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Submitted into Contest #47 in response to: Suitcase in hand, you head to the station.... view prompt

204 comments

Adventure

Suitcase in hand, you head to the station. At the station, there is a great hustle and bustle; everyone is fighting to reach the booking window. New day, new people. An old man's pocket is picked. He starts to shout. You cast a look at his direction, but instantly regret it; he isn't just an ordinary old man. His colorless eyes don't even reflect light and make him look blind. In addition to this, he has a hunchback. You start to look away but your eyes fall on his hands, they are bloodied and wrinkled, scattered with lines. He starts running in your direction, but you move in feverish haste, anxious to get going. You zigzag around groups of people and notice, with some relief, that you have lost him.


Next on the scene, comes a group of young adults, all girls. The tallest one is fair-skinned, dressed in a plain white tee and khaki pants with minimal makeup. The second tallest is blonde, somewhat fragile, intelligent in expression. She is wearing a black tank top and beige capri pants. The third and the last one has sleek and chic strawberry blonde hair, her face caked in makeup. She is chewing gum, occasionally popping it. She looks at you and winks flirtatiously as if she knows you have been here all along. You feel your face flushed and thus, you quickly look away. Again!


You smell food and realize just how hungry you are. Quickly you move towards the source of the tantalizing aroma only to realize the seller is a poor vendor. "Do you want some samosas, bhai?" he smiles a crooked smile. You smile in return, not knowing that he just called you his brother and feel your pocket for the money, only to realize the horrifying truth: you forgot your wallet in the cab. Thankfully it didn't have much except for money, of course. Your smile instantly vanishes. The vendor notices your worry and speaks up, "It's okay, bhai. You can have the samosas for free," and he hands over to you not only the samosas but the chutney along with it too. He smiles his crooked smile again and leaves.

Food delivery apps spice up Indian train journeys - SAMAA


The train arrives. You proceed hoping to have a window seat, only to get pushed by the rowdy woman who is almost dragging her wailing son along with her. You start moving into the train again, only to get interrupted by the muffled giggles of the young girls you saw earlier. "Hi, I'm Zoe," the strawberry blonde speaks not realizing that she is blocking the way of numerous others behind her. She is fluttering her eyelashes all innocent-like, not knowing that now isn't the time to do so. It's your duty, therefore, to speak up. You clear your throat and she gets the signal. She stops staring at you and goes to sit with her friends. You notice the young man,ย sitting three paces away at his usual place, by the window. His hands full like always. Out of the blue, the man lifts his gaze and looks at you right in the eye. The gaze sends a chill down your spine and causes the hair on your neck to rise so you quickly look away. Again!


Once you are seated, there comes a hostess who offers you, your favorite fresh juice but you refuse it. Your mind keeps ticking as to why did you refuse it minutes after she leaves. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. But you don't get the answer. The woman on your left taps you gently on your shoulder. You ignore the tapping but rather focus on your brain's ticking. You get distracted again when the woman on your left taps you again, urgently this time. You look over at her, extremely irritated by her behavior, only to realize she is throwing up in a sickness bag ( she is maybe prone to motion sickness ). The bad smell nauseates you and you get up to sit somewhere else.ย 


You are moving through the aisle, unable to find a vacant seat when you see her. Your heart skips a beat. Zita, you whisper. Those same ocean blue eyes. Her pale features obscured by knotty brown hair curled at the ends. She is smiling. Oh, that million-dollar smile you'd give anything for. She is dressed in a loose-fitting vintage dress and flat shoes. Mesmerized by her beauty, you forget that you aren't at home. Neither is this woman, Zita. Sighing, you move forward.


You grab a seat by the window.


The train switches tracks. The environment becomes uneasy: you hear the soft cry of a baby which gradually becomes loud and rhythmic. Suddenly a woman shouts, loud and clear. People get up to see the source of the shout and so do you. As expected, it is the same rowdy woman whom you had encountered earlier. You smirk and get going. But then reality slaps you on the face. You reminisce about the days with your cruel stepmother: you think about her sadistic pleasure in tormenting you, her vicious plans and you shudder.

Quarantines, school shutdowns may cause a surge in child abuse ...


This is God's way of showing you not to forget your past. You say a silent prayer and go to sleep.


The train stops. Everyone is rushing out to freshen up themselves but you don't move. Lazy brat, you can hear your step mom's voice again. Your eyelids droop and you try to go back to sleep. "I know that you aren't sleeping, only your eyes are closed," the scent of strawberry and mint fills the air and reminds you of Zita again! You stay still, pretending not to have heard the speaker. She taps her feet on the floor, and when you don't pay attention to her, the tapping intensifies. You smile even though your eyes are still closed. 'Well, I am going," and that is when you recognize the voice. It's Zoe, the strawberry blonde. You sit up straight. She smiles over her victory and that smile reminds you of Zita again. "Hello, I'm Zoe!" she says her name again. You want to say 'I know' but your tongue betrays you and all you manage is "Mm-hmm". Zoe says something and asks a question in return but you can't concentrate because your brain is switching tracks again. Clickety-Clack. Clickety-Clack...


The train arrives at its destination. Everybody is getting off the train but you don't move. Finally, everyone is gone. Then comes the conductor. "Nowhere to go?" he asks the same question he has been asking for the past three years. You nod the same way too. Without asking anything further, he leaves. And it's just you and the train. Nobody knows it, except for you and the conductor: it is in hope of finding Zita that you have been coming here, every day, for the past three years.



But, instead of Zita, it has always been you and the train.

You and the train.

You and the train.






June 21, 2020 10:18

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204 comments

Claire Tennant
04:53 Jul 02, 2020

You had me on the edge of my seat smelling strawberries, chewing gum (vomit) and feeling your pain Well done

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Batool Hussain
05:11 Jul 02, 2020

Thank you๐ŸŒธ

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Danielle Dahl
20:06 Jul 01, 2020

Wow. It is hauntingly taunting me with what mystery is going on within this story. The suspense built feverishly and then once we were on the train, it kept chugging along, well done. But now, after all that, I want to know why I am looking for (and who is) Zita! I am also a little uncertain of why you introduced the childhood trauma and the stepmom, and then didn't tell me why! Thanks for a good read!

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Batool Hussain
05:09 Jul 02, 2020

Thank you! ๐ŸŒธAnd about Zita, I might post another story on her if we get somewhat a related prompt๐Ÿ™ƒ

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Abhishek Roy
17:58 Jul 01, 2020

The reveal is sewed with almost no hint at all which way we are heading. The usage of smell in this story has stuck out. I can still smell the strawberry as I write. The imagery is beautifully done. Maybe a bit more details on his backstory and psychological evaluation of the improbability could have added more to it. Nonetheless, it's really well written. (Do have a read of my story: https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/contests/47/submissions/22047/ )

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Batool Hussain
18:04 Jul 01, 2020

That's a really sweet comment, Abhishek. So glad that you liked it! I'll head over to your story immediately! *_*

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Sanna Aaltonen
05:02 Jul 01, 2020

Thanks for the story Batool. Your writing style is interesting and in the moment and perfect for a short story.

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Batool Hussain
07:49 Jul 01, 2020

Thank you so much! I appreciate your feedback:)

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Julia Gibson
20:52 Jun 30, 2020

I love your descriptions. You have a good feel for descriptive narrative. I liked the repitition of some of the words and phrases too. It's almost poetic. I didn't know you could illustrate your stories. This opens up a whole new world for me. Thanks for the good read!

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Batool Hussain
07:44 Jul 01, 2020

Thanks for the feedback, Julia:)

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Grace M'mbone
17:59 Jun 30, 2020

Batool there's just so much I can learn from this story. It was lovely.

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Batool Hussain
18:08 Jun 30, 2020

Thank youu

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Unknown User
08:35 Jun 30, 2020

<removed by user>

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Batool Hussain
08:58 Jun 30, 2020

Hello! I'm glad you approached me so that I could be of some help. Just click on the picture you want to paste. Copy it and then paste it wherever in the story you want to do so! Also, do check out my recent story"The shape-shifter" when free! Have a good day!

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E. Jude
07:36 Jun 22, 2020

Very cool story! Absolutely faultless XElsa

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Batool Hussain
07:45 Jun 22, 2020

Thanks, Elsa! Means a lot :)

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Batool Hussain
16:32 Jun 21, 2020

Thanks Kendra ๐Ÿ˜Š . Such a comment coming from you means a lot.

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Batool Hussain
16:57 Jun 21, 2020

๐Ÿ˜Š

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Raven Quill
16:08 Jun 21, 2020

Hello! I really liked the story line and plot but I have some comments on more banal things :) 1. You've got some repetition (like where you'll repeat phrases or information that the reader already knows or can infer) 2. You have a lot of things like "there is" or something "is", rather than doing that, try to explain what is going on or what something looks like (ex. "there is a great hustle" vs "people are hustling around") 3. Try to have more smooth transitions between ideas. I know you were trying to make things more chunked between ...

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Batool Hussain
16:17 Jun 21, 2020

Thank you so very much for a detailed feedback, Raven. I'll gladly take all the pointers into consideration๐Ÿ˜Š

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Raven Quill
16:27 Jun 21, 2020

Of course!! I appreciate you taking it the right way :)

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Arya Preston
15:46 Jun 21, 2020

Interesting story - I like your interpretation of the prompt here. I did notice a lot of repetition with "get", maybe try changing the sentence structure to avoid including redundant words.

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Batool Hussain
16:09 Jun 21, 2020

Thanks for the feedback๐Ÿ˜Š

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15:31 Jun 21, 2020

I think that this is a very creative piece! I like how you show that time flies by! Keep on writing

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Batool Hussain
16:10 Jun 21, 2020

Thank you๐ŸŒธ

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15:05 Jun 24, 2020

I'd be grateful if you could check out a few more of my pieces!

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Batool Hussain
15:07 Jun 24, 2020

Sure! Also, I'll be happy if you give your views on my future pieces too:) {I'm kinda new so please don't mind...}

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Praveen Jagwani
15:25 Jun 21, 2020

This is a surreal story, Batool. I like the novel format. Although you had me at the samosa ! Not sure if you are looking for a review, but if I may, I think sometimes descriptions can become heavy to imagine. For example : hands, they are bloodied and wrinkled, scattered with lines and sunspots. - If the hands are all that it would be difficult to see the sunspots. Also, as they say, writing is 10% of the job. Editing is 90% :) We are all guilty of being poor editors of our own work. Here's an example of what I'd edit : you hear the soft...

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Batool Hussain
16:11 Jun 21, 2020

Thanks for the feedback๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒธ

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Deborah Angevin
15:24 Jun 21, 2020

Loving the twist at the end!

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Batool Hussain
16:11 Jun 21, 2020

Thank you๐ŸŒป๐ŸŒธ

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Laiba M
14:55 Jun 21, 2020

This was really good and nice to read! I liked the consistency and especially loved the ending. Although I do think it's a bit unrealistic to be getting on a train without having anywhere to go; a train will go to its destination and that is its purpose. In the real world, this would be considered a waste of money, but this is a story and so I think it's fine. Great job, I can definitely see this story winning!

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Zilla Babbitt
12:08 Jun 23, 2020

Yes, well, lonely people can do unrealistic and odd things sometimes.

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Laiba M
14:34 Jun 23, 2020

Agreed! I actually quite liked this idea, I just wanted to point out that it's a little unrealistic, but it's very creative! It also adds more depth and meaning to this, and supports the ending, which is great :D

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Batool Hussain
15:51 Jun 23, 2020

:)

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Laiba M
17:52 Jun 23, 2020

:D

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Batool Hussain
17:56 Jun 23, 2020

Aren't you writing a story this week, Laiba? I really really want to see what you come up with:)

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Batool Hussain
12:26 Jun 23, 2020

!!!

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Batool Hussain
12:27 Jun 23, 2020

Also, if you don't mind can you please tell me how to change the font when writing? I've tried a lot of times but to no avail-_-

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Zilla Babbitt
13:18 Jun 23, 2020

Well it depends on what you're using, Word or Google docs or whatever. On Word, what I use, there's two boxes in the left side of the home tab. The smaller one is font size and the big one on the left is font choices. Click on that or on the down-arrow and run the cursor down the list till you find one you want. I usually write in Aparajita 16 or Times New Roman 12.

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Batool Hussain
15:51 Jun 23, 2020

Thank you for the response, Zilla:)

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Batool Hussain
15:00 Jun 21, 2020

Umm...yes. In my opinion, the beauty of a good story is that it can be written with a lot of imaginary ideas. And, I like to imagine stuff a lot :) Thanks for liking the story, Laiba! You literally made my dayyy..

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Laiba M
15:03 Jun 21, 2020

I agree, and that's why I wasn't completely opposed against the idea :) It's nice and does add a lot of depth!! And no problem, I know how it feels :) you make my day by reading my stories too! Keep on writing, fellow author!!

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Batool Hussain
16:14 Jun 21, 2020

๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š

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Laiba M
16:25 Jun 21, 2020

:))

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14:49 Jun 21, 2020

GREAT story Batool! Loved it! Keep writing and have a great day Batool! :))))

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Batool Hussain
14:50 Jun 21, 2020

Thank you so much! Have a great day:)

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14:55 Jun 21, 2020

:D

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14:16 Jun 21, 2020

I love the emotions you invoked upon reading the story, and how realistic it was. The pictures were a brilliant idea too, however, you confused me a bit; where did 'mum' come into the story?

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Batool Hussain
14:23 Jun 21, 2020

It was for a sad moment from the narrator's childhood to establish the importance that we should never think bad of someone. Hope you got your answer:)

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15:26 Jun 21, 2020

Yes I did Batool. This is quite a beautiful story. Keep writing!

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Batool Hussain
16:10 Jun 21, 2020

๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š

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Tvisha Yerra
14:04 Jun 21, 2020

Nice story! The "~'s" seemed a bit unnecessary at times like when there's only one sentence. Also, to have more effect on the reader, maybe switch up the last line and say "The train and you." But, whatever you think is right, is probably right. Great story overall, really hit us with the suspense! :) Stay safe

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Batool Hussain
14:06 Jun 21, 2020

Thank you so much for your feedback! Stay safe:)

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Arez Z.
12:45 Jun 21, 2020

Wow! What a great start and an even greater ending. Bravo!!๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘

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Batool Hussain
13:06 Jun 21, 2020

Thanks for reading:)

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Maha K
12:34 Jun 21, 2020

Amazing! The descriptions and the ending specially are wowww. What a great twist at the end!!!

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Batool Hussain
13:07 Jun 21, 2020

Thank you so much! Glad that you liked it:)

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