Blane Britt

“The Prodigal Son” by Blane Britt

Submitted to Contest #43

Like most child geniuses I never really got to know my parents. I was constantly being told that the world needed my intellect. I was always being dragged off to solve some kind of calamity in the world ever sense I was 4 years old.  I told the now dysfunctional FBI that there was no need to keep looking for Jimmy Hoffa dead remains because his body was devoured in a huge meat grinder and fed to the pigs. They will go through bone like butter. You need at least 16 pigs to finish the job in one setting, so be wary of any man who keeps...

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“Unlikely” by Blane Britt

Submitted to Contest #43

I met Ota Benga while skiing in the slopes at Ecole du ski Francis ESF Isola 2000 in the alps. It was strange seeing a 4 foot 3 inch pygmy skiing instructor. I too looked strange as a 6 foot 9 inch 382 pound professional wrestler who goes by the name of Doctor Savage. The two of us bonded right away and have been best friends for over 20 years now.The first thing I asked him long ago is how did he ever learn to ski. Isn’t it virtually true that all Pygmy people are hunters and gatherers, practicing neither agriculture nor cattle ra...

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“My 3rd Wife” by Blane Britt

Submitted to Contest #40

I wasn’t having much luck in the staying married to death do us part oath. After two failed marriages and belonging to online dating sites such as Zook, Elite, eHarmony, Silver Singles, Christian Mingles, Match, OurTime, Blackpeoplemeet, Findmyflings, Jdate, Be Naughty, Hinge, Ok Cupid, AdultFriendFinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, Chappy, Plenty of Fish, 99 Flavors, Cams.Com, Happn, Anomo, Tinder, Clover and The league. Just to name a few online dating sites I have signed up with and not to mention the international online dati...

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“lo que estaba pensando paco” by Blane Britt

Submitted to Contest #40

My Cuban friend Paco who once held from Havana the capital city, largest city, province, major port, and leading commercial center of Cuba. The city has a population of 2.1 million inhabitants and it spans 281.18 square miles making it the largest city by area, the most populous city, and the fourth largest metropolitan area in the Caribbean region.I can’t say I even knew his real name because I don’t ever recall him telling anyone it. Even his girlfriend of 11 years calls him Paco. I’ve known him for 9 years. That was when The Uni...

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“Bad Advice” by Blane Britt

Submitted to Contest #40

I went to confide in a friend of mine as to what I should do. She said that I highly recommend that you check in at the first Alcoholic rehabilitation center immediately. I unsoundly took her bad advice. You see when I was a young man deciding what I truly wanted to be in life, especially when I was old enough to get served at any State Liquor Store. I never envisioned that I would wind up living in a homeless shelter 977 miles away from where life was once simple and a few drinks a day kept the wicked away. Yeah, it was 4 d...

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“A Different Point of View” by Blane Britt

Submitted to Contest #40

Me, Bona Fided, Can’t Quite Hear Ray Ray, Dora the Explorer and Man Root are sitting in the wooden bleacher stands, drinking out of a big brown paper bag from a 2 gallon jug of 100 proof moonshine. Bona Fided who got his name from being sincerely; without intention to deceive and who it is said to be someone who is a mad and insane cartoon watching truth speaker. Incapable of telling a bold face lie and is trusted by all. Even when he personally vouched for that Princess Bubblegum and Marceline the Vampire Queen from Cartoon Networ...

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“Vietnam” by Blane Britt

Submitted to Contest #40

“I” thought that “I” would do an author background check. In truth “I” never heard of Ally Condie the (Young Adult Author) who was born on November 2, 1971. “I” believe by her being born in the 70’s she is considerate an aspirant of Generation X. As children in the 1970s, a time of shifting societal values, Gen Xers were sometimes called the "latch key generation", due to reduced adult supervision compared to previous generations. This was a result of increasing divore rates and increased maternal participation in the workforce, prior to ...

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“Purple” by Blane Britt

The sun comes up in the south and towards the north one day. I’m looking at that bright dull purple sun knowing that the sun is the star at the center of the solar system of my purple heart. The Purple Heart is supposed to be a United States military decoration awarded in the name of the Presidents but not Donald John Trump, to those wounded or killed while serving, on or after April 5, 1917, with the U.S. military. That’s what I believe the pretty Darla I’m in love with is trying to take from me. I used to be in the service and go...

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