
10:38 Dec 31, 2023

This is a fun mashup of news reel and fairytale or nursery rhyme characters respun. The social satire seems apparent in this: BREAKING NEWS: Old MacDonald has announced his intention to run for president. It is believed he hopes to use the presidential pardon. Were you loosely inspired by Animal Farm I wonder...

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Graham Kinross
13:17 Dec 31, 2023

Thanks for reading and commenting. It was influenced by that and a story by Kevin B about the big bad Wolf in the dock: https://blog.reedsy.com/short-story/0tkkc1/

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20:49 Nov 15, 2023

Had to read the one that was short listed. What a laugh. Reminded me of one I heard "Mary had a little lamb. One day it dropped down dead. Now she takes it off to school. Between two bits of bread." Zany story. Payment in catnip! You really entered the minds of your animal characters. The names were clever.

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Graham Kinross
02:55 Nov 16, 2023

Thanks Kaitlyn. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I like to write less serious stories sometimes.

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James Wilson
01:42 Jun 21, 2023

congrats on being shortlisted. feel good?

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Graham Kinross
02:23 Jun 21, 2023

It does, thank you.

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James Wilson
09:43 Jun 22, 2023

No problem buddy.

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L M
09:35 Mar 01, 2023

This reaads like its a newspaper thing but then you say watch at the end. Did you mean to? It wasnf like your other stuff much. No monsters or robots.

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Graham Kinross
10:08 Mar 01, 2023

I’ll take another look at it before the deadline is up. Thanks for flagging that one. I don’t always write about monsters and robots. Sometimes I write about gods and wizards!

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L M
09:10 Mar 03, 2023

Did yiu fix it yet? The deadline is soon.

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Graham Kinross
09:25 Mar 03, 2023

I’ll try.

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L M
10:06 Mar 03, 2023

Cool

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L M
08:32 Mar 16, 2023

You didnt.

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Unknown User
20:37 Jun 21, 2023

<removed by user>

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Graham Kinross
22:40 Jun 21, 2023

Thanks, Joe. I have to give some credit to Kevin Broccoli’s story Straw, Sticks and Brick, also Fables and Terry Pratchett’s Discworld books for inspiration. If you haven’t read Kevin’s story it’s well worth a read. https://blog.reedsy.com/short-story/0tkkc1/

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Unknown User
23:05 Jun 21, 2023

<removed by user>

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Graham Kinross
23:54 Jun 21, 2023

Thanks again.

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