Submitted to: Contest #80

Missing Pieces (That's my title for now:))

Written in response to: "Start your story with a major news event breaking — one that will change the world forever."

Adventure Romance

I know this is irrelevant to this week's theme, but I still wanted to post something. It might even be able to contribute to my story for next week:) Sorry!

Dawn broke the darkness that snuck behind the towering mountain peaks, the sun slowly rising above the horizon. Eliza stood by the open window pane, feeling the cool breeze numb her cheeks. Everyone hated being cold, but not Eliza. Something about the sensation of feeling the iciness of the air was so mind-clearing.

And Eliza needed a clear mind, especially now. She picked out the far-off kingdom through squinted eyes. It was as small as her pinkie nail at this distance, and wasn’t very impressive. And she had to go there. The King there had died during the past week, and they were severely desperate for a capable—and wealthy—bride for the Prince. She sighed and turned away from the window. She walked over to a piano in the middle of the huge granite room, moving in a poised manner. The Grand’s slick black paint reflected the soft glow of the moonlight shining through the still open window onto Eliza’s azure dress.

She carefully sat herself on the bench and lightly placed her fingers on the keys. The melody filled the Music Chamber, Eliza’s fingers gliding across the keys, flowing in a continuous song. She filled the music with passion and emotion, and embraced the last echoing notes as she finished. She closed her eyes in sorrow and stood up from the cushioned seat. Softly tracing the framework of the piano, Eliza said her last goodbyes and left the room.

Yellow candle light and warmth enveloped her as she hurried down the castle corridors to her rooms. She quickly grabbed her bags—her servants were all sick, the poor things took the servant’s door, a convenient shortcut through the kitchens and to the palanquin that was waiting for her outside. She stepped into the chilling night air and spotted her mother waiting patiently in the palanquin.

Wait, were those wheels? Eliza found herself dumbfounded, but climbed into the strange palanquin anyways.

“Eliza,” her mother said softly. “A Princess is never late.”

“I am sorry, Mother. I will take that into account next time I am leaving my life behind to assist a kingdom in shambles.”

Eliza felt a stab of guilt, and immediately regretted the comeback.

Her mother glared, but otherwise ignored the comment.

Eliza’s mind soon wandered as she waited for the palanquin to start its journey. How would it move, anyways? However they got it moving, wouldn’t it be bumpy and—

Her thoughts and questions were interrupted by overlapped clip-clopping outside. Mother startled and peeked past the cloth curtain that worked as a makeshift door. She gasped, and pulled back into the palanquin.

“What is it?” Eliza asked, curious.

Her mother clicked her tongue in dissatisfaction and shook her head. “They think they can use horses to move the palanquin! Ha! How could those dirty beasts ever manage to—”

She was cut off as the palanquin lurched forward, much faster than either of them had expected. Eliza held back a smile, and slipped a small book out of her satchel. This was going to be a long ride.

...

By the end of the journey, Eliza’s backside ached. The horse-pulled palanquin on wheels was faster and more efficient, but much more uncomfortable. Every pebble in the gravel path lurched its passengers, causing Eliza and her mother to sigh in relief as they finally arrived at their destination.

“Finally,” Eliza’s mother grumbled. “I feel as if my backside will fall right off as soon as I get the chance to stand up.”

Eliza let a smile bleed onto her face at the remark. For a woman so strict on ladylike behavior, Mother could make up quite the scene—so long as they were alone.

Eliza stepped out of the palanquin first, with the help of the man that controlled the horses. The stench of dirt mixed with sweat immediately stung her nose as she watched a small rodent scurry across the path in front of her. The said “kingdom” was in worse shape than she’d anticipated.

“Goodness me,” her mother gasped in shock with a hand to her breast. “This is filthy!” She lifted her dress so the hem didn’t brush the ground as she moved and stomped towards the castle—the only seemingly normal thing in sight—to speak with the prince. Eliza nodded her thanks to the coachman—which he called himself after she’d asked—and hurried off after her mother.

Eliza noticed children running in the streets, playing with each other. All they had for clothes were rags hanging off of their slim bodies in tatters. They were covered in mud and dirt, and coughed violently as they played Bring-The-Stick with street dogs. Her mother was disgusted, staying away from them as much as possible and yelping when they ran across her path. Eliza was curious—and guilty. This whole time, they lived prosperous while this poor kingdom suffered the opposite.

As they approached the palace, Eliza spotted a small girl-child with stunning blue eyes, clutching a ragged doll. She sat alone on the side of the street, covered in grime and clothed with only rags. Eliza smiled at the girl and continued behind her mother.

Before they could even enter through the doors, a short, plump man scuttled out—the Lord Steward.

“At last! My name is Gustav. Come, come inside.” The man turned around and started inside.

Eliza’s mother snatched his arm with unexpected speed.

Gustav stopped and turned to face them.

“This is vile,” she exclaimed. “I refuse to stay here.”

Gustav adopted a horrified look. “N-no, miss, please,” he stuttered. “Please, just give us a chance. Two months, just two months, please!”

“Fine,” she hesitated, scowling. “But I’m going home.”

She turned to Eliza. “I will see you in two months, my dear.” And with that, she stalked off back to the palanquin, eyeing the man next to her daughter. Gustav said nothing, walking into the palace and leading Eliza to her rooms. He looked at Eliza with pleading eyes, then shut the door softly.

The nice Coachman brought Eliza’s bags, and she sat on her bed beside them, sighing. “Right, then.”

Posted Feb 12, 2021
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62 likes 123 comments

Rayhan Hidayat
18:25 May 19, 2021

A palanquin with wheels, pulled by horses? So... a carriage? 😂

I can’t believe I havent checked out one of your stories yet. There’s no conclusion here, but I guess that’s because this is supposed to serve as a sort of first chapter. The imagery is solid but what struck me the most was the characters. Eliza is full of wit. I love her! Her mother is refined, though not too much that she loses her humanity. The mother-daughter dynamic has hints of complexity, which is great.

I know you wrote this ages ago but I’d hate not to leave a comment! Good stuff, Brightness, didn’t know you could write as well as you can draw haha

Reply

Shallan Davar
19:02 May 19, 2021

Yeah, a carriage 😂 They hadn't been made at that point, until then so I thought it was kinda fun haha
Yeah basically a first chapter sort of thing, you got it!
Eeeeeeee thank you so much!!!! I really appreciate it :D

Oh dang, sorry to break it to you Brightlord.....I WISH I'd have drawn my pfp!! I ain't a very good artist, I just stole that from the internet 😂😂😂
(But the writing is original, I promise!😂)

Reply

Rayhan Hidayat
19:13 May 19, 2021

Oh I see! I just think it’s a bit strange that she lives in a time period where pianos exist but not horse-drawn carriages... 🤔

Oh no, I meant like Shallan is a good drAwer, you know? (We’re still roleplaying, right?) I’m pretty sure I’ve seen that image on the wiki before anyway haha

I think I’m logging off now, it’s hella late here—til next time Brightness!

Reply

Shallan Davar
19:31 May 19, 2021

Spoiler: ~It's not Earth >:]

OoooHhHh I'm an idiot 😂 (Absolutely, I'm sorry I'm just so sleep deprived and I like don't have a brain-)
My bad YvY

Oh okay, g'night! 😂

Reply

Rayhan Hidayat
20:03 May 20, 2021

It’s not earth?? I hope this is a full-on novel, got me kinda interested!

Reply

Shallan Davar
22:19 May 20, 2021

Ahaha I mean obviously it has to be something close to Earth because everything can't just be the same....... Idk, I'm still figuring it out XD

Reply

WAIT A MINUTE-
Are you on Nanowrimo YWP?
If not, don't mind me, i'm crazy probably

Reply

Shallan Davar
04:20 Apr 23, 2021

ABSOLUTELY-
How you know me-

Reply

Shallan Davar
04:22 Apr 23, 2021

Idk if I have the same name tho-

Reply

Shallan Davar
04:26 Apr 23, 2021

JUST KIDDING
I just changed it to Shallan Davar 11 XD

Reply

My username was PercyJacksonMegaFan, I just changed it to BluePlasticHairbrush XD

Reply

Shallan Davar
14:16 Apr 23, 2021

OMG that's an amazing nameeee XD
But how did you know I was on there?! Is there someone else with the same username??

Reply

Philip Clayberg
19:51 Feb 23, 2021

I liked this story. Thank you for writing it. You did a good job showing the difference between wealth and poverty, between royalty and the poor. And, especially, between Eliza and her mother. (Btw, if you haven't read it yet, I would recommend Victor Hugo's books, "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" and "Les Miserables".) I hope you'll write a sequel to this story because I want to read about what happens next.

And here are the editing comments (hope they're not too lengthy or annoying):

The Grand’s slick black paint [Just for clarity, I would probably change "Grand's" to "grand piano's". Btw, I'm a part-time pianist and grand pianos are wonderful to play. I wish I had one of my own.]

shining through the still open window [I think "still open" is supposed to be "still-open".]

The melody filled the Music Chamber, Eliza’s fingers gliding across the keys, flowing in a continuous song. [I would change the first comma to "as", and then change "gliding" to "glided". It seems to read better that way to me. You're welcome to disagree, though.]

She quickly grabbed her bags—her servants were all sick, the poor things took the servant’s door, a convenient shortcut through the kitchens and to the palanquin that was waiting for her outside. [I had to reread the sentence and I think I found the error in it. There should be a dash after "things". Also, maybe add a period after "kitchens" and start a new sentence with "The palanquin was already waiting for her outside." I'm not sure how else to make it read any better.]

by overlapped clip-clopping [Maybe change "overlapped" to "the overlapping of the"?]

that worked as a makeshift door. [Maybe change "worked" to "served".]

Mother could make up quite the scene [Maybe say: Mother could create quite a scene]

Eliza nodded her thanks to the coachman—which he called himself after she’d asked—and hurried off after her mother. [I'm not sure that you need "- which he called himself after she'd asked -". I don't think she'd ask him what he was. She would be appreciative of his service, true, but she's royalty. Unless she's the type who enjoys interacting with commoners, why would she do more than nod to him?]

, playing with each other. [I would change the comma to an "and"]

All they had for clothes were rags [I would add "the" before "rags"]

, and coughed violently as they played [I would delete the comma; it isn't needed]

with street dogs. [Maybe say "with dogs in the street." or leave as is.]

staying away from them as much as possible and yelping when they ran across her path. [Maybe say "staying as far away from them as possible. But when she couldn't, she glared at them whenever they ran across her path." I don't think she would "yelp".]

Eliza was curious—and guilty. [I would add "felt" before "guilty".]

This whole time, they lived prosperous while this poor kingdom suffered the opposite. [I would say: This whole time, they'd lived in comfort and prosperity, never knowing that this kingdom had become impoverished and its children forced to live in rags.]

Eliza smiled at the girl and continued behind her mother. [I don't think Eliza would just smile at the girl in rags. Unlike her mother, Eliza seems to sympathize with the plight of the poor in the kingdom. Therefore, I think she would've given the girl a smile that was filled with encouragement, and maybe also a little sadness and guilt. As is, it sounds like Eliza isn't doing much more than waving as they go by, and thinking, "Poor thing. But it is how it must be. We must be the rich royalty and they must be the impoverished."]

Before they could even enter through the doors, [I think I would change "doors" to "palace's front entrance" -- this is a palace, after all, not just a house.]

a short, plump man scuttled out—the Lord Steward. [I would say: a short, plump man scuttled out of the palace and introduced himself as the Lord Steward.]

The man turned around and started inside.

Eliza's mother snatched his arm with unexpected speed. [I would combine these two sentences and say: The man turned around and was about to re-enter the palace when Eliza's mother snatched his arm with unexpected speed.]

Gustav stopped and turned to face them. [I would say: Gustav was forced to turn and face them. He looked puzzled.]

"N-no, miss, please," [I would change "miss" to "Miss"]

"But I'm going home." [I would add "Immediately, if not sooner."]

Gustav said nothing, walking into the palace and leading Eliza to her rooms. [I would make this the start of a new paragraph. I would also change ", walking into" to "and re-entered". Maybe change "and leading Eliza to her rooms." to "In mortified silence, he led Eliza to her rooms."]

then shut the door softly. [I would add "after him" after "softly".]

The nice Coachman brought Eliza's bags [Had he followed them from the palanquin to the palace, as well as to Eliza's rooms? You didn't say what happened to him until this sentence.] [Also, I would change "Eliza's bags" to "Eliza her bags and placed them on her bed".]

, and she sat on her bed beside them, sighing. [I would delete the first comma and say: She sat on the bed next to her bags and sighed.]

Reply

Shallan Davar
21:57 Feb 23, 2021

Thank you so much! And I looooove Hunchback of Notre Dam and Les Mis!! Great stories.
These suggestions are sooooooo helpful, thank you! I'll be sure to change everything:) Thanks again so much! (And I'm a part-time pianist, too! But I haven't had the chance to play a Grand yet:( I will in a couple of months, though!)

Reply

Shallan Davar
22:16 Feb 23, 2021

Alright, this might be a bit much.... you don't have to read all of it haha but I edited it the best I could. If you do somehow end up reading all of it, then could you let me know if that's a little better? Thanks again so much for your encouraging words and awesome tips! Very helpful:)

I know this is irrelevant to this week's theme, but I still wanted to post something. It might even be able to contribute to my story for next week:) Sorry!
Dawn broke the darkness that snuck behind the towering mountain peaks, the sun slowly rising above the horizon. Eliza stood by the open window pane, feeling the cool breeze numb her cheeks. Everyone hated being cold, but not Eliza. Something about the sensation of feeling the iciness of the air was so mind-clearing.
And Eliza needed a clear mind, especially now. She picked out the far-off kingdom through squinted eyes. It was as small as her pinkie nail at this distance, and wasn’t very impressive. And she had to go there. The King there had died during the past week, and they were severely desperate for a capable—and wealthy—bride for the Prince. She sighed and turned away from the window. She walked over to a piano in the middle of the huge granite room, moving in a poised manner. The grand piano’s slick black paint reflected the soft glow of the moonlight shining through the still-open window onto Eliza’s azure dress.
She carefully sat herself on the bench and lightly placed her fingers on the keys. The melody filled the Music Chamber as Eliza’s fingers glided across the keys, flowing in a continuous song. She filled the music with passion and emotion, and embraced the last echoing notes as she finished. She closed her eyes in sorrow and stood up from the cushioned seat. Softly tracing the framework of the piano, Eliza said her last goodbyes and left the room.
Yellow candle light and warmth enveloped her as she hurried down the castle corridors to her rooms. She quickly grabbed her bags—her servants were all sick, the poor things—took the servant’s door, a convenient shortcut through the kitchens. The palanquin was already waiting for her outside. She stepped into the chilling night air and spotted her mother waiting patiently in the palanquin.
Wait, were those wheels? Eliza found herself dumbfounded, but climbed into the strange palanquin anyways.
“Eliza,” her mother said softly. “A Princess is never late.”
“I am sorry, Mother. I will take that into account next time I am leaving my life behind to assist a kingdom in shambles.”
Eliza felt a stab of guilt, and immediately regretted the comeback.
Her mother glared, but otherwise ignored the comment.
Eliza’s mind soon wandered as she waited for the palanquin to start its journey. How would it move, anyways? However they got it moving, wouldn’t it be bumpy and—
Her thoughts and questions were interrupted by the overlapping of the clip-clopping outside. Mother startled and peeked past the cloth curtain that served as a makeshift door. She gasped, and pulled back into the palanquin.
“What is it?” Eliza asked, curious.
Her mother clicked her tongue in dissatisfaction and shook her head. “They think they can use horses to move the palanquin! Ha! How could those dirty beasts ever manage to—”
She was cut off as the palanquin lurched forward, much faster than either of them had expected. Eliza held back a smile, and slipped a small book out of her satchel. This was going to be a long ride.
...
By the end of the journey, Eliza’s backside ached. The horse-pulled palanquin on wheels was faster and more efficient, but much more uncomfortable. Every pebble in the gravel path lurched its passengers, causing Eliza and her mother to sigh in relief as they finally arrived at their destination.
“Finally,” Eliza’s mother grumbled. “I feel as if my backside will fall right off as soon as I get the chance to stand up.”
Eliza let a smile bleed onto her face at the remark. For a woman so strict on ladylike behavior, Mother could create quite a scene—so long as they were alone.
Eliza stepped out of the palanquin first, with the help of the man that controlled the horses. The stench of dirt mixed with sweat immediately stung her nose as she watched a small rodent scurry across the path in front of her. The said “kingdom” was in worse shape than she’d anticipated.
“Goodness me,” her mother gasped in shock with a hand to her breast. “This is filthy!” She lifted her dress so the hem didn’t brush the ground as she moved and stomped towards the castle—the only seemingly normal thing in sight—to speak with the prince. Eliza nodded her thanks to the coachman and hurried off after her mother.
Eliza noticed children running in the streets and playing with each other. All they had for clothes were the rags hanging off of their slim bodies in tatters. They were covered in mud and dirt, and coughed violently as they played Bring-The-Stick with street dogs. Her mother was disgusted, staying as far away from them as possible. But when she couldn’t, she glared at them whenever they ran across her path. Eliza was curious about the living circumstances here—and felt guilty. This whole time, they’d lived in comfort and prosperity, never knowing that this kingdom had become impoverished and its children forced to live in rags.
As they approached the palace, Eliza spotted a small girl-child with stunning blue eyes, clutching a ragged doll. She sat alone on the side of the street, covered in grime and clothed with only rags. Eliza gave the small girl an encouraging—but slightly guilty—smile and continued behind her mother.
Before they could even enter through the palace’s front entrance, a short, plump man scuttled out that introduced himself as the Lord Steward.
“At last! My name is Gustav. Come, come inside.” The man turned around and was about to re-enter the palace when Eliza’s mother snatched his arm with unexpected speed.
Gustav was forced to turn and face them. He looked puzzled.
“This is vile,” she exclaimed. “I refuse to stay here.”
Gustav adopted a horrified look. “N-no, Miss, please,” he stuttered. “Please, just give us a chance. Two months, just two months, please!”
“Fine,” she hesitated, scowling. “But I’m going home. Immediately, if not sooner.”
She turned to Eliza. “I will see you in two months, my dear.” And with that, she stalked off back to the palanquin, eyeing the man next to her daughter. Gustav said nothing and re-entered the palace. In mortified silence, he led Eliza to her rooms, then shut the door softly after him.
Mother must have sent the Coachman with Eliza’s bags; he showed up with them in hand and placed them on her bed. She sat on the bed next to them and sighed. “Right, then.”

Reply

Philip Clayberg
20:18 Mar 10, 2021

Oh, that's weird. Your February 23 story draft appeared in the thread after I'd already responded to your March 1 story draft. I was about to start reading it and responding to it when I looked at the message's date. I hope it's okay that I'm not reading and responding to the February 23 message (since that version of your story is already out-of-date) ... beyond this message, I mean.

Reply

Philip Clayberg
01:27 Feb 24, 2021

I like this second draft even better than the first draft (even if it might not seem like it from the length of my editing comments). I added some additional paragraphs of my own to the end of your story; feel free to keep them or discard them. Your choice.

My editing comments follow:

, and wasn’t very impressive. [you didn't need the comma]

And she had to go there. [I'm not sure that "And" is needed. I think it works better without it. It's more forceful. It sounds like there's no option. She *has* to. Or maybe say: "She knew she had to go there." But, to me, that sounds weak in comparison. I think "She had to go there." is best.]

, and they were severely desperate [I'm not sure this comma is needed, either]

, moving in a poised manner. [Maybe say instead: She walked as a princess walked: with poise and dignity. She could almost hear Mother say, "Shoulders back. Don't slouch. You're a princess, remember. Not a commoner."]

, and embraced the last echoing notes as she finished. [Maybe I should've mentioned this in my first set of editing comments. Sorry. Maybe say something like: ", embracing the last echoing notes as they faded away." Since you already said "last notes", I'm not sure that "as she finished" is really needed.]

Yellow candle light and warmth [I think "candlelight" is one word, not two.]

next time I am leaving my life behind [I would add "the" before "next"]

, and immediately regretted the comeback. [The comma isn't needed. Also, I wouldn't call it a "comeback". Maybe change "the comeback" to "her hurtful words"?]

How would it move, anyways? [I'm not sure that ", anyways" is needed. Also, since Eliza is a princess, she would surely have ridden in things like carriages before. However, if it's an unusual design (possibly something new she hadn't seen and traveled in before), I could understand her wondering about how it would travel from place to place.]

This was going to be a long ride. [Maybe delete the period and add: and losing herself in the book would definitely make the time pass more enjoyably.]

The horse-pulled palanquin [I would change "horse-pulled" to "horse-drawn"]

but much more uncomfortable. [I would add "also" after "but"]

Every pebble in the gravel path lurched its passengers, causing Eliza and her mother to sigh in relief as they finally arrived at their destination. [Maybe say instead: It felt like they could feel the palanquin's wooden wheels roll across every single pebble on the gravel-covered road. Both Eliza and her mother sighed with relief when the bumpy journey ended and they arrived at their destination.]

“I feel as if my backside will fall right off as soon as I get the chance to stand up.” [Maybe say instead: "I feel like my backside has been pounded the entire way here. I can only hope that it won't complain too much when I stand up again."]

so the hem didn’t brush the ground [I would add "that" after "so"]

running in the streets and playing with each other [I'm guessing that the children are running and playing outside the palace. Maybe add "outside the palace" either before or after this phrase? Okay, I think I understand. Their destination isn't *at* the palace, because they have to disembark from the palanquin and walk to it.]

; he showed up with them in hand [this sounds a bit odd to me -- maybe delete the semicolon and say: because he arrived soon after, with them in hand. He placed them on her bed, inclined his head momentarily, then turned and left.]

She sat on the bed next to them and sighed. "Right, then." [Maybe start a new (and last) paragraph with: She sat down next to them and sighed. "Well, here I am. One can hope that the Prince isn't just like his kingdom."]

Here are some possible additional paragraphs:

What felt like moments later, one of the palace's staff knocked on her door and cleared his throat. "Your highness? If you are ready, you may see the Prince now." [Doing it like in England, I said "Your highness", because she's still a princess; once she's a queen, she'll be called "Your majesty"]

"Thank you," Eliza said and stood up. "Where is he?"

"On the terrace overlooking the royal gardens," the man said. "This way, please."

She nodded and followed him.

Reply

Shallan Davar
03:27 Feb 24, 2021

Awesome!!! Thanks!:) I know I didn't take all of your suggestions, I just wanted to see how it would turn out. I also added a few things; let me know if I should remove them.
I liked your additional paragraphs! I kind of changed them up a bit, but if you don't like what I did with them just let me know and I'll change it back:)

I know this is irrelevant to this week's theme, but I still wanted to post something. It might even be able to contribute to my story for next week:) Sorry!
Dawn broke the darkness that snuck behind the towering mountain peaks, the sun slowly rising above the horizon. Eliza stood by the open window pane, feeling the cool breeze numb her cheeks. Everyone hated being cold, but not Eliza. Something about the sensation of feeling the iciness of the air was so mind-clearing.
And Eliza needed a clear mind, especially now. She picked out the far-off kingdom through squinted eyes. It was as small as her pinkie nail at this distance and wasn’t very impressive. She knew had to go there. The King there had died during the past week and they were severely desperate for a capable—and wealthy—bride for the Prince. She sighed and turned away from the window. She walked over to a piano in the middle of the huge granite room as a princess walked: with poise and dignity. She could almost hear Mother say, “Shoulders back. Don’t slouch. You’re a princess, remember. Not a commoner.”
The grand piano’s slick black paint reflected the soft glow of the moonlight shining through the still-open window onto Eliza’s azure dress.
She carefully sat herself on the bench and lightly placed her fingers on the keys. The melody filled the Music Chamber as Eliza’s fingers glided across the keys, flowing in a continuous song. She filled the music with passion and emotion, embracing the last echoing notes as they slowly faded away. She closed her eyes in sorrow and stood up from the cushioned seat. Softly tracing the framework of the piano, Eliza said her last goodbyes and left the room.
Yellow candlelight and warmth enveloped her as she hurried down the castle corridors to her rooms. She quickly grabbed her bags—her servants were all sick, the poor things—took the servant’s door, a convenient shortcut through the kitchens. The palanquin was already waiting for her outside. She stepped into the chilling night air and spotted her mother waiting patiently in the palanquin.
Wait, were those wheels? Eliza found herself dumbfounded, but climbed into the strange palanquin anyways.
“Eliza,” her mother said softly. “A Princess is never late.”
“I am sorry, Mother. I will take that into account the next time I am leaving my life behind to assist a kingdom in shambles.”
Eliza immediately felt a stab of guilt and sighed; her tongue was always quicker than her mind.
Her mother glared, but otherwise ignored the comment.
Eliza’s mind soon wandered as she waited for the palanquin to start its journey. How would it move, anyways? However they got it moving, wouldn’t it be bumpy and—
Her thoughts and questions were interrupted by the overlapping of the clip-clopping outside. Mother startled and peeked past the cloth curtain that served as a makeshift door. She gasped, and pulled back into the palanquin.
“What is it?” Eliza asked, curious.
Her mother clicked her tongue in dissatisfaction and shook her head. “They think they can use horses to move the palanquin! Ha! How could those dirty beasts ever manage to—”
She was cut off as the palanquin lurched forward, much faster than either of them had expected. Eliza held back a smile, and slipped a small book out of her satchel. This was going to be a long ride and losing herself in the rhythm of poetry would make the time pass more enjoyably.
...
By the end of the journey, Eliza’s backside ached. The horse-drawn palanquin on wheels was faster and more efficient, but also much more uncomfortable. It felt like they could feel the palanquin’s wooden wheels roll across every single pebble on the gravel-covered road. Both Eliza and her mother sighed with relief when the constant-lurching throughout the journey ended and they finally arrived at their destination.
“Finally,” Eliza’s mother grumbled. “I feel like my backside has been pounded the entire way here. I can only hope that it won’t complain too much when I stand up again.”
Eliza let a smile bleed onto her face at the remark. For a woman so strict on ladylike behavior, Mother could create quite a scene—so long as they were alone.
Eliza stepped out of the palanquin first, with the help of the man that controlled the horses. The stench of dirt mixed with sweat immediately stung her nose as she watched a small rodent scurry across the path in front of her. The said “kingdom” was in worse shape than she’d anticipated.
“Goodness me,” her mother gasped in shock with a hand to her breast. “This is filthy!” She lifted her dress so that the hem didn’t brush the ground as she moved and stomped towards the castle—the only seemingly normal thing in sight—to speak with the prince. Eliza nodded her thanks to the coachman and hurried off after her mother.
Eliza noticed children running in the streets and playing with each other. (I didn’t use your suggestion here, because I myself thought that “streets” kind of clarified it enough. If you still think I should change it, that’s alright:)) All they had for clothes were the rags hanging off of their slim bodies in tatters. They were covered in mud and dirt, and coughed violently as they played Bring-The-Stick with street dogs. Her mother was disgusted, staying as far away from them as possible. But when she couldn’t, she glared at them whenever they ran across her path. Eliza was curious about the living circumstances here—and felt guilty. This whole time, they’d lived in comfort and prosperity, never knowing that this kingdom had become impoverished and its children forced to live in rags.
As they approached the palace, Eliza spotted a small girl-child with stunning blue eyes, clutching a ragged doll. She sat alone on the side of the street, covered in grime and clothed with only rags. Eliza gave the small girl an encouraging—but slightly guilty—smile and continued behind her mother.
Before they could even enter through the palace’s front entrance, a short, plump man scuttled out that introduced himself as the Lord Steward.
“At last! My name is Gustav. Come, come inside.” The man turned around and was about to re-enter the palace when Eliza’s mother snatched his arm with unexpected speed.
Gustav was forced to turn and face them. He looked puzzled.
“This is vile,” she exclaimed. “I refuse to stay here.”
Gustav adopted a horrified look. “N-no, Miss, please,” he stuttered. “Please, just give us a chance. Two months, just two months, please!”
“Fine,” she hesitated, scowling. “But I’m going home. Immediately, if not sooner.”
She turned to Eliza. “I will see you in two months, my dear.” And with that, she stalked off back to the palanquin, eyeing the man next to her daughter. Gustav said nothing and re-entered the palace. In mortified silence, he led Eliza to her rooms, then shut the door softly after him.
Mother must have sent the Coachman with Eliza’s bags because he arrived soon after, with them in hand. He placed them on her bed, inclined his head momentarily, then turned and left.
She sat down next to them and sighed. “Right, then. One can only hope that the Prince isn’t just like his kingdom.” (I would’ve changed it exactly, but I actually really like the “Right, then.” Sorry haha)

What felt like moments later, one of the palace’s staff knocked at her door and softly cleared their throat before speaking. “Your highness?” It sounded like a young man’s voice, not yet past his teens, at least. “If you are ready, you may see the Prince now.”
“Thank you,” Eliza stood up and went to the mirror, then hesitated. She turned her head to the door. “Where is he?”
The boy paused. “On the terrace overlooking the royal gardens,” he said.
Eliza straightened her dress and stepped to the door, opening it to a tan boy in a Royal Messenger’s uniform.
The boy turned and gestured down the corridor before leading the way. “This way, please.”
Eliza nodded and followed close behind.

Reply

Philip Clayberg
05:08 Feb 24, 2021

That's why I call them "suggestions". The author can take them or leave them. I don't want the author to think, "Oh, I have to follow *every* suggestion he makes, because obviously he's an expert and he's always right." I would rather have the author to think, "Hmm. I might not agree with every suggestion he made, but they do give me some good ideas on how *I* would edit and rewrite my story."

As far as what I added to your story, you are free to do with them as you please. After all, this is *your* story, not mine. I remember a long time ago when my middle brother read one of my early stories and his editing suggestions basically rewrote my story *his* way. I try not to do what he did with stories on this website. If I want to write a story my way, then obviously I should write my own story. Otherwise, I should let other authors write their way. If they want advice, I'll do the best I can to help them. I hope that made sense.

I think this is the best version yet of your story. It's so much better than the first and second drafts were. It feels much more vivid and alive. Maybe some readers would want it to read more like a fairy tale, but I like the details that make it feel like it could've taken place in the real world (maybe back in the 17th or 18th Centuries). It doesn't hide the unpleasantness of poverty from view, pretending it doesn't exist. It looks into the proverbial mirror and says, "This is how it really was in the world of this story. If you want something less realistic, read a fairy tale."

Okay ... back to reading your third draft (shivers -- getting cold in here -- must've left a window open -- wraps a blanket around himself; grin).

[As I've read each draft of this story, I've noticed that your writing style is definitely different from mine. And that's fine with me.]

Here come the editing comments:

[Your first sentence sounds like you're trying to describe the sunrise in two slightly different ways. Here's how I would rewrite them: As the sun slowly rose above the horizon, the pale colors of dawn broke through the pitch-black darkness and revealed the tall, sharp, and jagged mountain peaks. [*sigh* I tried several times, but it wasn't easy trying to capture what you imagined in your head. "towering" just felt a little weak to me and I couldn't find a way to fit it in.]]

numb her cheeks. ["numb" sounds like her cheeks are frozen, which I don't think you meant. Maybe just say "on her face."?]

the iciness of the air was so mind-clearing. [maybe add: "and invigorating"?]

they were severely desperate [maybe change "severely" to "quite"?]

She stepped into the chilling night air [You've already spoken about the sunrise, so it wouldn't be "night" anymore. Maybe change "chilling night" here to "chilly early morning"?]

Eliza found herself dumbfounded [maybe change "found herself" to just "was"?]

but climbed into the strange palanquin anyways. [Maybe say: as she climbed into the strange palanquin. [I'm not sure if "anyways" is needed, and besides, I think the correct spelling is "anyway".]]

her tongue was always quicker than her mind. [great line! we would say today: think before you speak.]

How would it move, anyways? [Again, I think "anyways" is misspelled and should be "anyway".]

Mother startled and peeked past the cloth curtain that served as a makeshift door. She gasped, and pulled back into the palanquin. [These two sentences should be a separate paragraph since this is her mother's reaction, not Eliza's. Also, I would delete the comma after "gasped"; I don't think it's needed.]

with the help of the man that controlled the horses. [I tried to find what this man would be called. Google said: A person who drives wagons is called a "wagoner", a "teamster", a "bullocky", a "muleskinner", or simply a "driver". I know that a palanquin isn't a wagon but the person who sits in front basically does the same job. Maybe you could say "the palanquin's driver" instead of "the man who controlled the horses"? Then again, you also said "coachman" about two paragraphs later, so maybe use that instead of "the man who controlled the horses"?]

All they had for clothes were the rags hanging off of their slim bodies in tatters. [Maybe say instead: All they had for clothes were the rags that hung in tatters from their thin bodies. ["slim" sounds like they're in good shape, but I bet they're hungry much of the time, so "thin" seemed to fit better; "thin" implies that you could probably see their shoulder-blades, arm-bones, and leg-bones. In which case, I wonder where they get their playtime energy from if they're so thin and hungry. Wouldn't they see Eliza and her mother as the "wealthy enemy" and maybe yell insults at them and throw stuff at them as they disembarked from the palanquin?]]

clothed with only rags. [I would change "with" to "in"]

that introduced himself as the Lord Steward. [I would change "that" to "and"]

his arm with unexpected speed. [Maybe "ferocity" would work better than "speed", if Eliza's mother is really upset with what the Prince's kingdom looks -- and smells -- like.]

“Right, then. One can only hope that the Prince isn’t just like his kingdom.” (I would’ve changed it exactly, but I actually really like the “Right, then.” Sorry haha) [You're correct. "Right, then." *does* work. She's arrived, she's in her rooms at the Prince's palace. Okay, now what? After all, this is the first time she's visited the Prince's palace, right? And she wouldn't know if it's similar to where she and her mother lived, or if it's really different. Also, she's here to see the Prince and possibly marry him (and not because they love each other; at least, they don't yet).]

------

It's after midnight here, so I'm going to click on the REPLY button and head off to bed. Sleep well.

Reply

Shallan Davar
05:32 Feb 24, 2021

Yes, that makes sense. I'm glad! After all, it's all because of you;D
(Pulls blanket around shoulders; grins)
It's only 10:30 here, but I still have things tomorrow haha
But my brain isn't really working right now, (do I even have a brain? probably not) so I'm not sure if this is really much better than the last one, if any better at all haha


As the sun’s rays slowly peaked above the horizon, the pale colors of dawn broke through the pitch-black darkness and revealed the overwhelming, jagged mountain peaks. Eliza stood by the open window pane, feeling the cool breeze brush past her cheeks. Everyone hated being cold, but not Eliza. Something about the sensation of feeling the iciness of the air was so mind-clearing and invigorating.
And Eliza needed a clear mind, especially now. She picked out the far-off kingdom through squinted eyes. It was as small as her pinkie nail at this distance and wasn’t very impressive. She knew had to go there. The King there had died during the past week and they were in extreme desperation for a capable—and wealthy—bride for the Prince. She sighed and turned away from the window. She walked over to a piano in the middle of the huge granite room as a princess walked: with poise and dignity. She could almost hear Mother say, “Shoulders back. Don’t slouch. You’re a princess, remember. Not a commoner.”
The grand piano’s slick black paint reflected the soft glow of the moonlight shining through the still-open window onto Eliza’s azure dress.
She carefully sat herself on the bench and lightly placed her fingers on the keys. The melody filled the Music Chamber as Eliza’s fingers glided across the keys, flowing in a continuous song. She filled the music with passion and emotion, embracing the last echoing notes as they slowly faded away. She closed her eyes in sorrow and stood up from the cushioned seat. Softly tracing the framework of the piano, Eliza said her last goodbyes and left the room.
Yellow candlelight and warmth enveloped her as she hurried down the castle corridors to her rooms. She quickly grabbed her bags—her servants were all sick, the poor things—took the servant’s door, a convenient shortcut through the kitchens. The palanquin was already waiting for her outside. She stepped into the chilling night air and spotted her mother waiting patiently in the palanquin.
Wait, were those wheels? Eliza was dumbfounded, but climbed into the strange palanquin despite her confusion—Mother was waiting impatiently inside.
“Eliza,” her mother said softly. “A Princess is never late.”
“I am sorry, Mother. I will take that into account the next time I am leaving my life behind to assist a kingdom in shambles.”
Eliza immediately felt a stab of guilt and sighed; her tongue was always quicker than her mind.
Her mother glared, but otherwise ignored the comment.
Eliza’s mind soon wandered as she waited for the palanquin to start its journey. How would it move, anyway? However they got it moving, wouldn’t it be bumpy and—
Her thoughts and questions were interrupted by the overlapping of the clip-clopping outside. Mother startled and peeked past the cloth curtain that served as a makeshift door.
She gasped and pulled back into the palanquin.
“What is it?” Eliza asked, curious.
Her mother clicked her tongue in dissatisfaction and shook her head. “They think they can use horses to move the palanquin! Ha! How could those dirty beasts ever manage to—”
She was cut off as the palanquin lurched forward, much faster than either of them had expected. Eliza held back a smile, and slipped a small book out of her satchel. This was going to be a long ride and losing herself in the rhythm of poetry would make the time pass more enjoyably.
...
By the end of the journey, Eliza’s backside ached. The horse-drawn palanquin on wheels was faster and more efficient, but also much more uncomfortable. It felt like they could feel the palanquin’s wooden wheels roll across every single pebble on the gravel-covered road. Both Eliza and her mother sighed with relief when the constant-lurching throughout the journey ended and they finally arrived at their destination.
“Finally,” Eliza’s mother grumbled. “I feel like my backside has been pounded the entire way here. I can only hope that it won’t complain too much when I stand up again.”
Eliza let a smile bleed onto her face at the remark. For a woman so strict on ladylike behavior, Mother could create quite a scene—so long as they were alone.
Eliza stepped out of the palanquin first, with the help of the coachman. The stench of dirt mixed with sweat immediately stung her nose as she watched a small rodent scurry across the path in front of her. The said “kingdom” was in worse shape than she’d anticipated.
“Goodness me,” her mother gasped in shock with a hand to her breast. “This is filthy!” She lifted her dress so that the hem didn’t brush the ground as she moved and stomped towards the castle—the only seemingly normal thing in sight—to speak with the prince. Eliza nodded her thanks to the coachman and hurried off after her mother.
Eliza noticed children running in the streets and playing with each other. All they had for clothes were the rags that hung in tatters from their thin bodies. (I considered adding some hatred from the children as well, but later in the story Eliza finds that the people are very kind and uncaring about how others are better-off than them. Also, I was thinking they’re hungry a lot, but it’s mostly that they are very dirty. Yes, they are hungry, but they have enough to function. Does that make sense?)
They were covered in mud and dirt, and coughed violently as they played Bring-The-Stick with street dogs. Her mother was disgusted, staying as far away from them as possible. But when she couldn’t, she glared at them whenever they ran across her path. Eliza was curious about the living circumstances here—and felt guilty. This whole time, they’d lived in comfort and prosperity, never knowing that this kingdom had become impoverished and its children forced to live in rags.
As they approached the palace, Eliza spotted a small girl-child with stunning blue eyes, clutching a ragged doll. She sat alone on the side of the street, covered in grime and clothed in only rags. Eliza gave the small girl an encouraging—but slightly guilty—smile and continued behind her mother.
Before they could even enter through the palace’s front entrance, a short, plump man scuttled out and introduced himself as the Lord Steward.
“At last! My name is Gustav. Come, come inside.” The man turned around and was about to re-enter the palace when Eliza’s mother snatched his arm with unexpected ferocity.
Gustav was forced to turn and face them. He looked puzzled.
“This is vile,” she exclaimed. “I refuse to stay here.”
Gustav adopted a horrified look. “N-no, Miss, please,” he stuttered. “Please, just give us a chance. Two months, just two months, please!”
“Fine,” she hesitated, scowling. “But I’m going home. Immediately, if not sooner.”
She turned to Eliza. “I will see you in two months, my dear.” And with that, she stalked off back to the palanquin, eyeing the man next to her daughter. Gustav said nothing and re-entered the palace. In mortified silence, he led Eliza to her rooms, then shut the door softly after him.
Mother must have sent the Coachman with Eliza’s bags because he arrived soon after, with them in hand. He placed them on her bed, inclined his head momentarily, then turned and left.
She sat down next to them and sighed. “Right, then. One can only hope that the Prince isn’t just like his kingdom.” (Well this is kind of hard to explain, but I’ve been reading this book series that has used “Right, then” a couple of times. Just kind of like the feel that it gives me I really like, I don’t know. Like I said, it’s difficult for me to explain. But what else could I say instead? I’m a little stuck haha)

What felt like moments later, one of the palace’s staff knocked at her door and softly cleared their throat before speaking. “Your highness?” It sounded like a young man’s voice, not yet past his teens, at least. “If you are ready, you may see the Prince now.”
“Thank you,” Eliza stood up and went to the mirror, then hesitated. She turned her head to the door. “Where is he?”
The boy paused. “On the terrace overlooking the royal gardens,” he said.
Eliza straightened her dress and stepped to the door, opening it to a tan boy in a Royal Messenger’s uniform.
The boy turned and gestured down the corridor before leading the way. “This way, please.”
Eliza nodded and followed close behind.

Reply

Michael Hayes
12:12 Sep 23, 2021

Any plans for a sequel?

Reply

Shallan Davar
14:22 Sep 23, 2021

Hm...Perhaps. I have been thinking about it, but I haven't quite gotten the chance to begin working on it.
I think I might!

Reply

Nyx :)
16:11 Jun 07, 2021

I really like your profile pic!

Reply

Shallan Davar
19:59 Jun 28, 2021

Thank you!

Reply

15:09 May 29, 2021

Omg so cool! Awesome description, really. It sounds like you cut out a page of a novel (a really GOOD novel, I mean!).

Rando Writing Prompt: Write a story where things happen according to the seasons.

Reply

Shallan Davar
19:58 Jun 28, 2021

Thank you!
Ooo, I'll see what I can do!

Reply

Shallan Davar
19:58 Jun 28, 2021

(Also I'm SORRY for how late I was :'))

Reply

Angelina Jeong
18:12 May 17, 2021

What an amazing story :)

Reply

Shallan Davar
22:44 May 17, 2021

Wow, thank you so much!!! :D

Reply

Isla Wren
20:33 Mar 04, 2021

Thanks for the follow!

I enjoyed this mother daughter duo! I can picture Eliza at the piano.

One area I would love to see you develop a bit more is

“ She filled the music with passion and emotion, and embraced the last echoing notes as she finished.” Is there a way the story could ‘show’ the reader the passion and emotion without just telling us it was there? I think that could be a really beautiful moment!

Also, kudos for writing something with multiple installments - I haven’t been brave enough to undertake that!

Reply

Shallan Davar
22:00 Mar 04, 2021

No problem!

Thanks!:D
Yeah, I wasn't really sure how to describe the music and the sensation in writing.... I'll have to work on that. Thank you!:)

Ha ha, thanks! It's fun, you should totally do it!

Reply

Mary Kate
16:31 Feb 25, 2021

Hi Shallan Davar- I recognised this name straight away! I love Way of Kings and Shallan is my favourite character (along with Lopen and Rock) :-)

Reply

Shallan Davar
17:47 Feb 25, 2021

Yay!!! Finally, 3 people now have recognized my name!!!
I loooove Shallan, (And Lopen and rock haha) I can't choose who's my favorite though, they're all just so amazing!
Though if I had to choose, Wit is pretty amazing;)

Reply

Mary Kate
06:20 Feb 26, 2021

Yeah, Wit should be in it more. I just finished reading Dawnshard- lots of the Lopen in that. And how fab to finally get a Rock POV in Oathbringer! :-)
Next onto Rhythm of War...

Reply

Shallan Davar
16:29 Feb 26, 2021

I know, right! It's awesome..
;)

Reply

Izzie Q.
21:43 Feb 24, 2021

Hey Megan! Wow, this story was super fun to read and kinda made my day! I can't wait to see more stories!!
So, how are you? How was your day? I'm in a snowy area right now but it was so warm today that the snow HAS ACTUALLY STARTED MELTING! I was able to go outside without wearing gloves omg

Reply

Izzie Q.
21:43 Feb 24, 2021

whats your fav kind of weather?

Reply

Shallan Davar
22:06 Feb 24, 2021

Wow, thank you so much!!! :D
It's basically the same where I amXD
My day was okay! I'm doing alright... I mean, I'm always tired and I'm kind of lonely sometimes but it's okayXD
Ahhh that's a hard question! I really like all of the seasons, especially spring and summer cuz it's warmXD But the fall and winter are soooooo PRETTY!!!! And I love fall when I can cozy up in a sweater and a blanket on the couch:) How about you?!

Reply

Izzie Q.
22:09 Feb 24, 2021

Awww yes I LOVE fall! It's probably my favorite, I just love the colors and the aesthetic of it haha and my favorite weather would totally be either rainstorms or when its snowing! I could watch falling snow forever :)
today was good, thank you! i have this zodiac app that was like "you should feel depressed today, the stars demand it." and i was actually fine! take THAT constellation app!

Reply

Izzie Q.
22:10 Feb 24, 2021

wait no, I was a little depressed because I ate brownies and they had WALNUTS snuck into them!! Bummer, healthy brownies are not my thing :D
do you have a food you HATE? whats a dessert you love?

Reply

Shallan Davar
22:15 Feb 24, 2021

Haha i know right?! It's so amazing:)
Hahaha that's hilarious!!! good jobXD
awww that's too badXD

Reply

Shallan Davar
22:08 Feb 24, 2021

Honestly I got kinda scared when you said my name, I'm like how does she know my name?! But then I realized it's in my bioXD

Reply

Izzie Q.
22:10 Feb 24, 2021

pffft no worries, that happens to me all the time haha, i forgot that people read bios lmao! sorry if i gave you a scare! not a stalker, I swear :D

Reply

Shallan Davar
22:15 Feb 24, 2021

XD I was like thinking OMG SHE'S PROBABLY LIKE SOMEONE FROM SCHOOL OR SOMETHING AHHH REMEMBER
but then I was like oh... the bio -.- XD

Reply

Izzie Q.
22:20 Feb 24, 2021

Oooh yeah, speaking of school, are you going back in person or staying digital? I'm going back in-person on april 8th and AHHH I'm so excited! I literally bought tons of shoes and clothes impulsivley because i wanted nostaligic feels haha did you ever do back to school shopping in the past? I like to make it fun XD

Reply

Amazing story Shallan!

Reply

Shallan Davar
22:49 Feb 23, 2021

Thank you very much!!! 😁

Reply

Of course! If you don't mind, would you kindly check out my 100th story?

Reply

Shallan Davar
23:05 Feb 23, 2021

Of course!

Reply

Shallan Davar
23:14 Feb 23, 2021

Anytime, and thank YOU!!!(:

Reply

20:39 Feb 24, 2021

You are very talented!

Reply

Shallan Davar
20:41 Feb 24, 2021

Wow thank you so much!:D So are you!(:

Reply

21:29 Feb 24, 2021

Thank you!

Reply

Rayhan Hidayat
19:26 Feb 23, 2021

omg give Kaladin his boots back already

Reply

Shallan Davar
21:49 Feb 23, 2021

I WAS STARTING TO GIVE UP HOPE TOT THANKYOU SO MUCH aaahhhh
And I'm sorry, they're just so comfy...

Reply

Rayhan Hidayat
04:51 Feb 24, 2021

Me too, I was worried there was a shortage of Knights Radiants on Reedsy lol. I’m guessing Shallan is your favorite character then. Mine will always be Jasnah 😉.

So, favorite book? And please no spoilers for book 4, I’m only halfway through lol

Reply

Shallan Davar
05:09 Feb 24, 2021

Aahhhh me too!! Nah, I just figured I'd use that as a name. I mean, Kaladin is like, the best, but so's Dalinar, Jasnah, Syl, PATTERN especially..... ahhhh if I had to choose, I'd either choose Pattern or Wit.
They're all SO amazing, especially in their own ways. I mean the first one is the first one, so obviously it's amazing, but like.... man, Oathbringer was probably my favorite. And don't worry, you're ahead of me!! I'm about a third of the way through Rhythm of WarXD

Reply

Rayhan Hidayat
04:49 Feb 25, 2021

Ahh I completely forget about the spren. Syl is literally the most adorable character ever. And Pattern’s social awkwardness is hilarious—“No mating!”
Oh and Lift. That girl does not give a damn about anything and I love her for it. I hope you didn’t miss out on reading Edgedancer (like I almost did lol)

Ooh I can’t decide between Words of Radiance or Oathbringer. Szeth vs Kaladin gave me chills. But so did the Battle of Thaylen Field. You’re right, everything is awesome in their own way.

Have you read the other cosmere books btw?

Reply

Shallan Davar
15:31 Feb 25, 2021

Ahhhhh I can't even tell you, Lift is so amazing! I haven't had the chance to read Edgedancer, but my dad has, and he's told me a few things. I will definitely read it though!
And honestly I agree. That battle just.... AAHHH I connected on a spiritual level T-T
Both of them
And I only discovered the cosmere about a year ago, so I've only gotten to Stormlight so far:/
But I've read most of Elantris, and once I'm done with Rhythm of War then I'll read Mistborn.
How about you?

Reply

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