The Adventures of Zack Molotov: Due Returns.

Zack Molotov slammed his foot onto the gas pedal. He looked in his rearview mirror to see headlights approaching. His enemies were gaining on him. “This… is not the way I expected my Tuesday to go.” He muttered. “Hey jerks, you know the speed limit here is 35, right?” He shouted out the window, but the bikers didn’t slow down. “Figures.” He muttered. There was no way hired goons would care about the speed limit. “Fine!” He shouted, “but don’t blame me when you get pulled over!”

“in .5 miles, turn left onto Metro Street.” The robotic voice of his GPS ordered. Zack grabbed the steering wheel with both hands, turning it with all his might. His car drifted around the corner, narrowly missing a mailbox, before he was able to straighten out again.

“You will reach your destination in 12 miles.” His GPS said as his car flew through the city. He turned to see the bikers were still following him, and they were much closer now. His enemies began to open fire, sending bullet after bullet toward his car. Zack ducked as one flew through his back window, narrowly missing his head.

“Oh, come on, I just got those replaced!” Zack shouted as he felt around inside his glove compartment, trying to find his gun. Eventually, he felt his hand brush against the cold steel of the barrel. “Bingo.” He said, grabbing the gun. He didn’t have many rounds left, but hopefully what he had would be enough. After all, his mom had told him he was the best shot in the states. Surely he could shoot a few motorbikes, right? He cocked his weapon and aimed toward the front tire of one of the bikes. He fired, and It was a direct hit. The tire burst and the biker swerved, crashing into the side of a building. “Yes!” Zack cheered softly, pumping his first as he aimed for another bike. He fired again, and this bullet went right through the engine. The bike began to wobble as its driver tried to regain control, but it was no use. The biker spun out into a street lamp, causing it to fall over. “Looks like somebody’s seeing the light!” Zack laughed, but his jubilation was premature. A dark shadow fell over his car. Then another, and another. Each one getting closer than the last. That was when Zack realized he had made a grave miscalculation. The streetlamp he had shot the biker into had fallen into another lamp, and then another. The streetlights were knocking each other over like dominos! Zack knew he had to change lanes, but it was too late. With a reverberating crash, Zack’s car was brought to a stop. One of the lamps had fallen into his engine. He tried shifting his car into reverse, but his engine had been completely crushed. The bikes swerved, coming to a stop at the front of his destroyed car. They slammed on their breaks and pulled out their guns. Zack was defeated.

or so they thought.

“Hand over the package, Zack Molotov!” The biker shouted, but Zack had a plan. He pressed the “Eject” button on his dashboard, which sent his carseat rocketing into the sky.

“Sorry gents, but I have to fly!” He shouted as the bikers tried to fire, but their attempts were in vain. As he flew through the sky, Zack realized he now had a new problem, as he was currently sitting in a chair that was forty-thousand feet above the ground. Luckily, he had prepared for this, and he quickly pulled the lever to open the chair’s parachute. Unfortunately, nothing happened, as Zack had forgotten to install that crucial component. It was at this moment that Zack said a word. It was a very bad word. A word so bad that I will not be repeating it here in order to keep this violent espionage comedy accessible to younger readers. Suddenly, Zack saw something in the distance. It was a large steel object soaring through the sky. Upon closer inspection, it was an airplane! In fact, it was not just any airplane, an airplane from Ex-Machina airlines! If he could just angle his descent, he could land on the wing. Maybe even grab the door handle! It was risky, and he only had one shot at this, but hey, he was the main character. What was the worst that could happen? He reached out his hand, and with the accuracy of a thousand action movie heroes, he managed to grab the handle to the airplane door. He quickly opened it up, and leapt inside. The sudden change in cabin pressure caused the oxygen masks to fall from the ceiling of the plane, but the passengers didn’t seem to notice.

“Talk about a first class escape.” Zack said as he sat down in an empty seat toward the back of the plane. Oddly enough, none of the other passengers seemed alarmed. In fact, they all acted as if he wasn’t even there. “Hey pal, watcha’ reading?” Zack asked, bumping the elbow of the passenger next to him. The passenger didn’t look up from his book, but he did clear his throat.

“101 ways to kill Zack Molotov.” The man said, his eyes darting up to meet Zack’s.

“Oh yeah, great book.” Zack said, not really paying attention to what the passenger was saying. “Wait, what?” He asked as the passenger pulled out a knife and swung it toward Zack. Zack leaned back to doge, the knife narrowly missing his throat. Zack kicked up towards the attacker, but he blocked it with his left arm. The attacker went in for another swing, but this time Zack was ready. Zack caught his assailant’s right hand, twisting his wrist. The attacker cried out, dropping the knife, but suddenly something his Zack from behind. As Zack fell to the floor, he turned to see that another passenger had smashed a bottle of wine over his head. Liquid drenched the back of Zack’s sport coat as he saw his new enemy preparing for another strike. As his enemy lifted his broken bottle, Zack reached for the floor to pick up one of the shards. He threw it like a shuriken into the enemies leg, causing him to lose his balance. Zack used this imbalance to grab the enemy’s head, slamming it into one of the open flight trays. “Passenger’s Please keep your trays in the upright position.” Zack shouted as he flipped the tray up, smashing his enemy’s head in between the chair and the tray. “So how do you like THAT airline food-” Zack started, but he was cut off by a new fist flying into his face. “Oh, come on-'' Zack cried as the third enemy’s fist slammed into his stomach, sending him flying down the aisle. “Jeez…” Zack muttered, rubbing his jaw. “Hey, do either of you have a gun?” He asked the passengers on both sides of him.

“Funny you should ask…” The passenger on the right said, pulling out a revolver.

“We certainly do.” The passenger on the left said, pulling out a M9.

“Great, can I borrow one?” Zack asked, glancing back and forth between the passengers. They looked at Zack, then at each other. They then pointed their guns at Zack.

“This is what I get for flying coach.” Zack muttered, leaping backwards out of their fire. As he retreated, he narrowly ducked a blow from the pilot, who had stepped out to join the fun.

“Okay, time out, time out!” Zack shouted, holding his hands in a T position. “Is there anyone on this plane who doesn’t want to kill me?” He asked.

“I’d be content with maiming you.” A voice from the back said.

“Not helping, Lyle.” Another voice snapped.

“Just give us the damn package, Zack” The flight attendant growled.

“And if I don’t?” Zack retorted.

“Then you’re going to wish you paid attention to the flight safety instructions!” She shouted as she threw her cart into Zack. It slammed into him, rocketing him to the back of the plane.

“Alright then.” Zack said, wiping the sweat from his brow. “Passengers, please buckle your seatbelts.” He said, reaching for the emergency exit lever. “Looks like we’re in for some turbulence!” He shouted, throwing the massive side door open. The suction pulled him out of the plane, but he was able to hold on by gripping the door handle. “It appears there’s been a slight change in cabin pressure!” He shouted as his enemies began to slide across the floor. One by one they flew past Zack, careening through the sky in the plane’s wake. It wasn’t long before the entire plane was empty. Using all of his strength, Zack climbed back into the plane, and shut the door. He may have taken care of his enemies, but the toughest challenge still remained: Landing the plane.

Normally when one was in the park, they would expect to see certain things. Things like trees, or birds, maybe even a picnic. What one did not expect to see in the park was a flaming airplane coming to a crash in the middle of the gazebo, but that was what happened today. And right in the middle of the Jefferson’s wedding ceremony no less. “Well, that’s one way to crash a wedding.” Zack said as he leapt out of the destroyed plane. The wedding party stared at him, utterly flabbergasted with his arrival. “Um… Cheers to the happy couple?” Zack asked, holding up the remains of a wine glass. Zack was then attacked by a horde of angry bridesmaids, and decided it was time for him to take his leave. He looked down at his watch, only to see he was running out of time. He had to get to the town square, and fast! But how? He wasn’t fast enough to make it there on foot! And that was when he saw it. A miraculous device that was chained to the park’s bike rack. A device that was the solution to all of his problems.

A Segway.

Breaking the chain in half, Zack leapt onto the Segway. With a speed that would rival a small woodchuck, he sped out of the park and onto the city streets. He passed his car, and saw that there was a small note on the windshield that read, “sorry”.

“Well, at least they were professional about it.” Zack thought to himself as he sped toward his destination. As he drove toward the center of the city, he saw the town square rise over the horizon. The square contained the city’s post office and the town hall, along with the public library. His goal was right in front of him! He checked his watch and saw he still had five minutes left. It was at this moment that Zack began to hear a strange sound. It was the sound of a high pitched beep, and it was growing closer. Suddenly, a rocket appeared directly in front of him! He tried to dodge, but there was a reason dodging rockets on a Segway wasn’t highlighted on his resume. It was a direct hit, and Zack was launched into the air as his Segway exploded into a thousand pieces. As Zack landed on the hard gravel street, he looked up to see the face of his new attacker. It was a tall middle aged woman in a black trench coat. She wore a fedora on her head, and was holding a rocket launcher in her hand. Her face bore a monocle, which gleamed in the fading sunlight.

“Dr. Alice McMalice.” Zack said as he brushed the gravel from his face.

“Zack Molotov, Publicly Traded Assassin, and Freelance Caterer.” she said as she walked over.

“The one and only.” Zack said, cracking a smile as he tried to stand up. “Look, I’ve been having a rough day. Can we PLEASE do this later?”

“Sorry Zack,” she said, slamming her boot onto his stomach, pinning him to the ground, “But I can’t let you deliver that package.” She loaded another rocket into her launcher and pointed the barrel toward Zack’s head.

“Do you honestly think that little thing can take me out?” Zack asked, staring into the massive open barrel of the rocket launcher.

“No.” Dr. McMalice replied. “Which is why I brought them.” She said as several hired goons rushed onto the scene. They surrounded Zack, each one aiming a loaded weapon to his head. Some had machine guns, while others had shotguns, and Zack thought he even saw one with a water gun.

“You know, this would make for a killer movie poster.” Zack remarked.

“Spare us your irreverent pop-culture references.” Dr. McMalice said as she primed her rocket launcher. “Give us the package, or face the consequences.”

“Why do you all keep calling it “the package?”” Zack asked. “Do you even know what I'm trying to drop off?”

“Well… No...” One of the goons replied.

“That doesn’t matter!” Dr. McMalice shouted. “If it’s precious to you, we plan to take it!”

“Fine, your loss.” Zack said, a cocky smile spreading across his face. “But you're going to feel really stupid when this is all over.”

“Open fire!” Dr. McMalice ordered, taking her foot off Zack in order to ready her rocket. This was just what Zack needed. Now that he was free, he could finally give these goons the beatdown they deserved. He spun his leg, knocking them off balance. Zack then stood up in the center of the circle as the goons regained their footing. They all aimed their guns at him and pulled the triggers, but before the bullets could land, Zack leapt out from his little circle of fiends, causing them to take each other out

As the goons fell to the ground, only one was left standing. This goon was known as Gordon Goonington. The Goonington family had been working as hired goons for generations, with Gordon being the next in line. He looked around at his fallen comrades, and then to Zack. Zack had his back turned, and was still in the process of landing. He wouldn’t be able to dodge this time. This was his chance! It was time for Gordon Goonington to finally prove he could handle the family business! If he was able to kill Zack Molotov, then his family would HAVE to invite him to thanksgiving next year! He wrapped his finger around the trigger, and with the might of a thousand goons, he fired.

A small stream of water hit the back of Zack’s sport coat. “You gotta be kidding me.” Zack muttered. “First the wine bottle and now this!?” He shouted. "I just had thing thing dry-cleaned!" Gordon Was filled with pride. He had finally done it! He had successfully shot Zack Molotov! He was so busy celebrating that he didn’t notice Zack walking over to him. “Hey Gordon.” Zack said, Grabbing Gordon Goonington’s tie, lowering him to Zack's eye level. “How’s the family?” Zack asked.

“The wife and kids are good, thanks for asking.” Gordon replied.

“Good to hear.” Zack said, before slamming his head into Gordon’s, knocking him out. “Always good to catch up with old friends.” Zack said, brushing the dust off of his hands. “Same time next week?” He asked Gordon. The fallen member of the Goonington family didn’t reply, but he did raise a thumbs up in agreement.

“Not so fast, Zack Molotov!” Dr. McMalice shouted. “If you want to secure the package, you’ll have to go through me!” She shouted. She was standing in front of the post office, still holding her loaded rocket launcher.

“Actually, I won’t.” Zack replied, gesturing his gaze toward the public library. He took off running for entrance, taking the package out from his sport coat. This was it, the final stretch. He looked down at his watch. He only had thirty seconds left. Would that be enough time? Wait… what was he thinking? He was Zack Molotov! Of course he’d have enough time!

“PREPARE TO MEET YOUR END, ZACK MOLOTOV!!!” Dr. McMalice shouted, firing her final rocket.

“Oh crap.” Zack muttered. This was not good. The rocket had been aimed directly into his path. If he kept running, collision was inevitable! He could stop moving to avoid it, but if he did, he wouldn’t deliver the package on time! There was only one option left, but it was risky. Zack would have to jump over the missile. However, if he jumped, he might lose his momentum! There was no way he could make it in time! Unless…

As the missile grew close to Zack’s Path, Zack planted his feet into the ground, taking a massive leap over it. As the missile passed beneath him, he pulled back his arm holding the package. With one fierce throw, he launched the package through the air, sending it hurtling toward the library. It slid perfectly through the small metal slot at the library book drop, before landing firmly inside the metal collection bin. The city clock chimed six times, marking the library’s closing time. Zack had done it. He had successfully returned his library book on time.

“Seriously!? that was what all this was about?” Dr. McMalice asked angrily. “The package was just a library book?”

“Not just any library book,” Zack replied, shaking his index finger. “An overdue library book.”

“You’re ridiculous!” Dr. McMalice shouted.

“Hey, say what you will, but I would have had one hell of a fine if I didn’t get it in today.” Zack remarked as he walked over to her.

“Whatever, let’s just go home.” Dr. McMalice said, lowering her rocket launcher.

“Sounds good.” Zack said, walking beside her. They may have been mortal enemies, but that didn’t mean they weren’t friends. Side by side, they walked off into the sunset.

“You do realize they don’t count the book drop returns until tomorrow, right?” Dr. McMalice asked.

“Wait, what?” Zack replied.