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James Offenha

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Aug, 2019

Stories (200)

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227 Followers

19 Following

200 Stories

1465 karma pts

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Electricity or Not to Electricity, That Is the Question

Well, it is hard work, but that's what makes life interesting. Imagine how boring life'd be if we had to sit in the house all day starin' at the bleedin' walls. God. Could you imagine? So, life be hard sometimes. Write down notes with my ink pen, so I's not forget nothing. Take my horse and ride her down the pavement to the libry. Go to the lady who alphabatizes everything and then have her help me with the bleedin' card catalogue, which the libryians spent a lot a time puttin' together. Still can't ma...

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Alive

There was a smell in the art gallery, so we decided to spray Febreeze, which helped for a three hours, but then the smell came back. See, other things in our gallery were starting to be weird, too. Like, the nudes. The nipples on the one nude started to droop down, just a little each year, but we artists measure and notice these things. And, white hairs started appearing in the hair and there was that smell. See, we're a hybrid museum; we carry all kinds of art. We have still figures like apples, oranges, and ot...

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Paranoid

I put the aluminum can up to my nose and feel the tab against my nose. I laugh since it makes it last longer. I'd put about twenty small holes on the bent midline and the weed's on top of the holes. Paradise. I put the lighter by the can holes, push down the safety, and flick the round thing and inhale, deep, hold it like using an inhaler during an asthma attack. Pure bliss. I feel the buzz in my brain and exhale into my girlfriend's mouth who enjoyed the second coming of THC. There are religions who use po...

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Locks

I stay busy all day. I get up at five a.m and begin my crab walk. I see the wind outside brushing the trees. No big deal, it gets windy sometimes in Orlando. It's not like it's a hurricane. Anyway, after the crab walk, I do crawling forwards and backwards, just like the crab walk, and I do a lot of other boring exercises which the reading, quite frankly, doesn't give a shit about. But, I'm baby sitting my parents' dog, Gracie, while they're on vacation and living with an HHA named Glenda. Think of The Wizar...

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The Beginning of the End

So, think about it: the law of gravity is that any two objects in space are attracted to each other. Most people don't know that, they believe in the fucking cartoons that say we'd all float if there wasn't gravity, which is bullshit. Even in outerspace there's gravity, beings are just in freefall. Nature and nature's laws though are starting to dissolve since the star known in your generation as the sun/son (the historians have different opinions on which spelling is correct. Perhaps one was British and one was Amer...

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holy

I can't say it. That's what I was taught since I was a child and I can't say it, the name of God. I can't say it. I can translate it, but I can't say it unless it's the right time and place to say it. I say the shama when I wake up and before I go to sleep. Come by then, you'll hear it then. In fact, in Saturday school, we'd try to find places where the congregation was saying it twice when they shouldn't be and no, contrary to popular beliefs, it is not pronounced yehova, Jehova, or yiya. I can't say it th...

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Floppy

Start your story with a character finding a retro piece of tech they don't recognize What is it? “That's the $64 question.” Can't be one of those old flash drives 'cause it's too flat and wouldn't fit into the side of a computer. Had some geeks from BB look at it and even they didn't know what the fuck it was. Man. Some people get lots of dough for old shit on the internet like old comic books or baseball cards. They put this shit all online now and you gotta pay a subsription if you wanna see 'em and see 'em...

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Run

“You can't run forever,” I said. He didn't care. He put the bare minimums in his car. Shit like toothpaste, shampoo, soap, money, clothes for wherever the fuck this moron thinks he's running to. “What, you gonna drive to Mexico or Canada or fly overseas? This doesn't make sense. Look, I know jail sucks, but you'll just be in there for a little bit, do your time, get a job, and get back on your feet, man. If you run away, you'll be looking behind you all the time. Suppose you need to gas up. What?&...

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Prisoners

Start or end your story with someone saing, “We have all the time in the world.” “We have all the time in the world,” he said. What are you talking about? We have to get the fucking hell out of here. This is a complete waste of time and we don't have any time to waste. Damn it. I want to get married, have kids, get a diploma, buy a house and I won't have enough fucking time because I'm in this goddamn time capsule for shit they know I didn't do. It's bullshit. 'We got all the time in the world'. You ev...

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Mocktails

Mocktails! Mocktails! Mocktails! Get your mocktails here. State of the art mocktails like Mom used to make. May sound strange, but that's my job. My job is to get someone, hell, anyone, in for mocktails. Mocktails! Come on, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, get your mocktails, here. No ID required. Meet someone new. All welcome, gay, straight, young, old, black, white, rich, poor. We don't give a crap. Hell, swear your head off for all we care. We don't give a shit! Come on, ge...

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The Eternal Flame

My job is Rabbi and I have many tasks. I organize Bar Mitzvahs, I set up circumcisions, I read the Torah and the Talmud, I talk to the fire departments, the local police, but there is a national problem; all the lights have gone out in Israel. So, why would I be called, I hear the reader ask, I'm not an electrician or an emergency crew, I'm just a Rabbi. Rabbi is yiddish for teacher. I teach the congregation, I lead the community, I lead by example, give speeches, comfort the bereaved, read from the Torah every morni...

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Dream

This New Year, I'm going to complete everything!!! Everything, damn it!!! I'm going to get ordained after I get my LM, get my NST, get my CH, get everything. I've won a beautiful house in Chicago, Illinois where me and my girlfriend, Kristen live, on Charles' street. I've gotten into the conservatory at Second City and am caught up on all my e-mails and Facebook posts. I can go anywhere I want on my cellphone since I am easily paying the bills and taxes. I have a licensed accountant who has taken care of al...

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Hate Christmas

Write a story in which a cynical character gets amnesia on Christmas eve. I hate this fucking holiday; Christmas. Goddamn it, everybody hates Christmas, except the billionaire companies who make the most profits this time of year, motherfuckers. I hate the advertisements, I hate Saint Nicolas, Oh, yes, and let's all go to the mall to see all these happy families getting expensive gifts for their kids and grandkids. Christmas hasn't been about Christ for over 2,000 years. Morons. Oh, but we must remember the story o...

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Brains

Write a story in which a certain food makes your character travel back in time. The olfactory nerve goes strait to the brain. I love traditional foods and trying new foods. See, I haven't had physical sex in fifteen years. There's an expression with animals. If you neuter them, they'll spend less time on the ass and more time on the grass, though dogs still fuck each other after they've been neutered or spayed. Remem...

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Cold

Start your story with a description of the cold, using lots of sensory details. It's starting again, thank God. The sun is coming out less and less and the few slithers of snow flakes are increasing. The midnight sun is disappearing. Some hate the dark, some hate the cold, some are afraid of wild animals, some shouldn't live here then. It's almost time for him to make his choice. Hell, I'll go anywhere in the line as long as I get to be in the line.&nb...

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