Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love

Before I could ever begin to write a short story about an internal monologue. I had to find out what it meant. You would think that someone who has acquired a BA in Psychology and a master’s degree in Clinical Psychology would have no problem in defining that it is also called self-talk, inner speech, inner discourse or internal discourse, is a person's inner voice which provides a running verbal monologue of thoughts while they are conscious. It is usually tied to a person's sense of self. It is particularly important in planning, problem solving, self-reflection, self-image, critical thinking, emotions, and subvocalization (reading in one's head). As a result, it is relevant to a number of mental disorders, such as depression, and treatments like cognitive behavioral therapy which seek to alleviate symptoms by providing strategies to regulate cognitive behavior. It may reflect both conscious and subconscious beliefs.

I’m walking through the park one muggy spring evening in Matheson Hammock Park in Miami, Florida. I generally take that kind of walk when I needed to do some deep soul searching concerning my relationship with my fiancée Arlene Albright.

I mentally wanted to find the proper way in which to tell her that I needed to move on from her, if there is a proper way to move on with anyone without feelings being involved. We had been going together for over 3 years and to me things were at a stalemate.

I couldn’t see myself waking up with this lovely young lady everyday for the rest of my life. I’m briskly walking now thinking about the pros and cons of our relationship. She wasn’t a very good cook. She shared to much of our personal business with her mother and friends, like how many times we made love in a week and the sexual acts we engaged in. Arlene would talk bad about people who genuinely liked her. She referred to me as Dr. Frazier Crane and my twin brother Barry who is also a practicing Psychologist Dr. Niles Crane behind our backs.  They are characters from the TV show Frasier. Her best friend shared that information with my brother at our engagement party. She shared a whole lot more, but I don’t find her drunken rumormongering or tattletaling relevant in determining if I void the wedding plans or matrimony. She insisted on replacing the magazines I placed in a rack in my waiting room office area of Psychology Today, Highlights for Children, Afar, Sport Illustrate and Time magazines with Vogue, Glamour, Transliving and Loverboy Magazine in which included high-quality, exclusive content aimed at the international queer community with a strong emphasis on Europe and the Americas. 

My biggest concern with Arlene is the fact that she’s a pathological liar. Arlene will look at a situation entirely from her own perspective. She’ll have no regard for another's feelings about what might happen as a result of her lies. Then she has the unmitigated gall to continue to lie when she knows I know that she’s lying. She constantly tells me that I have commitment issues. When in fact I’m her 9^th boyfriend in the pass six years. Followed by my need for control. All I ever wanted from her is to learn to love herself and stop the lying. If that’s being controlling then I’m guilty as charged.

I look across the lake and see a couple holding hands as they look intently into each other eyes from time to time. I take a seat on an empty bench recalling the only time Arlene looks directly into my eyes is when she wants more money to get her hair and nails done. I can’t even remember her ever buying me anything on a whim. Her gift giving is strictly traditional if she remembers she always says.

One time I tried to use reverse psychology on her. Through my professional training in the field of Psychology, Reverse Psychology is a technique involving the assertion of a belief or behavior that is opposite to the one desired, with the expectation that this approach will encourage Arlene what I actually desired. The technique relies on the psychological phenomenon of reactance, in which a person has a negative emotional reaction to being persuaded, and thus chooses the option which is being advocated against. This may work especially well on a person who is resistant by nature, while direct requests works best for people who are compliant. The one being manipulated is usually unaware of what is really going on. To make a long definition short, it didn’t work.

Nothing I do is ever good enough for her. She complains that I should be making more money than my colleagues. She should be living in a bigger house that I own in which is all paid for. Last week she tried to convince me to take out a second mortgage. She doesn’t listen to no one but herself. Its her way or the highway in which is her mantra.

I’m sitting there confused on that hard metal park bench all alone and get up just in time before a seagull just misses the top of my head with a well aim dropping. A lovely woman walks by with her Puli dog and stops and says that was a close call. I laugh back with her all the while thinking that when was the last time Arlene and I last laughed at anything together. The woman and her weird looking dog heads in one direction as I head in the other direction.

This relationship thing is really difficult when you know that opposites don’t attract. If like poles are introduced, either north to north or south to south, the magnets repel. Permanent magnets can also cause a reaction with nonmagnetic items, such as metals and even some liquids. These items are dubbed temporary or soft magnets. They have magnetic properties for only the period of time near the magnetic field of other magnets. Sorry sometimes I get a little Philosophical at times when I really begin to reflect upon our relationship.

I had to return the ring I purchased because she said that the diamond wasn’t as big as the engagement diamond ring that millionaire Alex Rodriguez gave to Jaylo.

It started to rain as I went to seek shelter. I started laughing to myself because when I asked Arlene should I carry an umbrella she said from looking out of the window, that there wasn’t a rain cloud in sight.

It was still hot as the rain poured.

I thought it was just nature cooling itself off.

It was getting late as I would wait until the rain let up. Then suddenly a flash of lightening flew across the darkening skies. When I looked back to earth. Arlene was standing right by my side saying didn’t I tell you to bring an umbrella. After the long walk in the park the biggest pro that Arlene had on her side was the fact that I truly loved her unconditionally. Lies and all!